Torii Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Hey everybody. Maybe I'm just being concerned... but I've noticed that my boyfriend spends a bit too much money on our roommate. Even if it is just $20 - 40 most months, on ridiculous stuff that's not needed. I might be overreacting to this situation. All I know is that my boyfriend and I are trying to save for our future.. And even though the money that was spend was put back, I still feel like his savings shouldn't be touched unless we have an emergency.. What I also noticed, is that our roommate argues with my boyfriend when he says he doesn't want to spend any money on ridiculous stuff that has no value. Our roommate gets angry..
LadyDeadpool Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) Have you talked to your boyfriend about your concerns about the money? If not talk to him. Also the roommate has no right to get angry because unless he pays your boyfriend's salary, he has no entitlement to your boyfriend's money. You also need to consider the fact that it is your boyfriend's money and as such, he can do what he wants with it, so even if after your talk he still wants to pay for stuff for his roommate, you just have to let it go. If he does want to stop paying for stuff and things get really bad (eg. Roommate keeps getting angry about it) finding a new roommate may be an option. You guys don't need that type of drama in your life. Edited June 2, 2015 by LadyDeadpool
Keenly Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Be very careful where you are treading. Telling another person what they can and can't do with their own money is not well advised. You say the spent money is always replaced... So what's the problem? I have a room mate. We have been friends for 15 years. He has always been... less financially able than I have been in life. I buy dinner or whatever for him every now and then. If it doesn't affect your budget, and its not your money, don't try to control it. It's an overreach of your "jurisdiction" so to speak. 6
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Is the roomie female or male? What kind of stuff is being bought? What are these arguments about? 3
Author Torii Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 Have you talked to your boyfriend about your concerns about the money? If not talk to him. Also the roommate has no right to get angry because unless he pays your boyfriend's salary, he has no entitlement to your boyfriend's money. You also need to consider the fact that it is your boyfriend's money and as such, he can do what he wants with it, so even if after your talk he still wants to pay for stuff for his roommate, you just have to let it go. If he does want to stop paying for stuff and things get really bad (eg. Roommate keeps getting angry about it) finding a new roommate may be an option. You guys don't need that type of drama in your life. Of course I spoke with him about the spending. He puts the money back, so this isn't my concern. My concern is that our roommate feels like it's his duty to tell my boyfriend what to spend his money on, even after my boyfriend says it's for emergencies only. If the money doesn't get spend, our roommate gets upset because - and I quote this - "we have more money than him" which I believe means he wants us to be out of money just like he is.
Author Torii Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 @Keenly: I'm not trying to control his money. His money is his money, it's more-so the fact that the roommate doesn't want my boyfriend to have any left over after bills. He'll put $40 away into savings, and if he doesn't spend it on whatever our roommate wants, an argument happens.. It's "Hey, let's do this.. Can I borrow money?.. " once he finds out that we still have money. @Clarence: Our roommate is a male. They've been friends for 7 years, and my boyfriend told me he's never able to save money.
O'Malley Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 What I also noticed, is that our roommate argues with my boyfriend when he says he doesn't want to spend any money on ridiculous stuff that has no value. Our roommate gets angry.. How is the relationship between this roommate and yourself? Most people would be concerned if they had the impression that their SO was being taken advantage of or otherwise treated poorly, so having those feelings are valid. However, it's up to your boyfriend to set boundaries with your roommate. I'd tell your boyfriend that your roommate's attitude towards him - specifically his anger when he doesn't get your bf to shell out on what he wants - makes you highly uncomfortable. Let your bf conclude that he doesn't have to deal with this crap from the guy. 2
Author Torii Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 How is the relationship between this roommate and yourself? Most people would be concerned if they had the impression that their SO was being taken advantage of or otherwise treated poorly, so having those feelings are valid. However, it's up to your boyfriend to set boundaries with your roommate. I'd tell your boyfriend that your roommate's attitude towards him - specifically his anger when he doesn't get your bf to shell out on what he wants - makes you highly uncomfortable. Let your bf conclude that he doesn't have to deal with this crap from the guy. I've tried to communicate this as well; that it makes me uncomfortable when he's spending money on our roommate when he should be saving. I'm angry because he tells me one thing - says he'll be saving the money and does the exact opposite when our roommate comes around. My boyfriend says he spends the money to shut up our roommate so he won't keep asking for favors and to avoid any arguments that arise by telling him no. Arguments happen a lot between them when my boyfriend wants to conserve money.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Both of you work out a budget: bills/shared expenses, nest fund, emergency fund, date night fund & personal savings/fun money. As long as he's putting the agreed amount in each fund, he is free to spend his personal savings/fun money as he wishes.
