Where to go from here?

[xpaperxcutx]

So my relationship with the 23-year old ended. I wasn't a bad girlfriend to him at all, but he told me that we were like robots interacting with each other with no intimacy, and he didn't know how to go about escalating the relationship; it was better off for us not to wasting each other's times.

 

I don't understand why he was in a rush? Yes he is 3-years my junior but I gave him the benefit of the doubt of handling a mature relationship. We started dating at the end of April and we only see each other once a week. I agreed to a title between us because a title means exclusivity and I don't have a mindset of dating others. I did everything a good girlfriend was supposed to do- I was attentive and caring and most of all, I didn't give him drama. He's the one who has had more relationships than me, but his relationships were all from high school, with no real substances.

 

Do relationships all need to revolve around sex (so early on)? I'm just not down for sleeping around like that. It wasn't that I wasn't intimate with him- I hold hands, hug, and kiss him. So why is does he feel the need to escalate it further? Also, I was still upset about his behavior in my last post, but I gave him another chance to prove that he's someone that I can have a good relationship with.

 

I'm not going to fight him on his decision, especially since he decided to do it over Skype. His immaturity about his needs not being met is a turn-off all on its own.

 

I feel like I have a more mature mentality,,yet most people think that because I'm only 25, that I really shouldn't view myself as better than a 23-year old. I do have very mature friends who are 23 years old, in fact one of my friends and an ex coworker is 23. But she's always been independent, had went to college and lives on her own. This guy haven't finished college and all he cares about are video games, guitars and skateboards.

 

So now, I'm just moving on. But I also don't know whether I should focus on being single or just date other people? I really want a mature relationship with a guy who has goals and can view me as the girl who supported him through his hardships. How do I go about that?

[TaraMaiden2]

Sex is the difference between a friendship and a relationship.

 

It's like discussing the difference between a pillow and a cushion.

You were set on cushion.

He wanted pillow.

That's nothing to do with maturity. That has everything to do with exclusivity and couple status.

 

Inevitably, relationships do revolve around sex, yes, of course they do.

Otherwise they're not a relationship, unless you are both in happy agreement.

 

He obvioulsy wasn't, but that's not to say that simply because he disagreed with your decision, he's automatically immature or to blame.

 

You're incompatible.

 

That's it.

[xpaperxcutx]

Sex is the difference between a friendship and a relationship.

 

It's like discussing the difference between a pillow and a cushion.

You were set on cushion.

He wanted pillow.

That's nothing to do with maturity. That has everything to do with exclusivity and couple status.

 

Inevitably, relationships do revolve around sex, yes, of course they do.

Otherwise they're not a relationship, unless you are both in happy agreement.

 

He obvioulsy wasn't, but that's not to say that simply because he disagreed with your decision, he's automatically immature or to blame.

 

You're incompatible.

 

That's it.

 

Taramaiden,

 

The fact that he decided to breakup with me over Skype is very immature. One minute we're talking about each other's day, the next he tells me he is bored and that we're wasting each other's time. We only been together for one month- he basically stated that the past month was a waste for us because he was not able to "escalate" this relationship. He was not referencing that he doesn't see a future with me but referencing the fact that because I haven't been affectionate in wanting to have sex, therefore it's a waste of both of our times.

 

It isn't like we don't date. I would take us out and pay for date I am a great catch and I know for a fact that initially he was attracted to me because of my looks. But he never looked past the physical to think that I don't want to sleep with him until I'm sure that this relationship has progressed to a certain point. But he didn't want to understand. He doesn't see past the whole "relationship needs sex" issue, or the fact that waiting is a good thing.

 

And he agreed with me that I had wanted to take it slow from the beginning. He decided to rewrite the rules and throw it back at me saying I'm the one with the issues.

[TaraMaiden2]

Taramaiden,

 

The fact that he decided to breakup with me over Skype is very immature.

