Nothisgirl Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Ugh. I'm in a predicament. Former mm and I were in an Intense affair that was so much more than sex. In fact actual sex was rare. We saw each other almost every day and we were deeply emotionally and spiritually connected. It's almost as of there is an electric current between us... Sounds crazy. I know. Anyways, a while ago I finally ended it and went nc. Deleted him on our messaging app and asked him not to call or email and for the most part he respected that. I got the odd call or message from him but I ignored it and he went away. We ran into each other occasionally as we live in a relatively small city and frequent the same spots ( which is how we met) but we were both respectful and would just wave or nod acknowledgement but still nc. When we went no contact I told him not to call or text me until he had signed separation papers and actually moved out So then, i met a guy. A single guy who for all intents and purposes is perfect (on paper) he's kind and stable and intelligent and most importantly he's really good to me and would do anything for me... We (in my opinion) have always lacked "chemistry" not sexual but emotional but we've talked about it and over the past year or so we fell in love and I was so happy. I think it was also just so nice to be with someone who doesn't have to hide Kwim? Fast fwd to a week ago. I got an email from mm. He's left. Papers are signed (copy included) and he's bought his own house. He stated he felt that I should know, that he felt wrong me not knowing and that he wants to get together to talk. I'm so confused now. The pull to him is so crazy. He was my best friend and he got me like no one else. We got each other. And now he's available and I'm not but I'm questioning my new relationship in a big way which makes me wonder if it's fair to stay with new guy even if mm and I don't get back together because I feel so guilty for having these feelings. Any help... Especially from those who've been here would be great...
adna89 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I personally would not do it and would stay with they boyfriend 2
RoseVille Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I'd end it with the new BF, and meet exMM to talk. Mutually exclusive events, however. Ending it with the new BF is not contingent in any way on what may or may not happen with exMM. I say that because emotional chemistry and intimacy is THE MOST important thing in a R, and if you don't have that... done. 5
GoldieLox Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 If you never got the call from your xAP about him being divorced... would you still be confused about your relationship? Ask yourself that, then go from there. 9
Author Nothisgirl Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 I'd end it with the new BF, and meet exMM to talk. Mutually exclusive events, however. Ending it with the new BF is not contingent in any way on what may or may not happen with exMM. I say that because emotional chemistry and intimacy is THE MOST important thing in a R, and if you don't have that... done. Which is exactly how I feel as well...but I also feel like there is so many other amazing things about new guy that maybe I'm being silly for thinking that intimacy (emotional) and the ability to "get" one another isn't as important as it is... Plus breaking up with new guy will be really hard because he will be really upset and I'm terrible with confrontation :/ If you never got the call from your xAP about him being divorced... would you still be confused about your relationship? Ask yourself that, then go from there. Absolutely. We have always lacked that intangible chemistry. Everyday conversations can be hard because we jut don't operate the same way... He's very cerebral and I'm more fun loving. I have talked to him about it... And he tries hard to "get" me but idk that we can connect that way because we are ao different. That said he has so many wonderful qualities and so I thought I was happy, would be happy. But now I'm second guessing everything. 1
GoldieLox Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Absolutely. We have always lacked that intangible chemistry. Everyday conversations can be hard because we jut don't operate the same way... He's very cerebral and I'm more fun loving. I have talked to him about it... And he tries hard to "get" me but idk that we can connect that way because we are ao different. That said he has so many wonderful qualities and so I thought I was happy, would be happy. But now I'm second guessing everything. As long as you were second guessing the relationship BEFORE xAP came back into the picture. Now, if you want to pursue the xAP, that's fine. Own house, divorce papers signed, I don't see what the issue is here. But please, break up with your boyfriend first. Don't get into another affair, don't keep him around incase the xAP doesn't work out... make a clean break. 12
minimariah Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I'd end it with the new BF, and meet exMM to talk. Mutually exclusive events, however. Ending it with the new BF is not contingent in any way on what may or may not happen with exMM. I say that because emotional chemistry and intimacy is THE MOST important thing in a R, and if you don't have that... done. same. end it with the BF -- you already said it yourself, there is something lacking. the MM is now available, meet with him, talk & see what happens from there. 2
