Do you need a partner to reach 100% happiness?

[CT98]

Hi all,

 

Just got something which has been on my mind for a little while and I'd like to get other people's opinions on the subject to see if my views are 'normal'.

 

I often hear it said that you shouldn't be looking for your happiness in someone else, and that you won't & can't be in a successful relationship unless you're 100% happy in your single life.

 

This is agree with to a certain extent, I know from experience that relying on someone else to fulfill your happiness is a recipe for disaster, as people can let you down.

 

I've fairly recently discovered my inner happiness after going through a break up in September of last year, I feel really good in knowing that I survived what I went through and I'm stronger and happier for it.

 

I'm happy in my work life, my social life has improved ten-fold, my financial situation is better than it's ever been..

 

However, I do feel like something is missing in not having a romatic partner; someone to go for meals with, to cook for, to take long walks with, to listen to records with, to go on holiday with etc etc, the list is endless.

 

Without love in my life I feel that although things are going great for me at the moment, I've got no one to share it with, and that's what I'm looking for.

 

What I'm saying is, am I desperate/wrong in thinking like this?

 

I imagine most single people must feel like this?

 

Can people be fully satisfied in being single?

 

With my current attitude will all romantic liaisons be doomed to failure?

 

Or am completely normal in feeling this way?

 

I'm not desperate to be with just anybody, I've had plenty of offers lately, I'm holding out for my soulmate...yes I believe in that sort of thing....shoot me

[SammySammy]

Happiness comes from inside a person. It's a decision.

 

No other person can take happiness and put it into your body. Likewise, no one can take happiness out of your body. What really determines your happiness is how you choose to interact with the world. What you choose to believe and feel. How you choose to respond to situations.

 

In my opinion, waiting for someone else to make you happy or complete your life is setting yourself up for disappointment. Because no one can really do that but you.

[CT98]

I do agree, that's something that I've learnt fairly recently.

 

So if that is the case why do people join dating sites, go to speed dating etc? Surely because they feel they would be happier when they're with someone?

[newmoon]

no. i believe you need love to reach a state of happiness. but that love can come via friends, family, support networks and social groups. it does not necessarily have to come through a partner, although most people believe that it does. we are programmed by society and its norms to believe that a partner = happiness, but happiness is an internal feeling that you need to create and continue to cultivate for yourself. a partner can add to your level of happiness, but can't create it for you. but, we all need some form of love and acceptance from someone, or a group, or something. love and acceptance is a universal need and longing, and people strive to get it externally (via partners and dating sites and etc.) instead of focusing on themselves first.

Edited June 1, 2015 by newmoon

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're not supposed to be COMPLETELY and utterly happy, alone and single.

 

What you are supposed to be, is a highly functional single person who is not emotionally dependent/when not with or connected to someone else, and just anyone else for that matter, just for emotional comfort and fulfillment that you are dependent on just to function...even going so far as to completely desire/need someone else in order to feel any happiness, and there are A LOT of women out there like that.

 

The major most common mistake made by people is simply relationship/love interest hopping, while still harboring a lot of those emotions and scars from the past...carrying them over into each and every relationship, those fears, pains, anxieties or whatever...it's a pain in the @ss having to deal with what some other guy did, and had she dealt with those issues within herself then she'd be more likely to receive and experience something new and fresh, but since lot of people don't they kind of like paints the wall each and every time, one coat over the other, trying to bury them deep inside the wall...but the other coat is still there, it has to be removed before a fresh coat can be laid.

 

So a lot of these people tend to just drag themselves through the mud, making their heartache and suffering even worse, as they go through failed relationship after relationship, because they always "believe" some magical person will come by who is "right for them" and make it all worth while...like all those stupid decisions you made with the wrong person is some kind of emotional piggy bank where you've just been saving up change by handful of change until that ultimate end pay off.

 

Those or the kind of people, and the kind of mentality that really just keeps people going in circles and it's very very common. People just do not like to deal with their baggage, they really don't and don't know how and necessarily don't really care to learn or invest any time and energy into "repairing" themselves emotionally.

