lara1235 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 i everyone, This guy broke up with me over a week ago and we just had our last conversation. I was wondering what you guys think of this. We only had this conversation because he kept trying to talk to me and finally asked 'Why can't you talk to me?" (The things he did wrong mentioned include telling me to shut up, blaming his drinking on me, locking me out of his room when he didn't like something I said, making fun of me for not knowing something related to a future career I want, etc. etc. etc) Me: I just don't think that talking is healthy or helpful at this point. Him: That's ok. It just feels like you want me completely out of your life which is sad. And I'd rather you tell me that because i still care about you as a person even if we had to break up. Me: To me, being partially involved in each other's lives right now doesn't seem very conducive to moving on Him: I'm sorry. It's very hard for me too. You just mean a lot to me so it's very hard to make a decision based on logic when i have emotions that feel slightly different. I just don't want to see another person I care about just write me off because we can't be together the way either one of us wished we could Me: Maybe I can talk about it eventually but I don't think keeping an emotional connection is helpful to moving on and I'm not willing to just be placed into whichever role in your life you want me in Him: That's not what I'm trying to do and I'm sorry you feel that way. I wanted to write more but words are failing me right now I respect what you are saying though. I also feel the need to apologize Me: For what? Him: For a lot of things. But firstly for putting a timestamp on a relationship. You never treated it that way and it was unfair to you And for all the other ways i hurt you Me: I mean I also recognized this as temporary but the way you were treating me was just a poor way to treat someone in general regardless of circumstances. Him: I'm sorry, for that. I wasn't the best person I could be and I definitely did not appreciate you as much as I should have. I don't want to make excuses for my actions because I know it was all my own even if it was done to avoid having my heart broken Me: I’m not sure I know what you mean by that. I can understand the logic behind wanting to distance yourself from someone in certain ways to avoid getting hurt, but I don’t see how that applies to many of your actions and words. Him: I should have been kinder. I self sabotage to keep others from getting close instead of distancing which hurts people. Not to mention my difficulty dealing with outside stress that i tend to channel outwards to people who care about me. For that and more i am truly sorry for all i put you through Me: Okay. I don’t think it would be beneficial for me to spend more time asking you to explain things. Self-sabotaging doesn’t seem to explain all your actions. It isn’t a valid excuse, especially since I also experience a lot of stress and wouldn’t use another person, especially one who tried to treat me compassionately, as an outlet. But I don’t like holding onto resentment and I do forgive you and hope you can work on whatever you’re struggling with. It seems like you still want an emotional connection without having the parameters of a relationship which isn’t something I’m interested in right now, and I would appreciate the space to move on at this time. Him: No i agree. No excuse is adequete as i stated before. I want you to be happy so I will give you your space now. Would you guys just be able to tell me what you think of this conversation? I know it seems ridiculous to ask that. I'm just having a rough night since I don't think talking to him was helpful, and this made me miss him a lot. I'm torn between missing him but also thinking that the things he said were self-serving and emotionally manipulative, and I"m looking for an objective viewpoint to confirm that. I also feel kind of bad because I'm not sure if I was too harsh or I'll miss having him in my life, but it seems like he wants to keep me as an emotional support but not have to deal with a relationship.
hunk Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Jesus these messages look scarily similar to the ones myself and my ex exchanged. It just looks like he's alleviating guilt, nothing else. You handled them well and your responses were mature and quite impressive. From this moment you need to go no contact, and I would advocate deleting his phone number, this guy sounds manipulative and emotionally controlling. I said these things to my ex, what he's saying to you here, however she was the one who ended things and I was genuinely trying to apologize for the behavior that caused her to break up with me. Since he ended things though and is saying this stuff, it just looks like he's trying to keep you hanging around as some kind of emotional backup. He's probably scared of the prospect of you actually leaving his life for good. It doesn't mean anything else, he's just struggling with the reality of what he's done, but it doesn't mean he's going to change his mind. The line "I just don't want to see another person I care about just write me off because we can't be together the way either one of us wished we could" is utterly ridiculous and completely self serving - borderline idiotic. He dumped you, what the hell is he thinking. He sounds narcissistic and immature, you handled yourself very well with these messages, all you can do now is delete, forget, move on. 2
frigginlost Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 In my opinion... Hunk is spot on. He's trying to alleviate guilt and is being manipulative. Badly so. This is a definite NC situation... 1
