Eternal Sunshine Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I think you are wayyy more into him than you are willing to admit. As for your friend's situations, yes stuff like that happens; but for every story like that there are probably 50 where wishy-washiness and canceling dates means just what it looks like: he is not that into you. Just look at how much time you are putting into over-thinking this...that's the time you will never get back. This guy is a dead end. 2
Author shinyprettything Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 Your examples seem out of the norm where people become just friends for a long time before exploring a physical, intimate relationship. It's great that they turn out well but while reading them, I wondered if they were dating others while they were in "friends" status only? As I mentioned before, I think for myself and other guys, when we really like someone, we make ourselves available and would move mountains to make a date. Someone mentioned that "he may not be that into you". There could be truth in that. Maybe he likes you more as a buddy than risking losing you if the romantic part didn't work? I'd still vote that you keep dating others and maybe you'll meet a guy that rocks your world. This would put your guy friend out of your mind and you could still be friends with him too. The examples A & C weren't really dating anyone else. I vaguely remember one other guy in A's story. However, their guys wouldn't have known about the other guys they were dating. Much like me. I have and will date others until this guy or someone else is my boyfriend and I shouldn't be. But he wouldn't know I was dating others unless I directly told him which seems ridiculous and transparent. In example B, she was dating very casually and never anyone for long. He was the main guy in her life. Actually I could think of more examples if I tried so I don't think it's that out of the norm. I do 100% agree that my best course of action is to date others immediately. I'm not against that at all. One of the guys who wants to date me is a friend too which I find really tricky since it's the same thing I think my guy in this story is worried about. The moment I go on a date with him it will have to be a relationship which I would want to hold off on for a bit because I have feelings for this one. And yes of course you could be right about him worrying about losing me as a buddy.
Author shinyprettything Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) I think you are wayyy more into him than you are willing to admit. As for your friend's situations, yes stuff like that happens; but for every story like that there are probably 50 where wishy-washiness and canceling dates means just what it looks like: he is not that into you. Just look at how much time you are putting into over-thinking this...that's the time you will never get back. This guy is a dead end. Ok. Appreciate the feedback though I don't agree exactly. As for the overthinking, I'd probably be doing that with whoever I liked and knowing him he's doing the same thing. I would say that putting my thoughts on here and getting some concrete ways to deal with things has been more helpful than just having the hurt and problem on my mind. Just the way I process things. This has been helpful Edited June 1, 2015 by shinyprettything
Author shinyprettything Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 I have plans to go out this coming weekend with one of the two other guys interested in me. Will keep updating this space. 1
spiderowl Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) He cancelled a date. Whether he's a good friend or not, if he has a track record of messing you around and cancelling, this is not good! He is pushing your boundaries - what will you put up with? How much can he piss you off before you react and put him in his place? It sounds like you are making up all sorts of excuses for the guy because you really want this to work out, but it's not going to work out if you let him mess you about. So you can: 1. Give up on him 2. Give in to him and constantly re-arrange whenever he lets you down 3. Either tell him off for his inconsiderate behaviour and let him know you don't expect to be treated like this, or, make yourself very unavailable, for a long time, so that he has to work VERY hard to even get a response from you. Either he will learn his lesson and treat you better or he will give up. Maybe he wants to give up anyway. I can't believe he's doing all this because he's scared. He might be scared of getting into a relationship he doesn't feel is right for him - that's sad for you but a possibility - or he may be testing your confidence and boundaries. Don't let this guy get away with treating you like this. Spend your time elsewhere until he learns some manners! Oh, and I've found that when guys are definitely interested they make time for me, phoning me at 1am if that's the only time I'm available! Yet if they are not interested or losing interest, all of a sudden they are busy - work, phone problems, unwell, car problems, got to walk the neighbour's dog! You name it! It's amazing how many problems someone can have if they are not really interested but want to maintain contact. Edited June 1, 2015 by spiderowl 1
