mightycpa Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Having thought about it for awhile, I remember that I was much more interested in whether or not a woman could support herself in decent style than I was in whether she'd go dutch or not. The whole "does the other person have enough money" question works both ways. If she didn't make a better than average earning, it's not like I wouldn't date her, but it was a strike against her for me, and it was an argument against a long-term serious relationship. Nobody wants to take on a perpetual cash-eating machine, amirite? Next, assuming she could jump through that hoop sufficiently, then her willingness to take me out every once in a while spoke to her generosity as a person. I'm sure women make a similar calculation. Everybody has their own criteria, right?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I've seriously never expected anyone to "take care of things" for me. Maybe I need to change my perspective on this? Is this something men like doing? It's just traditional gender roles, Men provide/protect.... However in this day and age after you've been going out a while, Women should pay too, but a guy should always be ready. For the first 2 dates though a Man should always expect to pay.. Although if the Woman wants to go dutch, that can work too!
Shining One Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 You would actually take money from a woman on a first date? Wow. I'm sorry but that's just tacky. It's the principle. You men want to be looked at as MEN but you expect a woman to pay right away?. Is that seriously how you were raised? I totally agree after the man takes her out a few times it's a nice gesture for the woman to pick up the check but you guys (some of you) seem to expect it every time! Typically the man makes more than the woman anyway.Some of us were raised to treat women as equals. Ideally, a woman should take turns with a man she's dating.
BluEyeL Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 In my experience, I offer to pay for the first third dates, but usually they pay. And after the third they let me pay. From then on you can talk to each other about how to do it. In one short relationship I had (3 months) we took turns after 3 dates. In the current one (1 year), he pays when we go out, I cook (three times a week) and I sometimes also pick up the tab when we go out, maybe once a month. For the second (and third) date, you should offer to pay and hope he'll pick it up anyway to show you he knows how to treat a woman. After that.... like I said above.
Shining One Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Yep, that's why it's about balance. The man gets the ball rolling and if the woman is truly interested she will reciprocate more and more until things are balanced.I'm not sure if I understand your post. If a man goes out with a woman and pays for the first five dates, does she pay for the next five dates to balance things out?
misspond Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I always offer to pay my share even for a coffee date. If he insists on getting it then I'll thank him and let him pay. After that I still always insist on paying my share, and if he absolutely insists that he pay then I'll let him. I'll always make sure I get something later/the next time. But I never assume he's going to foot the bill.
Redhead14 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) I'm not sure if I understand your post. If a man goes out with a woman and pays for the first five dates, does she pay for the next five dates to balance things out? No, not necessarily. It may not come out one for one, really. What I mean by balance is demonstrating mutual interest. If you don't pay for any or at least offer, he feels like he's doing everything and kinda not sure of you. I wouldn't wait 5 dates, more like you pay date 3. It's like when a man doesn't contact you enough or respond enough. You start wondering if he's really interested. Edited June 1, 2015 by Redhead14 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 In my experience, I offer to pay for the first third dates, but usually they pay. And after the third they let me pay. From then on you can talk to each other about how to do it. In one short relationship I had (3 months) we took turns after 3 dates. In the current one (1 year), he pays when we go out, I cook (three times a week) and I sometimes also pick up the tab when we go out, maybe once a month. For the second (and third) date, you should offer to pay and hope he'll pick it up anyway to show you he knows how to treat a woman. After that.... like I said above. Yeah pretty much this. Most my dates the bill will come, I'll reach for it, and she'll mention she can pay too, and I'll just say thanks but i'll take care of it, and they'll thank me Sometimes they'll insist on paying, and I won't argue and we'll go half/half... Never caused me any problems. 3
lollipopspot Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I think a lot of this is just how people were raised. My father (quite elderly and long retired) has a very long term girlfriend. She has more assets than he does, but he pays for dinner when they go out. I asked him about it and he said, "It's just the way it's done." Of course it doesn't have to be "done" like that, but it seems right to him and it's what he's comfortable with. He doesn't resent it or anything, it's just the way their more traditional world works 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 If a guy was raised properly he should be offering to pay for the first few dates.
Shining One Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 No, not necessarily. It may not come out one for one, really. What I mean by balance is demonstrating mutual interest. If you don't pay for any or at least offer, he feels like he's doing everything and kinda not sure of you. I wouldn't wait 5 dates, more like you pay date 3. It's like when a man doesn't contact you enough or respond enough. You start wondering if he's really interested.If a guy was raised properly he should be offering to pay for the first few dates.I much prefer taking turns. This way, if things don't work out, one party hasn't invested significantly more than the other. If things progress to the relationship phase, then you should do what makes sense in the relationship. My current girlfriend paid for half our dates during the dating phase. Once we became official, I started paying for the majority of our dates. I make more than she does and I don't have children, so I have more disposable income. 2
lollipopspot Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 My current girlfriend paid for half our dates during the dating phase. Once we became official, I started paying for the majority of our dates. I make more than she does and I don't have children, so I have more disposable income. Was it ever talked about? How did you come to that arrangement?