 

Now if you're not lingering in some emotional cave, waiting and hoping for that big lottery insta-mega win where all your dreams are just going to instantly come true, then you should be dating. If you have yourself together, you feel strong, you feel confident, you feel good about yourself, you're not worried about selling yourself cheap and chasing after any old hoe....or just settling for something or anything, the first thing that comes by because you don't want to be alone and single and you want to get on with those big wonderful dreams...then you are ready to date and have someone in your life...IF you feel ready.

 

I don't think anyone should just cut out love in their life, just to reach this spiritual forthcoming of awareness...unless you feel that is necessary. I've had my own personal moments where I just needed everything to stop....everything was just moving too fast, too crazy, I was spinning and needed to take myself out of the dating world and just figure myself out. I needed to pursue things in my life that were about me and only me, and I needed that solitude for reflection and piece of mind.

 

But after that, it was a slow getting my feet again kind of situation...but things for me rolled right back into motion, it's hard for me to stay out of the dating world or just away from women...but I needed to do that in order for me to know that I could take care of myself emotionally and I wasn't dependent on women, which is what a few women in the past at the time claimed I couldn't live without...but I did, i proved it to myself and shut them up...and the funny thing is, I know they're not strong enough to ever do what I did, as critical as they were from me it was probably to cover up their own insecurities.

 

Anyway, if you're happy with yourself and your life, that's the goal...there is no beaming light the shines from the sky, there's no ringing bells to signal your achievement...it just happens and then you're there, and then you shift according to how you feel inside and according to what you feel you need.

 

There's obviously something that's keeping your from getting out there, and my suspicions are that it may have something to do with fear and insecurity.

[thefooloftheyear]

I know a fair amount of people that lead successful and from what I can gather, relatively happy lives...being alone and without a mate..

 

All of them, with the exception of my mother, are male...

 

Its entirely possible...depends on the person..

 

TFY

[SammySammy]

I do agree, that's something that I've learnt fairly recently.

 

So if that is the case why do people join dating sites, go to speed dating etc? Surely because they feel they would be happier when they're with someone?

 

People date because they enjoy companionship. Enjoy sex. Seek to share experiences with other people.

 

What they are seeking is the shared experiences. If they feel happiness, that happiness is an internally derived response to the experience. Not the experience itself.

 

For example, a person could have a lousy date and lousy sex with someone and still be happy. Another person could have the SAME lousy date and lousy sex with the SAME person and be completely miserable. What's the difference? The experiences are essentially the same. The difference is how each person decides to feel about it.

[carhill]

 

Do you need a partner to reach 100% happiness?

I have no idea what 100% happiness is. If I get up in the morning and feel positive about my life and the day to come, that's happy to me. It was that way for the 20-something years I was single, that way when I was married, that way now. I see little difference, relevant to relationships.

Without love in my life I feel that although things are going great for me at the moment, I've got no one to share it with, and that's what I'm looking for.

Sure, it's nice to share, since love and happiness are renewable resources. The examination would be why not sharing with a particular person causes one to be less happy or not happy. Why unfulfilled want lessens happiness.

 

What I'm saying is, am I desperate/wrong in thinking like this?

IMO, examining one's life and perspectives isn't desperate nor wrong. It's seeking answers.

I imagine most single people must feel like this?

I have no idea. Can't read people's minds and life is too short to figure it out for anyone but myself. How's today looking? I go with that. Tomorrow will figure itself out and I'll deal with it then. Other people do what they do.

 

Can people be fully satisfied in being single?

 

With my current attitude will all romantic liaisons be doomed to failure?

 

Or am completely normal in feeling this way?

 

I'm not desperate to be with just anybody, I've had plenty of offers lately, I'm holding out for my soulmate...yes I believe in that sort of thing....shoot me

 

Ha, I never get offers and gave up on that soulmate stuff after my marriage.

[Toodaloo]

There will always be something... Bigger house, nicer car, chocolate that you couldn't get at the shop, to be a bit skinnier or fatter, hair colour... the list is endless.