Author shinyprettything Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 He cancelled a date. Whether he's a good friend or not, if he has a track record of messing you around and cancelling, this is not good! He is pushing your boundaries - what will you put up with? How much can he piss you off before you react and put him in his place? It sounds like you are making up all sorts of excuses for the guy because you really want this to work out, but it's not going to work out if you let him mess you about. So you can: 1. Give up on him 2. Give in to him and constantly re-arrange whenever he lets you down 3. Either tell him off for his inconsiderate behaviour and let him know you don't expect to be treated like this, or, make yourself very unavailable, for a long time, so that he has to work VERY hard to even get a response from you. Either he will learn his lesson and treat you better or he will give up. Maybe he wants to give up anyway. I can't believe he's doing all this because he's scared. He might be scared of getting into a relationship he doesn't feel is right for him - that's sad for you but a possibility, or he may be testing your confidence and boundaries. Don't let this guy get away with treating you like this. Spend your time elsewhere until he learns some manners! Great advice as well. He's a pushing boundaries sort of person. I don't think I'm making excuses at all. If anything, I was hyper suspicious of something that on surface could be exactly what he claims it was. I'm erring on the side of protecting myself. While I don't think you are doing this, I was hesitant to put my situation on here because I have noticed the pattern of people tearing down the poster as well meaning as it is trying to be. That is the last thing I need right now. I didn't believe his excuse so here I am. I like what you say about not letting him mess me about and that it won't work out if I do. That's what I'm going for whatever the consequence. Contrary to what people may think from my posts, I don't imagine a relationship with anyone who would treat me as less than. I jumped right on setting up another date today. I'm not even trying to understand the whys of what he's done though I think you have points with the reasons you came up with. Just trying to come up with tangible solutions for myself. I totally agree with the 3 choices as you put them and guess so far I'm going with number 3 and number 1 is a distinct possibility as a factor of doing number 3. He's completely welcome to give up which is another reason choosing not to contact him seems like the best thing to do. Going back to the being too nice thing. I was thinking about it and part of what people might not understand about us. We show great interest in others and in today's very self-absorbed world some people actually believe it comes from a place of being over invested or way more into the other person. This applies to life, work, friendships and dating. When truly, in my case as I imagine a lot of the other too nice people, it's the way I was brought up and it doesn't often mean as much as other people read into it. I'm way stronger than people imagine and not naive. Simply put they often misread politeness and general manners as much more than it is and see you as someone to take advantage of or mistreat. I'm trying to deal with that in my life in general without changing the core of who I am. As one of the posters said above, you teach people how to treat you. I know I'm part of the reason it has gone awry with him and others. I wish things weren't this way but until I change the balance with him and others, they are. I will do as you suggested and make him work really hard to get a response from me. Your response helps so thank you very much!
spiderowl Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 You sound very thoughtful and are working through this experience. There is nothing wrong with being nice. The problems arise because people get a little lost when they have no boundaries. Not only are they more likely to behave badly, to test you out, but I believe it makes them feel insecure. They don't know where they stand with you. Are you going to stop them behaving badly because sometimes they will challenge until you do? As I see it, they need to know where the nice girl ends and where you (the OP) starts. If you draw a line in the sand, they have to stop and reconsider, think about their next move. Until then, they will swing around bumping into things like a clockwork toy that got stuck on the floor and hasn't been switched off. That line provides security and a wake-up call. We are all toddlers are heart. What will Mum let us do? When she stops us firmly, we know where we stand and we can relax in the knowledge that she's in charge of the important things. 1
Author shinyprettything Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 All 3 of the choices you offered us are game playing. Coupled with the fact that you said when you agreed to meet him later you acted like you already had plans tells me your poor communication style is contributing to these problems. I keep thinking about you calling my initial, and continued, action of not responding to his last text as game playing. I don't really think it is. I didn't want to talk to him and didn't know what to say since I was in shock. His handling of that night was not compelling enough to warrant a response from me to say the least under the circumstances. It didn't deserve a response. He is obviously not regretful or concerned enough to try to fix it with something more apologetic since then. Even though he posed it as a question, it was so one-sided. I know him well so I knew he was going to do what he wanted anyway. It would have been nice to be very straightforward but I don't think he was being that with me and didn't deserve that from me. I can be straightforward with him when he reaches out but I wholeheartedly believe additional effort in this case lies with him. By the way, I have taken what you suggested saying and reworked a couple of things in there but it's still 80% what you said to say. I added some things that call him out briefly. I mean there's no point pretending I'm not angry if I am being straightforward and honest. I'm ready to say my part. Right now though I still don't feel compelled to tell him this before he contacts me. My action speaks for itself. The only thing that would change that is when we cross paths via work. That's coming up shortly. I still don't know if I should be proactive and say something about our situation beforehand or just be cordial in a work setting. I'm leaning toward being cordial. To me one has nothing to do with the other. That is I would not embarrass myself by being dramatic in that setting and can rise above this. We are both mature enough that I know it would be fine. I kind of care about myself the most at this point so not really willing to take him into account.