Shining One Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Was it ever talked about? How did you come to that arrangement?We didn't discuss the arrangement during the dating phase. She paid the bill at the restaurant on our second date while I was in the bathroom. When I asked for the check, she told me she already got it since it was her turn. I offered to pay her half and she told me the next one was on me. We just naturally took turns after that. When we became official, I started taking her to some of my favorite places. These are a bit more expensive and out of her price range. At this point, we had the discussion and came to our current arrangement. She does feel bad about it and she compensates me in other ways. She is currently in the process of repainting my house, which she enjoys doing. I hate painting, so this works out perfectly. 2
SunnySide0418 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Wow, there are some entitled bitches on here... No need to name call just because you don't know how to be chivalrous.
Vintage79 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I have no problem with the man paying. A man who will not pay for a simple drink / coffee / meal is cheap and miserly. It doesn't matter if it's a second date or a fiftieth date, he should be happy to be with you. But be sure to thank him for his time and energy. Mortensorchid, all I'll say is I'd dump you in a heart beat - any woman who never steps up to pay for a date effectively is communicating that they're looking for a free ride and is one step away from a prostitute - I hope you're at least putting out on date 2 and letting him use and abuse you however he wants...
SunnySide0418 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Mortensorchid, all I'll say is I'd dump you in a heart beat - any woman who never steps up to pay for a date effectively is communicating that they're looking for a free ride and is one step away from a prostitute - I hope you're at least putting out on date 2 and letting him use and abuse you however he wants... As I said .. chivalry is dead.
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 As I said .. chivalry is dead. Some men only want a "man with a vagina". They want all the characteristics of a man, with the side benefit of boobs and a vagina. They don't really want a woman to be a woman with the natural characteristics of a woman. That way they can hang with another "bud" and get laid too.
misspond Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 We didn't discuss the arrangement during the dating phase. She paid the bill at the restaurant on our second date while I was in the bathroom. When I asked for the check, she told me she already got it since it was her turn. I offered to pay her half and she told me the next one was on me. We just naturally took turns after that. When we became official, I started taking her to some of my favorite places. These are a bit more expensive and out of her price range. At this point, we had the discussion and came to our current arrangement. She does feel bad about it and she compensates me in other ways. She is currently in the process of repainting my house, which she enjoys doing. I hate painting, so this works out perfectly. Women have had to fight hard for equality in the countries where they have the ability to do so (I'm in the UK). There's absolutely no way that I would not offer/insist on paying my share (no fake reaching for my money here) when out on a date. Same as when I'm out with friends, I don't assume that because they asked me to join them they're paying for me. Obviously if it's a date then there are slightly different *rules* to navigate, but I'm always going to have enough money available to cover my half, even if my date insists that he pays. I'll get dessert then, or a drink somewhere else if that's the case. I'm not sure it's done me any favours to be this way but I'm not out for free drinks or dinner on a date, I'm out to find out more about a person. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Some men only want a "man with a vagina". They want all the characteristics of a man, with the side benefit of boobs and a vagina. They don't really want a woman to be a woman with the natural characteristics of a woman. That way they can hang with another "bud" and get laid too. That's really unfortunate. It baffles me how so many "men" on here expect the woman to pay right away. Until recently I have never run into this issue. Granted I was married for 10yrs and newly back on the dating scene but things sure have changed. I fully agree that after a while it's nice for the woman to pick up the movie or dinner occasionally but certainly not on a regular basis. It's also not about feeling entitled or trying to get a free meal as some like to say on here. It's not about the amount of money - it can be inexpensive. It's about a man being a man and taking care of the woman. I know I have very traditional views and this new way of dating is not for me. When I went on a recent first date and I asked if he wanted money and he said sure leave $5 for tip and throw another $3 in there so I'll cover $20. The bill was $23. I was so turned off and it actually hurt my feelings. Like I'm not worth $23. Anyway - I can go on and on but I'll let it go. I just do not agree that the woman should pay. Period.
