What exactly is 'gaslighting?'

[ird]

I see this term a lot on LS and can't figure out what it's supposed to mean. Can someone give me examples of it, too?

[Satu]

It's nothing.

 

You're imagining it.

 

**********************************************************

 

"This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship."

 

Source here.

[sandylee1]

It's a form of mental torture, but when said in such forums, it's when someone (often a spouse) suspects something to be true and the other person, not only denies it, but pretty much tells their suspecting partner they are imagining it and it's all in their head.

 

Example. ... A husband suspected his wife was having an affair with a specific man. She denied it. He continued asking her over a period of almost a year, but she denied because he had no concrete evidence. Othello had extreme/ morbid jealousy.

 

She then told him he was so jealous, it was in his head and suggested he seek counseling. She found him a counsellor and actually told him he was suffering from 'Othello syndrome' and she felt like Desdemona (Othello's wife). Othello suspected his wife was having an affair and eventually killed her, but she was innocent.

 

The husband was right all along. It's mental cruelty, designed to make you feel like you've lost your mind.

 

It's something cheating spouses do very often to save their skin. Quite often, it's the gaslighting that really hurts the betrayed spouse.

[Gloria25]

I got a good one for ya....

 

Like me dealing with a recent dude/situation...

 

First time I caught him staring in my direction, he was like "oh no, not me" and like I have eyes, and I saw him...I'm not crazy.

 

And it goes on and on...I would tell more, but I'd have to give out more details and am holding back since the recent "TMI" thread...

 

Let's just say that he "mirrors" me a lot...yet, I bet ya if I dare say something to him about it, he'll revert to "oh no, not me, you are a crazy person..I don't like you, so go away"...

 

I mean, despite the mirroring, he has been rude/snappy with me at times - as if I was the plague...go figure.

 

From day one that I noticed him, I was like 'nah, this dude isn't interested in and/or attracted to you...don't give him the time of day cuz you'd become the laughing stock for him and his buddies'. Well, fast forward and yep, I have become a source of amusement for him.

[Popsicle]

See the movie. It's twisted!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Why didn't she just turn the lights up brighter when he wasn't looking?

 

 

Does this kind of crap actually work? My ex started trying to manipulate & other things, but I didn't let that crap go to far. Once I started seeing her true nature, I made an internal list of behaviors that were deal breakers for me. She quickly violated one & I stupidly let it slide. A bit later she violated another & I decided to take a month long working vacation from her to see what would happen. She did exactly what I expected her to do, which validated my decision to remove myself from her.

 

 

My point being is why would any rational person tolerate insane behavior from someone who supposedly loves them?

[Toodaloo]

Does this kind of crap actually work?

 

My point being is why would any rational person tolerate insane behavior from someone who supposedly loves them?

 

Yes it does and it works because its oh so subtle to start...

 

You tolerate the most insane things because by that point you think you are completely insane not to...

 

My ex did this... He actually thought it was fine to leave me dead/ dying and go paint balling for the weekend. Told me I was being "clingy" and "needy" when I pointed out it would have been nice for him to stick around or actually phone to find out if I was alive or not... Even now I still have this "thing" in the back of my head that says I should have just dealt with it and I was the one in the wrong for being so ill and causing him so much hassle... I mean how dare I die before cleaning the house and getting all of his stuff ready for work...

[cocorico]

 

 

My point being is why would any rational person tolerate insane behavior from someone who supposedly loves them?

 

Stockholm syndrome.

 

My H's xW used to do that. His family were gobsmacked.

[sandylee1]

Gaslighting is NOT the same as Stockholm syndrome, which occurs when someone in captivity becomes empathetic with their captors.

[sandylee1]

 

 

My point being is why would any rational person tolerate insane behavior from someone who supposedly loves them?

 

They don't realise they are being gaslight es and when you have master manipulators, it's difficult to see through.

 

In the example I gave, the woman would do nice things for her husband, complement him etc. Then going as far as to say he needs help, she'll stand by him, while he gets therapy.

 

You believe that you are going mad or overeacting . Some people go as far as turning up the oven, or switching the iron back on when you Know you switched it off. They wait till you leave the house and sneak back it to turn the alarm off, all to make you think you've lost it.

 

So if you say anything regarding suspicions, especially with affairs, you end up looking crazy. You wouldn't think someone you love would do this to you. In extreme cases, the victim ends up questioning their every move and losses confidence, so they really do appear crazy. The abuser then leaves them, citing the madness which they caused.