 

I am single and while I have my fair share of "down" days where I feel glum I am actually much happier than I have been for many years.

 

I define my happiness by how I feel when I wake up and go to sleep, how easy is it for me to motivate myself.

 

I am not going to lie. I do miss the companionship and I do miss sex terribly. I admit that I do not want to be on my own.

 

But I am its not a great big deal. I am grateful for what I have and the life I lead. I am happy.

 

So is it possible? Yes. You just have to change your definition of what "makes" you happy.

[No Limit]

If someone ever approached me and said "I expect you to make and keep me happy all my life" I'd run for the hills. I know people don't lie responsibility these days or thinking critically about themselves, but I'm not going to take the responsibility of another adult. I don't have the time for big babies.

[jen1447]

My entirely subjective (but nonetheless logical, I think) opinion - happiness is meant to be shared. People are inherently social beings, so we're pre-wired to seek the companionship of others and are fulfilled by that companionship.

 

I think there are very few genuinely and contentedly solitary people. It's a matter of degree of course - people can be okay alone, I think, but the pinnacle of human satisfaction is reached with another person (or more, haha) by your side. It's bscly just biology.

[Woggle]

There is no such as a life without sad or down times and that is true whether you are single partnered. There will always be bumps along the road but happiness is what you make it.

[SammySammy]

My entirely subjective (but nonetheless logical, I think) opinion - happiness is meant to be shared. People are inherently social beings, so we're pre-wired to seek the companionship of others and are fulfilled by that companionship.

 

I think there are very few genuinely and contentedly solitary people. It's a matter of degree of course - people can be okay alone, I think, but the pinnacle of human satisfaction is reached with another person (or more, haha) by your side. It's bscly just biology.

 

Wow.

 

I enjoy the company of others, but I am totally happy and content alone. I believe everybody has the ability to do both.

[SammySammy]

If someone ever approached me and said "I expect you to make and keep me happy all my life" I'd run for the hills. I know people don't lie responsibility these days or thinking critically about themselves, but I'm not going to take the responsibility of another adult. I don't have the time for big babies.

 

Right.

 

"You're responsible for my happiness or unhappiness." It's a ridiculous concept.

[jen1447]

Wow.

 

I enjoy the company of others, but I am totally happy and content alone. I believe everybody has the ability to do both.

 

Then maybe you're one of the imo very few. Have you ever had a serious romantic relationship?

[SammySammy]

Then maybe you're one of the imo very few. Have you ever had a serious romantic relationship?

 

This is interesting. Why would being happy and content alone make you assume that I've never had a serious romantic relationship? (I've had several.)

 

Also, can you explain why only very few people can be happy alone?

[jen1447]

This is interesting. Why would being happy and content alone make you assume that I've never had a serious romantic relationship? (I've had several.)

 

Also, can you explain why only very few people can be happy alone?

 

Why do you assume I assumed? I just asked.

 

I don't really want to debate you MKD, the OP just asked for opinions and I gave mine.

[sandylee1]

Not everyone can be happy single, but you do need most satisfaction to come from yourself.

 

I always wanted to get married, so if didn't find someone to fall in love with like my H, I wouldn't be totally fulfilled. I also wanted to have children, which I didn't fancy doing any other way than being married.

 

I know a fair few single women and they ALL want a guy as a life partner. A couple of them have great careers and everything else.

[misspond]

Chasing happiness is like chasing orgasms. You need to be responsible for your own, but it's so much nicer to share.

[gaius]

You can be happy by yourself, but it's kind of like living with a very bad vitamin deficiency if you don't have someone. You can't acheive the level of life you can while with the right person.

[Got it]

I agree with Carhill, not sure what 100% happiness would even look like.

 

I am definitely a happy person and am glass half full but can't say I am 100% happy as that means content to me and I am far too much of Type A to be content.

 

But I enjoy my alone time and am not afraid of being alone. I see pros and cons with both and definitely enjoyed my single time. The not needing to be accountable to someone can be very pleasant.

