General question about no contact

[OIrish]

Hi everyone!

 

My question is actually general and not specific to me as I have decided even if my ex ever contacted me, I am moving on.

 

I am doing and feeling a lot better than I was before, and I am coming to a point where I can see the other issues that existed in this "relationship" (loosely speaking!) I'm able to see that ending it was the right choice and in fact the only choice.

 

On to my question, I have read a lot about no contact, and using it to move on, heal, come to a better place and people using it to try to get an ex back.

 

When people use no contact to try to get an ex back, I don't actually understand who contacts who? As in, the one who dumped someone contacts the person they dumped or the one who was dumped contacts the dumper?

 

And if you break up with someone and they are willing to go weeks or months without speaking to you doesn't that say something about the context of your relationship?

 

To me, no contact is the only way I would ever have been able to get myself together and move away emotionally but having done it I don't think I could jump right back to the former relationship. Granting you my most recent relationship was short and barely qualified, but thinking back to my ex where we were together 3 years, once we said those words it was really done.

 

How do people do it?

[aloneinaz]

Hi everyone!

 

 

 

 

When people use no contact to try to get an ex back, I don't actually understand who contacts who? ?

 

 

The dumper comes back and contacts the dumpee. NC isn't to get a dumper back, it's to allow the dumpee to heal and move on with their lives. SOMETIMES, when a dumpee vanishes from a dumpers life, the dumper MAY get bored from bad dates, have a bad rebound relationship, get lonely or horny, miss things about the dumpee, etc and come back around for various reasons. Going NC with the dumper SOMETIMES makes the dumper miss the dumpee.

 

And if you break up with someone and they are willing to go weeks or months without speaking to you doesn't that say something about the context of your relationship??

 

 

Yes/no.. Most of the time, a dumper wants to end the relationship. The want to explore other options. So, they spend these months dating and maybe have a rebound relationship or two. If the dating or short relationships were bad, they MAY miss the person they dumped due to getting lonely, horny or actually realizing what they had wasn't that bad.

 

To me, no contact is the only way I would ever have been able to get myself together and move away emotionally but having done it I don't think I could jump right back to the former relationship. Granting you my most recent relationship was short and barely qualified, but thinking back to my ex where we were together 3 years, once we said those words it was really done.

 

NC allows you time away from any contact from your ex. You heal, get over the emotional pain and hurt. Once the fog lifts, you're truly able to view the past relationship clearly. You then realize in most cases that the relationship wasn't that great nor was the person. You then become grateful that the relationship is over and hopefully have moved on to someone you're happy with.

[Jimmyjackson]

Hi everyone!

 

My question is actually general and not specific to me as I have decided even if my ex ever contacted me, I am moving on.

 

I am doing and feeling a lot better than I was before, and I am coming to a point where I can see the other issues that existed in this "relationship" (loosely speaking!) I'm able to see that ending it was the right choice and in fact the only choice.

 

On to my question, I have read a lot about no contact, and using it to move on, heal, come to a better place and people using it to try to get an ex back.

 

When people use no contact to try to get an ex back, I don't actually understand who contacts who? As in, the one who dumped someone contacts the person they dumped or the one who was dumped contacts the dumper?

 

And if you break up with someone and they are willing to go weeks or months without speaking to you doesn't that say something about the context of your relationship?

 

To me, no contact is the only way I would ever have been able to get myself together and move away emotionally but having done it I don't think I could jump right back to the former relationship. Granting you my most recent relationship was short and barely qualified, but thinking back to my ex where we were together 3 years, once we said those words it was really done.

 

How do people do it?

 

1. Dumper should contact dumpee as they ended it, if they want the dumpee back but don't make it clear then how on earth is the dumpee supposed to know? There probably are cases where the dumpee has contacted first but it's probably rare.

 

2. When someone breaks up with you and goes months without speaking to you, it's because you're broken up. It doesn't say anything about the relationship at all, it just means the dumper understands they've hurt you and out of respect are refraining from contacting you. My ex went cold on me, at first I thought "how could she"...but then I realised she was doing me a favour

[mightycpa]

Hi everyone!

 

My question is actually general and not specific to me as I have decided even if my ex ever contacted me, I am moving on.

 

I am doing and feeling a lot better than I was before, and I am coming to a point where I can see the other issues that existed in this "relationship" (loosely speaking!) I'm able to see that ending it was the right choice and in fact the only choice.

 

On to my question, I have read a lot about no contact, and using it to move on, heal, come to a better place and people using it to try to get an ex back.

The mentality here is "I'll make them miss me. I'll show them that I can live without them. That will make them come running back to me! They will be sorry they ever broke up with me!" It seldom works, and you've touched on why.

 

When people use no contact to try to get an ex back, I don't actually understand who contacts who? As in, the one who dumped someone contacts the person they dumped or the one who was dumped contacts the dumper?

The dumpee schemes, then hopes, then prays that the dumper sees the error of their ways, and comes running back, hat in hand. I guess it might go like that sometimes, but I have to believe that generally, it does not. When a person gets to the point that they are willing to torch the relationship, what makes anybody think that they're going to swallow their pride and return? And if they do, then the dumpee has to contend with the possibility that this is how that person solves problems - by quitting.

 

And if you break up with someone and they are willing to go weeks or months without speaking to you doesn't that say something about the context of your relationship?

I think it just means that they take the dumper at their word, that they view a breakup as a very serious statement of disinterest, and that the dumpee is not interested in convincing the dumper to want a relationship. At least, that's how I always saw it.

 

To me, no contact is the only way I would ever have been able to get myself together and move away emotionally but having done it I don't think I could jump right back to the former relationship. Granting you my most recent relationship was short and barely qualified, but thinking back to my ex where we were together 3 years, once we said those words it was really done.

Yes, it is quite a destructive move, isn't it? You don't repair fine crystal that has shattered so that you can drink from it again. You throw it out, and replace it.

How do people do it?

I think maybe they are more involved in a power struggle, and are not really paying attention to what's going on. It's a form of denial in my view.