Not really. Nowadays it's practically the norm. So many people break up with texts, you should actually be grateful that at least he was looking you in the eye and speaking to you, even if it was remotely.

 

One minute we're talking about each other's day, the next he tells me he is bored and that we're wasting each other's time. We only been together for one month- he basically stated that the past month was a waste for us because he was not able to "escalate" this relationship. He was not referencing that he doesn't see a future with me but referencing the fact that because I haven't been affectionate in wanting to have sex, therefore it's a waste of both of our times.

Well he was right. It was a waste of his time, because the relationship wasn't going where he would have liked it to go, and it was a waste of your time, because he realised that what you wanted, wasn't what he wanted.

 

It isn't like we don't date. I would take us out and pay for date I am a great catch and I know for a fact that initially he was attracted to me because of my looks.

Beauty is only skin deep. And I'm sorry, but to him, you weren't a great catch at all. You were a big sister.

 

But he never looked past the physical to think that I don't want to sleep with him until I'm sure that this relationship has progressed to a certain point. But he didn't want to understand. He doesn't see past the whole "relationship needs sex" issue, or the fact that waiting is a good thing.

Why is it 'a good thing'....? Because you say so?

 

What 'certain point'? How was he to know when or where this 'certain point' was? Wasn't he half of the relationship? Or did it all have to go your way?

What would you have been prepared to compromise on?

 

 

And he agreed with me that I had wanted to take it slow from the beginning. He decided to rewrite the rules and throw it back at me saying I'm the one with the issues.

How long were you actually intending to 'take it slow' for...?

Did you give him any kind of timeline? Or did you leave it hanging?

 

He didn't re-write the rules at all.

YOU wrote the rules.

He decided they were too vague, and loaded all on your side to consider them fair.

I think actually, he behaved in a very mature way, myself....

[xpaperxcutx]

Not really. Nowadays it's practically the norm. So many people break up with texts, you should actually be grateful that at least he was looking you in the eye and speaking to you, even if it was remotely.

 

 

Well he was right. It was a waste of his time, because the relationship wasn't going where he would have liked it to go, and it was a waste of your time, because he realised that what you wanted, wasn't what he wanted.

 

Beauty is only skin deep. And I'm sorry, but to him, you weren't a great catch at all. You were a big sister.

 

Why is it 'a good thing'....? Because you say so?

 

What 'certain point'? How was he to know when or where this 'certain point' was? Wasn't he half of the relationship? Or did it all have to go your way?

What would you have been prepared to compromise on?

 

 

How long were you actually intending to 'take it slow' for...?

Did you give him any kind of timeline? Or did you leave it hanging?

 

He didn't re-write the rules at all.

YOU wrote the rules.

He decided they were too vague, and loaded all on your side to consider them fair.

I think actually, he behaved in a very mature way, myself....

 

I wrote the rules and he agreed. If it were up to him I'm sure he would've wanted sex on the 2nd date. I never hid from him about what I wanted from this relationship and if sex were to happen, it would've happened after 2-3 months. That was the only way I'd been comfortable with opening up myself completely.

 

Maybe this is irrelevent but he lost his phone recently. In all this time he hasn't bothered to reach out to me. Most of the time it has been checking up on him and worrying about him. He doesn't value the fact that I cared about him.

 

I do not know why you feel the need to attack me. I'm not a prude. We both live in our respective homes with our parents, so I don't see how we could've had sex anyways. I told him I wouldn't mind visiting his house provided it means meet his parents, as opposed to popping back to his place in the middle of the night for a sleepover. I was the one who dated him and interacted with him enough to have a reason to call him immature.

[TaraMaiden2]

Whoa, I'm not attacking you! I'm at best, curious as to what exactly the whole situation hinged on, and at worst, playing devil's advocate.

I haven't once said I disagreed with you, not have I condemned your train of thought.

But I've proposed alternative thoughts to the immaturity you're ascribing to him.

 

Frankly, he tried it, and found it wasn't to his liking.