 

I know a number of women, who have older kids, that have little need for a relationship now. While some adult companionship would be nice, they have their lives, finances, and interested figured out that trying to fit a man into it just seems to hard. So while they have moments of wanting a relationship, big picture they do not want to compromise at all to actually fit one in.

[sandylee1]

Often people think being in a relationship will make them happy. Then , when they are in one, they find it can have problems of its own.

 

When I've said this to some single friends to make them feel a little better, they just say 'let me have those problems'

 

If I say the kids are playing up, again they want kids and it saddens them even more. So I don't say it.

 

I don't believe there is 100% happiness. Even the partnered rich and famous have problems.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If by single you mean not in a relationship, but still dating and what not then I can understand that can be fulfilling to an extent...even very much so.

 

However, if you're saying being single is complete happiness (I mean, this is earth with human beings, not exactly paradise) and being simply without the opposite sex makes you entirely content and happy...that's just kind of weird in my book.

 

I think you can condition yourself to do nearly anything, as humans we are survivors and can cope with some pretty insane situations. Look at people who are imprisoned for life or POW in a war situation...there can't be a whole lot of happiness and fulfillment going on there and they will never have or experience many of things we take for granted, but you can do it if needed.

 

For myself, I wouldn't want to sacrifice the very human, romantic and affectionate being that I am in order to try and completely isolate myself and become entirely dependent on myself...I think that is an avoidance tactic of actually being hurt, or a fear of sharing love and opening yourself, that is an extreme.

 

It's one thing to find yourself and do some soul-searching, it's another thing entirely to disconnect yourself from the romantic/physical world of being with someone else.

 

I cannot understand how you would be happy without that emotional and physical comfort, unless you've just never had it before in a relationship. For myself, an emotional comfort and support can be so healing...among just the physicality and pleasure and release you receive from being with someone whom you connect with.

 

I know from speaking with people often about relationships, even two women today from two entirely different cultures, that expectations and norms can be very different and come hand n hand within that community...at times, the tolerance level or state of the relationship can be quite dissatisfying, however that can be almost acceptable or you are forced to accept it as part of the cultural influence.

 

But as long as you are able to make a choice, I don't see why you wouldn't just find someone who is willing to share happiness with you...there are so many positive feelings derived only from being with someone else.

 

I think life is about balance...for myself, that's the whole key. I never wanted to be just an intellectual who primarily uses their brain but with none of that physical masculinity of strength, or just an athlete or meat-head whom just feels that everything can be forced with brawn, when nine times out of ten there's a better and smarter way of doing things ...sensitive and emotional but wise and composed, independent and self-sufficient but not a hermit who dwells alone because he cannot be bothered that someone else will come into his life and "ruin" their incessant desire to have everything under "control".

 

The whole point of life is to actually live it and experience it, and you don't get what you get out of it but cutting off one side of it completely. Sometimes for me that requires radical change in my life....completely shifting around the world, or my world to give me a different perspective. Sure, you can go through life hiding out in a corner, attempting to keep it all under control and managed...but eventually something is going to come out and pull the rug from you anyway, because life is too unpredictable to stay in one state for very long...things will always change eventually.

 

So I think you're doing yourself a disservice, if you feel "happiness" is achieved merely on your own...you're thinking within a box of a box, and the experiences you are keeping yourself from and simply experiences you don't have the pleasure of experiencing, and I suppose to some extent that is the idea for some people...but your bubble is going to eventually be burst.

 

Anyway, to be honest I don't take people seriously that say they are trying to be single and completely happy...that'll all change once someone "special" comes into their lives, and then you'll be just like you claimed you never would be or needed to.

[Heracles]

There is nothing wrong in wanting to be loved and having a partner to share your life experiences with but believing in soul-mates and holding out for them, is in my opinion a recipe for disaster. What happen when the person you thought was your soul-mate turns out not to be? What do you do? Look for another soul-mate?

 

You can have good an enriching relationships where both of you grow together and build something for yourselves. Whether or not you stay together, you come out of it as better man and woman; they add to your life and you add to theirs.

 

Anyways, that is my point of view

[Eggplant]

100% happiness isn't a thing.