nightmare01 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Wow. Another - it's all my BS's fault. You know your BH was in the same marriage as you, right? You and he were working opposite shifts.. so you were alone, but so was he, right? He says he was checked out and not trying - but you had an affair... sounds like you had checked out as well and weren't trying either. Do you want to save your marriage? If so stop blaming your husband and take responsibility for your own actions. If you want an open marriage, at least be honest and let your husband in on that information. Listen. You're lying to your husband. Not telling is lying, it's called a lie of omission. The reason people lie is to control the person they are lying to. You don't want to experience the consequence of your actions, so you are lying. This is, in my opinion, the most disrespectful and destructive thing one person can do to another. Do you think your husband is a good man? Is he worthy of any sort of respect? If so, confess and tell ALL. If you want to keep seeing your OM, tell your husband that and let him choose the path he wants his life to take. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Initially I think I used the MM as my way out, but I'm also aware that if my husband would leave me I know I would probably regret it. Honestly, I think it comes down to self esteem. Both me and the MM had childhood abuse and I think we both suffer from the abandonment issue. Basically we both want to let go, but then don't want to. It's a constant push, pull. Oh my God, stop using this psycho-babble nonsense to explain why you're too weak and selfish to cut the ties with a serial cheater who finally overplayed his hand and got EXACTLY what he deserved. Quite honestly, I hope his wife picks his damned bones clean in the divorce. You were very fortunate that your husband forgave you, regardless of how crappy your marriage had come to be. But then you turned around and basically sh*t all over his gift of forgiveness. If you want to keep falling on the sword for some low-life serial cheater who couldn't even act like a freakin decent MAN while his wife was carrying his own child, then have it. You can keep trying to glorify it as some kind of star-crossed love but it's not. He'd dump you in a New York minute if his wife came back to him (but, pig that he is, he'd be right back out chasing tail within 6 months). In the meantime, he doesn't HAVE anything else and that's why he keeps you on the hook. As an option. How flattering. Yeah, THIS guy is worth losing everything you have over. 4
Brigit Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 The thing is, I know my husband is right for me. He IS what I want, I'm just having a hard time letting go. I think since my husband and I have been SO disconnected for so long that it's hard going back to a broken marriage already. We've built a beautiful life together, we just never built us. Not to mention, if I were to leave my husband, the OM already has made it very clear nothing would happen. His goal is to get his wife back and being with me would prevent that from happening. I write this and KNOW what I am doing is wrong, but yet I'm confused why the OM even keeps me invested. Ugh! Go to counseling. If you leave your husband you'll regret it. The OM has nothing to offer you.
Brigit Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 He's cheated on his wife three times, continues to lie to her (which is why he won't end up winning her back), and he jerks you around, too. Is this the fairytale prince you envisioned as a young lady? He's not luring you back in. You're making that choice. Own it. It's true. This OM isn't a prince, your soulmate or your BFF. He's an obstacle to your health, happiness and future.
fellini Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) Here is the magic formula you have been looking for. You might disagree with it, but it is based on sound theory: STOP TALKING TO YOUR AP. Go back to your husband and start again. That's it. The solution is simple. NOW DO IT. Don't think about it, don't question it. Just DO IT. STOP with AP. Continue with marriage. It has nothing to do with marriage dead or alive, with child abuse, with indecision. If you cannot do this, you have no hope with or without your H, your AP. We don't have the technology to go back in time and be a child again so stop behaving like one. Be the adult that somehow managed to make it to the alter on time. Edited June 2, 2015 by fellini 1
MM1234 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 OP, You need to change your phone number & block your AP from emails, social media, etc. If you don't do that, then you want to stay in contact with the serial cheater & continue cheating on your H. Simple as that...