Author Nothisgirl Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 As long as you were second guessing the relationship BEFORE xAP came back into the picture. Now, if you want to pursue the xAP, that's fine. Own house, divorce papers signed, I don't see what the issue is here. But please, break up with your boyfriend first. Don't get into another affair, don't keep him around incase the xAP doesn't work out... make a clean break. I wouldn't do that. I couldn't live that dual life again I guess I'm really battling between my head and my heart
Popsicle Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 In a stroke of luck xAP is single now. Go with him! 3
darkmoon Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) has mm said you are the only woman good enough to wear my ring? careful, is he lonely for anybody, and contacting other people? you are filling in gaps with your imaginaton, plz, take a good look at him, away from the oxytocin rush of a passionate love affair the boyf you now have, does he love you? i would stay with him, unlesss mm is ready for wife number two, you, and tells you all about it Edited June 1, 2015 by darkmoon
minimariah Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 also, OP -- be careful. i really believe you NEED to meet with the MM, no matter what the outcome will be. you're not done with him and i think you need to meet him to either continue with him OR to end it once forever. either way -- break up your current relationship. i'm sure the BF is treating you amazingly and that he's a great man but... that's not nearly enough if you don't feel connected or fulfilled with him. and once again - be careful. i'd recommend maybe reading other similar threads of other OWs who went on to have open relationships with their MM & hopefully, those ladies will post here, too -- just to give you some advice and let you know what can you expect, in an emotional sense. good luck! 2
Author Nothisgirl Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 has mm said you are the only woman good enough to wear my ring? or does he just want some sex? careful, is he lonely for anybody, and dialling other people? you are filling in gaps with your imaginaton, plz, take a good look at him, away from the oxytocin rush of a passionate love affair the boyf you now have, does he love you? i would stay with him, unlesss mm is ready for wife number two, you, and tells you all about it Like I said, sex was never what kept us in the a. In fact for the last part there was no sex. His exact words to me in his email were "I love you and you are what I want... I respect of I'm not what you want but I needed you to know I know what you deserve and I want to be the man to give that to you. I left my wife because it was long over due. And our time apart taught me that I really was doing it for the right reasons. I'm not asking for answers, I won't rush you but you need to know you are the only woman I want and need and I would like the opportunity to show you. Please meet me for a drink. My place, your place, somewhere public. Whatever you're most comfortable with" New guy loves me. Like crazy. And I have love for him too. Which is part of the confusion 3
norudder Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Two separate decisions to be handled as such. Hard to not let exmm influence that first one though. If you'll always feel something important to you is missing w bf, end it. Meeting w exmm, he better have some answers for you. I've given thought to the 'what if he does divorce'. I don't think I could give him a second chance but that's him. Your experience left you open to a second chance. Others may disagree but I would want some answers. Who filed and when, How does he feel being on his own/does he have a "life",what have you learned from the m ending (owning his part), why did he cheat, how does he feel about conflict, has he reevaluated his relationship values, /how will he prevent future affairs. Why does he think he deserves your awesomeness in his life. 4
Author Nothisgirl Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 also, OP -- be careful. i really believe you NEED to meet with the MM, no matter what the outcome will be. you're not done with him and i think you need to meet him to either continue with him OR to end it once forever. either way -- break up your current relationship. i'm sure the BF is treating you amazingly and that he's a great man but... that's not nearly enough if you don't feel connected or fulfilled with him. and once again - be careful. i'd recommend maybe reading other similar threads of other OWs who went on to have open relationships with their MM & hopefully, those ladies will post here, too -- just to give you some advice and let you know what can you expect, in an emotional sense. good luck! I feel that way too. That I need to know. We need to know. But I fully recognize that's not fair to new guy and I'm suck over how id end it... And feeling like I lead him on becAuse we had talked about a future and at the time I could see it too, I was willing to sacrifice that emotional connection (don't get me wrong, with new guy..I feel safe and loved but I don't feel understood or connected)but now...I don't think I can And yes Ty! I hope they post too 1
