Vintage79 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Ok - I split with a long term girlfriend in January (8 years), there was no bad blood, angst, anger, or anything - we had just kind of drifted apart, which was pretty easy, as we had been doing the Long Distance thing for a few years. Since our split, there have been a few texts messages between us, on par with, "happy birthday", but nothing else and no calls. I've been dating some one pretty awesome since, which is going well. On Friday night, at 9:30 p.m., she sends me a message saying that she had gone to a restaurant that she had wanted to take me to last year. There was no implication of a date (and if it was, I don't know why she'd be texting me on a Friday night), no questions about how I was doing, just the, "hey, went to this restaurant that I wanted to take you to and it was yummy" kind of thing. I've moved on (I think), but it's odd to get these kinds of messages. I've ignored it so far and haven't responded, but it's on my recent text list, so I see it when other messages come through - what would you do, respond, ignore, or what? Is this some kind of message to try to get me to re-engage, or what?
fitnessfan365 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) Always assume that if a woman reaches out, she wants to see you. With that said, you're dating someone new and it's going well. So there's no reason to respond to her. Especially since she made a general statement making no attempt to expand seeing how you're doing. Of if you want to close the book on your ex, just respond with - "Thnx for the tip. I'll have to take my new GF there sometime." Edited June 1, 2015 by fitnessfan365 3
writergal Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Ok - I split with a long term girlfriend in January (8 years), there was no bad blood, angst, anger, or anything - we had just kind of drifted apart, which was pretty easy, as we had been doing the Long Distance thing for a few years. Since our split, there have been a few texts messages between us, on par with, "happy birthday", but nothing else and no calls. I've been dating some one pretty awesome since, which is going well. On Friday night, at 9:30 p.m., she sends me a message saying that she had gone to a restaurant that she had wanted to take me to last year. There was no implication of a date (and if it was, I don't know why she'd be texting me on a Friday night), no questions about how I was doing, just the, "hey, went to this restaurant that I wanted to take you to and it was yummy" kind of thing. I've moved on (I think), but it's odd to get these kinds of messages. I've ignored it so far and haven't responded, but it's on my recent text list, so I see it when other messages come through - what would you do, respond, ignore, or what? Is this some kind of message to try to get me to re-engage, or what? First of all, she still wants to date you. No woman texts her ex-bf if she's emotionally moved on from the breakup. On some level, people who keep in contact with their exes, still have feelings for them. I know I"ll probably be lambasted by all the LSers who are good pals with their exes and will list reasons why they can be platonic without any possibility of their relationship re-starting. Well, never say never, because exes do get back together. If you've been texting "platonic" messages since your breakup, why would her referencing a restaurant have romantic underpinning to it? You claim that you think that you're over her (see bolded). That statement concerns me. How can you date a new woman when you only "think" that you are over your ex-gf? I don't think you are over that relationship, or you would have been more definitive, "I know I'm over that relationship." You may think the woman whom you're dating now is awesome, but she could just be an awesome rebound, before you go back to your ex. I've seen that happen a few times with friends' relationships. If you think that message was odd, why were you okay with her other text messages? An ex is an ex for a reason. Either cut off all contact with your ex-gf, or breakup with your current girlfriend because you're not over your ex-gf. You need to decide who you want to be with; your ex or your current girlfriend. 2
Author Vintage79 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 I would normally assume she wants to see me, but given that we'd still be in a long distance scenario, it wouldn't really happen unless one of us jumped on a plane (Minneapolis to Chicago). I was planning on maintaining the status quo, namely, don't respond - I don't think I could do the, "I'll bring my girlfriend" kind of thing - there wasn't any bad blood, and that's just kind of mean and flaunting it in her face for no reason...
Satu Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I would normally assume she wants to see me, but given that we'd still be in a long distance scenario, it wouldn't really happen unless one of us jumped on a plane (Minneapolis to Chicago). I was planning on maintaining the status quo, namely, don't respond - I don't think I could do the, "I'll bring my girlfriend" kind of thing - there wasn't any bad blood, and that's just kind of mean and flaunting it in her face for no reason... Rig for silent running. Block. Invest in your current relationship. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.
writergal Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I would normally assume she wants to see me, but given that we'd still be in a long distance scenario, it wouldn't really happen unless one of us jumped on a plane (Minneapolis to Chicago). I was planning on maintaining the status quo, namely, don't respond - I don't think I could do the, "I'll bring my girlfriend" kind of thing - there wasn't any bad blood, and that's just kind of mean and flaunting it in her face for no reason... Why would it be mean to bring your girlfriend to meet your ex? If I was your girlfriend, I'd expect you to introduce me to your ex-gf who feels free to text you. If you didn't, I would be suspicious of your reasons for texting her behind my back and I'd give you an ultimatum: her or me. And actually, I DID do that and turns out he chose "her" because he refused to introduce me to her (he married her a few years later). And Minneapolis to Chicago is a 1 hour plane ride and 6 hour car ride. It's not that long distance. You could save face and make a romantic weekend of taking your girlfriend to Chicago, and then ask your ex-gf to meetup with you and your girlfriend for lunch or coffee or dinner. That is called boundary-setting. You need to set boundaries with your ex-gf for the sake of your current relationship, or you will risk losing your girlfriend. By all means, do nothing and say nothing. But then the situation will blow up in your face because your ex-gf will continue to try to pull you back to her in Chicago with "oh I really wish we could have gone here/done this when we were together *frown face*." No, that's not manipulative at all, is it? You need to set boundaries with the two women in your life if you want to maintain contact with your ex-gf and maintain the integrity of your current relationship and keep her trust in you that you are faithful and loyal to her. 1
candie13 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 hum... it's still pretty fresh, but you know, 8 years is a long long time. I've broken up with my 7 years bf 5 years ago. The breakup was pretty bad and I refused to stay in touch for the first year, year and a half. Then he was going through some ****ty times and needed to talk - so we did. Then I broke up with a random guy and needed to ask him some questions - and he did talk to me. It's still a bit weird, he texts me at least once a month, sometimes more often, other times less. Sometimes to ask me stuff, other times to just share things. 7-8 years is a long time... it's hard to totally and completely shut someone off from your life. In my case, a lot of water ran under the bridge... in your case, I think it depends if you still feel attracted to her or not. if you are clear in your head about what you want and where you are with her, I don't see the harm in responding. Worse comes to worst, you can always cut her off, if she starts to flirt or asks you to see her... my ex of 7 years writes exactly that sort of messages as your ex does...