What you want and what he wanted turned out to be different. He tried, and then decided it wasn't for him.

Just as a woman has the freedom to change her mind, so does the male. That doesn't make them immature, that just puts them on a different page.

 

Analysis and criticism will frankly, get you nowhere, sadly.

The fact is - it didn't work.

It had nothing to do with age, maturity or anything else, it was simply a decision which you made, and which backfired because he couldn't meet the deal.

[xpaperxcutx]

Whoa, I'm not attacking you! I'm at best, curious as to what exactly the whole situation hinged on, and at worst, playing devil's advocate.

I haven't once said I disagreed with you, not have I condemned your train of thought.

But I've proposed alternative thoughts to the immaturity you're ascribing to him.

 

Frankly, he tried it, and found it wasn't to his liking.

What you want and what he wanted turned out to be different. He tried, and then decided it wasn't for him.

Just as a woman has the freedom to change her mind, so does the male. That doesn't make them immature, that just puts them on a different page.

 

Analysis and criticism will frankly, get you nowhere, sadly.

The fact is - it didn't work.

It had nothing to do with age, maturity or anything else, it was simply a decision which you made, and which backfired because he couldn't meet the deal.

Beauty is only skin deep. And I'm sorry, but to him, you weren't a great catch at all. You were a big sister.

 

I may have miscontrued what you wrote. I'm not a model, but in terms of where I want to go in life, I think I would make a good partner. So yes, in this way, I am a great catch, but I seem to always attract the wrong guys.

 

I tried to overlook his age and that's why I agreed to a relationship with him. I treated him like I would treat one of my peers- with respect and understanding. I overlooked our differences because we do share similar hobbies and interests and I periodically checked in with him with a call or text ( all of this were before he lost his phone).

 

I'm not hurt by the breakup because it seems we are incompatible. I wasn't wasting his time, after all, it's only been one month and there could've been more time for us to get closer. I wanted to get closer to him but at same time we both have other responsibilities that cannot be sidestepped.

[MissBee]

Sex is the difference between a friendship and a relationship.

 

It's like discussing the difference between a pillow and a cushion.

You were set on cushion.

He wanted pillow.

That's nothing to do with maturity. That has everything to do with exclusivity and couple status.

 

Inevitably, relationships do revolve around sex, yes, of course they do.

Otherwise they're not a relationship, unless you are both in happy agreement.

 

He obvioulsy wasn't, but that's not to say that simply because he disagreed with your decision, he's automatically immature or to blame.

 

You're incompatible.

 

That's it.

 

 

This isn't accurate. People say this all the time but it's not really true.

 

Romantic feelings are what differentiate friendships from relationships, not sex.

 

You can have sex with people you aren't in a relationship with and don't even have romantic feelings for. Example: friends with benefits and boots calls. Are they in a relationship because they had sex?

 

Likewise you can be in a relationship and have romantic feelings for someone and not have sex. Example, those who wait to have sex until marriage or are in a long distance relationship. Are they not in a relationship just because sex hasn't occurred?

 

Romantic feelings are what make the difference between platonic and non-platonic, not the act of sex . it's about how you feel rather than the act of sex which can be devoid of any feelings beyond horniness.

Edited May 31, 2015 by MissBee

[spiderowl]

I suppose if you were denying any physical contact, his pride would have been hurt because he would like to think he is attractive to you. Kissing, holding hands and expressing desire to be more when the time is right would have given him some idea it was not going to be purely platonic forever.

 

That said, he was young and impatient. I don't think a guy who is serious would write off a relationship. He might want it to progress rapidly, yes, but to write it off without talking and working through any issues is childish.

[xpaperxcutx]

I suppose if you were denying any physical contact, his pride would have been hurt because he would like to think he is attractive to you. Kissing, holding hands and expressing desire to be more when the time is right would have given him some idea it was not going to be purely platonic forever.

