I was too late and I lost

[TooLateILost]

Hi,

 

This is going to be a long story, so brace yourself

 

I am 37 years old, married and have two girls - 12 and 6 years old. I married when I was 23 and the elder one was born before I was 25. Marriage started breaking up pretty soon. The younger one was born during a phase of reconciliation. I haven't slept with my wife for 6.5 years, though we have mostly lived in same house.

 

About 4 years ago, I met a wonderful girl (at work), I was 33 and she was 23 then, and we fell for each other. I told her that I would never divorce due to my kids, she understood and agreed. We started our relationship. Things got very serious and we really loved each other.

 

After about 3 years, when she was 26, she wanted to start a new life, so decided to break up, got a new job and left. After about a fortnight, I realized she was very important to me, I approached her, promised to divorce and we got back.

 

When I was in the process of divorce, my elder daughter hit puberty, I got scared about what if wife marries a creep who will take advantage of my daughter. I decided to not divorce and told my girl. She understood and said that she will continue as long as she can. After that, for about next 5 months we had sporadic fights because of my decision to not divorce.

 

Then 50 days ago, her best friend was going to get married. She went for the bachelorrette party alone, found that everybody had come with their partners, understood what she was losing on and broke up. I understood.

 

But after about a month, I realized she was the single most important person in my life. I files for divorce, moved out of the home and approached her. Now she says she has fallen out of love with me and is seeing somebody else. She has completely blocked me out from everywhere.

 

I have become a zombie. Haven't slept in last 20 days. Obsess about her all the time and life is hell. I can't understand the reasons for her behavior

 

Please tell me how can she move over a four years long relationship just like that?

 

[Syberia]

I think you answered your own question. She gave you plenty of chances, and then she gave up. The decision may not have been a conscious one, but she's no longer interested.

 

Either way, you are getting away from what has been a ball and chain in every sense of the word. You have not even slept with your wife for 6.5 years, but being in that "marriage" was preventing you from finding someone else to be happy with. The kids will be fine, and trust me, if your wife meets a "creep" and thinks he's right for her, she'll be the one divorcing you and staying in this sham of a marriage won't do a thing to stop it.

Edited June 1, 2015 by Syberia

[EgoJoe]

Therapy........

[dangerbang]

You didn't leave your wife because your daughter hit puberty and your wife may have hooked up with a creepy bloke that would, I don't know, molest your daughter or something?

 

Is that the world's most ridiculous excuse ever used by a man to his misstress?

 

Anyway, you made your own bed here buddy, I find it hard to sympathise. If I was the younger girls friend I'd tell her to run a mile from this situation and find someone her own age with no baggage. She probably took someone's advice, more red flags in that relationship than a communist rally.

[ZiggyZoo]

How can she move on? Sounds like she finally realized that she can do better than being with a man who puts his marriage to another woman above her. Its all well and good that you're concerned for who your daughter is going to be around, but there are ways other than remaining married to her mother to keep tabs on things. You could, oh I don't know, ASK your daughter if anyone makes her uncomfortable. Or meet the guys your ex is involved with.

 

Your ex-mistress already gave you a second chance, and you blew it. You wanted to have your cake and est it too, which is a classic cheating spouse move. Otherwise, you wouldn't have stopped at anything to be with her. If you really love this woman, let her go. She's clearly only the most important person to you only when she's gone.

[aloneinaz]

In my opinion, you need to let your mistress move on w/her life. As it was already mentioned, she gave you a couple of chances that you didn't jump on. You asked how she could simply walk away so easily and appear to not care. She could be doing that for her own good. Some folks disappear after a relationship ends for their own healing. She's not being "mean" and it doesn't mean she didn't love you. She just thinks your relationship is over and knows having any contact with you will prevent her from healing and moving on w/her life.

 

 

You should focus on your new life. You're out of your un-happy marriage and you now have a chance at finding someone new that you'll be crazy about while helping your children adjust to their new lives.

[Satu]

Never offer half of yourself to a woman, it isn't enough.

[mightycpa]

Please tell me how can she move over a four years long relationship just like that?

You mean just like this?

 

 

1. I told her that I would never divorce due to my kids
   
2. I approached her, promised to divorce and we got back.
   
3. I decided to not divorce and told my girl.
   
4. Then She understood what she was losing on and broke up. I understood.
   
5. I files for divorce, moved out of the home and approached her. She has completely blocked me out from everywhere. I can't understand the reasons for her behavior
   

 

 

You flaked on her repeatedly. You're not reliable. You repeatedly make life-altering mistakes. And the worst is that you don't understand.

 

That's how she did it. Just like that!

[thekarmacist]

look how many times YOU turned your back on HER. you also turned your back on your wife, but you're ok with those things.

 

you've clearly demonstrated your character to all involved, and everyone sees it except you.

[Satu]

I don't mean to offend, but you come across as a rather passive person.

 

There are times in life when a firm decision has to be made and stuck to, if you want to move forward or seize an opportunity.

 

Passive can't cut it.

 

In a man, it's a critical flaw.

[Thecondor1991]

Well to be honest this situation is a pretty easy one to dissect. The simple answer is this: She's moving on because you continually went back on your word. You cant expect someone to wait for you time and time again, its not fair to her or you really... Unfortunately she seems to have found someone else, and yeah that sucks. That being said there is a positive in all this, and that is the fact that you have filed for divorce and are finally ready to move on from your passed relationship. Now next time when you find somebody that you are willing to give your heart to, you want have anything stopping you from living happily with this person.

