How to handle this date cancellation???

[shinyprettything]

Hoping that people have good suggestions for how to handle this. One of my best guy friends and I have started liking each other and have agreed to being more than friends and want to see where it goes. Our first real date was supposed to be last night. Now he's a great guy generally but awful with plans. Sometimes he's forgetful and disorganized. On the other hand because I know him so well, I also know that sometimes he cancels on me to stall getting closer which he has done several times in the past. I'm well aware that he is scared ****less of ****ing up our friendship. I can't really believe it happened because it was supposed to be our first real date but he cancelled on me last night!!!

 

I'm not really wanting to debate liking him or not. That's not going away anytime soon and he's in my life because of other things no matter what. I truly believe we will end up dating for a significant amount of time. But you know those guys that are just push the max and test boundaries constantly? That's him. Combined with fact that I'm very nice. Some might say too nice. I have been with guys like him before and know his feelings are real even if he ****s it up to the extent that it may never happen.

 

So last night. He texted in afternoon saying he had to work late and that he only agreed to because he misunderstood me earlier and thought I was canceling on him. This misunderstanding is something I believe he is making up or capitalizing on because he doesn't really want to go since I never said that and we talked at least 3 times during week about going. He offers to still go out but later or today instead. In my head I'm calling bull**** on it all but I reply yes later is fine and claimed I had plans today anyway. I kind of get the feeling he will cancel either way and don't want to waste 2 days on this torture. I had semi-plans today but just didn't want to be so available to him anyway especially with his tendencies. I guess it was a bit of test to see if he was really going to follow through. A few hours later he texts to say he has to work a little later and can we just reschedule.

 

In my head I think he did that because he knew I already had plans today so the reschedule would just be vague anyway. He's nice and somewhat apologetic in the text though having been through this with him numerous times not sure how apologetic it really is. He didn't call or offer to make it up to me. I had already said later was ok so essentially he was flaking on me. If I was willing to go out at 9pm, I don't see why he wouldn't be. I didn't want to beg him to come since it was going to be our first date. That felt humiliating. I was crushed, sad and mad so I never answered him. So how to handle going forward?:

 

A) Status quo. Don't answer his text. He knows what it means and so do I. I generally think he was lying or exaggerating so somehow he needs to experience the feeling of what it will be like to lose me. His level of effort now is pathetic at times and part of that is because I'm too nice. I think it's only way he will realize. Two of my friends did this with guys they are now married to. Well one yelled at him first and still had to be professional at work but besides that did not talk to him anymore. My other friend gradually started blowing her guy off. Both guys came around pretty quick.

 

B) Answer his text today or tomorrow. He was going to do what he was going to do anyway so it was one-sided and didn't require a response. Be nonchalant and not eager to reschedule or converse with him.

 

C) Answer his text today or tomorrow. Basically tell him I don't believe him and tell him off.

 

I honestly couldn't decide what I wanted to do last night which is why for the moment I chose Option A. I'm still leaning toward that one because honestly what is there really to say and I don't want to be the one who is angry or crazy. Deep down I want to do whichever will have the best result, of course. I know it's not good to cut off communication, though sometimes obviously it's necessary!

 

I think if he has reservations about me actually my communication would be one of them. How convenient of him! I think if I open the lines of communication in any way on this he will just think I'm a pushover or desperate. I'm also not sure that if I did Option B I can keep from going Option C angry on him! Having been in fights with him before, he's told me to call him out on stuff, which is Option C like. But I have had the best results with him and others by doing Option A or Option B like things. Lately when I disappear for a while he will reach out first. I think though he can convince himself that he's handled this well so he may not reach out at all. Also Option A will take the longest, weeks or more! He probably would have already reached out but he knows it's a big deal that's why he hasn't. He's a handful but I love him. I just don't want to be set up a bad pattern and need to make sure he values me. Ultimately, we are both stubborn but I feel like I cave way more and only want him if he truly cares about me. What should I do?

[Gary S]

A couple of thoughts:

 

-Only one in one-hundred friends become lovers, the odds are poor.

 

- If he cancels get-togethers, he may not even be a good friend?

 

Why not date other guys? Nothing can take your mind off the old guy like a new flame can!

[shinyprettything]

A couple of thoughts:

 

-Only one in one-hundred friends become lovers, the odds are poor.

