David_MO Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Hi loveshack forum-folk, I've never posted anything ever anywhere, but need help and man, from what I've read, the loveshack community is so caring and helpful. I should have sought out advice ages ago. I've been seeing my SO for nearly 5 years now, we met while in graduate school getting our PhD's. The SO's got potent OCD, such that I can't touch or use some things in the space we're living in (it spreads into my apartment during long visits), and there's occasional (every week or two) panic-attack-breakdowns where the desire for suicide/leaving to live alone forever comes up. On top of that, while I've gone on to a pretty good career after my PhD, the SO's been unemployed for 3 years now, and living off of the family/myself. There's a lot of anger and depression issues keeping my SO from applying for jobs and finding therapy; being uninsured makes it very difficult to get help. I'm not sure if I owe it to them to continue to stick it out since we've been together so long, but I feel a complex mix of guilty, indebted, love, and resentment that I just don't know what to do with. Does it get better? I try to be there to help but I can't physically send out job applications for this person all day, or take them to therapy and pay the bills for both of us forever. But maybe a job will come along and my sweet SO will snap out of it and we can live happily ever after? Thanks guys. ~D
mapofyourhead Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Hey David, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. Even though you say the breakdowns are "occasional," thoughts of suicide every week or two are alarming, even if they are only thoughts. I can't tell if your SO has any history of depression (or being bipolar) based on what you said, but first and foremost I would be concerned with getting help for them if possible. You mention therapy, but have they actually been to therapy? As for your relationship, it definitely won't magically get better on its own. You certainly can't continue being a caretaker for your SO if you want to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. What it comes down to is determining what is causing your SO's anger and depression and work on that, and that might be your first step before considering whether the relationship is worth continuing.
Gary S Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I hate to break it too you but people with mental problems don't always make the best relationship material... particularly when they refuse therapy and meds. Love is not enough. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Hi loveshack forum-folk, I've never posted anything ever anywhere, but need help and man, from what I've read, the loveshack community is so caring and helpful. I should have sought out advice ages ago. I've been seeing my SO for nearly 5 years now, we met while in graduate school getting our PhD's. The SO's got potent OCD, such that I can't touch or use some things in the space we're living in (it spreads into my apartment during long visits), and there's occasional (every week or two) panic-attack-breakdowns where the desire for suicide/leaving to live alone forever comes up. On top of that, while I've gone on to a pretty good career after my PhD, the SO's been unemployed for 3 years now, and living off of the family/myself. There's a lot of anger and depression issues keeping my SO from applying for jobs and finding therapy; being uninsured makes it very difficult to get help. I'm not sure if I owe it to them to continue to stick it out since we've been together so long, but I feel a complex mix of guilty, indebted, love, and resentment that I just don't know what to do with. Does it get better? I try to be there to help but I can't physically send out job applications for this person all day, or take them to therapy and pay the bills for both of us forever. But maybe a job will come along and my sweet SO will snap out of it and we can live happily ever after? Thanks guys. ~D You cannot "fix" anyone. They have to want to do it. Even if you paid for the therapy, they still have to want it. That being said, if you don't want to end things, what you can do is attend therapy for yourself in order to learn how to manage things and how to help them move forward. It's still a difficult process, but at least you'll feel some sense of ability to help. Right now you're feeling helpless I'd say. Five years is a long time and it's a committed relationship. So, you're also committed to doing whatever you can to keep it together. Your partner is not in an emotional position right now to do that actively. What you need to do now, is be adamant with him. He needs a little kick in the ass to motivate him at least to the point of being able to do at least the minimum for himself. His family needs to be involved as well. He is living off of you and them. I'd remove the financial support as soon as possible. I realize you live together. I'd get myself another place to live at least until he starts pulling it together. Or suggest that he find another place to live. This is a get tough situation for you really, more than for him, but in the end, it should motivate him enough to get tough with himself. Handling him with kid gloves for three years is enabling.
davidromero43 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Significant other unemployed, depressed with OCDI bet your place is spotless! If you have suffered for 5 years. It is time to tell them to get help, and save yourself. You can try to suffer another 3 years, while they get help, and possibly end up with a good relationship. Or you can lower the lifeboat and start heading for shore.
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