 

A man who worked with my dad this and got his wife sectioned. He swapped cooking oil for liquid soap, so the chips she was frying foamed up, he emptied the kids packed lunch boxes when she packed them and did many other things like this. Pure evil and all to get rid of her for his OW.

 

I often wonder how an OM/OW could be with such nasty people. Granted they may be unaware, but in this case the OW was in on it.

[TaraMaiden2]

Why didn't she just turn the lights up brighter when he wasn't looking?

You're missing the point.... Have you actually seen the film?

When a wife in that era was subject to her husband's whims - when you consider that it was perfectly legal for a man to turf his wife out onto the street without belongings, chattels or children - then it's perfectly reasonable to understand how he succeeded in manipulating her mind and controlling her sanity. Remember, the film was set in the 19th Century.

 

Does this kind of crap actually work? My ex started trying to manipulate & other things, but I didn't let that crap go to far.

I believe it might work more on women than on men because of the way our brains are wired, and the way some women are conditioned to believe that men rightly have more 'control' and 'authority' in a relationship.

I'm not saying that's either right or justified, but I think it may be a reasonable explanation...

 

Once I started seeing her true nature, I made an internal list of behaviors that were deal breakers for me. She quickly violated one & I stupidly let it slide. A bit later she violated another & I decided to take a month long working vacation from her to see what would happen. She did exactly what I expected her to do, which validated my decision to remove myself from her.

I think, eventually, most women do reach a point where there's a 'wake-up call'... it may take a little longer though.

 

 

My point being is why would any rational person tolerate insane behavior from someone who supposedly loves them?

For precisely the reason that they believe someone loves them, and would therefore obviously never do such a thing.

 

By the way, in the film, the wife (played by Ingrid Bergman) gets her revenge....

[elaine567]

Gaslighting

 

1. You're told something is normal that you can feel deep in your bones is not. Say your husband (or partner or boyfriend or even friend) does something you find strange. Like ask you to lie for him. You don't think this is right. You say so. He comes back with something like, "Every wife would do this. We're a team. I'm in trouble and I need you. I can't believe you don't think that this is normal. There is something wrong with you!"

2. You're told you are paranoid, too sensitive, or stressed out. Again, something strange happens. Your husband is seen out with a woman you don't know. You ask him about it. He has some vague explanation but then tops it off with, "Really, honey, you are totally paranoid to think I'd be cheating on you. Are you hormonal? Maybe you need to see a therapist."

3. You start to exhibit "crazy" behavior. You find yourself doing things that you couldn't imagine doing before you were with your man. Like questioning every time he goes out; accusing him of things that may or may not be true; going through the garbage to find "evidence" that he's lying to you again. You may find yourself desperately scouring the aisles of a grocery store, determined to get the right kind of pasta sauce so you don't "disappoint" him again, and end up having a meltdown when you find they're out of Classico.

4. You mistrust your perceptions. You're constantly being told that what you're seeing, hearing, feeling isn't what you're seeing, hearing, feeling. You tell a joke at a party and everyone laughs, but your husband later tells you you weren't funny. You look in the mirror and see someone who is thin, but he tells you you've gained weight. You've always thought you were smart, but somehow with your husband, you always feel dumb.

5. You begin to accept his perceptions, even though they don't seem true. You were at a restaurant with your husband and struck up a quick conversation with the waiter. Your husband tells you were being flirtacious. "Was I being flirtacious?" you ask yourself, even though that wasn't your intention at all. "I must have been and don't realize it." You ask what you think is a reasonable question only to be told you are harping. "Am I harping?" you think. "Maybe I am a nag."

6. You start to feel like your memory is terrible. Your husband is always saying something to the effect of, "I never said that, did that, promised that," to things you're pretty certain he said, did, or promised. He might tell you that he "never" gets on Facebook, but when you see him on Facebook and mention it, he says, "I didn't say I never went on Facebook. I just hardly go on it." Then you see him on it the next day. And the next.

7. You start to feel like your spouse has a terrible memory. You can have a deep conversation one night about something important to you, only to have your spouse say later, "We never talked about that," "I definitely never said that," or "Did you dream this?" You might get tempted to record conversations just so you can keep them straight.

8. You start lying. In order to avoid all of the mental abuse you'll know you'll get if you say a, b, or c, you start to lie. You were never a liar in the past. You don't lie to other people.