 

- If he cancels get-togethers, he may not even be a good friend?

 

Why not date other guys? Nothing can take your mind off the old guy like a new flame can!

 

Really? I know many friends who are dating or got married. I would say our friendship always has had dating undertones. From the first time we went out as "friends". However, I'm a little too confused at the moment to debate everything though have a point with your second comment. Just trying to handle my current dilemma. I'm sure I will learn something that will help me with future guys anyway. And I am open to dating other guys. As Option D, I consider telling him about 2 guys that are interested in me! So which option A, B or C? Or other advice to address the situation?

[shinyprettything]

Anyone? I obviously should have used the word "sex" in my title

[SunnySide0418]

I say A but why do you want to be with someone who is going to treat you this way? If he's REALLY into you wouldn't he do anything to spend time with you? Not play these immature games. He's unreliable and you can't count on him to keep his word. By his actions he doesn't seem that into you. I'm sorry but why else would he cancel? And stop being "nice". If he thought canceling would blow it with you do you still think he would have canceled? You teach people how to treat you. Remember that..

[shinyprettything]

I say A but why do you want to be with someone who is going to treat you this way? If he's REALLY into you wouldn't he do anything to spend time with you? Not play these immature games. He's unreliable and you can't count on him to keep his word. By his actions he doesn't seem that into you. I'm sorry but why else would he cancel? And stop being "nice". If he thought canceling would blow it with you do you still think he would have canceled? You teach people how to treat you. Remember that..

 

Thanks for replying <3

 

I appreciate what you and Gary have said. I hesitated posting because I really don't want to debate the whole relationship. I have lurked on here enough to know people will just say get rid of him. I don't think I can convey the whole relationship here nor do i want to try. However, I appreciate your response and obviously I consider these things always with him which is why I chosen to do A so far. So I gather from your response though that you don't think I'm overreacting? He may have been telling truth and handle fine this time but based on the past and what last night was, it felt really bad. I agree his reliability is in question. That's why I want to handle this situation correctly. He's into me but I think he thinks I'm more into him or not really a challenge because he's already sure I like him. That's not necessarily true but need opportunities to prove that. And you're right, he wouldn't have cancelled with me if it was going to be blown. He was more cautious with me before but I always forgive him. He always forgives me too for things I have done.

 

Lots of my girlfriends had to go through similar things with their boyfriends in one way or another to get them in line. I do seem to have problems that relate back to this type of thing more than I would like and know it goes back to being too nice. Darn, I even feel so boring that people haven't answered my post.

 

I'm trying to learn from this instance. Like I said, I will probably learn something from it. I have made mistakes like this before. This canceling problem is a recurring problem that has affecting both my dating life and my friend life. I humbly submit that I am an amazing, warm and happy person who is trying to learn from actual experiences. I don't think the answer is to just keep cutting people from your life like around the corner exists someone better or perfect. Even though I am doing that with option A. That's part of the reason I'm asking for opinions on what happened and what people suggest "doing".

[yxalitis]

A couple of thoughts:

 

-Only one in one-hundred friends become lovers, the odds are poor.

 

Really?

Where did you pull that figure from? Your arse?

I'm inclined to disagree with your assertion.

[jen1447]

Sorry hon but I find it impossible to pick an option because they don't make sense to me, or more specifically the desired results don't follow the actions imo.

[SunnySide0418]

Thanks for replying <3

 

I appreciate what you and Gary have said. I hesitated posting because I really don't want to debate the whole relationship. I have lurked on here enough to know people will just say get rid of him. I don't think I can convey the whole relationship here nor do i want to try. However, I appreciate your response and obviously I consider these things always with him which is why I chosen to do A so far. So I gather from your response though that you don't think I'm overreacting? He may have been telling truth and handle fine this time but based on the past and what last night was, it felt really bad. I agree his reliability is in question. That's why I want to handle this situation correctly. He's into me but I think he thinks I'm more into him or not really a challenge because he's already sure I like him. That's not necessarily true but need opportunities to prove that. And you're right, he wouldn't have cancelled with me if it was going to be blown. He was more cautious with me before but I always forgive him. He always forgives me too for things I have done.

 

Lots of my girlfriends had to go through similar things with their boyfriends in one way or another to get them in line. I do seem to have problems that relate back to this type of thing more than I would like and know it goes back to being too nice. Darn, I even feel so boring that people haven't answered my post.