SunnySide0418 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Women have had to fight hard for equality in the countries where they have the ability to do so (I'm in the UK). There's absolutely no way that I would not offer/insist on paying my share (no fake reaching for my money here) when out on a date. Same as when I'm out with friends, I don't assume that because they asked me to join them they're paying for me. Obviously if it's a date then there are slightly different *rules* to navigate, but I'm always going to have enough money available to cover my half, even if my date insists that he pays. I'll get dessert then, or a drink somewhere else if that's the case. I'm not sure it's done me any favours to be this way but I'm not out for free drinks or dinner on a date, I'm out to find out more about a person. Why do you make it about being out for free drinks or dinner? It's about being a gentleman and chivalry. It's not even about the money. It's the principle. I can certainly afford my own dinner and drinks. And going out with friends is completely different! Do you "allow" a man to open a door for you? Help you on with your coat?
lollipopspot Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Mortensorchid, all I'll say is I'd dump you in a heart beat - any woman who never steps up to pay for a date effectively is communicating that they're looking for a free ride and is one step away from a prostitute - I hope you're at least putting out on date 2 and letting him use and abuse you however he wants... Wow, that is nasty. It's one thing to have an opinion on traditional gender roles and paying for dates, another thing to get off on abuse.
misspond Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) Why do you make it about being out for free drinks or dinner? It's about being a gentleman and chivalry. It's not even about the money. It's the principle. I can certainly afford my own dinner and drinks. And going out with friends is completely different! Do you "allow" a man to open a door for you? Help you on with your coat? I'm not really making it about free dinner and drinks, I just think that for me it's about being as equal as I can be. I live in 2015 and I can make my own choices. I can put my own coat on and open a door for myself and it's appreciated if someone wants to do something nice for me although I'll be honest it makes me slightly uncomfortable when a man does that kind of stuff for me. I can also choose to acquiesce if a man insists on paying for me when we're out together (which I have done if I've felt comfortable with it) and I can offer (and mean it/do it) if I want to pay for my date, which I have done and it's been met with surprise and a thank you, just as I would say thank you. Maybe it's because I've had to fight for myself for the last few years, being a single working mum (being a single parent was not on my bucket list I can assure you) for the last five years has toughened me up a bit. YMMV Edited June 2, 2015 by misspond Clarification 2
SunnySide0418 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I'm not really making it about free dinner and drinks, I just think that for me it's about being as equal as I can be. I live in 2015 and I can make my own choices. I can put my own coat on and open a door for myself and it's appreciated if someone wants to do something nice for me although I'll be honest it makes me slightly uncomfortable when a man does that kind of stuff for me. I can also choose to acquiesce if a man insists on paying for me when we're out together (which I have done if I've felt comfortable with it) and I can offer (and mean it/do it) if I want to pay for my date, which I have done and it's been met with surprise and a thank you, just as I would say thank you. Maybe it's because I've had to fight for myself for the last few years, being a single working mum (being a single parent was not on my bucket list I can assure you) for the last five years has toughened me up a bit. YMMV Perhaps that has hardened you because it is not at all about not being capable. Of course we are capable of doing it ourselves it's about being treated like a lady imo. But if it makes you uncomfortable then you are perfectly suited for a man who wants the girl to pay and isn't into all the chivalrous stuff. I just happen to like all that. It makes me feel special and in turn I want to make him feel special. I guess i'm big on gender roles with dating. 1
Shining One Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 It makes me feel special and in turn I want to make him feel special.In what ways do you make the man feel special? How much does he have to invest before he receives this treatment? I'm genuinely curious. I have never gotten very far when dating traditional women, so I don't know what it's like.But if it makes you uncomfortable then you are perfectly suited for a man who wants the girl to pay and isn't into all the chivalrous stuff. I just happen to like all that.I hope you understand that there is more to chivalry than opening your wallet. I guess i'm big on gender roles with dating.There's nothing wrong with this. There's also nothing wrong with believing in equality. 1
courtneykay Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I think there are a lot of things that come into play when how you split the bill. I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly two years, and I don't think I have paid or a meal more than 5 or 10 times. We are both in college (he has since graduated) and while he is very wealthy, I only worked a part time job and am very frugal. I think he realizes that I am not as financially well off as he is, and so he will pay for my meals. Heck, sometimes he will even send me delivery food! Of course I do other things to show my appreciation. I'll surprise him with coffee, or bring lunch, I always cook for him, etc. I don't think this means I don't believe in equality, I do. When I graduate and have a stable job, I intend to pay for a lot more. But he's about to be the one with a job while I am still in college just trying to get by, so it makes sense that he would be the one who pays for the dates. That's a big part of it. Yeah, I get that you don't want to date a person that isn't financially stable. But if one person is clearly wealthier than the other and has the funds, I think they should offer to pay. Even if it is the woman. It also just depends on the values your date has. My boyfriend and I both have a traditional upbringing. Obviously I didn't go into dating him thinking he would pay for everything, I expected to pay for myself. But it impressed me that he was a gentleman and insisted he pay. Now he will pay for our meal, and I will treat him to ice cream afterwards or drinks or whatever. I think a lot of you are being hard on the girls who expect the man to pay. Yeah, maybe it is a bit outdated. But a lot of us were taught that that's how things should be. Granted, I wouldn't expect things to be like this, but I am lucky to have such a generous boyfriend so I always go out of my way to make sure he knows he is appreciated.
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