aloneinaz Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 That conversation you listed is similar to many conversations where a dumper is feeling guilty about things and isn't 100% ready to let you go as a potential fall back. It's actually quite selfish as well. He wants to keep you emotionally connected to him as it feels very good knowing there's someone else who's wanting him while he explores his new freedom. I think there's many, many people on this site that are guilty of doing this to someone they dumped. They don't want to date them anymore and want to explore better options. At the same time, they use their ex as a security blanket just in case. The good news is you're in control of this situation moving forward. You should objectively look at what's best for you. This person said he doesn't want you anymore. Why not give him what he requests? Your choices are to continue to reply to his bread crumps or go NC, vanish from his life and heal so you can be ready to meet the next love of your life. From my experiences, staying in contact with someone you still love but doesn't want you only makes the pain and suffering last longer. When my last ex ended us telling me she didn't want me in her life anymore, I was CRUSHED. I also promised myself she'd never hear from me again and she didn't. I regained my self esteem and confidence. I let myself understand that we all get rejected in life and going thru the pain was something that made me stronger. It also allowed me to have the time away from her and get clarity with the fact that the relationship wasn't healthy. I realized I missed being in a relationship, not her and her bs. Only you know what's right for you going forward but this site and the many posters will let you know what works to heal and what doesn't. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 i everyone, This guy broke up with me over a week ago and we just had our last conversation. I was wondering what you guys think of this. We only had this conversation because he kept trying to talk to me and finally asked 'Why can't you talk to me?" (The things he did wrong mentioned include telling me to shut up, blaming his drinking on me, locking me out of his room when he didn't like something I said, making fun of me for not knowing something related to a future career I want, etc. etc. etc) Me: I just don't think that talking is healthy or helpful at this point. Him: That's ok. It just feels like you want me completely out of your life which is sad. And I'd rather you tell me that because i still care about you as a person even if we had to break up. Me: To me, being partially involved in each other's lives right now doesn't seem very conducive to moving on Him: I'm sorry. It's very hard for me too. You just mean a lot to me so it's very hard to make a decision based on logic when i have emotions that feel slightly different. I just don't want to see another person I care about just write me off because we can't be together the way either one of us wished we could Me: Maybe I can talk about it eventually but I don't think keeping an emotional connection is helpful to moving on and I'm not willing to just be placed into whichever role in your life you want me in Him: That's not what I'm trying to do and I'm sorry you feel that way. I wanted to write more but words are failing me right now I respect what you are saying though. I also feel the need to apologize Me: For what? Him: For a lot of things. But firstly for putting a timestamp on a relationship. You never treated it that way and it was unfair to you And for all the other ways i hurt you Me: I mean I also recognized this as temporary but the way you were treating me was just a poor way to treat someone in general regardless of circumstances. Him: I'm sorry, for that. I wasn't the best person I could be and I definitely did not appreciate you as much as I should have. I don't want to make excuses for my actions because I know it was all my own even if it was done to avoid having my heart broken Me: I’m not sure I know what you mean by that. I can understand the logic behind wanting to distance yourself from someone in certain ways to avoid getting hurt, but I don’t see how that applies to many of your actions and words. Him: I should have been kinder. I self sabotage to keep others from getting close instead of distancing which hurts people. Not to mention my difficulty dealing with outside stress that i tend to channel outwards to people who care about me. For that and more i am truly sorry for all i put you through Me: Okay. I don’t think it would be beneficial for me to spend more time asking you to explain things. Self-sabotaging doesn’t seem to explain all your actions. It isn’t a valid excuse, especially since I also experience a lot of stress and wouldn’t use another person, especially one who tried to treat me compassionately, as an outlet. But I don’t like holding onto resentment and I do forgive you and hope you can work on whatever you’re struggling with. It seems like you still want an emotional connection without having the parameters of a relationship which isn’t something I’m interested in right now, and I would appreciate the space to move on at this time. Him: No i agree. No excuse is adequete as i stated before. I want you to be happy so I will give you your space now. Would you guys just be able to tell me what you think of this conversation? I know it seems ridiculous to ask that. I'm just having a rough night since I don't think talking to him was helpful, and this made me miss him a lot. I'm torn between missing him but also thinking that the things he said were self-serving and emotionally manipulative, and I"m looking for an objective viewpoint to confirm that. I also feel kind of bad because I'm not sure if I was too harsh or I'll miss having him in my life, but it seems like he wants to keep me as an emotional support but not have to deal with a relationship. He is on a guilt trip and he's also feeling loss. He's trying to console himself, not you. Go no contact. Don't tell him, just do it. He made the decision to end it, you do not have to be his support source. That's his problem. 1
Ruby65 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Block him so the next time he's feeling bored/lonely/horny he won't be able to get an ego boost from you! 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 You handled that well. You were incredibly mature and self-aware while he was flailing trying to keep you around as a backup. Give yourself a pat on the back for handling yourself well. Now is the time to delete, block, and move forward.
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