 

That said, he was young and impatient. I don't think a guy who is serious would write off a relationship. He might want it to progress rapidly, yes, but to write it off without talking and working through any issues is childish.

 

He has his little insecurities.

 

We have a common friend whom I talk to with a lot and he thinks it was wrong of me to talk to him. I told him if he got a new phone, I would be messaging him more. He's been without a phone for over a week and a half. I haven't done anything to make him doubt me.

 

I'm just like whatever at this point.

[minimariah]

Not really. Nowadays it's practically the norm.

 

oh, come on. even if it is the norm (which it isn't) -- it's still immature, avoidant & disrespectful.

 

So many people break up with texts, you should actually be grateful that at least he was looking you in the eye and speaking to you, even if it was remotely.

 

grateful...? you're seriously telling her to be grateful because she was treated like a decent human being with emotions...? no, she shouldn't feel gratitude for another person treating her with respect because that's the way it SHOULD be, THAT'S the norm, that's the minimum. & we have to stop acting like it's a 9th wonder of the world when someone decides to be mature, respectful and kind.

 

OP - he tried it with you and probably hoped you'll eventually change your mind & have sex with him sooner. there is a slight component of sex-shame going on in your posts (sleeping with someone you're in a relationship with is NOT really sleeping around) -- that being said, dodge dudes who find sex important (as to having it on the 2nd date) IMMEDIATELY. you have your own opinions on sex and find someone who thinks like you. if you see a dude isn't of the same mindset, walk away. many have the same mindset as you, so many dudes out there you'll be compatible with -- no worries.

 

move on & choose more carefully next time.

[xpaperxcutx]

Did you tell him 2-3 months or did you just say you wanted to take things slow? He probably felt like you were never going to do it and decided he was tired of waiting for something that may not actually happen.

No I didn't tell him. But I told him before we became exclusive I want to take things slow. A grown man would understand and not push it.

 

 

Kids living at home have been having sex for ages. When there is a will, there is a way.

Exactly, he's a kid. I'm 25 going on 26. I live at home right now because where I live it's too expensive to move out. And I'm trying to finish college. It's my parents' house and I would never bring a guy home. As for him, I would think he has the same kind of house rules. I mean I would never go to his house like that.

 

 

Then why bother posting? Anytime someone is not hurt by a break up then it was obviously the right move.

I'm not crying, but it does sting a little since its the third break-up wherein I've been dumped.

 

 

So he's an insecure guy and you talk about your relationship with a guy friend? Most guys, especially insecure ones, won't like you talking about your relationship with another guy.

 

I talk to our friend only on the weekend when I'm bored at home. And usually it's simply us trying to catch up on what happened to each other during the week. My guy got jealous for no reason despite me telling him I am a very loyal person. I would talk to him more if he hadn't had his phone stolen. He got upset at him that I was talking to our friend.

Edited June 1, 2015 by xpaperxcutx

[xpaperxcutx]

A lot of guys might get a little pushy about it. If you expect them to be patient with you, then you might have to be patient with them. I remember being 19 and walking around with an erection 90% of the time. If my GF did not want to have sex, I'd have been an angry dude.

I was patient with him. Even after he offended me (in my last post, he threw a tantrum saying there was something wrong with me because I'm not someone who wants to send nude photos) I didn't say anything to break up with him. I was upset at the way he treated me, but I gave the benefit of the doubt yet again, thinking he would understand me.

 

 

Why do you keep insisting that he is a kid? You don't seem to be any further along in life than he is. No need to insult someone when you break up.

I'm not insulting him, but the way he thinks reminds me of a kid. I meant his mentality is like that of a kid.

 

 

You need to find someone who feels the same way you do on this. There is no right or wrong, there is just what you want. To avoid these problems, look for a guy that also wants to take things slow, and is not just agreeing with you and probably hoping slow means sex on the 3rd date.

 

I have to. Everyone around me told me to give him a chance and I did. But he's choosing to break up with me over the fact that I'm unwilling to be intimate after barely a month.

