lost6 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Hi everyone, just wanted to share a what's happened to me recently. I'm not really looking for answers but perhaps some perspective and thoughts would be nice. I guess it's also a therapeutic exercise to let my poor family and friends (who have been amazing ears to my endless stream of verbal clutter) take a break from me rambling to them It's been 4 weeks since I've broken up with my partner of 6 years and fiancé of 1.5 only just prior to the wedding and whilst I have healed during this time some days it still hurts like hell. The relationship I guess the relationship started well before we started dating. We both met at uni and were in different social groups but always got along well throughout the years. She wasn't a romantic interest at first but someone I considered a great friend. Closer to the end of uni I had noticed she had become interested in me. She began complementing me, hinting that we should go out together to fun events. I hadn't seen her in this light before so I was quite surprised. Slowly but surely I began to open up to the idea of us being together, we became best friends and of course eventually fell in love. She was my first girlfriend. Our relationship has always been what I thought to be yin and yang. She was the organised stressball and I was the more relaxed (albeit admittedly disorganised and forgetful) one to bring her back to equilibrium. Make no mistake though, these are my personality traits and I was a committed, hard working and loyal partner. I felt that these traits worked in harmony; She has a penchant for one incident to snowball into quite depressive thoughts and I would bring perspective and calm to the situation. Meanwhile my lack of initiative was kickstarted by her drive and motivation. The first couple of years ran by quickly and beautifully, we would be able to open to each other emotionally and we felt safe in each other's company and that's what made me fall deeply in love with her. I knew she had no interest in children but opened up to the idea because she knew how much it meant to me and that made me love her even more. Once we graduated I moved away from the big city to a smaller town about 3 hours away. However I returned every weekend to see her and we talked every night . I thought that our relationship was so strong that it could withstand the distance. The next couple of years were tougher. Without divulging too many details what happened was she had begun to lose her attraction (physically) to me and was very confused at this point. She still believed that I was her soul mate however and even though it put me through hell to stay in the relationship that statement was enough to give me strength even though that put me through 5 weeks of pain. I knew she was getting disgruntled at the distance causing limited contact however and by the end of our 3rd year together she felt I wasn't taking enough responsibility in the relationship and not seeing her enough and we broke up for one week. It was at that stage that I decided to move back to the big city for our relationships sake and i quit my job and found a new one closer to home. The rest of the year went by smoothly until she had a fight with her parents and begun to spiral into anxiety attacks and depressive thoughts. At this point she had lost confidence in herself and pretty much everyone else and relied on me to get by most days. This lasted close to 2 months and as I saw improvements in her relationships with others and became the person I knew she was I became relieved. After what had happened before I was quite ecstatic that she had begun to ask me when we were going to get married again. Proposal and cracks during the engagement Close to the end of the year things began to take shape; we purchased a house together and I proposed to her. The moment I got down on one knee hadn't seen her happier and that had made it the happiest day of my life to date. Now prior this point she had made it known that she wasn't keen on a wedding but I have always been a romantic at heart and insisted that we do the big dance. I profess to having a close relationship with my parents and unfortunately I think it's been a point of contention with my ex for a long time as she is not as close with hers. Life was going great until about 8 months ago when my father became ill. As a consequence my mother began to develop anxiety attacks from the stress of the situation. He was hospitalised for 2 months and unfortunately since then I made a conscious effort to spend more time at home before I was to be married and move out. Part of this was the care I needed to give, the extra responsibility I had around the house and some days I selfishly needed some time to myself to unwind from the situation. This meant that I was only able to see my fiancé once a week most weeks. She was amazing at first saying that she understood the situation and couldn't ask me to come out more often but eventually she also expressed that she wasn't happy and this couldn't keep happening after the wedding which I assured her wouldn't be an issue. During this time I see in hindsight that the level of communication about where we stood was unfortunately lacking. During pre marital counselling no issues were raised on her part even when prompted. I did have my concerns about how how distant she was sometimes during the last couple of months and a week before she called it off I asked her if she was commited to the marriage and she assured me that she was getting married to an amazing person and couldn't wait to get life started with me. The breakup Finally the straw the broke the camels back was when we were given the keys to our house (off the plan) one month before the wedding. We were both excited and happy. She was still (on the surface) excited at this point while we were preparing our first dance and started talking about which rooms would house kids and such. We had piles