Too much rescheduling dates from a guy I met 8-10 weeks after his 3 year rel ended.

[LittleGypsy]

Hi all,

 

What do you think - is it too early for this guy to be dating or taking anyone seriously?

 

I met a 39 yr old guy online in early April and my major concern was that his gf of 3 years had moved out end of January. He said it was pretty much over for a year before that but still, it's a major recent lifestyle change and only 2 months prior.

 

Anyway, we got along great and had a lot in common. One date he rescheduled a Thursday night date because he 'forgot he had a farewell' but other than that he seemed like a genuine and reliable guy. Around the 5th date I saw him staring at me constantly with a sparkle in his eye and he said "You're a good sort."

 

However, I started to notice his attention became hot and cold. There was a 6 day gap when he didn't make plans and didn't contact me so I figured he's not interested - but then he popped up and made dinner plans at his place to watch some race he wanted to see. About 6 hours before the dinner date he messaged to tell me he had forgotten about a friend's birthday dinner and wanted to reschedule to the next night after I finish work!

 

I was annoyed because it puts me out and other plans were made elsewhere in the week because I had plans that night - then I find myself sitting at home!

 

I agreed to meet the next night if we could meet halfway. (He lives over an hour away in peak hour traffic) He was fine with that but again, 6 hours before the date, right as I am getting my hair done, I suggested we meet at a restaurant/bar and he suggested we make it another night (!).

 

I told him it's starting to feel like he only wants to see me if I'm staying over - (as he suggests it every time and always plans the dates near his house). He said no, he really enjoys my company, but he's just gotta be up really early and he is 39 now and just out of a 3 yr rel so he is over going out and wants to watch his money because of the mortgage.

 

So I agreed to meet over his way. When I showed up he was happily bottling his home brew beer. He had the day off work and had done all sorts of things so it annoyed me that he couldn't even meet me half way and I had to stress myself out going through 30 min public transport then 1hr 20 min of peak hour traffic to get there after work yet again.

 

BUT we had a great night, it felt nice and comfortable, he said he was glad I ended up coming over. He goes all out when I come over, lots of effort and a really amazing 'host'. However, I noticed there were four place mats on his table. It turns out he had four friends over for dinner the night before (to watch the race) apparently they came over after his friends birthday *drinks*. So he didn't do a b'day dinner as he said he was going to do and it seemed he cancelled on me because he wanted his mates over for the race instead

 

After this date, he went quiet for 6 days again! I was disappointed and over it - I figure he wasn't keen, was becoming too flaky and that it was time to let it go. But then he messaged me. He was very flirty, very enthusiastic, very chatty, making jokes and he organised two dates in one go! One for dinner on Thursday, and then one for hiking the day after!

 

Wow ok.

 

Basically due to the weird shifts this guy does, we can only really hang out during the day on Friday's.

 

Tuesday night he messaged me to confirm that all was okay for dinner on Thursday - but I got a weird bad feeling that he was going to cancel on me. I said yep sure what's the plans?

 

No reply for 24 hours........

 

Then the night before the date, I get a text saying he has just checked his diary and forgot he has a farewell on Thursday night. Sound familiar? He has used this diary/Thursday night farewell excuse before and it's the third time he has shifted our plans because he has 'forgotten' something else!

 

I was really disappointed and angry.

 

I noted there was no mention of the hiking plans so did he 'forget' that too? I waited to see if he would mention the hiking come Friday - nope - no word. Obviously we both had a day off so why wouldn't the hiking plans be happening?

 

By Saturday, I decided to end it. I sent him a rather blunt text outlining that I was disappointed by x,y and z and that I felt his attention was elsewhere and that I was looking for way better than this.

 

Two days later - no reply from him............

 

This guy is just wow. What is going on here - Does he not even care? Is it a pride thing not even acknowledging my txt?

 

Should I have drifted away or called him up to discuss or was my text completely warranted?

Edited June 1, 2015 by LittleGypsy

[madjac74]

You did the right thing. You acted based on how you felt and his lack of response showed how he felt.

 

And what the heck are these "farewell" things he is into? Is he a hitman?

[LittleGypsy]

You did the right thing. You acted based on how you felt and his lack of response showed how he felt.

 

And what the heck are these "farewell" things he is into? Is he a hitman?

 

hahaha I know. I said you either have a lot of farewells on Thursdays, a bad memory or better plans came up.

 

Thanks, bizarro how someone can sound so keen one minute and not give a damn the next.

[madjac74]

Thanks, bizarro how someone can sound so keen one minute and not give a damn the next.

 

That is the joy of dating (especially online). It is all a lesson in what to look for in the next person you meet

[LittleGypsy]

Surprise update - he has finally messaged and its one of the nicest messages Ive ever had in such a circumstance. Wow.