 

I'm trying to learn from this instance. Like I said, I will probably learn something from it. I have made mistakes like this before. This canceling problem is a recurring problem that has affecting both my dating life and my friend life. I humbly submit that I am an amazing, warm and happy person who is trying to learn from actual experiences. I don't think the answer is to just keep cutting people from your life like around the corner exists someone better or perfect. Even though I am doing that with option A. That's part of the reason I'm asking for opinions on what happened and what people suggest "doing".

 

 

OK so what I would do is A - not contact him and when he finally contacts you somehow you have to let him know his behavior (canceling) is unacceptable, you deserve better and you won't tolerate it and mean it! Don't give in and contact him no matter what. You will lose your power. He does it because he knows he can and you'll still be there. I still don't understand the point of him canceling. Do you?

[shinyprettything]

Sorry hon but I find it impossible to pick an option because they don't make sense to me, or more specifically the desired results don't follow the actions imo.

 

oh maybe it's hard to understand. Well it's this:

 

A)don't respond to his last text.

B)respond though it will be way after he asked me if he could reschedule and just act like no big deal

C)respond and tell him off

 

The desired result is all the same really. I want him to wake up and not mistreat me because I feel like that's what last night was. I guess if I'm wrong about last night then communicating is only way to find that out or hold out hope that he will get in touch to do that himself realizing what he did was insensitive. Does that make sense?

[katiegrl]

shiney.... do A. Definitely A....no question.

 

Pulling back when you are not being treated well and/or taken for granted serves several purposes, one of which is to give him the time and space to wonder about you and miss you.

 

It also shows him you will not tolerate being toyed around with which will earn his respect.

 

As it stands now, he probably doesn't know how the hell he feels because you are always there....forgiving him and tolerating being mistreated. I doubt he has much respect for you otherwise he would not be treating you this way.

 

So yes just pull back. Don't tell him you are pulling back, in fact don't tell him anything. Just stop communicating with him. Let him wonder about you and miss you.

 

And suffer the consequences of his actions! That is how you teach him to respect you. By not tolerating his BS!

 

Good luck!

[shinyprettything]

OK so what I would do is A - not contact him and when he finally contacts you somehow you have to let him know his behavior (canceling) is unacceptable, you deserve better and you won't tolerate it and mean it! Don't give in and contact him no matter what. You will lose your power. He does it because he knows he can and you'll still be there. I still don't understand the point of him canceling. Do you?

 

ok, that's good advice. I have to see him for work related stuff but I can minimize that and avoid and he will feel the chill if I do have to talk to.

 

Well that's part of reason I didn't reply to him. I didn't want him to try to reason with me about canceling. He would say he was tired from work and was trying to reschedule. But that just wasn't good enough for me. Because of what this night was, I just felt like he should want to come no matter what. I think he takes me for granted. I also think he would rather postpone because I think he thinks once we have our first date we will be in full blown relationship. I'm guessing but fairly sure I'm right about that. I'd be ok going slow enough and if anything I think he will actually get more clingy than I am. But since he doesn't express this I haven't been able to talk to him about it.

[shinyprettything]

Definitely will take more advice and will keep referring to these posts while dealing with this.

 

I promise I will do an update too.

[SunnySide0418]

ok, that's good advice. I have to see him for work related stuff but I can minimize that and avoid and he will feel the chill if I do have to talk to.

 

Well that's part of reason I didn't reply to him. I didn't want him to try to reason with me about canceling. He would say he was tired from work and was trying to reschedule. But that just wasn't good enough for me. Because of what this night was, I just felt like he should want to come no matter what. I think he takes me for granted. I also think he would rather postpone because I think he thinks once we have our first date we will be in full blown relationship. I'm guessing but fairly sure I'm right about that. I'd be ok going slow enough and if anything I think he will actually get more clingy than I am. But since he doesn't express this I haven't been able to talk to him about it.

 

 

How old are you guys? If you're such good friends why hasn't all that been discussed? And I don't like that he may be thinking that once you go on your first date he'll think you're going to be in a full blown relationship so he's postponing it. Think about that. That's not good. I'm not going to get into the relationship aspect as you said you don't want to but always be true to yourself and don't let any man mistreat you. You deserve better!