of stuff to move into the new house and everything started well, I spent a couple of days of my days off cleaning the place top to bottom and we had begun to get tradies in the prep the place for living. During this period we often handled things separately (due to work schedules) and on days that I wasn't there due to work there were comments by her folks along the lines of "why isn't he here? This is his responsibility?". This was in line with a lot of comments in the past suggesting I wasn't pulling my weight and wasn't very responsible. Unfortunately during a heavy storm it was noticed that there was a leak in the apartment and we had to contact the builders to fix it. They were less than accommodating and often cancelled appointments and called us to come in when we weren't available (ie at work). She had begun to feel that I wasn't taking the situation seriously when she felt she had to remind me to check on the house for leaks on rainy days (which I did) and that i didn't leave work immediately to attend to the situation. It had come down to her treating the situation as an emergency and me regarding it as a fixable problem (which I guess unbeknownst to me at the time was a microcosm of how we individually viewed our relationship). On one particular day they called her and her parents in whilst I was at work to inspect the house. She began to worry when the leak was implied (now known to be untrue) was worse than it looked and when she realised I wasn't there she began to question my responsibility to her and our future together. She told me that night, 2 weeks out from the wedding, that she no longer trusted me, couldn't see a future with someone who took no responsibility and could not marry me anymore. She felt that I wasn't responsible enough to take care of a family and I stopped caring in the past few months. This cut on many levels as my dream in life is to raise a family and I know without a doubt that what she said was not true. We decided to reflect on whether we wanted to proceed with our relationship. Aftermath I thought long and hard and weighed up my immense love for her against the situation. I'm a foolish romantic and have held feelings that unless my partner cheats, is abusive or unhealthy in a relationship that I would stick with them through thick and thin, work out the issues and remain loyal with them to the end. It's why I held on when she put me though the toughest moments of our lives together. I wholly admit my flaws and my mistakes in the relationship and there were many of course, but for the first time in the relationship I felt that she wasn't going to be there through the hard and sometimes unloveable times that life will bring us and that made me realise that I couldn't live like that. We both felt that there was so much damage done from the event that it was best we parted ways. We've been mostly NC bar important messages regarding how to split the costs of the wedding and house. She initially wanted to stay friends but I knew there was no way I could stay on friendly terms without my heart feeling like it's been repeatedly crushed. I've gotten back into sports that I loved when I was younger and spent a lot of time with caring friends and family. Some days are great and positive and others spiral into depressive thoughts. I know time will heal all but I guess it just hurts so damn much now when the only thing I want in this world is to have the life I envisaged just 4 weeks ago.
Ruby65 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Hi and welcome. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. You've done the right thing by refusing to be just friends.... that really only delays your healing. Be sure to avoid any communication unless it's absolutely necessary. It sounds to me like she was just looking for an excuse to break things off. Please don't blame yourself for being "too irresponsible," that just sounds like nonsense. You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure that when you've gotten over this heartbreak, you'll find someone who deserves you! 2
Chi townD Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Sounds like she got cold feet and looked for ANY excuse to end it. I mean, my wife can't trust me to mow the lawn every week, but that's hardly a reason for ending our marriage. 4
ZiggyZoo Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Sooooo, she said you weren't responsible enough to take care of a family? When the very reason your availability had been diminished was BECAUSE you were taking care of your family? I agree with the others, there was something else going on with her, quite likely unrelated to you at all. Please don't blame yourself, whatever you do. Her reasons for ending it are hers, and don't have anything to do with you. 1
coryreply Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine getting that close to your wedding and then having it called off. Her reasons for ending the relationship are very odd to me. Planning a wedding and preparing for life together can be very stressful. I could see someone you would describe as a "stressball" feeling overwhelmed by it all. Often times when ppl are overwhelmed, they don't make rational or good decisions. What do you think the chances are of her reaching back out to you? 1