katiegrl Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) shiny, just pull back. At work, be professional but keep your distance. Do NOT have *attitude* with him. Be cool, professional. IMO you are way over-thinking this. I assure you, HE isn't! Bottom line is..you have NOT even been out on ONE date yet. He keeps canceling, who cares why, that is HIS issue. Don't make it yours Keep things in perspective. You have *talked* to him enough. Too much IMO. Time for action (or NON action). Pull back, walk away. Even if he ever *did* manage to keep a date, and at this point that's a stretch, obviously he has commitment issues and whatever type of relationship you develop is going to be fraught with problems because of his issues. Push/pull, hot/cold, etc. Hell he can't even manage to keep a minor commitment like a first date HE made with you! Yah, he has got major commitment issues...and that is putting it mildly! I know you are really into him but you need to be smart here. Come on now. Choose wisely. I am exhausted just reading this thread. Edited June 2, 2015 by katiegrl
Author shinyprettything Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 shiny, just pull back. At work, be professional but keep your distance. Do NOT have *attitude* with him. Be cool, professional. IMO you are way over-thinking this. I assure you, HE isn't! Bottom line is..you have NOT even been out on ONE date yet. He keeps canceling, who cares why, that is HIS issue. Don't make it yours Keep things in perspective. You have *talked* to him enough. Too much IMO. Time for action (or NON action). Pull back, walk away. Even if he ever *did* manage to keep a date, and at this point that's a stretch, obviously he has commitment issues and whatever type of relationship you develop is going to be fraught with problems because of his issues. Push/pull, hot/cold, etc. Hell he can't even manage to keep a minor commitment like a first date HE made with you! Yah, he has got major commitment issues...and that is putting it mildly! I know you are really into him but you need to be smart here. Come on now. Choose wisely. I am exhausted just reading this thread. Well, I think I appreciate the response, though not sure if it was put here just to make me feel stupid. Sorry if it's exhausting to you. I realize that when posting I'm opening myself up for criticism. Overthinker, already admitted that, however I am using this as a place to vent the story and in life not showing it whatsoever. I can't really ask advice of a lot of people because of the work part. Like anyone who posts their issue on here, no stranger knows the relationship better than the people in it. I'm not really wanting to defend him or explain him because he's bugging me anyway right now, lol. Anyhow, you and I are in exact agreement of how to handle which is the advice I was seeking and it's been working perfectly so far so thanks for that.
Dreamworld Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 You gave me some great advice on my thread. I think you should apply that advice for your situation too. And this guy isnt even your boyfriend and he is already causing this grief! And I am learning things from our experience...that being too nice and accomodating make a guy walk all over you, and disrespect you, because they know you will be still be around. And it is up to us to decide how we are to be treated and act accordingly. I tend to be way too nice and understanding too, but enough was enough. And that if you find yourself analyzing a guy's behavior and making excuses and rationalizing, there is something amiss. You know there is that saying "if it is right between you, things shouldn't be so hard"? I had to suffer to finally realize this. I dont even think this guy is a good friend, let alone a potential boyfriend i would totally just step back and see how he acts. Hope you find peace of mind!! 1
SunnySide0418 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 So have you seen him at work and if so how did it go? 1
Author shinyprettything Posted June 5, 2015 Author Posted June 5, 2015 So have you seen him at work and if so how did it go? Surprise, surprise as luck would have it, the timing of that meeting didn't work out. Neither one of us influenced that. It was just the universe helping me out I don't know how much longer that will be the case though. I'm ready though. I know how I'm going to handle and feel comfortable with it. I feel good. Thanks for asking. I will post an update for sure.
Author shinyprettything Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Ok, here's the update as it stands now. He called me Friday attempting to make another date. So yeah that took about a week. Don't know how I'm going to proceed yet.
stillafool Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Bottom line is..you have NOT even been out on ONE date yet. He keeps canceling, who cares why, that is HIS issue. Don't make it yours OMG! I didn't realize you haven't been on even 1 date with this guy yet. Honey move on he's just not into you other than friendship. I wish you well.
katiegrl Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Ok, here's the update as it stands now. He called me Friday attempting to make another date. So yeah that took about a week. Don't know how I'm going to proceed yet. Just wondering. What makes you think THIS date will be any different from all the others that he cancelled?
Gary S Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Just wondering. What makes you think THIS date will be any different from all the others that he cancelled? - Exactly Katie
Author shinyprettything Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Our first real date was supposed to be last night. The date that was cancelled about two weeks ago was to be our first "REAL" date since we've discussed actually dating and agreed we wanted to. We have been out about 12 times that would be considered dating by most people's standards because there was always a flirting and romantic connotation since the very first one. However, we went pretending to be just friends on all the ones before our discussions about deciding to really date. He asked me 10 out of 12 of the times we've been out. He asked me the first time as well. I could go into detail about the whys and whats to bolster what the nature of this relationship is. I'm just doing what I've said in this post so far though in defense of myself and realize that is because I'm feeling attacked so don't really want to give attackers more to pick apart. I don't feel it's necessary. The last thing I expected when opening up and being vulnerable about this situation was people to try to make me feel dumb or like a bunch of strangers have a crystal ball. Only now I realize how dangerous that is. I have been on this site enough to know that there are very helpful people as there have been even on my thread. I also didn't expect that presenting good information such as he called me and asked for another chance would be met with more negativity and trying to make me feel stupid. It's so ironic because the reason I came back was to post that I decided to go on our first real date last night and everything was perfectly amazing. I guess some good things take time. I wanted to delete the thread but since you can't. I'll end on that note. Thanks to everyone that gave me helpful advice. I appreciate it.
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