Did the chat about “defining the relationship” completely ruin an otherwise promising

[Sara77]

Apologies for the long post!

 

I met someone online in late Feb and we had our first date in early March. We both felt like we were compatible and had great chemistry and felt lucky to have found each other. Things went great for the first four weeks and we saw each other 2-3 times a week. He then had to be away for work during which period he stayed in constant contact every day. He showed all the signs of commitment including daily contact, scheduling regular dates when he was in town, wanting to introduce me to friends and talking about our potential future and even specifically stated that he saw good long term potential in me. His work trip was for 2-3 months but he cut it short after 5 weeks and came back specifically to spend more time with me over a 2 week period before he had to go back again for a few weeks. When he came back however, I had a gut feel that he didn’t seem as emotionally close as before and he made a lot of social plans with other friends during the first weekend although he still made efforts to communicate daily with me and we still caught up 2-3 times a week and had a good time when we did.

 

Since it had been 3 months since we first made contact (including 5 weeks apart) and he was going to be away again, I initiated a conversation to find out if he still wanted a long term relationship and if we were in a position to progress things further in defining our relationship as I did not want to be in a casual relationship. I also asked him if there was anything wrong and any reason why he was being slightly preoccupied since he came back so he mentioned that it was because he wanted me to initiate more of the dates etc so I felt we resolved that aspect of the conversation however I did state that maybe we should make a decision about the relationship status before he left again as I didn’t get a straight forward response from him and felt he didn’t want to talk about it then.

 

 

 

Initially when we first met he was the one moving the relationship forward and stating how he wanted us to commit to a relationship sooner rather than later etc. However when I bought up the conversation this time, he thought about it for a day and then said that he was not “emotionally there” to make a decision as he had a lot of things on his mind and felt pressured. He said that since his trip he has also been thinking about moving back to his home country which has made him question what he really wants. He has now stopped communicating with me completely since I brought up the conversation because he feels he would be wasting my time.

I am totally confused by this complete turn of events as he was the one who flew back all the way from overseas to spend more time with me and he was the one who always initiated conversations about our future and moved things forward most of the time by initiating daily contact, dates etc. until the end. I realise he was a bit unavailable towards the end but he said that was to test if I would initiate things to show more interest.

 

 

Why would someone put so much effort into something if they were not “emotionally there”? Why did my initiating the ‘defining the relationship’ conversation completely ruin this budding relationship? Everything seemed so promising to start with so am still confused by the 360 degree turn from one conversation…Was the chat too soon and should I have just gone with the flow and let things evolve considering he was acting like a boyfriend in every other way? And finally is there anything that can be done now to reverse the damage?

Edited June 1, 2015 by Sara77

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

You didn't do anything wrong... He rushed things when really you should be the one to bring up DTR, and now that you did he isn't on board? Dump him.

[SunnySide0418]

Sorry to say but for whatever reason his feelings changed. It happens often when someone comes on really strong because it's not real. I would not contact him and look for someone else. I know it hurts but you can't make someone feel things. Maybe he met someone else.

[adamastor]

This is the danger with meeting people online. There are so many opportunities that many people enjoy the hunt better than the game. Somehow something made him change his made, he has the right but he led you on.

It's rough, but I guess it's fair game. Move on and don't settle for less than you deserve.