Author lost6 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 Hi Everyone, Firstly I'd like to thank all of you who read the whole thread and posted. I appreciate every kind word. It sounds to me like she was just looking for an excuse to break things off. Please don't blame yourself for being "too irresponsible," that just sounds like nonsense. Sounds like she got cold feet and looked for ANY excuse to end it. Sooooo, she said you weren't responsible enough to take care of a family? When the very reason your availability had been diminished was BECAUSE you were taking care of your family? I agree with the others, there was something else going on with her, quite likely unrelated to you at all. Please don't blame yourself, whatever you do. Her reasons for ending it are hers, and don't have anything to do with you. Having thought through the relationship long and hard and discussing it with mutual friends it's given me perspective on the situation that does allow me to see it from both points of view. The lack of time together has bugged her for a long time and she has been great at accepting and working with it in the past. I guess the initial time we broke up (albeit very shortly) was for similar reasons and it should have driven me to be more proactive. The last 6 months have been draining with dads illness and whilst I felt that she should have been more compassionate I do really regret taking her presence and support for granted and should have made a greater effort to be with her during these critical months before our wedding. I have a feeling that this (moreso than the house) was really the reason for the distrust. I understand that for me to heal I need to be able to forgive myself for the emotional neglect. On the other side of the coin I also feel that what happened was that while I wasn't there she had begun to distract herself with other activities and friends. During this time the idea of calling off the engagement was on her mind but each time she decided against it. Unbeknownst to me she had forgiven me during this period (without my knowledge) and felt that each time she was contributing greatly to holding the relationship together. By the time the issues with the house cropped up it had become a huge deal deal to her and simply a small issue for me (hence why I said it became i microcosm of how we viewed our relationship). However, I can't say I regret how I dealt with the situation with the house without her communicating her needs with me as I addressed the situation and made decisions to the best of my abilities. I guess the issues of responsibility come into question and whilst I've given just a snippet of information about the relationship I do admit that I have a very disorganised approach to life compared to her. She felt that since she had to remind me to do things for the wedding (which I did do a significant amount of planning for) and the house that it reflected on my lack of initiative and forethought. There were also issues with forgetfulness in checking things that she had reminded me to do. Her reasons for ending the relationship are very odd to me. Planning a wedding and preparing for life together can be very stressful. I could see someone you would describe as a "stressball" feeling overwhelmed by it all. Often times when ppl are overwhelmed, they don't make rational or good decisions. What do you think the chances are of her reaching back out to you? Yeah the timing of the situation made it all that much tougher as it became a very public affair. I feel that any other time we could have taken a step back, reevaluated and worked it out as we had done the first time we split. As it panned out we made a lot of decisions under pressure. At first I thought that the combination of the wedding, faulty house and work had stressed her out to the point of breaking. But we've had a few weeks apart now and we had made the mutual decision that the way it played out had caused too much scarring. I played a significant role in that decision by forcing her to see my point of view which I believe had driven a wedge between us when I think she was quite ready to give it another go. Given how proud she is I don't think she will be reaching out and telling me that she had made a mistake.
oldshirt Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I know this has to hurt and it sucks big time, but the truth is she didn't want to marry you and have a home and family with you. Like others have said, she was grasping at ANY excuse to bail out. In the big scheme of things, she did the right thing. She should have bailed a long time ago before things got this far of course, but she was going to bail you sooner or later and it's always better sooner. It would have sucked 10,000 times worse after you were married and had kids and then have her hit the road. 1
Author lost6 Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 I know this has to hurt and it sucks big time, but the truth is she didn't want to marry you and have a home and family with you. Like others have said, she was grasping at ANY excuse to bail out. In the big scheme of things, she did the right thing. She should have bailed a long time ago before things got this far of course, but she was going to bail you sooner or later and it's always better sooner. It would have sucked 10,000 times worse after you were married and had kids and then have her hit the road. Yeah it's true, she had mentioned after the breakup that a couple months back she decided she didn't want to have kids with me anymore again because she didn't trust me. I think it hurts from the point of view that she was the one who pushed for the engagement (asking me to put a ring on it) and marriage so hard in the past and thats what gave me confidence that she was ready for that next step together. What I found hard to swallow was that she feels that I took her presence for granted (when I didn't prioritize her) and that I caused her to lose her trust and confidence which is why it all broke down. She's always had trust issues from the start of our relationship from her previous BF and I willingly and happily broke down her barriers. As I said she's been amazing at understanding in the past, Given the circumstances was it naive of me to expect her to be patient throughout these rough 6 months? I know it took a lot of courage for her to make this decision and it is much better now than when we're married or have kids, it's why I felt that we couldn't persue it any longer as the future will pose much tougher challenges and I didn't want this all to repeat itself, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell though.