[shinyprettything]

How old are you guys? If you're such good friends why hasn't all that been discussed? And I don't like that he may be thinking that once you go on your first date he'll think you're going to be in a full blown relationship so he's postponing it. Think about that. That's not good. I'm not going to get into the relationship aspect as you said you don't want to but always be true to yourself and don't let any man mistreat you. You deserve better!

 

30s. We have discussed a lot of it but not that specifically. I just know him so well that I'm fairly sure that's the reason. Honestly I would be a little freaked out by that too. He's a guy though so they deal with it like they deal with it and I would deal with it later and differently. And honor what we've been talking about.

 

I need to work on not letting people mistreat me. It happens a lot. That's why I'm curious about handling this well. If it's going to implode, I at least want to learn from it. The girl power words help so thank you!

[shinyprettything]

shiney.... do A. Definitely A....no question.

 

Pulling back when you are not being treated well and/or taken for granted serves several purposes, one of which is to give him the time and space to wonder about you and miss you.

 

It also shows him you will not tolerate being toyed around with which will earn his respect.

 

As it stands now, he probably doesn't know how the hell he feels because you are always there....forgiving him and tolerating being mistreated. I doubt he has much respect for you otherwise he would not be treating you this way.

 

So yes just pull back. Don't tell him you are pulling back, in fact don't tell him anything. Just stop communicating with him. Let him wonder about you and miss you.

 

And suffer the consequences of his actions! That is how you teach him to respect you. By not tolerating his BS!

 

Good luck!

 

Great advice as well. Glad my instinct this time worked out. I knew he would get something out of me answering that he couldn't get if I just didn't answer and was left hanging. Thank you!

[Redhead14]

Hoping that people have good suggestions for how to handle this. One of my best guy friends and I have started liking each other and have agreed to being more than friends and want to see where it goes. Our first real date was supposed to be last night. Now he's a great guy generally but awful with plans. Sometimes he's forgetful and disorganized. On the other hand because I know him so well, I also know that sometimes he cancels on me to stall getting closer which he has done several times in the past. I'm well aware that he is scared ****less of ****ing up our friendship. I can't really believe it happened because it was supposed to be our first real date but he cancelled on me last night!!!

 

I'm not really wanting to debate liking him or not. That's not going away anytime soon and he's in my life because of other things no matter what. I truly believe we will end up dating for a significant amount of time. But you know those guys that are just push the max and test boundaries constantly? That's him. Combined with fact that I'm very nice. Some might say too nice. I have been with guys like him before and know his feelings are real even if he ****s it up to the extent that it may never happen.

 

So last night. He texted in afternoon saying he had to work late and that he only agreed to because he misunderstood me earlier and thought I was canceling on him. This misunderstanding is something I believe he is making up or capitalizing on because he doesn't really want to go since I never said that and we talked at least 3 times during week about going. He offers to still go out but later or today instead. In my head I'm calling bull**** on it all but I reply yes later is fine and claimed I had plans today anyway. I kind of get the feeling he will cancel either way and don't want to waste 2 days on this torture. I had semi-plans today but just didn't want to be so available to him anyway especially with his tendencies. I guess it was a bit of test to see if he was really going to follow through. A few hours later he texts to say he has to work a little later and can we just reschedule.

 

In my head I think he did that because he knew I already had plans today so the reschedule would just be vague anyway. He's nice and somewhat apologetic in the text though having been through this with him numerous times not sure how apologetic it really is. He didn't call or offer to make it up to me. I had already said later was ok so essentially he was flaking on me. If I was willing to go out at 9pm, I don't see why he wouldn't be. I didn't want to beg him to come since it was going to be our first date. That felt humiliating. I was crushed, sad and mad so I never answered him. So how to handle going forward?:

 

A) Status quo. Don't answer his text. He knows what it means and so do I. I generally think he was lying or exaggerating so somehow he needs to experience the feeling of what it will be like to lose me. His level of effort now is pathetic at times and part of that is because I'm too nice. I think it's only way he will realize. Two of my friends did this with guys they are now married to. Well one yelled at him first and still had to be professional at work but besides that did not talk to him anymore. My other friend gradually started blowing her guy off. Both guys came around pretty quick.

 

B) Answer his text today or tomorrow. He was going to do what he was going to do anyway so it was one-sided and didn't require a response. Be nonchalant and not eager to reschedule or converse with him.