MissBee Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 If he replaces the money then I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it. However, it would bother me if my boyfriend and I lived with a roommate (I'd never do this personally) who was his friend and where he had to constantly buy things for his less responsible friend. This breaks relationships and marriages ALL the time. When a SO has a wayward friend or family member that they decide to take care of it can become a burden on the relationship. I was with a guy and one reason we couldn't last was because he felt he needed to be Captain-Save-An-Irresponsible-Friend and had two friends where he was always at their beck and call cleaning up their messes and helping them out and worse, they couldn't do the same for him. I have friends who I will of course assist if needed but not friends who are irresponsible where I feel like they can't save so I have to give them money or need to constantly support them or clean up their mess. In any case, it's not like hundreds of dollars so thank God and he replaces it, so thank God again. But I'd personally see if you all could move because I think a couple living with the bf's friend who is less responsible and where bf feels he must spend on him will not be good for the relationship. 2
Phoe Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 There's nothing you can do about what your boyfriend chooses to do with his money, but I'd consider looking into why the roommate needs to be aware of the fact that there's extra money. Why is he privy to whether there is or isn't money in savings? To me that's info that ought to be private. But if your boyfriend is freely and happily offering up that information, that's all up to him. 2
Author Torii Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 If he replaces the money then I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it. However, it would bother me if my boyfriend and I lived with a roommate (I'd never do this personally) who was his friend and where he had to constantly buy things for his less responsible friend. This breaks relationships and marriages ALL the time. When a SO has a wayward friend or family member that they decide to take care of it can become a burden on the relationship. I was with a guy and one reason we couldn't last was because he felt he needed to be Captain-Save-An-Irresponsible-Friend and had two friends where he was always at their beck and call cleaning up their messes and helping them out and worse, they couldn't do the same for him. I have friends who I will of course assist if needed but not friends who are irresponsible where I feel like they can't save so I have to give them money or need to constantly support them or clean up their mess. In any case, it's not like hundreds of dollars so thank God and he replaces it, so thank God again. But I'd personally see if you all could move because I think a couple living with the bf's friend who is less responsible and where bf feels he must spend on him will not be good for the relationship. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, maybe I'm being a bit too concerned about where his money goes - but if he's spending responsibly, I couldn't care less as long as our savings stayed with money in it. I just don't like the fact that he has to put $20 - 40 back in after the roommate wants whatever he wants, and with a limited income, that's a $20 - 40 setback everytime this happens. Especially when I want to get our lives, as a couple, started. Truth is, the roommate can't save money. Even with $30 left in his pocket, he'll spend it because he believes there's no reason to save such little at a time. It adds up, which I don't think he comprehends. I don't want to sound harsh, because I'm actually a sweetie, but I'm getting sick of this ego rubbing on my relationship. I don't know if I'm being too unrealistic here.. I'm just getting tired of the arguments when it doesn't go how the roommate wants. I mean, we HAD $70 and once the roommate found out about our money stash - gone in less than 24 hours because my boyfriend cannot say no to this other man.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Get a safe deposit box. Have it in both your names, so neither can access it alone. Have envelopes for each fund with amounts & dates on the outside or on a slip inside. Every payday deposit the agreed amount in them. Your & his private money can be kept wherever. Couples should never share all their money & avoid loaning money to each other, as much as possible. 1
MissBee Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Yeah. Exactly. I mean, maybe I'm being a bit too concerned about where his money goes - but if he's spending responsibly, I couldn't care less as long as our savings stayed with money in it. I just don't like the fact that he has to put $20 - 40 back in after the roommate wants whatever he wants, and with a limited income, that's a $20 - 40 setback everytime this happens. Especially when I want to get our lives, as a couple, started. Truth is, the roommate can't save money. Even with $30 left in his pocket, he'll spend it because he believes there's no reason to save such little at a time. It adds up, which I don't think he comprehends. I don't want to sound harsh, because I'm actually a sweetie, but I'm getting sick of this ego rubbing on my relationship. I don't know if I'm being too unrealistic here.. I'm just getting tired of the arguments when it doesn't go how the roommate wants. I mean, we HAD $70 and once the roommate found out about our money stash - gone in less than 24 hours because my boyfriend cannot say no to this other man. Maybe you should keep your money separately from your bf if he's gonna do this. But why are you guys living with his friend or why is his friend living with you? It seems like his friend is a third wheel in the relationship esp financially and I only see this becoming more of a problem. 3
