Need some input, i'm not sure how to title this.

[Justin8604]

Basically I need some input on what I should do about this girl. Here's a short back story on our meeting and interest level. I can get into details later if I need to.

 

Sorry It's longer than I wanted it to be but turns out I needed to vent a little.

 

I visited Sicily back in late October and met this amazing, sweet, fun, nice and smart local girl. I'm 28, She's almost 25. Unfortunately we only met briefly that night but since then, up until recently we have been chatting non stop, we only missed chatting maybe a few days due to my traveling. Almost entirely through FB chat, as I am only just learning Italian and she doesn't speak english very well. She can read and write it well, but I am the first person she's met to where she's had to speak english. At first it was just as friends, but clearly we were both interested in each other. In January we decided that we were interested in getting to know each other past a friendship. (not BF and GF but more than friends) It was great, we exchanged thousands of messages a month. We both sent about equal messages, she may have sent more. I dunno.

 

Anyhow, things were great up until about mid April where she met a new guy that she liked enough to actually hang out with. (She used to try to make me a little jealous or show her commitment to me I guess by telling me a boy wanted to get to know her and she told him no...not the case with this guy.) She told me about him and said she didn't want to make a decision before she was sure who she wanted to get to know better. Our communication level dropped pretty significantly then. To about 50% of what it was.

 

So, I finally got to visit her again in late April. The visit went well, but wasn't romantic like it would have been if another guy wasn't in the picture. Timing was also pretty bad, we were only able to hang out extremely late in the night. Couldn't prepare and do a lot of the other things I wanted to do to make a better impression. The stress of the timing also attributed to me not thinking straight the whole time. My brain was in rush mode still. Trying to communicate was interesting, difficult but we managed somewhat.

 

 

I was able to visit again a week later (I travel for work and have time off when I land in places) Unfortunately that's where things pretty much ended with any future plans of us. Apparently her feelings for this guy grew. She wound up not wanting to see me for the two days I was planned to be there. The first day I kept calm and didn't really press the issue of us meeting again. I figured I'd just wait for the next day. Wasn't a big deal for me at all to wait. I don't know what happened the next day but it was a major turning point. I asked what she wanted to do early in the day, she kinda avoided it. Which in turn made me start to act a little needy (I didn't do anything too terrible as I was able to control most of my urges, but I made a few mistakes) Biggest mistake of all I think was I started to get irritated because she just wouldn't give me an answer and I was trying to go downtown for food and such (our communication solely relied on internet connection and I don't have data over there) I mildly expressed that irritation. Didn't yell or anything just expressed my irritation in a little bit of a "tone" in my message.

 

The next day (the May 6th) she messaged me saying she understood what she wants, she knew the day before, and she thinks she only wants to know one guy. I never really responded to her message directly. I just told her I wasn't mad that she didn't want to hang out but just at the lack of her response and "I got your message", and "I'm not sure what to say". Unfortunately this was done a little needily. I messaged each one separately through 3 different outlets. One was on FB, another on a messenger app and the "I got your message" was a text.

 

I wound up staying in town for a few more days, didn't message her for a two days after I said I'm not sure what to say. That is when I knew when I was leaving, so I messaged her. Just asking how she was doing. We had a pretty good casual conversation. She was interested enough to ask when I was leaving. I told her in a few days, I never asked to hang out, i left it up to her to ask if she wanted to. And she would of had she wanted to. Since then all our chats have been initiated by me. They were just fun, friendly conversations. I'm pretty sure I didn't make any "mistakes" in our chats then.

 

When I returned home on the 12th, I did NC for about a week. Mostly for myself as I definitely needed it and I didn't really know what to say. Only reason I broke it was honestly by accident. I was trying to search our facebook chat (which is extensive) to get to the beginning to find some italian she was trying to teach me and some places she mentioned being good to visit. I meant to search in the search field, didn't realize i was in the message box and hit enter. I typed "it was nice to meet" as that is something I said not long after we first met. I immediately typed "ooops, no to that message lol"

 

Even though it was an accident I was hoping she would ask about it, as I could give her the reason and it would create conversation. She never did. After that point I decided keeping communication lines open would be best for my goals with her. I haven't really messaged anything needy I don't think. Just friendly "how are you's?" and some stuff I know she'd find funny. I dunno I've just tried to find fun interesting things to talk about. Unfortunately that's hard for me to do given the situation. But everyother day or so I'm able to come up with something.

 

Unfortunately since that bit of no contact and accidental message, her messages to me have been pretty brief. I've been able to get her interest sometimes, and she'll ask a question but most of the time she just responds respectfully with an "and you?" type of response. I really feel like the longer we go without talking our connection severs further and that the NC actually hurt it.

 

So here is my dilemma. I realize now that I care for her more than I was aware of before. I would very much like to create an opportunity for her to really get to know me and I her. But it would be difficult for that to happen anytime soon. As one obviously the new boy, two the distance and communication. Even had she chosen me, It would be very difficult for me to move to Sicily, and she wouldn't be able to move here anytime soon. With those being the main difficulties, it would be about impossible I think to start things up romantically again, regardless of what I want. So I don't think it would be wise to try and fight for her back (or use any of the "get your ex back" strategies as we were never an official item, perhaps I am wrong though). But I would like it to be a possibility in the future. As I'm definitely the type of person to try and make it work. Even if it's not a possibility, I would like to remain friends with her as I love Sicily and plan to spend more time there and the rest of Italy. As well as help me learn Italian.