 

C) Answer his text today or tomorrow. Basically tell him I don't believe him and tell him off.

 

I honestly couldn't decide what I wanted to do last night which is why for the moment I chose Option A. I'm still leaning toward that one because honestly what is there really to say and I don't want to be the one who is angry or crazy. Deep down I want to do whichever will have the best result, of course. I know it's not good to cut off communication, though sometimes obviously it's necessary!

 

I think if he has reservations about me actually my communication would be one of them. How convenient of him! I think if I open the lines of communication in any way on this he will just think I'm a pushover or desperate. I'm also not sure that if I did Option B I can keep from going Option C angry on him! Having been in fights with him before, he's told me to call him out on stuff, which is Option C like. But I have had the best results with him and others by doing Option A or Option B like things. Lately when I disappear for a while he will reach out first. I think though he can convince himself that he's handled this well so he may not reach out at all. Also Option A will take the longest, weeks or more! He probably would have already reached out but he knows it's a big deal that's why he hasn't. He's a handful but I love him. I just don't want to be set up a bad pattern and need to make sure he values me. Ultimately, we are both stubborn but I feel like I cave way more and only want him if he truly cares about me. What should I do?

 

Whether you knew him before deciding to try dating each other or not, until you actually do have a first date and he is consistent with contact and scheduling dates, you treat him like any other guy you're hoping or expecting to date.

 

Let him contact you, make a date, keep it and then go from there. If he's scared, that's his problem. If he likes you enough, he'll be able to move forward with at least a first date. If a guy gives adequate notice of cancellation, I'll respond and expect him to reschedule shortly. If he gives short notice, I wouldn't answer. I'd wait for him to contact me with a clear explanation of why it was cancelled and then consider if I'll see him again.

 

If this guy tries to reschedule soon, I'd tell him OK, but you are busy and you'll need confirmation by X day and time. If he doesn't confirm by then, I wouldn't accept any calls or answer texts from that point on.

[shinyprettything]

Whether you knew him before deciding to try dating each other or not, until you actually do have a first date and he is consistent with contact and scheduling dates, you treat him like any other guy you're hoping or expecting to date.

 

Let him contact you, make a date, keep it and then go from there. If he's scared, that's his problem. If he likes you enough, he'll be able to move forward with at least a first date. If a guy gives adequate notice of cancellation, I'll respond and expect him to reschedule shortly. If he gives short notice, I wouldn't answer. I'd wait for him to contact me with a clear explanation of why it was cancelled and then consider if I'll see him again.

 

If this guy tries to reschedule soon, I'd tell him OK, but you are busy and you'll need confirmation by X day and time. If he doesn't confirm by then, I wouldn't accept any calls or answer texts from that point on.

 

Also great advice! He's not my boyfriend yet so even if we are very close, I will drop him down several notches. Well given current situation, not speaking to but still will treat as just some random guy since he is acting like one.

 

I would say that notice of cancellation was short but it was work related. I know him through work and understand his job so it very likely could be legit but he could have been lying or exaggerating too. He could have gone out afterward even if we didn't have the longest night because he was tired. IMO, you don't get that tired when you are hyped up romantically and on a special night when friends is officially going to something more.

 

Well, this is where it gets tricky and I'm the one playing a bit of a game. He did offer to reschedule immediately in both the text where he said he was going to be running late and then in subsequent one where he cancelled. I agreed later was ok in first text but I blew him off and did not respond to second one at all. Given his history of bad planning and not being 100% sure he wasn't lying, I just wasn't up for being played. I wanted to see more effort. This is my dilemma. Technically the ball is my court. And technically if a stranger read the texts, he did nothing really wrong. I did.

 

I generally think if it was an honest mistake or scheduling problem and he wanted to go he would be calling me repeatedly when I didn't answer.

 

So I can wait until he contacts me for sure. We both know he ****ed up. He needs to chase me after that stunt. If he's scared and didn't want to go, then he got exactly what he wanted. He can figure it out from here.

[aloneinaz]

If I had to cancel a first date on a very short notice, I'd do it by telephone, not an impersonal text. I'd be falling all over myself apologizing so she didn't think I was playing a game. I'd also try and pin down an exact date and time to meet since I cancelled the first time.