9. You begin to think you're crazy. You have thoughts like, "Maybe he's right and I'm just totally overreacting. I am always overreacting," or "There must be something wrong with me that I'm always on him about stupid things."

10. Depression. The end stage of being gaslighted is that you feel depressed, anxious, unsure, and hopeless. Does he care or not care? Are you oversensitive or do you have a right to complain? You end up getting so confused and disoriented that you check out into depression.

Every couple has miscommunications, and everyone hears or sees things sometimes that they misconstrue, but if you are frequently experiencing the above symptoms, you are likely being gaslighted.

 

[Arieswoman]

CB,

My point being is why would any rational person tolerate insane behavior from someone who supposedly loves them?

 

Because it doesn't come over as "insane behaviour" it seems totally rational.

 

When my exH was cheating I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was.

 

I asked him point-blank if he was cheating and his response was words to the effect of,

"How can you accuse me of that, do you really think I am so stupid as to risk my marriage for an affair? I've seen blokes at work do it and seen all the problems it causes. Do you really think so little of me? You're making me think it was a mistake to marry you, you seem to be neurotic or something."

 

So that's how it works. Persuading the BS that they are imagining it, that it's all in their head, that they are illogical and have a mental health problem.

 

When I found out he was cheating it was the biggest relief ever, as I then knew that I wasn't stupid, neurotic, a fantasist or loosing my mind after all.

 

As sandylee1 says, it wasn't so much the cheating that hurt me but the lying and gaslighting/screwing with my head.

 

That's why on DD I smacked him in the mouth pretty hard. Not a good way to behave, I grant you, but it made me feel a hell of a lot better...

[BlueIris]

CB,

 

 

Because it doesn't come over as "insane behaviour" it seems totally rational.

 

When my exH was cheating I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was.

 

I asked him point-blank if he was cheating and his response was words to the effect of,

"How can you accuse me of that, do you really think I am so stupid as to risk my marriage for an affair? I've seen blokes at work do it and seen all the problems it causes. Do you really think so little of me? You're making me think it was a mistake to marry you, you seem to be neurotic or something."

 

So that's how it works. Persuading the BS that they are imagining it, that it's all in their head, that they are illogical and have a mental health problem.

 

When I found out he was cheating it was the biggest relief ever, as I then knew that I wasn't stupid, neurotic, a fantasist or loosing my mind after all.

 

As sandylee1 says, it wasn't so much the cheating that hurt me but the lying and gaslighting/screwing with my head.

That's why on DD I smacked him in the mouth pretty hard. Not a good way to behave, I grant you, but it made me feel a hell of a lot better...

 

Yes!

 

Also, Satu’s description is perfect. It's so simple and yet so insidious.

 

Just to comment, though… gaslighting is really the very worst thing that my Crazy Ex used to do.

 

(It’s mean to call him Crazy Ex, I know, but that’s what I call him. One of his recurring claims was that I was crazy and I went to therapists to fix my crazy ole self, over and over, so it’s kind of tongue in cheek with smidge of Towanda:

)

 

I can only say why I didn’t just up and leave when he gaslighted: Because it was inconceivable to me that anyone would do that! Of course I thought he was sincere and honest! It was a basic premise of relationship with me. It was confusing all around.

 

Sure, sometimes people aren’t fully honest or perceive things differently. He and I came from different backgrounds and I wanted to understand him. Even when basic facts were disputed, I was confused and then pondered if I was misinterpreting things. Was I being unfair, overly emotional, self-deceptive, just not understanding his point of view?

 

And that’s the way they get into your head. You take responsibility for fixing it, for understanding. There really are people that trusting and people who have not been around liars and manipulators.

 

Crazy Ex would tell me that he hadn’t said and done things I’d clearly remember his saying and doing. I’d never encountered anything like this, and I was ~42-43. So I’d trot off to therapist #whatever because Crazy Ex said I was nuts and I truly was worried about my memory and perception, and thought it might be the cultural gulf, maybe a communication issue. They each said I wasn’t nuts, BUT this man I loved and trusted said I was, and he was there when misunderstandings or conflicts occurred, so, he must be at least partially right- right?

 

Finally, one suggested that I record some of our conversations so she and I could figure out what the problem was. I told him I had to find out what was wrong and why we had these recurring misunderstandings and disputes over simple stuff, like what restaurant we’d go to on Saturday and I put a recorder on the kitchen table as we started to discuss a recurring issue. He smashed the recorder. Well, that answered that! This wasn't about confusion at all!