minimariah Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 New guy loves me. Like crazy. And I have love for him too. Which is part of the confusion okay. you got love for the new guy & you were happy with him. but you also said something was lacking -- what was it? what was it that you had with MM in the A, that you don't have with this dude? i do believe you love the BF and that you were happy with him but all of that got shaken up the moment the MM contacted you -- meaning, you aren't over him. maybe you WILL be. maybe, when you see the MM, you'll realize you are over him. you never know, that might happen. can you be honest with the BF, does he know your history with the MM? maybe taking a BREAK from a relationship, both of them -- isn't a bad idea. so you'll have time for yourself and kind of see where you are with both of them. 1
Popsicle Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Did you tell xMM that you have someone else now? Oh, the irony is killing me! Lol 1
GirlStillStrong Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 You are not married to new guy and xMM is not divorced from his wife. So, I say take it slow, don't make any rash decisions, don't jump into bed with anyone, and see how things work out. It's one thing to be in an affair with someone, emotional, physical, or otherwise. It is quite something else to be in a full-blown relationship with someone. I don't think you have to decide anything right away. 3
minimariah Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (don't get me wrong, with new guy..I feel safe and loved but I don't feel understood or connected) sorry, i missed this. okay, so you KNOW what was missing. that's important. be honest with the BF -- tell him that you love him and that you wish him the best, that he is making you happy but that someone else from your past appeared and that you realized your emotions for that other man aren't completely gone. either break up totally or tell him that you need a break in order to sort your feelings out and see how he feels about it. meet with MM AFTER you had the talk with the BF, please. don't do it behind the BF's back, let this be an exercise for you - learning to deal with problems in a healthy way. and take it slow with the MM. just take your time, no rush. 2
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 As long as you were second guessing the relationship BEFORE xAP came back into the picture. Now, if you want to pursue the xAP, that's fine. Own house, divorce papers signed, I don't see what the issue is here. But please, break up with your boyfriend first. Don't get into another affair, don't keep him around incase the xAP doesn't work out... make a clean break. ^^This. Please do not sneak off behind your boyfriends back and meet up with your exMM. Don't even meet him for coffee until you've broken up with your current boyfriend. Need to ask, how was the dynamic with you and (ex)MM? During and when it ended? Was he kind, considerate and respectful? Or was he a dickwad and mean, lie and play the cat/mouse game etc? Was he a friend, genuine and all during your A or was it all about him, his life and how he felt? Look at all the qualities in him, good, bad, quirks and all. I think you should come clean with your boyfriend and be honest that you're confused and even though you deeply care about him, you can't see a future with him. You feel a sexual connection but not an emotional one -- Your gut knows too and with that, that relationship with him won't last long. 1
Author Nothisgirl Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 okay. you got love for the new guy & you were happy with him. but you also said something was lacking -- what was it? what was it that you had with MM in the A, that you don't have with this dude? i do believe you love the BF and that you were happy with him but all of that got shaken up the moment the MM contacted you -- meaning, you aren't over him. maybe you WILL be. maybe, when you see the MM, you'll realize you are over him. you never know, that might happen. can you be honest with the BF, does he know your history with the MM? maybe taking a BREAK from a relationship, both of them -- isn't a bad idea. so you'll have time for yourself and kind of see where you are with both of them. New bf does not know about mm...I never told him Did you tell xMM that you have someone else now? Oh, the irony is killing me! Lol Yes he does and he stated he understands and will not push me and that if bf is who I want...he will respect that because he wants me to be happy. sorry, i missed this. okay, so you KNOW what was missing. that's important. be honest with the BF -- tell him that you love him and that you wish him the best, that he is making you happy but that someone else from your past appeared and that you realized your emotions for that other man aren't completely gone. either break up totally or tell him that you need a break in order to sort your feelings out and see how he feels about it. meet with MM AFTER you had the talk with the BF, please. don't do it behind the BF's back, let this be an exercise for you - learning to deal with problems in a healthy way. and take it slow with the MM. just take your time, no rush. This is the exact talk I need to have