 

 

I think your suspicions could have merit. It sounds like something else is going on behind the scenes. If I had interest in a female friend and it had a chance to become a physical relationship, I'd move a lot of things around to make the date. I understand things come up too but..

 

 

I like the advice one other gave you. Treat him like a guy you met OLD and leave it up to him to show you he does want to go out by pinning you down for another date. In the mean time, explore other dating options as well.

[stillafool]

 

Lots of my girlfriends had to go through similar things with their boyfriends in one way or another to get them in line.

 

 

 

Maybe you could ask them what method they used when this happened to them. For me, I have to agree with the others he doesn't seem to be as into you as you are into him. When a guy likes a girl he wants to see her. It isn't this hard (from my experience).

[shinyprettything]

If I had to cancel a first date on a very short notice, I'd do it by telephone, not an impersonal text. I'd be falling all over myself apologizing so she didn't think I was playing a game. I'd also try and pin down an exact date and time to meet since I cancelled the first time.

 

 

I think your suspicions could have merit. It sounds like something else is going on behind the scenes. If I had interest in a female friend and it had a chance to become a physical relationship, I'd move a lot of things around to make the date. I understand things come up too but..

 

 

I like the advice one other gave you. Treat him like a guy you met OLD and leave it up to him to show you he does want to go out by pinning you down for another date. In the mean time, explore other dating options as well.

 

Great points and advice. Good to hear from a guy's perspective. I know he's not dating someone else. I think I've been too available and nice that's why he's not as interested as he should be or is at times. He'd be very lucky to have me. Oh well, I will have to play this bump in road out including dating others. Thanks very much.

[d0nnivain]

All 3 of the choices you offered us are game playing. Coupled with the fact that you said when you agreed to meet him later you acted like you already had plans tells me your poor communication style is contributing to these problems.

 

Since you are friends you should be able to be more straightforward. I'd call him & say something along the lines of,

 

Look we agreed to see where this leads if we can be something more than just friends. I would like to do that but you have to show up to make that happen. I realize you are busy & work is a priority

so

I'

m

going to make this easy for you. When you are ready & you have time in your schedule for me, pick up the phone & ask me on an honest to goodness date that you design. Until you are ready to do that I'

m

not interested in playing cat & mouse games with you.

[shinyprettything]

Maybe you could ask them what method they used when this happened to them. For me, I have to agree with the others he doesn't seem to be as into you as you are into him. When a guy likes a girl he wants to see her. It isn't this hard (from my experience).

 

I was going to put this information in my original post but it was too long already. Three friends had a very similar situation.

 

A) This girlfriend worked with her guy. Under guise of being friends they hung out for about a year or a little more. They claimed they were friends but they were not. It was as if they were dating but he wouldn't take the final step and kiss her and move it to next level. Finally one day they were about to kiss and he literally stopped himself. So she went crazy on him and told him not to speak to her anymore except at work where they had to. It was under a week that he came back and asked her for a relationship and they are married now. My opinion having been there through this with her is that he was holding back because of their work environment which is very small and she's an intense person so maybe that caused him doubts.

 

B) This second one also worked with her guy. They, like us, discussed dating each other. Her guy needed some time to deal with stuff though and no reason to believe it wasn't just a line. They hung out a lot and it seemed like they were dating but were technically friends. She asked him to a lot of events as friends. Some he would accept, some he wouldn't. She played it cool but toward the end was getting frustrated and dropped his priority and started blowing him off. Somehow they ended up at a wedding together and ended up kissing. They have been in a great relationship ever since and are now married. My opinion and what I know is that he was holding back because she is a little older than him and more successful at work at that time. He was dealing with some real personal drama and wanted to establish himself some more before being in a relationship. She's on vacation but yes trying to ask more details from her because we are very close.

 

C) The third one met her guy at a party and they became immediate friends but since the first day there were romantic undertones. They hung out all the time and all her friends were just telling her to give up since he never took the next step. She just kept going and one day they were watching a movie at her place and he grabbed her and kissed her. They have been together ever since, 3 years plus. She's a work friend of mine so I don't want to ask her to help in my situation even though our work paths don't cross with my guy's. Her guy took so long because she is quite a bit older than him and a single mom.