Author Vintage79 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 If you've been texting "platonic" messages since your breakup, why would her referencing a restaurant have romantic underpinning to it? You claim that you think that you're over her (see bolded). That statement concerns me. How can you date a new woman when you only "think" that you are over your ex-gf? I don't think you are over that relationship, or you would have been more definitive, "I know I'm over that relationship." You may think the woman whom you're dating now is awesome, but she could just be an awesome rebound, before you go back to your ex. I've seen that happen a few times with friends' relationships. If you think that message was odd, why were you okay with her other text messages? An ex is an ex for a reason. Either cut off all contact with your ex-gf, or breakup with your current girlfriend because you're not over your ex-gf. You need to decide who you want to be with; your ex or your current girlfriend. Good questions: 1. I said "I think I'm over her", as it was incredibly easy to move on, I don't think about her unless she contacts me, and I have no interest in reaching out to her. The, "I think" part was there because it seems like I'm over her, but I had never dated anyone that long before (8 years), so I was just curbing the definitiveness in the off chance I was in rebound mode and just didn't realize it - I'm perfectly comfortable stating I am over her and am very comfortable saying I wouldn't go back. 2. This message seemed odd as there was no real reason to text and it was citing very specific things that we had talked about. I had only gotten texts from her on 2 other occasions (so it's not like there was much of it going on), one was literally just, "happy birthday", the other pretty similar - but there was at least a catalyst, although in retrospect, obvious evidence that she's still thinking about me. I do admit, I did respond to those 2 texts, mostly to be nice (as there was no bad blood) but there was never a textversation. 3. The new girl could absolutely be a rebound - I'd like to think that wasn't the case, as I haven't ever had a real rebound before (and I've been in 4 year+ relationship), but there's a first time for everything. I moved on faster than usual with this one, so I think there's probably an elevated chance of this being a rebound relative to prior dating experience - hence the curbing in point 1 (I'm trying to be realistic) 4. I basically have cut contact with my ex - I have never reached out to her, and only responded to her texts with short messages - the response to the birthday text was literally, "thanks" and nothing else.
writergal Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Good questions: 1. I said "I think I'm over her", as it was incredibly easy to move on, I don't think about her unless she contacts me, and I have no interest in reaching out to her. The, "I think" part was there because it seems like I'm over her, but I had never dated anyone that long before (8 years), so I was just curbing the definitiveness in the off chance I was in rebound mode and just didn't realize it - I'm perfectly comfortable stating I am over her and am very comfortable saying I wouldn't go back. 2. This message seemed odd as there was no real reason to text and it was citing very specific things that we had talked about. I had only gotten texts from her on 2 other occasions (so it's not like there was much of it going on), one was literally just, "happy birthday", the other pretty similar - but there was at least a catalyst, although in retrospect, obvious evidence that she's still thinking about me. I do admit, I did respond to those 2 texts, mostly to be nice (as there was no bad blood) but there was never a textversation. 3. The new girl could absolutely be a rebound - I'd like to think that wasn't the case, as I haven't ever had a real rebound before (and I've been in 4 year+ relationship), but there's a first time for everything. I moved on faster than usual with this one, so I think there's probably an elevated chance of this being a rebound relative to prior dating experience - hence the curbing in point 1 (I'm trying to be realistic) 4. I basically have cut contact with my ex - I have never reached out to her, and only responded to her texts with short messages - the response to the birthday text was literally, "thanks" and nothing else. Ok, good to clarify that you are definitely over your ex-gf of 8 years. Yes, you could be rebounding right now, but maybe not. That will reveal itself (as these things do) in time. So, are you going to cut off all contact with the ex-gf? Tell your current gf about her 3 texts to you? What is your plan of action? Are you FB friends with your ex-gf? I realize it comes across like I'm telling you to throw away 8 years of memories that you had with your ex-gf. Sorta but not really. You were with her for 8 years. That's a long relationship. But she's keeping you in the past by texting you. Is that what you want to happen? Be kept in the past by being in contact with your ex-gf of 8 years, when you are dating someone new right now? And it's not a red flag that you moved on so quickly. Well, sometimes it can be but that remains to be seen. So, does your current gf know about your ex-gf texting you? Does she know that you just got out of an 8 year relationship?
aloneinaz Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Boy do I know how hard it is to go NC, even when it's the right thing to do. In this case, I'm not understanding why she "appears" to be keeping you as a potential fall back? You stated that the relationship appeared to run it's course and then burned out. If you're not 100% sure your over this relationship (who could be after that length and still only being 5 months since the break up) you should really consider NC. If she contacts you again, be civil and let her know you're going to go radio silence, wish her luck and completely heal from that relationship. I'm personally a fan of being civil and ending relationships on good terms. I'm friendly with a few ex's from years ago on FB. We chat every once in a while and wish each other happy b-days. I can only do that when there is zero emotional connection. It's nice to see how their lives are going and I always want them to be happy. 1
Dallers Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Never go back to a past girlfriend. It's like reading a book over and over again when you already know how it ends. 1
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