 

I got an explanation as to why he is not ready, lots of amazing compliments, nice apology and wants to be friends and still do that hike.

 

Seems like things could work later on / once Im back from OS. Just needs time I think. We will see how we feel then...

[Methodical]

In your original post, not sure if you meant he said you are a "good sort," or "good sport." Either way, making a comment like that sounds as though he perceives you as "one of the guys," or "someone who might put up with his bullsh*t."

 

He's a manipulative player, and not a very good one because he can't keep his lies straight - kind of like the kid who tries to write his own school note, "please excuse Timmy's absence, his grandma died. Halfway through the school year Timmy has lost 7 grandmas.

 

You sent him a blunt text outlining x, y, and z, stated you deserved better and was done, and few days later he sends you a swooning message and you're feeling hopeful? Surely not! He is playing you yet again and you're contemplating falling for a few sweet words and a bs explanation. You need to rethink this, and go back to that part where you said you deserved better.

[PegNosePete]

I got an explanation as to why he is not ready, lots of amazing compliments, nice apology and wants to be friends and still do that hike.

More likely, he was seeing someone else all along. He cancelled your dates because he got a better offer. Now things are going OK with the other woman, but he wants to keep you in reserve in case they split up.

 

Don't be his backup plan.... he has treated you extremely rudely and disrespectfully. I would ditch him and never look back.

[Redhead14]

Surprise update - he has finally messaged and its one of the nicest messages Ive ever had in such a circumstance. Wow.

 

I got an explanation as to why he is not ready, lots of amazing compliments, nice apology and wants to be friends and still do that hike.

 

Seems like things could work later on / once Im back from OS. Just needs time I think. We will see how we feel then...

 

Seems like things could work later on / once Im back from OS. Just needs time I think. We will see how we feel then... This is an example of how a woman "hears what she wants to hear" but basically knows he's not ready for a relationship and has shown her that in other ways as well.

This is a situation where the "relationship" usually goes south and the woman comes back here to say she's been strung along when in fact, she's strung herself along.

 

Manage your emotions and expectations until he's consistent with communication, dates and otherwise demonstrating sincere interest.

[organizedchaos]

More likely, he was seeing someone else all along. He cancelled your dates because he got a better offer. Now things are going OK with the other woman, but he wants to keep you in reserve in case they split up.

 

Don't be his backup plan.... he has treated you extremely rudely and disrespectfully. I would ditch him and never look back.

 

^This

 

He's in to you or not. Sounds like he's seeing someone else or the ex is back in the picture. Why would you want to be friends and hope something happens down the line? Dump him and move on. It's way too soon for him. And what are "Farewells"?

[Redhead14]

^This

 

He's in to you or not. Sounds like he's seeing someone else or the ex is back in the picture. Why would you want to be friends and hope something happens down the line? Dump him and move on. It's way too soon for him. And what are "Farewells"?

 

And what are "Farewells" -- Farewells are dumping other women that were allowing themselves to be strung along with him after he finds another one or two to fill those voids

[LittleGypsy]

^This

 

He's in to you or not. Sounds like he's seeing someone else or the ex is back in the picture. Why would you want to be friends and hope something happens down the line? Dump him and move on. It's way too soon for him. And what are "Farewells"?

 

Farewell drinks, farewell dinners - usually for someone who is leaving their job or moving overseas....

 

The reasons he gave in the txt are he's been caught up with all that goes with getting a new job, wrapping up his old job, moving into a new job; and mentioned all the work he has to do at home now (seems to be struggling without a second hand in the house) and feels he hasnt put in enough effort with me and thinks he may not be ready to get into a serious relationship but went on to say lots of amazing compliments and still wants to hang out.

 

Ill be away for 6 weeks soon so it might be better to revisit this when I return / he will have settled in to his new life a bit more by then and I will be all tanned, very happy and back to my usual self - and no doubt have other options too.

[Fleur de cactus]

I am telling you that I am enjoying the farewells stories, I cannot help it, It is so funny. I think your guy is either dating other women or his other friends come first and you are the backup plan like others said here. He is not serious with your relationship, and I am sure you sense it, since for each plan you expect him to call 6 hours before to cancel it! He is manipulative. He cannot even call you to explain!! Txt msg are the easy way to tell lies. Anyway keep dating other guys, I am sure he is doing the same. He will be available for you when he does not have any other things to do. The funny part is how he does not see that you are able to find the farewell stories odd! He is a like a kid!! Just keep dating other men, so far he is wasting your time.

[writergal]

LittleGypsy, if you decide to be friends with him what makes you think he'll prioritize his time with you then?

