bellechellll Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Before you read this, please realize all humans judge, and have a shadow (dark) side. Instead of getting angry or thinking I'm a bitch, please read my post with an open heart and appreciation for my complete honesty. Here goes.. I have been very close to David for a year - he is a wonderful human being. We did everything together, and I knew his family well. I was however never attracted to him. I remember looking at photos I took of him, thinking how unattractive he was. I remember we used to sleep in the same bed and I would be physically repulsed at the thought of touching him in that way. But that of course did not matter to me as he was one of my closest friends, and I loved him. Eventually the boundaries crossed when we were drunk one evening, and that sexual encounter turned into more. At this point, when I made my decision to give us a shot, I truly believed I was doing the right thing by being with such a beautiful human. I thought it was shallow of me to not be with him based on looks, and told myself that I need to get over it. I truly thought I was being a good person by doing this. Almost self-sacrifice. We wound up dating. For a month I was able to focus on just us (vs the physical aspects that repulsed me about him) and I felt like we were in a fairy tale. I thought, this is it. Then after a month all the physical qualities that repulsed me came back with a vengeance, and eventually it felt like we were two negative charges on a battery, me literally being repelled by him. I tried to ignore it, I told my thoughts to shut up.. but they just kept creeping in to my consciousness. Images of body parts would pop into my head and would make me feel ill. I would be with him and see his toes which also made me feel ill. This man is literally one of the most (FOR ME) unattractive men I could have been with. It got to the point where now I am forced to leave him. I feel horrible, but surely this isn't going to work. Surely my "good intentions" aren't going to cut it. I have a lot of guilt over this situation. On the other side of the story, he is partially to blame because I told him from the beginning to stay away from me, that I would hurt him. I also told him that I was not attracted to him. I found out later from a mutual friend that he was 'trying to get me' for 6 months. I felt very betrayed and manipulated by this, because he always told me he would never date me. Thoughts?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Sounds like a classic nice guy who waited around long enough to get with you. You're not a terrible person for not wanting him because you're not attracted to him. Sexual attraction is possibly the most important aspect of any new relationship. All the other stuff comes later. Although it sounds like you both led each other on so I don't think anyone in particular is to blame. 1
markleymassraff Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Yes you need to be physically attracted. Doesn't matter how great they are otherwise; if you don't want to f*ck them, game over. I've been hanging out with a guy friend for the past month and a half. We've been bonding over a certain hobby/interest we both have, and I think he's smart and interesting to talk to, though I don't agree with 3/4 of his socio-political stances. Anyway, he wants to sleep with me. There's no way I will sleep with him though. I'm just not attracted to him. I don't think I could get excited or have fun trying to do sexual things with him. Ugh. I wouldn't even try to make myself want to have sex with someone if they're just not attractive to me. For me to want to be with someone, I need to want to rip their clothes off. Anyway, for your situation, I wouldn't feel the slightest bit bad about what's going on. Sexual attraction is compulsory. 2
mightycpa Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 And that bar is pretty frickin low:lmao: well, there goes the enigma part. 1
LittleGypsy Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Before you read this, please realize all humans judge, and have a shadow (dark) side. Instead of getting angry or thinking I'm a bitch, please read my post with an open heart and appreciation for my complete honesty. Here goes.. I have been very close to David for a year - he is a wonderful human being. We did everything together, and I knew his family well. I was however never attracted to him. I remember looking at photos I took of him, thinking how unattractive he was. I remember we used to sleep in the same bed and I would be physically repulsed at the thought of touching him in that way. But that of course did not matter to me as he was one of my closest friends, and I loved him. Eventually the boundaries crossed when we were drunk one evening, and that sexual encounter turned into more. At this point, when I made my decision to give us a shot, I truly believed I was doing the right thing by being with such a beautiful human. I thought it was shallow of me to not be with him based on looks, and told myself that I need to get over it. I truly thought I was being a good person by doing this. Almost self-sacrifice. We wound up dating. For a month I was able to focus on just us (vs the physical aspects that repulsed me about him) and I felt like we were in a fairy tale. I thought, this is it. Then after a month all the physical qualities that repulsed me came back with a vengeance, and eventually it felt like we were two negative charges on a battery, me literally being repelled by him. I tried to ignore it, I told my thoughts to shut up.. but they just kept creeping in to my consciousness. Images of body parts would pop into my head and would make me feel ill. I would be with him and see his toes which also made me feel ill. This man is literally one of the most (FOR ME) unattractive men I could have been with. It got to the point where now I am forced to leave him. I feel horrible, but surely this isn't going to work. Surely my "good intentions" aren't going to cut it. I have a lot of guilt over this situation. On the other side of the story, he is partially to blame because I told him from the beginning to stay away from me, that I would hurt him. I also told him that I was not attracted to him. I found out later from a mutual friend that he was 'trying to get me' for 6 months. I felt very betrayed and manipulated by this, because he always told me he would never date me. Thoughts? Bellechelle - no you are not a b8tch because you are not attracted to someone. But it is tough where there are so many losers out there and you have a great guy who is keen on you but something beyond your control is not there. Sometimes it can grow - it's happened for me. But obviously it's been long enough now to see that it isn't happening for you. I'm in the same situation which is almost worse - a really nice, but good looking guy has been keen on me since November last year but I go home feeling sick and repulsed and full of anxiety and I can barely sleep sometimes. Listen to yourself. You can't close your eyes and go living like this. When you are with a guy you are physically attracted to you will be so glad you didn't 'settle'. BUT - also is there anything you can suggest that would help with his looks?! 2
ZA Dater Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Yes you need to be physically attracted. Doesn't matter how great they are otherwise; if you don't want to f*ck them, game over. I wouldn't even try to make myself want to have sex with someone if they're just not attractive to me. Sexual attraction is compulsory. Very interesting viewpoint, do you ever believe that that sort attraction could build over time based on a persons personality?