Author MorningWillow Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 Thank you all for your opinions, suggestions and brutally honest truths. After seeing everyone's comments I thought I would clear some things up. I never once blamed my A on my husband. He blames himself, but I am fully aware it takes two to tango. I have told my husband over and over that I'm lonely in our marriage and I feel as if we are roommates, but for the longest time absolutely REFUSED to go to counseling. We now are going to counseling. Everyone was right the A was a choice, and one I am not proud of and is 100% my fault. I own that and take full responsibilities for my actions. Last night I cut ties to the OMM. I cried, and it hurt, but I know it's right. He will continue to use me at his disposal and I am better than that. My hopes is to really work on my marriage. I bought the suggested books that people mentioned and I really plan on diving in 150%. To not give my husband and I a second chance would be the dumbest most cowardly thing I could do, next to the A of course. If after counseling we find were best a part than so be it, but I'm feeling optimistic about falling in love with the man I originally saw my life with. Thank you all for your brutal honesty and for the slap of reality I needed. Much appreciated! 1
understand50 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Thank you all for your opinions, suggestions and brutally honest truths. After seeing everyone's comments I thought I would clear some things up. I never once blamed my A on my husband. He blames himself, but I am fully aware it takes two to tango. I have told my husband over and over that I'm lonely in our marriage and I feel as if we are roommates, but for the longest time absolutely REFUSED to go to counseling. We now are going to counseling. Everyone was right the A was a choice, and one I am not proud of and is 100% my fault. I own that and take full responsibilities for my actions. Last night I cut ties to the OMM. I cried, and it hurt, but I know it's right. He will continue to use me at his disposal and I am better than that. My hopes is to really work on my marriage. I bought the suggested books that people mentioned and I really plan on diving in 150%. To not give my husband and I a second chance would be the dumbest most cowardly thing I could do, next to the A of course. If after counseling we find were best a part than so be it, but I'm feeling optimistic about falling in love with the man I originally saw my life with. Thank you all for your brutal honesty and for the slap of reality I needed. Much appreciated! Remember, you had the A, so he is giving you the 2nd chance, but I see where in this case you are going to be the one driving the process. I think your husbands self worth could use some building up, but that is my opinion. If you were my wife, I would have separated, and insisted that you drop all contact before we even discussed reconciliation. As you seem more to be in the drivers seat, I hope you keep both your interests in mind. So..... This is what has worked, so far, between my wife and I. (note: Our issue was Financial infidelity) I am re-posting, this is simplistic, but may give you some ideas. note: I edited out the 2nd, as that was looking at keeping my wife spending in check. It is basically letting, or finding out What happened. You have stated that you let him know what went on with your A. First, I let my wife know I wanted to try and make the marriage work, but that I did not want the marriage we had. I asked he to take some time and think about it and come back to me. I made her take a week, she wanted to stay together as well. Third, We started Date night. Once a week we get out of the house and do something as a couple. Depending on money situation, it could be a walk, picnic, movie, dinner, or just a long drive. The rule is we are out to have fun and we do not talk about or bring anything “heavy” up. This is for us to enjoy each others company. This has worked very well, and we both consider it the highlight of our week. We try and out do each other on things to do, that fit our budget. Four, our communication was bad. We just did not talk about anything that would upset the other. “rug sweeping” We started setting aside a time each week, where we had privacy and talk. I insisted on honesty and no secrets between us. We later went to talking each month. We had long talks on why she spent the money, did she and really want to stay together, and many other questions. She had to be truthful on everything. I as well. I think, the first part, letting your husband know you wont to make it work, but you and he need a "new" marriage, is the most important thing to do. It lets both you open up, and discuss issues, and not have everything lead to a fight, or divorce. Date night really works for both of us. It lets us be a fun couple, even if we are having fights or work on stuff. Keep in mind it is for you to reconnect and put aside issues for later. Communications. You need to talk and work things out, but no pick at each other. So our rule is if something is brought up during our talk, it can only be addresses during our talk. This gives us time to think about what we want to say and lets both bring things up in a safe place. What I did not post is.... Sex, have sex, work on sex, have more sex.... I know you are your husband are not me and my wife. None of this may work for you, it did for us and maybe you can take or find something that works for you. Wishing both you luck and a successful reconciliation that works for both of you. 16771679
Brigit Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) Thank you all for your opinions, suggestions and brutally honest truths. After seeing everyone's comments I thought I would clear some things up. I never once blamed my A on my husband. He blames himself, but I am fully aware it takes two to tango. I have told my husband over and over that I'm lonely in our marriage and I feel as if we are roommates, but for the longest time absolutely REFUSED to go to counseling. We now are going to counseling. Everyone was right the A was a choice, and one I am not proud of and is 100% my fault. I own that and take full responsibilities for my actions. Last night I cut ties to the OMM. I cried, and it hurt, but I know it's right. He will continue to use me at his disposal and I am better than that. My hopes is to really work on my marriage. I bought the suggested books that people mentioned and I really plan on diving in 150%. To not give my husband and I a second chance would be the dumbest most cowardly thing I could do, next to the A of course. If after counseling we find were best a part than so be it, but I'm feeling optimistic about falling in love with the man I originally saw my life with. Thank you all for your brutal honesty and for the slap of reality I needed. Much appreciated! I had an affair myself it was online only but nevertheless all the affair elements were there. I also felt VERY lonely in my marriage. My MIL was old and my husband spent a lot of time with her. Between that and his work he had little to no time to attend to our relationship; therefore, I felt like the maid and gardner but not his wife. So I know that feeling of loneliness all too well. You get the feeling your life is passing you by and you're just getting older (I was 42 when I first started up with the OM now I'm 46 and haven't contacted him in 2 months.) You see life as just a bunch of tasks to do without anything to look forward to and you get very sad. Loneliness is bad. An affair isn't the answer but for the moment it seems to be because now you're not sad. You're feeling young and sexy and all you want to do is preserve that moment. The answers to all things happy seem to encompass those few moments that you're engaged with your drug/OM. Maybe it wasn't exactly like this for you. IDK. But you risked a lot for the feeling the OM gave you and you'll need to figure out what was that thing you needed. Edited June 2, 2015 by Brigit
stillafool Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Go to counseling. If you leave your husband you'll regret it. The OM has nothing to offer you. Yes, but is that fair to her husband?
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