Author Torii Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 Maybe you should keep your money separately from your bf if he's gonna do this. But why are you guys living with his friend or why is his friend living with you? It seems like his friend is a third wheel in the relationship esp financially and I only see this becoming more of a problem. His friend lives with us because my boyfriend didn't want to just leave him high and dry with no place to go. He didn't want his friend to be homeless again. So there's that. I know that this can become more of a problem, and this is what I'm trying to prevent from happening. Maybe @Clarence was right; we should keep our savings separate from each other - and as much as I don't like it, he'll do whatever he wants to do with that money. I just want to have some saved in case of an emergency, that's all I'm trying to do and maybe I'm not in the position to do this..
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 His friend can do a lot, even if he's economically challenged. He can do all the cleaning & if he's trustworthy, stuff like shopping & laundry. Nobody should get a free ride. 2
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 If you guys are planning a future, there is no reason that you can't insist on starting some joint savings funds, that are only to be touched when you guys get your own place or separate. If he wont agree to that, you might want to rethink being serious with him. 2
Author Torii Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 @Clarence: Understandable. We all help to keep the place cleaned, etc. The roommate, however, doesn't usually have money left over so I or my boyfriend usually pays for the laundry to be done around here. I told the roommate that it will cost him only $20 to do laundry 4 times a month, so hopefully he'll fall through with this and save this much at least. So that's less of an expense out of mine or my boyfriends pocket.
Author Torii Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 If you guys are planning a future, there is no reason that you can't insist on starting some joint savings funds, that are only to be touched when you guys get your own place or separate. If he wont agree to that, you might want to rethink being serious with him. This is what we tried to do before - but these shared saving funds were gone as soon as the roommate found out.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Bank accounts are BS & not safe. A SDB is the only way to go, as long as both of you have to be there to access it. It's very easy & cheap to get one.
Author Torii Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 Roommate will be getting their own place in November. I believe that this step is going to help us save what we've been wanting to save since we moved in together last year. I also spoke with my boyfriend again as well. He told me once the roommate is finally out of the apartment, that we will have more money flow between the two of us - and I'm hopeful that he won't spend like this after his friend is gone. He even told me about the plan he is going to follow so he won't be spending that much once it's just us. Thanks for all your comments and input so far. I spoke about my concern to him and after multiple conversations, he's shown me the financial plan he has been developing for quite some time now. I'm sure we'll do just fine once it is just the two of us. Thanks again!
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 What your boyfriend does or doesn't do with his money is NONE of his roommate's business. The guy gets no say in this, so next time he acts up and butts in his nose in there, your boyfriend needs to tell him to chill out and stop it. 2
Author Torii Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Told the roommate how it is. Said he does not have any say in where the money goes, and I even told my SO that he has to be less of a pushover. I told the roommate that just because he lives with us, doesn't mean he's financially entitled to the money my SO brings home. I understand groceries are shared, but that's a totally different topic. He has no right to tell my SO how and where to spend money on random stuff that isn't needed, and has no right to get mad when SO spends on household items. Thanks for your posts, everybody. They've helped me have proper conversations with these two. Hopefully everything will be better in the future. No need for this thread. 2
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Just curious, how did the roommate react to what you said? I just still cannot believe the balls the roommate has to try and dictate what your SO spends money on! Roommate is acting like a controlling spouse!! lol 1
autumnnight Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 This is what we tried to do before - but these shared saving funds were gone as soon as the roommate found out. This is a problem. The roommate has no business knowing about other savings. And it sounds like your BF needs to stand up to his friend and say "butt out!"
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