with him..Ty. I know it sounds cowardly but I'm terrified. Of hurting him and of making the wrong decision ^^This. Please do not sneak off behind your boyfriends back and meet up with your exMM. Don't even meet him for coffee until you've broken up with your current boyfriend. Need to ask, how was the dynamic with you and (ex)MM? During and when it ended? Was he kind, considerate and respectful? Or was he a dickwad and mean, lie and play the cat/mouse game etc? Was he a friend, genuine and all during your A or was it all about him, his life and how he felt? Look at all the qualities in him, good, bad, quirks and all. I think you should come clean with your boyfriend and be honest that you're confused and even though you deeply care about him, you can't see a future with him. You feel a sexual connection but not an emotional one -- Your gut knows too and with that, that relationship with him won't last long. Mm was never mean. A bit selfish at times during the A in that I don't think he understood the effect at the time on me but during the break up he was respectful. He pleaded and promised he was leaving her and begged me to stand by him but once I put my foot down he left me alone. He never through me under the bus to any of our mutual acquaintances and we did not have a dd. in all honestly he was my best friend during the affair. It was never really all about either one of us. He always tried to make sure I was ok and comfortable but there were things I just couldn't handle (being taken away for the night to be woken in the middle of the night because he had to "get home"-- he only did that once because I put my foot down) and once I set boundaries he respected them...tbh the last 7ish months of our A was a friendship more than anything..we just really love to be around each other. We finish sentences and we enjoy each other's company. Your right about new bf...thing is that I have made ****ty relationship decisions in the past and I'm terrified of making another mistake. Of letting my family down (new bf is an old family friend) and also of losing the security and comfort that comes with my relationship with new bf...that's the honest truth
awkward Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 1. Who filed the petition for divorce? Has xMM ever left his wife before? 2. If xMM goes back to his wife next month, would you regret ending it with your boyfriend? 3. What papers are signed? Divorce papers, separation papers? My advice is to continue your relationship with your boyfriend. If your emotional intimacy issues cannot be resolved then end it. However, I would not continue contact with XMM until your relationship is over and his divorce is final. 2
Arieswoman Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) OP, You say We (in my opinion) have always lacked "chemistry" not sexual but emotional but we've talked about it and over the past year or so we fell in love and I was so happy. then you say ;- Everyday conversations can be hard because we jut don't operate the same way... He's very cerebral and I'm more fun loving. I have talked to him about it... And he tries hard to "get" me but idk that we can connect that way because we are ao different. IMO this guy isn't right for you and I think it's your need for security that's keeping you there. Your MM isn't totally free yet, so i wouldn't rush back into any relationship with him either. Most affairs are built on fantasy and excitement (where the parties are only showing their best side) and don't survive the humdrum of everyday life. I would let your present boyfriend go so he can be free to find someone who is 100% into him. Be very wary of your exMM. Some men (and women) who come out of long-term relationships are just looking for someone to be a Bandaid while they get themselves sorted out. Don't allow yourself to be used. Spend some time alone and figure out what you really want. Good luck. Edited June 1, 2015 by Arieswoman 3
norudder Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I know it sounds cowardly but I'm terrified. Of hurting him and of making the wrong decision I'm terrified of making a(nother) mistake. Of letting my family down and also of losing the security and comfort that comes with my relationship You sound like a MM! Lol. Of course you aren't actually doing anything behind anyone's back its just the thought process, shows complexity of human relationships. 2
Hobbes' wagon Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Break up with the BF. Emotional connection is vital in a relationship and BOTH of you deserve to be with someone you emotionally connect and click with. While he might be hurt for a while, you'll be doing your BF a favour by breaking up with him. You say he's a wonderful man -> if so, he'll have little trouble finding someone with whom he'll be much more compatible and happy in the long-run.
loveboid Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 If you're this scared of breaking up with someone something's not right. I don't think this guy is right for you. If he loves you he will let you go. A very simple, honest breakup statement is, "I would rather be with other people." He cannot argue with that and it doesn't criticize him. He isn't owed an explanation. I would say it and leave quickly then go no contact.
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