Financial Infidelity

[Apache Bronco]

What forum would I use to discuss this?

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

general relationship discussion I guess . . . what do you mean by financial infidelity? Did you use another ATM machine?

[understand50]

Apache Bronco.

 

I can relate, as I came to LS over my wife's Financial Infidelity. Financial Infidelity has many of the same issues and behaviors that Sexual Infidelity has, in that your spouse is keeping secrets, and betraying you. On LS, there is not a lot of people working trough Financial Infidelity, but the basics for stopping the problem, making a decision to divorce or reconcile, and finely how to reconcile can be applied. Please take this seriously, as Financial Infidelity ends more marriages and relationships then Sexual Infidelity.

 

Here is our story:

5 kids, collage, careers, and 2 grandchildren later, My wife after getting out of collage, was an on and off stay at home mom. Later, we decided to have her stay at home to keep the “teenagers in line” In 2008, the company I had worked for 15 years was sold and I was layed off. I also found that my wife had been running up credit cards ($60K), spending a 2nd mortgage line of credit, $80K, and took out loans on our 401K, $30K. Total $170K. This is known as financial infidelity, and it leads to divorce as does sexual infidelity. I spent some time (3 months) deciding if I wanted to stay in the marriage. 3 things decided it for me. I still loved her, if we divorced we both would be poor, and lastly, I wanted to keep our family together. Due to the economy, all the kids had come back home.

 

So we studied on the internet, and came up with the following from many sources. We talk and agree on process, and make sure whatever we are doing it works for both of us.

 

First, I let my wife know I wanted to try and make the marriage work, but that I did not want the marriage we had. I asked he to take some time and think about it and come back to me. I made her take a week, she wanted to stay together as well.

 

Second, she had to help me find out where all the money went. There was a possibility that she had or was having a A, or drugs, or gambling, or all. None of these were so. Basically over the course of 5 years she spent about 2000k a month extra on things for herself, the kids, her family and friends. She had to come clean with everyone on what she had done. She did do this after much talking and insisting. As this was finical, it was easier to track then a A. (good paper trail) She also had to give up the money management, and now I do it, but we go over the bills each month. This way she get her input. I also give her and myself some money to do as we please.

 

Third, We started Date night. Once a week we get out of the house and do something as a couple. Depending on money situation, it could be a walk, picnic, movie, dinner, or just a long drive. The rule is we are out to have fun and we do not talk about or bring anything “heavy” up. This is for us to enjoy each others company. This has worked very well, and we both consider it the highlight of our week. We try and out do each other on things to do, that fit our budget.

 

Four, our communication was bad. We just did not talk about anything that would upset the other. “rug sweeping” We started setting aside a time each week, where we had privacy and talk. I insisted on honesty and no secrets between us. We later went to talking each month. We had long talks on why she spent the money, did she and really want to stay together, and many other questions. She had to be truthful on everything. I as well.

 

OK:

 

I think if you could post your story that would be helpful. At least the folks here can then give you the benefit of there experiences. Also keep in mind that other issue can come out of the woodwork, so be prepared for that.

 

I wish you luck.

 

626466

[understand50]

general relationship discussion I guess . . . what do you mean by financial infidelity? Did you use another ATM machine?

 

This is a good quip, but I do not think that this is what he had in mind.

8082

[Davey L]

general relationship discussion I guess . . . what do you mean by financial infidelity? Did you use another ATM machine?

 

I also wondered what it meant at first. I have certainly been guilty of sticking my card in a different slot at times.

 

However thanks to other post above I understand what this means, and can relate to this. My wife is poor at handling money and concealed debt from me, with partial success. I knew something was up but she continued to hide and deny. I just made sure her access to credit was limited eg by keeping her off the house ownership and mortgage and so on. In the end she had to hit bottom before she admitted she had a problem. Fortunately the amount was limited enough I could deal with it although she had to suffer some financial pain (I cancelled a couple of holidays and took a monthly amount from her, made her cancel cards and so on)

[Got it]

I also wondered what it meant at first. I have certainly been guilty of sticking my card in a different slot at times.

 

However thanks to other post above I understand what this means, and can relate to this. My wife is poor at handling money and concealed debt from me, with partial success. I knew something was up but she continued to hide and deny. I just made sure her access to credit was limited eg by keeping her off the house ownership and mortgage and so on. In the end she had to hit bottom before she admitted she had a problem. Fortunately the amount was limited enough I could deal with it although she had to suffer some financial pain (I cancelled a couple of holidays and took a monthly amount from her, made her cancel cards and so on)

 

Sooo . . . . she is like a child and you grounded her?

[carhill]

Financial infidelity would be the money version or sexual or emotional infidelity, that being the spending of, or diversion of marital assets to a party not in the marriage for reasons known only to the person spending or diverting. Comparatively, financial betrayal wouldn't be focused on another person, rather betraying the marital trust and partnership by otherwise inappropriate spending.

 

An example of the infidelity part could be a married man buying another woman a six figure car, regardless of any other involvement they might have. Financial betrayal could be the same man spending six figures at the track or casino and losing it all. This presumes six figures isn't walking around money, rather having serious impact on the marital financial health.