 

 

If it were an American girl, I would easily just not contact her for a little bit and allow myself to move on before trying to remain friends. However with her I am not sure what to do, as I want to keep some interest there. As she really enjoyed us being in contact so much. I don't expect another NC of a longer duration (2 wks to 30 days) to really help in the aspect of rebuilding her attraction for me. I know it will help me, and maybe that is what I should be focusing more on. But I just fear a prolonged NC would completely eliminate me from the equation. Even perhaps as friends.

 

 

 

Honestly sorry for making this so long, I have more details than this as well for those that care to factor it in.

 

I started this thread to ask if I should finally acknowledge her message and respond to her decision directly? After she sent me the message I typed something up, nothing asking for her back or expressing any strong feelings, but just how I felt about her decision. I can post it up here if your interested. I would like input on whether I should sent it or not.

 

 

 

 

 

I thank you very much for your time in reading this and appreciate any advice and input you can give me.

 

 

Thanks again,

 

 

Justin

[hunk]

Alright man. You essentially destroyed any attraction she had for you once you willingly hung around while she was "choosing" between you and this other guy. I'm sorry, but that is the crux of this entire situation. The moment you allowed yourself to hang around you immediately turned into a backup plan for her, and you have remained a back up plan the entire time. What is troubling is that you don't seem to mind this. She is simply not interested. You may "care" for her and want to keep her around and in your life, but she just doesn't care. You're not a priority, and it doesn't sound like you're even much of an option. What you should've done (and what you need to do in the future if you are ever faced with this situation again) is to walk the moment you find out she's talking to/interested in another guy. Hanging around is pathetic, it shows you don't even value yourself enough to know what you want, which should be a woman who is interested in you and only you and is sure of that herself.

 

Reverse the situation for a second. How would you feel about the girl who is literally waiting around in the wings for you while you pursue the other, more unattainable girl, who won't put up with you choosing between two girls. This other girl walks because she has self respect, she makes herself a challenge and presents herself as equal. You won't even think twice about the girl hanging around waiting for you. You want the one who demonstrates self worth, confidence and that she KNOWS what she wants.

 

Let this one go, she is totally uninterested and any more contact from you is just degrading.

[hunk]

Also to answer your ultimate question, no you should not respond to her message. You should not contact her again, period.

[kasop]

Im sorry if this sounds harsh. She made her decision, but yet you kept contacting her. With her having light conversation with you means shes either just being nice or shes keeping u on the back burner while she dates this other guy. Bringing up anything serious will most likely push her away. I wouldnt recommend sending that letter.. unless you would totally not be affected if she rejected you. But you sound like you would get hurt. Remember she didnt pick you. There are tons of other girls out there.

[Justin8604]

Alright man. You essentially destroyed any attraction she had for you once you willingly hung around while she was "choosing" between you and this other guy. I'm sorry, but that is the crux of this entire situation. The moment you allowed yourself to hang around you immediately turned into a backup plan for her, and you have remained a back up plan the entire time. What is troubling is that you don't seem to mind this. She is simply not interested. You may "care" for her and want to keep her around and in your life, but she just doesn't care. You're not a priority, and it doesn't sound like you're even much of an option. What you should've done (and what you need to do in the future if you are ever faced with this situation again) is to walk the moment you find out she's talking to/interested in another guy. Hanging around is pathetic, it shows you don't even value yourself enough to know what you want, which should be a woman who is interested in you and only you and is sure of that herself.

 

Reverse the situation for a second. How would you feel about the girl who is literally waiting around in the wings for you while you pursue the other, more unattainable girl, who won't put up with you choosing between two girls. This other girl walks because she has self respect, she makes herself a challenge and presents herself as equal. You won't even think twice about the girl hanging around waiting for you. You want the one who demonstrates self worth, confidence and that she KNOWS what she wants.

 

Let this one go, she is totally uninterested and any more contact from you is just degrading.

 

Thanks man, yea I was afraid me sticking around was a mistake. And no I'm not ok with it at all, guess I just thought I was being understanding to it. If we had met again prior to this situation I probably would have walked, but wanting to see her again I guess trumped better judgement. And you're right about me not being sure about what I wanted...I was hesitant about the distance.

 

Just sucks because we had a great connection. Like better than I've had in years. Surprisingly it's effecting me more than with a girl I had known longer and actually had a relationship with.

 

I wish there was something I could do or say to redeem myself for sticking around. Even if it didn't change anything between us. At least just to be seen in a better light.

 

Thanks again, it's not harsh at all, it's just the truth. And I don't think she's keeping me on the back burner, at least now..definitely seems like she's just being nice.

[Justin8604]

So new question. I plan to not contact her. I've hidden her from Facebook so I won't see updates. I need to continue working on myself and seeing anything to do with her won't help me. Kinda unfortunately lol, I'm going to Sicily again. Only unfortunate because it will make me think of her, but Italy is great anyhow so I'll be fine. But...

 

What if she contacts me? I highly doubt she will because she seems pretty interested in this guy from what I can tell. But if she does, i would think it would be legitimate interest, as she is a confident girl.

 

Do I respond like I should have a long time ago and state I should have said goodbye then? My only intent in even responding at all would be to maybe redeem myself a little, then continue NC. Or do I just ignore it?

 

I assume you will say just ignore it. As I think that is what I probably should do...

[hunk]

Yep, you ignore it. If she is actually serious about seeing you and taking things any further you will know about it. If she contacts you it will most likely be along the lines of "hey, how are you?", and I would ignore this completely. She just wants to know you're still around, but isn't serious about you. Remember that. I've had girls do this to me and they always spark up meaningless contact again, and it's ALWAYS to make sure i'm still hanging around. They appear to make sure you're still into them then swiftly disappear, it's pathetic. I would just defriend her and put this behind you, there's no use in hanging on to any hope of things working out here.