neowulf Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I spent almost 2 years trying to "Fix" a lack of attraction and sexual interest with my ex. Her and I got on so well, were so compatible in so many ways, I was *determined* to figure out what my issue was. Turns out in the end, physical chemistry is physical chemistry. The girl I'm currently seeing isn't as objectively attractive as my ex, but our sexual chemistry just *works*. Everything just happens like it should, no effort required. You tried. You gave it a shot. Deciding the relationship isn't right for you doesn't make you a bad person. Leading him on once you've come to that conclusion does... 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I don't think it's majorly important. Looks fade over time. Being single for a really, really long time I actually found to be very difficult and at the end of the day, I found someone that liked me and was kind to me and was considerate of me. He still make mistakes. He made a huge mistake about a week ago that saw us even ending things, but he's quick to apologize because of his commitment to see us grow together. Chemistry/attraction is not all that is cracked up to be. I would choose compatibility over attraction. 2
SawtoothMars Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Thoughts? What the hell are you doing? There is a difference between not being attracted and being actively repulsed! I've dated women I felt were not that attractive, but had lots of other stuff going on. However, I'm not stupid enough to try and date someone who is REPULSIVE TO ME!!!! Example... a woman 50 lbs overweight could be in my range. A woman 300lbs overweight is repulsive. You don't need an advance degree in rocket science to figure this out. 2
markleymassraff Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Very interesting viewpoint, do you ever believe that that sort attraction could build over time based on a persons personality? I think it's possible for physical attraction to build over time if the person is "kinda" attractive to you physically but not fully, but their personality / goodness / the connection you have...puts the person over the top. But if they are repulsive to you in a number of ways, it seems to me that no amount of great things about their personality/ attitude / mind....can change that they're not attractive to you. I mentioned a guy friend I've been hanging out with. He is overweight, much shorter than I prefer, and has a chubby face that I don't find attractive. On NO levels do I find him physically attractive. Sex with him will simply never happen. 1
Haydn Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Attraction is crucial when you first meet.... However attraction does grow for some. (Including me) My Girl get`s more and more attractive for me.... And i like to think i do for her as well....(I do:love:) 2
Guitarisgood Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Nothing wrong with that. It's one of the reasons why I'm still single despite a lot of female attention. I'm after the complete package and I've got plenty time to it and other focuses to keep me busy. Drop him nicely and tell him it was well played impressively in chasing you and getting you but at the end of the day it's YOU not him. 1
Natalie8 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Are you asking if attraction is required for a succesful relationship? Of course it is...for me at least, but i imagine it is the same for most people. You already know this otherwise you wouldnt be thinking about leaving him. So what are you really asking? I wouldnt want to be with someone who finds me repulsing. So i think you should let him go to find someone who is attracted to him. And you should find someone who you are attracted to. I dont think you are a bitch but i feel sorry for the guy. 1
SummerDreams Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Well it's one thing to not find someone attractive and a totally different thing to be repulsed by him. I have had boyfriends that were not exactly male models but I never thought of them as repulsive and the ugliest people on earth. I get that you find it unfair that such a wonderful man is so ugly for your eyes, but this is it and you can't change it. Do him the favor to set him free so he finds a woman who won't notice, or even will like, his bad looks.
ZA Dater Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I think it's possible for physical attraction to build over time if the person is "kinda" attractive to you physically but not fully, but their personality / goodness / the connection you have...puts the person over the top. But if they are repulsive to you in a number of ways, it seems to me that no amount of great things about their personality/ attitude / mind....can change that they're not attractive to you. I mentioned a guy friend I've been hanging out with. He is overweight, much shorter than I prefer, and has a chubby face that I don't find attractive. On NO levels do I find him physically attractive. Sex with him will simply never happen. Its quite hard to think of oneself as repulsive I think. Not sure thinking such thoughts is particularly good for ones self esteem. Of course this topic also touches on attraction, succinctly that's really defined if you would sleep with someone.
jen1447 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 OP, it is what it is - you're not attracted (repulsed? yikes) and that's that. It matters, and it's really no one's fault. Put it this way - it would be very foolish to persist with the delusion that he's ok or you can overcome it at this point. You tried, it ain't happening. Time to acknowledge it all the way around, and don't feel bad about it. 2
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I agree with Jen, OP. But, I have to say...in my entire LIFE, I've never been repulsed by ANY guy that I've dated or have been in a relationship with! That's some serious $hit right there. Break up with this guy, post haste. He deserves to find a woman who WILL find him attractive (even though you're actually revolted by his physical appearance, down to his toes! Good grief). And you should stick to dating, having sex with and entering into relationships with guys who you DO find attractive. Physical attraction and sexual chemistry are VERY important factors when dating, being sexually intimate with and being in a relationship with a man!! Poor guy. He's into you and thinks you're into him because of how long you've been with him so far. Don't put this off any longer! BREAK UP WITH HIM. ASAP .
BluEyeL Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I am usually not instantly attracted to someone, so my relationships mostly started by me having a "I'm not sure how attracted to him I am", but never "I'm actually repulsed" by him. I am on the opinion that compatibility is way way way more important than looks, with the only reservation that if you are actually repulsed than it's a no go.
deadelvis Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 he should consider himself lucky to have even gotten in your pants at all. He was just an "orbiter" who played the "nice guy card" until you were drunk, then he made his move. You fell for his ambush. Next time see what's happening before you fall for this classic trap. He was the one who played you, not the other way around. Repulsive indeed.
Recommended Posts