imtrying211 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I had a major set back today, and it was all my own doing. A brief summary of my story for those that don't know.....was with my ex for a little over a year and we broke up about a month and a half ago. Shortly afterwards he went back to his previous gf, so yeah, he left me for her. I haven't spoken to him in over a month, but see him at work basically everyday. Today I decided to check his gf's instagram page, of course hoping to not see their pictures up, and there they were smiling and happy. It crushed me beyond belief. Plus the caption she wrote about fighting for the one you love, etc, etc. I know what everyone is going to say, STOP CHECKING HER PAGE!! I don't even have instagram, but her page is public so it's like a temptation I can't avoid. I've come a long way since the beginning, only to push myself backwards, like an idiot!! I had never felt a love like this before, so I have never felt pain like this either. I think about him all the time, hold on to hope that he'll change his mind and come back, dwell on questions I'll never get the answers to. I want to stop all of it but I really don't know how. There are days where I feel like I am over it, but I guess I'm just lying to myself. Maybe I'm trying to force it instead of letting it happen on it's own? I just feel lost, emotionally, and mentally.
La.Primavera Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 First of all, I am sorry you are going through all this. It must be extremely hard seeing him every day and being reminded of your loss. It makes your no contact effort more remarkable. You should be proud of yourself for that. It is not an easy thing to do at the best of times, so well done. Another positive thing you mentioned was that some days you feel like you are over it. Even though that feeling may not last long it is still a good sign of progress, so I want to encourage you that you are on the right track and doing well. It is an ongoing process that will take time. If you have the opportunity to transfer or get a better job, I would recommend it. Not because you are running away but because it will help you heal faster not having to see him. It is worth considering. About looking at her Instagram, well you knew the risk but perhaps you needed to see it. This confirms his character and lack of feelings towards you. After countless hours of thinking about him, wishing and hoping, and analysing every detail you can see it is all in vain. Perhaps it was a good thing you looked this once. Keep that image in your mind. If you are going to think about him, try and focus on the negatives. One day you will feel stronger and decide that even if he came back on bended knee you would never take him back because he is unworthy. The right man would never treat you this way. It will take time but you will get there. Try to take small steps to reduce his significance in your life as you go. It would certainly help if you didn’t have to see him ever again so please consider your options there. At some point you will realise you have gone hours without thinking about him. You will start to notice other guys and maybe go on a few dates. Focus on your life and things that make you happy and the things you want to achieve. Right now is the perfect time to learn more about what you want out of life. All the best. 2
Author imtrying211 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 Thank you for your kind words and support. The NC has been difficult, but it was something I needed to do for myself. There's nothing that I can say that will change things, and I see that. It's just so hurtful that we are like complete strangers now after being practically inseparable for over a year. We see each other at work and don't even look at each other, no acknowledgment whatsoever. I want to get past that, and at least be able to be civil, say a quick hello in passing. I know we cannot be friends, and I'm not looking for that, but being that we do HAVE TO see each other, I think the least we could do is acknowledge each other's existence. I've been struggling with this thought, because I really don't know if it will hurt me more in the long run. I have been thinking about switching jobs, not just because of him, but for myself. That is also something I am struggling with because I have been with this company for 10 years and don't want to make any big decisions while still riding the emotional rollercoaster of the breakup. I'm hoping to continue to have more good days, and I know I will, it's just when the bad days come, I feel like I'm starting all over again. Yesterday was definitely one of those days.
Ariess10 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry you are going through this, the pain of a break up is like no other its unique all its own. I am 2 months into a nc after breaking up 2 months ago, I been around the block a few times so I knew this is what I had to do .. I have a fb page that I used for a local business I started (nothing big) and I haven't been on it since the break up because I'm still friends with a lot of her friends in it and I just don't wanna see it. Even tho I am very tempted , but I know it will only bring pain .. You had a little set back not the end of the world , but I know the pain is real. So you gotta ask yourself if he left you for someone else , do you really wanna be with someone that does see the great in you? How could he be so great if he doesn't see how great you are? Keep your head up and I am sure you will move on to someone that really wants you and only you.. Edited June 1, 2015 by Ariess10
Zetec Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I looked at my ex's Instagram, and ohhh man, it hurt me. I also looked at her new guys Instagram too - lots of photos of them together doing things together, going on days out, meals, gifts (he bought her flowers) etc etc. It was a mistake to do it, because it left me in pieces afterwards - but now I know that I will never do it again. Sometimes you have to burn yourself to learn a lesson.