 

I'm thinking that he was multi-dating since you two met online; and he decided to prioritize her over you. In fact, you even caught him in a blatant lie, when you went over to his house after the race night he canceled with you, citing he'd forgotten a friend's birthday he had to go to:

 

However, I noticed there were four place mats on his table. It turns out he had four friends over for dinner the night before (to watch the race) apparently they came over after his friends birthday *drinks*. So he didn't do a b'day dinner as he said he was going to do and it seemed he cancelled on me because he wanted his mates over for the race instead

 

I don't think you were every his priority and he had no business leading you on the way that he did. But luckily you followed your gut and ended things with him, because you know that you deserve better treatment from a man that you're dating.

 

Any man who cancels dates and reschedules dates (that have a 50% chance of being canceled too), and lies about it is not a guy you should waste your time with, even as a friend.

 

Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.

[ashy555]

Well done LittleGypsy!!!

 

I am so happy you ended that!

 

I had something similar happen to me not long ago.. except not as advanced as you guys were. He kept asking me out but avoiding setting the date. I think he and his gf of 3 yrs broke up june last yr so i believe he was most likely emotionally unavailable. So i let go. I left it too long to send him a 'get lost' message. He still messages me every once in a while but i barely take any notice as I am completely bored and over it(and him). If he msgs again i will ignore him completely!

 

I just WISH i could send that message like you did.

 

He sounds like a waste of space and just wants someone who will come to him and sleep with him. You were not his priority at all. The least he could have done was come up with a different excuse. Nobody goes to that many farewells

[LittleGypsy]

I am telling you that I am enjoying the farewells stories, I cannot help it, It is so funny. I think your guy is either dating other women or his other friends come first and you are the backup plan like others said here. He is not serious with your relationship, and I am sure you sense it, since for each plan you expect him to call 6 hours before to cancel it! He is manipulative. He cannot even call you to explain!! Txt msg are the easy way to tell lies. Anyway keep dating other guys, I am sure he is doing the same. He will be available for you when he does not have any other things to do. The funny part is how he does not see that you are able to find the farewell stories odd! He is a like a kid!! Just keep dating other men, so far he is wasting your time.

 

Haha, glad to be providing some amusement. Clearly he's been out of the dating scene for so long and is really struggling with it. Thanks though, will do re: the dating.

 

I still have no idea what to write back - I don't want to ignore it. He has basically said I'm a great person, very attractive, loved our time together and he wants to still hang out and do all the things we would have done had he not screwed up - so what's the freaking problem? Oh yeh ....he "isn't ready to jump into a relationship yet". Zzzzzzzzz

[LittleGypsy]

Well done LittleGypsy!!!

 

I am so happy you ended that!

 

I had something similar happen to me not long ago.. except not as advanced as you guys were. He kept asking me out but avoiding setting the date. I think he and his gf of 3 yrs broke up june last yr so i believe he was most likely emotionally unavailable. So i let go. I left it too long to send him a 'get lost' message. He still messages me every once in a while but i barely take any notice as I am completely bored and over it(and him). If he msgs again i will ignore him completely!

 

I just WISH i could send that message like you did.

 

He sounds like a waste of space and just wants someone who will come to him and sleep with him. You were not his priority at all. The least he could have done was come up with a different excuse. Nobody goes to that many farewells

 

Hi Ash - thank you! It certainly felt good!!

 

I am just kicking myself that I didn't do this with lots of other losers in the past. I think I always hoped things would change or pick up over time and waited a month too long.

 

But I have been through enough and won't take it in future. I know I am happy alone and have no problem meeting new people so that makes it even easier to drop them when I'm not pleased.

 

Hopefully you can do the same if the situation arises again.

 

Yeh I think he just enjoyed having the company when it suited - I was merely replacing his ex on the couch!

 

I do wonder though - how much time is a good amount of time before they're ready to jump into something new?!

[Redhead14]

Hi Ash - thank you! It certainly felt good!!

 

I am just kicking myself that I didn't do this with lots of other losers in the past. I think I always hoped things would change or pick up over time and waited a month too long.

 

But I have been through enough and won't take it in future. I know I am happy alone and have no problem meeting new people so that makes it even easier to drop them when I'm not pleased.

 

Hopefully you can do the same if the situation arises again.

 

Yeh I think he just enjoyed having the company when it suited - I was merely replacing his ex on the couch!

 

I do wonder though - how much time is a good amount of time before they're ready to jump into something new?!

 

The amount of time is irrelevant. When they demonstrate sincerity and are consistent with communication and dates and clearly focused on you, they are ready. If all of those things are not in place, they aren't ready. Different people move on more quickly than others and depends on the circumstances. It's like death, some people grieve and heal and move on more quickly than others.

 

Always manage your emotions and expectations when you first start a new dating scenario. Be clear upfront about what you are looking for out of your dating journey and find out what they want or at least say they want and then observe their actions and words. If you're not on the same page to begin with, move on.