[TooLateILost]

Yes guys, I do realize that the situation is all of my own making. I am the one at fault.

 

Is there any way I can salvage it? Now I do realize firmly what is important for me, and am willing to do anything to get that.

 

Any way I can convince her to get back?

[thekarmacist]

me, me, me. how about being unselfish for once? let them both go and start a new relationship that doesn't involve dishonesty and indecision...if you're even capable, which your past behavior suggests you are not.

 

past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

 

see a therapist before you hurt more people, including yourself.

[TooLateILost]

I understand and accept all my mistakes. I procrastinated a lot, made stupid excuses. She gave me couple of chances, I flunked both. But now I am finally determined to do everything for her. An example - I stutter, pretty severely. She always wanted me to work on it, speak to people, speak in public, I never did that due to my internal fears. Once she left, to prove myself in her eyes, I won over my fear and have not overcome my stuttering. What I couldn't do in 37 years, did in 37 days.

 

She too isn't over me yet. She says so, but isn't. She told me when she broke up that she would have a fling and will then marry according to her parents' wish (in India arranged marriages are still very common). I know for a fact, that yesternight she was on the matrimonial site till 12:00 AM, then at 1:30 AM her new fling came to her apartment and spent the night there. Isn't it the sign of a confused mind?

 

I am just hopeful that she is very very mad at me, and once her anger subsides, I might have a chance.

 

Instead of ridiculing me (which I know is justified), please help me.

[ZiggyZoo]

Man, let her go! You had two chances to make things right by her, and you didn't. I doubt there's anyone on here who's going to help you, you're behaving in an incredibly selfish manner. All you're writing is how much SHE benefitted YOU. Not one single word, not one, is about how much better you make her life. Re-read what you've written. It's all about you.

 

Believe her when she says she's over you, and quit stalking her. Respect her wishes and leave her alone to find happiness in her life. She didn't choose you in the end, if she had, she'd be with you. It's actually very condescending and quite rude for you to dismiss her wishes and assume that you know what she's thinking and wants. She's a grown woman, capable of making up her own mind.

[TooLateILost]

Both of us benefited from each other a lot. I was her first real relationship. We used to do everything together - cycling, playing squash, bird photography, books, music, swimming, traveling. All our interests matched. We were each other's best friends. She was madly in love with me for a reason.

 

Please try to understand my situation. I am from India and divorces here aren't as common as the western world. I know I made a huge blunder, but now I have repented for that.

 

She is punishing herself as well. Her earlier plan was to move abroad with me and roam the world. And then marry after 2-3 years. Now she has put all her dreams away; is in a loveless fling and is looking at suitors. All her friends say she look sad and depressed. I know I am being condescending and rude but this is the truth.

 

To err is human. I made a mistake. In fact made the same mistake couple of times. But now I am repenting. We two are truly made for each other. And this is the reason for my despair.

[TooLateILost]

She has known the new guy for 10 years and never had any feelings for her. He studied with her and work at a place adjacent to hers.

 

He just happened to be at the right place at the right time

[LifeNomad]

if you love her, leave her alone, if you happen to talk to her, tell her you will wait for her

 

 

don't actually wait for her obviously you gonna move on with your life as best as you can and maybe theres a slim chance she will try to contact you if things don't go well with the new guy.

 

 

in the meantime, embrace your new life, it sounds you weren't happy with your wife at the time anyways.

 

 

most importantly, be a great dad

 

 

she might also be trying to make you wait now, since she waited for you. Either way, just leave her alone, don't let her see the sad pathetic obsessed person.

 

 

Good luck

[ZiggyZoo]

She has known the new guy for 10 years and never had any feelings for her. He studied with her and work at a place adjacent to hers.

 

He just happened to be at the right place at the right time

 

You don't know anything about what he did or didn't feel for her. This is their relationship, not yours. You have no place in it or her life from now onwards. For all you know, this guy could be the one she's destined to be with, and all the years she wasted waiting for you to come around were to make sure she ended up with him.

 

The only thing about her life that should matter to you is that you aren't in it. Period. And if someone loves you and wants you to be with them, that's exaclty what'll happen. Stop assuming this is a fling, or she's too angry to be with you. If she wanted to be with you, she would. She just has enough of waiting for you to keep your word and do the right thing. You had your chance. Twice.

 

Let her go and focus on yourself. There's two children out there who are going to be going through a tough time, with their parents divorcing. Focus on them, they need you more than your ex does, she's moved on. Worry about you and yours.

[Lois_Griffin]

Is that the world's most ridiculous excuse ever used by a man to his misstress?

God knows cheating married men come up with some real doozies when they don't want to get that promised divorce, so nothing surprises me anymore.

 

OP, you're lucky she wasted 4 years of her life on you, considering it got her absolutely nowhere but disappointed over and over and over again.

 

What makes you think you're such a catch that she should have just locked herself in her house for the rest of her life, mourning your absence and waiting for you to come back to her some day?

 

You had enough chances and you blew them with your ridiculous excuses.

 

Just curious - if you were so worried about your daughter being molested by a new boyfriend of your wife's that you couldn't leave before, what's so different NOW that you don't fear it anymore and have left?