aloneinaz Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 It's just so hurtful that we are like complete strangers now after being practically inseparable for over a year. I think this is why break ups hurt so bad, especially if one of the two were not expecting it. I do believe it's a "withdrawal" reaction as well. You've become accustomed to this person in your life. They were there day in and day out. We all know breaking any habit is very hard but each day that passes, it becomes easier as well. Honestly, it sounds like you're doing well. Clearly, checking up and visually seeing photo's of your ex with someone new will set back anyone's progress. Don't beat yourself up. Learn from it and you'll feel better sooner. I know I went STRICT NC for this very reason. Myself and others knew we were not in any condition to stay connected until we were down the line in our healing. You stated you're having good days. This is a GREAT message. It means you've come to acceptance and are moving forward. I agree that you don't need to come to any rash decisions while your emotions are running high. I just think you need to continue to go through the process. When you're up to it, try to start casual dating. The process is a good way to take you mind off you ex. You may even meet someone who makes you FORGET your ex entirely. 1
Ariess10 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Aloneinaz good point, there has been studies that link the same part of the brain a person going through drug withdrawals as a person going through a break up.. We have to lean our selfs off our exs that's why it takes time
aloneinaz Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Aloneinaz good point, there has been studies that link the same part of the brain a person going through drug withdrawals as a person going through a break up.. We have to lean our selfs off our exs that's why it takes time I have a therapist friend. She said people can become "addicted" to their partners, even when the relationship is toxic. That's why women who's husbands beat them have a hard time leaving them. She told me she cringes when she get's clients in that are in withdrawal from a toxic relationship. They say it takes 28 days to retrain your brain to break a habit. When my last ex dumped me, I felt horrible until about day 21. I started to come out of the storm and each day after that got better and better. We just need to stay strong thru the process. I got thru it and found someone much better for me and most other do as well.
Author imtrying211 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 I absolutely agree with the withdrawal point. After the things he said to me, what he did, leaving me for that awful person, I wonder why in the hell would I want him back? What is wrong with me that I would want someone like that? Granted, the time we spent together was honestly the happiest time of my life, and we did have a great relationship, or at least I thought we did. It's the loneliness that makes me miss him, or miss the person he WAS. I guess I just miss my best friend....
Ariess10 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I absolutely agree with the withdrawal point. After the things he said to me, what he did, leaving me for that awful person, I wonder why in the hell would I want him back? What is wrong with me that I would want someone like that? Granted, the time we spent together was honestly the happiest time of my life, and we did have a great relationship, or at least I thought we did. It's the loneliness that makes me miss him, or miss the person he WAS. I guess I just miss my best friend.... because the brain only focuses on the good stuff after a break up, trust me I had my ex on a pedestal for the first weeks .. Now when I really look at it 3 years of bull****.. You'll get to that point where you start to see , they are just one person and not all that great
aloneinaz Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 because the brain only focuses on the good stuff after a break up, trust me I had my ex on a pedestal for the first weeks .. Now when I really look at it 3 years of bull****.. You'll get to that point where you start to see , they are just one person and not all that great I think everyone, especially the dumped puts on their rose colored glasses for the first month or two, post break up. Where NC really works is getting time away from the ex. You then get clarity of the relationship and the person. In most cases, you realize that the relationship wasn't that great and what you miss is the honeymoon phase of that relationship when everyone is on their best behavior. My last ex, I really LOVED. She was my first real GF/love after a long, horrible marriage. I let myself fall deeply in love w/her. After the honeymoon phase ended and she let me see her real self, I should of ran for the hills! I stayed in it hoping she'd return to the girl I first met. WE all know that doesn't happen. In my case, I was done w/her when she ended it. I still loved her but knew she wasn't going to change. I vanished from her life. Full NC, blocked her on everything. I dated a couple of months later and met my now GF. As can be the case, the ex reappeared 6 months later w/full blown dumpers remorse. She tried for months off/on to get me back even though I told her no. NC gave me the time away from her to really look at that relationship and her and realize it was toxic and she wouldn't change. It also allowed me to get over her where I could say NO THANKS when she wanted another chance.
Author imtrying211 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 What's difficult is that we seemed to have such a great relationship, right up until the day he left. We clicked right away, even the stupidest little things we had in common. We rarely argued, and when we did, it was over and done with quickly. He didn't change throughout the relationship, neither did I. What I think happened is he just wanted his old life back. He moved in with me pretty quickly, and left all of his friends, and what he was used to behind. Plus we had a 2+ hour commute to work each way, which left little time to have a life outside of work. He wasn't used to that, and I think it eventually got to be too much. When he was leaving he said that he thought this was what he wanted, but it wasn't anymore. I guess I can't really be mad at that, or maybe I'm just making excuses for him. The way I see it is that once his ex contacted him and said she had no hard feelings from their breakup, he saw this as his way out. That's what he does, jumps from relationship to relationship, probably in fear of being alone. He's a damaged person, but I looked past that, gave him a chance, and trusted him. Lesson learned I guess......
Recommended Posts