Meli22 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 lost6, I'm sorry to hear about your story. I don't understand how she considered you untrustworthy because you had bigger priorities than seeing a leak as an emergency. What about her losing attraction to you? Did you lose trust in her? Has she considered how reliable you were when you stuck by her whilst she was doubting her attraction to you? Maybe it does boil down to compatibility - you mentioned earlier and you being slightly more laidback than she is. Who knows. I think her excuses are poor and unreasonable. Maybe she got cold feet or was overwhelmed somehow, you said she suffered from anxiety and sometimes people with anxiety magnify problems and make them out to be bigger than they are. My ex suffered with anxiety and sometimes the smallest issues were HUGE to him, it puts a lot of pressure on relationships. Also, some anxiety sufferers have the tendency to self sabotage relationships (subconsciously). You have done the right thing in regards of taking time away to see clearly, and I'm glad you aren't taking full responsibility for this because it sounds like you did everything to make this work. You moved and quit your job! That to me shows how committed you were so be proud. Keep going and realise that you're going to be ok no matter what the outcome 1
Author lost6 Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 lost6, I'm sorry to hear about your story. I don't understand how she considered you untrustworthy because you had bigger priorities than seeing a leak as an emergency. What about her losing attraction to you? Did you lose trust in her? Has she considered how reliable you were when you stuck by her whilst she was doubting her attraction to you? Maybe it does boil down to compatibility - you mentioned earlier and you being slightly more laidback than she is. Who knows. I think her excuses are poor and unreasonable. Maybe she got cold feet or was overwhelmed somehow, you said she suffered from anxiety and sometimes people with anxiety magnify problems and make them out to be bigger than they are. My ex suffered with anxiety and sometimes the smallest issues were HUGE to him, it puts a lot of pressure on relationships. Also, some anxiety sufferers have the tendency to self sabotage relationships (subconsciously). You have done the right thing in regards of taking time away to see clearly, and I'm glad you aren't taking full responsibility for this because it sounds like you did everything to make this work. You moved and quit your job! That to me shows how committed you were so be proud. Thank you for your kind and reassuring words, that goes for everyone. I never lost trust in her until this happened and it's why I feel we've gotten this far. I did have some dark days when she lost her attraction to me and when she withdrew from everybody during her anxiety attacks but never once did I question what I felt at the time was true and that's we were meant to be together. I fought for it then and I didn't give up even when we split up for a short period. When I tried to remind her of these things but all I got was that whatever has happened in the past doesn't make out relationship foolproof and it's doesnt mean I should have stopped caring in the past few months (which I never did for one second) She has recovered from her anxiety attacks and is much more confident nowadays which makes me wonder if her love in the relationship was based more on an emotional attachment to who I represented than a real love for who I am. She's told me in the past I was her soul mate, the only reason for living and the only person she could trust but I think this was a perception clouded by infatuation in the moment. It's hard to accept but it may be true since I feel real love (as opposed to emotional dependency) means you're willing to stick through the hard times, when the relationship looks foggy and you see the person at their least lovable (mind you any cheating or abuse should never be tolerated) and be able to say that you still believe they're the one for you.
Meli22 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Actually sounds similar to what I went through (me being in your shoes). Sometimes people don't realise what they have, and take that for granted. Your ex is complaining that you didn't care enough when really it sounds like it was the opposite. I'm glad you're smart enough to recognise the above things you mentioned.
Author lost6 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 Actually sounds similar to what I went through (me being in your shoes). Sometimes people don't realise what they have, and take that for granted. Your ex is complaining that you didn't care enough when really it sounds like it was the opposite. I'm glad you're smart enough to recognise the above things you mentioned. It's true that I did care a lot. I guess in hindsight I feel like I didn't appreciate how much acceptance she gave to our lack of time together in the past and I did take that for granted. It's bothering me much more today than the last couple of days really.
Author lost6 Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 Hi guys, A little update on where my head is at. When I last posted I mentioned that I was doing it quite rough that day and I again shuffled to thoughts about apologising to her and asking her to see if she would want to give it another chance (stupid of course but lovesick brains do stupid things). Luckily I calmed down a bit, realised how dumb it was and was relieved I didn't go that path. and over the past 3 days I've actually been much more positive. Needing less support to get by every day and I can feel some stirring of enthusiasm for life again. One thing that bugs me is something she said (and she has said previously) and that's that I wasn't being a man enough (as opposed to a boy) and that I needed to grow up. Keep in mind this is a girl who loved equality and wouldn't have a bar of it if I forced her to do something "too girly". I understand that I should take charge in important matters and I indeed tried to whenever necessary (buying the house, talking to and organising things with wedding suppliers and lawyers) and whenever I knew she was uncomfortable doing something but I'm a pretty passive person and making and forcing decisions on someone and taking initiative isn't in my nature. I think this played heavily on her mind when she saw I wasn't going to leave work during the unfortunate leak and I had left her to make decisions she wasn't comfortable with (ie talking to senseless builders and tradies). For someone who pushed me to marry her (and accepted the ring from the disorganised, occasionally lazy and passive person who got down on one knee to ask for her hand in marriage) was it fair for her to expect me to do things that she knew weren't in my nature?
Kateuk Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Great response and feedback on here, making me feel confident to post my story and get feedback
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