[Els]

Are you certain he means 'sex', when he says there is no 'intimacy'? There is a huge spectrum between 'no intimacy/like robots' and bumping privates. As I said in your previous thread, I think you made the right choice to wait for sex, but from the way you talked about HIM (even in a non-sexual context) it did sound somewhat... robotic. There was very little enthusiasm and you mentioned that you weren't aroused by the thought of him. Is it possible that you might have been lukewarm about the R and he picked up on that?

 

That being said, breaking up via Skype is hugely immature (assuming there had been the opportunity to meet up IRL without too much traveling time), so perhaps you might have dodged a bullet on this one.

[sandylee1]

These days guys want sex a lot earlier than a month. I agree that if it's not going his way, it's a waste of his time.

 

You need someone who'll want to take it as slowly as you do. At your age of 26, he probably thought you were more experienced and would be ready to sleep with him sooner.

 

I would examine if all your break ups are for this reason.

[xpaperxcutx]

These days guys want sex a lot earlier than a month. I agree that if it's not going his way, it's a waste of his time.

 

You need someone who'll want to take it as slowly as you do. At your age of 26, he probably thought you were more experienced and would be ready to sleep with him sooner.

 

I would examine if all your break ups are for this reason.

 

I guesd guys dont want nice girls but people who are ready to sleep with them in a heartbeat.

[TaraMaiden2]

I guesd guys dont want nice girls but people who are ready to sleep with them in a heartbeat.

 

Being a 'nice girl' has nothing to do with it.

I know 'nice girls' who HAVE slept with guys in a heartbeat. That doesn't indicate whether they are 'nice' or not.

 

What you have to understand is that having a physical desire is not a bad, negative or undesirable trait.

I have found (even on this forum) that unless a man is particularly religious, sex is of an importance to them, that seems excessive to women.

 

Men like sex. They equate it as being a significant part of a relationship.

Women like affection, communication and connection.

THEN, sex.

 

When I worked in Counselling, and assisted in the pre-marital workshops, part of the programme consisted of listing things in priority.

 

Couples were given identical work-books, and in their paperwork, they had a list of things considered important in a relationship.

 

They were then given a duplicate list, but cut into strips, each strip bearing an item on the list.

 

They were then asked to separate from their partner, and compile the list in the order they felt most important, and to prioritise them.

 

Women invariably put affection, security, children, peace of mind at the top.

 

And equally invariably, men would put sex, money and success at the top.

 

Neither list was wrong.

Both lists needed studying and discussion, to unite the two peoples' thoughts on why each person had chosen those items as priority.

 

But the same thing cropped up every time: Neither partner was aware of the others' priorities.

They had always 'assumed' that being in a relationship, and being in Love, they would want the same things.

 

Women and Men ARE different.

That doesn't make either one better, superior or more mature.

 

But this is why Communication - not just transmitting 'Rules' - is important.

 

You thought you'd made yourself quite clear. Perhaps, in your mind, you had.

In his mind, abstention turned out to be a waste of both his time and yours.

 

Because it transpired, during this discussion, that you really hadn't been as openly communicative with him as you had originally given the impression you had been.

 

'Taking it slow' means different things to different people. But unless you give a time-frame, or take their feelings, opinions and wishes into consideration, then this isn't communication. It's making demands and leaving the other person out in limbo....

 

But yes, sex is a more important factor for men than it is for women, and I think that's down to biology, not immaturity.

Sex is an impulse.

Mental maturity is partly an emotional factor.

 

we make the mistake of putting too much emotion into sex.

 

Sex is primal. It's procreative and a natural function of being an animal, a mammal, a human.

We then pile on all this extraneous matter, like feelings, emotions, love, connection, and think the two are mutually exclusive.

They're not.

 

People can still experience sex without an emotional factor.

People still have strong emptions without having sex.

It's a mistake to presume that simply because someone wants sex and 'you' don't, that makes them emotionally immature.