 

I think his perception is that I am more into him than he is into me. Even though I don't think it's necessarily true, his perception is all that matters in this case. I honor my commitments across the board and am a reliable person so it would make it seem that way and just the way our personalities are make it seem like that. I'm sweet. He's blunt. In reality, he's as attached to me as I am to him. You should see when I blow him off that is not something he has to rebel against like this. Very clingy and trying to make sure I don't disappear. I 100% agree that it typically isn't this hard and this shouldn't be.

[shinyprettything]

All 3 of the choices you offered us are game playing. Coupled with the fact that you said when you agreed to meet him later you acted like you already had plans tells me your poor communication style is contributing to these problems.

 

Since you are friends you should be able to be more straightforward. I'd call him & say something along the lines of,

 

Look we agreed to see where this leads if we can be something more than just friends. I would like to do that but you have to show up to make that happen. I realize you are busy & work is a priority

so

I'

m

going to make this easy for you. When you are ready & you have time in your schedule for me, pick up the phone & ask me on an honest to goodness date that you design. Until you are ready to do that I'

m

not interested in playing cat & mouse games with you.

 

Fair enough. My communication is not the best. I didn't believe he was being 100% honest though so didn't want him to have all the power. I agreed to meet him later on Saturday which was a choice he offered to me. I acted like I already had plans on Sunday because I didn't want to be strung along for two days by him. I did have plans I could have done but if things were fine with him, seeing him would have been a priority over these other plans. Of course, after he cancelled Saturday night, I wished I hadn't already told him about Sunday plans but I wasn't going to act desperate either and open that option up to him.

 

I like what you are saying to say to him. I kind of still just want him to contact me though and then say that. Do you think that's fair?

[aloneinaz]

I was going to put this information in my original post but it was too long already. Three friends had a very similar situation.

 

A) This girlfriend worked with her guy. Under guise of being friends they hung out for about a year or a little more. They claimed they were friends but they were not. It was as if they were dating but he wouldn't take the final step and kiss her and move it to next level. Finally one day they were about to kiss and he literally stopped himself. So she went crazy on him and told him not to speak to her anymore except at work where they had to. It was under a week that he came back and asked her for a relationship and they are married now. My opinion having been there through this with her is that he was holding back because of their work environment which is very small and she's an intense person so maybe that caused him doubts.

 

B) This second one also worked with her guy. They, like us, discussed dating each other. Her guy needed some time to deal with stuff though and no reason to believe it wasn't just a line. They hung out a lot and it seemed like they were dating but were technically friends. She asked him to a lot of events as friends. Some he would accept, some he wouldn't. She played it cool but toward the end was getting frustrated and dropped his priority and started blowing him off. Somehow they ended up at a wedding together and ended up kissing. They have been in a great relationship ever since and are now married. My opinion and what I know is that he was holding back because she is a little older than him and more successful at work at that time. He was dealing with some real personal drama and wanted to establish himself some more before being in a relationship. She's on vacation but yes trying to ask more details from her because we are very close.

 

C) The third one met her guy at a party and they became immediate friends but since the first day there were romantic undertones. They hung out all the time and all her friends were just telling her to give up since he never took the next step. She just kept going and one day they were watching a movie at her place and he grabbed her and kissed her. They have been together ever since, 3 years plus. She's a work friend of mine so I don't want to ask her to help in my situation even though our work paths don't cross with my guy's. Her guy took so long because she is quite a bit older than him and a single mom.

 

I think his perception is that I am more into him than he is into me. Even though I don't think it's necessarily true, his perception is all that matters in this case. I honor my commitments across the board and am a reliable person so it would make it seem that way and just the way our personalities are make it seem like that. I'm sweet. He's blunt. In reality, he's as attached to me as I am to him. You should see when I blow him off that is not something he has to rebel against like this. Very clingy and trying to make sure I don't disappear. I 100% agree that it typically isn't this hard and this shouldn't be.

 

 

Your examples seem out of the norm where people become just friends for a long time before exploring a physical, intimate relationship. It's great that they turn out well but while reading them, I wondered if they were dating others while they were in "friends" status only?

 

 

As I mentioned before, I think for myself and other guys, when we really like someone, we make ourselves available and would move mountains to make a date. Someone mentioned that "he may not be that into you". There could be truth in that. Maybe he likes you more as a buddy than risking losing you if the romantic part didn't work?

 

 

I'd still vote that you keep dating others and maybe you'll meet a guy that rocks your world. This would put your guy friend out of your mind and you could still be friends with him too.