Hi I'm new and need a lot of insight into my situation.

[Mom4]

You are welcome! I feel like you already know the stuff that everyone else is saying to you. I believe that you are a good person caught up in a tough situation ( that you put yourself in ) Hang tough! Divorce rate is now over 50% and the A rate is even higher. It happens... it isn't right but it happens. I think you need to hang your head high and let go of MM. Try having a heart to heart with your H about what the two of you can do together. If it's a little change you want in him, take him shopping, send him for a make-over and a massage. Go together and get one. When I opened up the dialogue with my H after being unhappy for so many years it's like having an entire new guy in the house. My problem is that I am trying to warm up to him. A lot of water under the bridge. Don't get to a crisis mode. Take the same time wasting energy you were using for the A and make your marriage YOUR project and try to have fun with it. See where it goes. I want to hear back from you in awhile and see what direction you are going. Remember too, it's also about loving yourself. I take great care of myself... I am 35 but people always think I am 25 or younger . Stay fit, do fun things, enjoy your friendships, love those babies, and make plans with your H. Take Care

[SweetSerenity]

Oh I take complete care of myself. A few years back I weighed a lot of weight and my husband was always telling me that it wasn't a problem. I took it all off and now weigh 115 again and am 30 but look 20. I stay fit and eat properly now and I look pretty good in my opinion. Has he complimented once since losing all the weight and becoming attractive again. Nope. All the guys he works with thinks I"m hot, but my h never says so. I guess it was just a flattering thing for me to find that someone else thinks I'm real hot and well it ends today. I will certainly let you know how things progress. I will have that heart to heart tonight. That will be my problem as well. Warming back up to him and getting those passionate loving feelings back. I mean I'm in love with my H but its more like a friendly love and not a couple love. Know what I mean?

[jade_nc]

i've been in your position too.....not trying to bash, just trying to get you to think about the real issues.

 

i don't agree with your decision not to tell him. how does he know what to work on with you to fix the marriage if he's living in the dark about the severity of the problem?

 

what good can come from telling him? - first, you won't be rebuilding a relationship based on lies and deceit. second, already stated above. third, if you don't come clean with him and work on the real issues at hand and the severity of those issues, history is bound to repeat itself. what happens the next time you get bored? last, he has the right to decide whether or not HE wants to be married to someone who isn't trustworthy. you lost that right when you decided to fulfill your needs outside the marriage.

[Mom4]

I know what you mean!! I am not attracted to my husband at all.... I think about him during the day but when he comes home I am reminded that I am still not attracted to him. Were you ever attracted to your husband ! The things that attracted me to my husband have been burned along the way over the last 10 years. I so want there to be a connection. My youngest will be 2 tomorrow, and I have a 4, 7, and 10 year old.

 

I would love for someone to comment on how they were able to find their spouse attractive and desirable again.

 

 

Hope you are feeling better !

[SweetSerenity]

First of all, I am not going to tell him no matter what. No good can come from telling him and the issues are still there and can be explained in plain detail without noting the affair on top. I am not going to go into that. No amount of what you're saying to me can change that or anyone else. Secondly I am very trustworthy, this was my first A and will be my last. It is amazing to me how much people bash other people for doing what they do. You ever heard that old saying "let he who is sin free cast the first stone?". I mean honestly. When some of you people tell these other people to tell their spouses what happened you're contributing to the breakdown of the marriage. I can tell you now it is something that I will put behind me and never look back on. My MM just text me just now to say that his wife is home ill today, today is his day off work so we were to get together, and that I shouldn't call or text that he would call me in two hours to meet up. I'm going to meet up with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that its over. I am going to work on my marriage and I can still explain to my H what we need to work on and how we could be closer. I don't need to hurt him by telling him all the sordid details of my affair.

[SweetSerenity]

Yeah same problem here. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and if you do the math that means that I've been married since I was 16. Not out of pregnancy. I never got pregnant til I was 19. I have two children, my daughter is 4 and my son is 10. I am somewhat attracted to my husband but not overly. What did attract me back when I first met him doesn't anymore. The warming up phase is gonna take a long time. I will sit him down tonight and see what we can discuss. Another thing about my husband is that he has a hard time showing any emotional side to him, but thats because of his own family faults. I won't go into that here either. He is a great person, like I've stated so many times. He works, takes care of his kids, provides but he forgets that all that is well and good but unless you have some kind of romantic passionate correspondence and attraction that it doesn't matter. It is hard. I think about him during the day as well and just like you when he comes in I'm still not attracted to him all that overly much. Though I know deep down that I love him a lot.

[HoldOn]

Did you ladies notice when you first started to think your husbands were unattractive? What happened? Did you just let it slide? I am just wondering, so I can prevent.

[Mom4]

I have a meeting right now but I will fill you in as much as I can later today!

[whichwayisup]

I would love for someone to comment on how they were able to find their spouse attractive and desirable again.

 

Communication. Time alone.

 

Get someone to take your kids for the week! If a week can't be arranged then do a weekend getaway. Spend some real ALONE time without phones, kids etc...Shut out LIFE and just be completely alone.

 

I bet that passion is still there. Remember the reasons why you fell inlove with him in the first place. Bring back that feeling and I'm sure once the two of you are in bed - IT will all come rushing back.

[SweetSerenity]

Yes I did. I noticed it slowly though and it took some years for us to completely get wedged apart like we are now. I started noticing it when he stopped communicating a lot, not that he ever did really, I noticed it when we stopped being loving and started being friendly. I also noticed it when he let himself go a little, not fat or anything but he just isn't as clean cut as he use to be. I mean he doesn't dress up and what not anymore. I also noticed when he just didn't pay that much attention to me much anymore and sunk himself into his work. A lot of people will probably think "yeah to support you and the kids" let me tell you something if you neglect whats at home then you can just about forget affair proofing your marriage. It doesn't work that way. If you're not taking care of the homefront then you can safely bet that someone else will step in. It doesn't make it right. I'm not justifying what I did but I am providing insight to why maybe some of us do it. The other side is alluring, like a bright shiney new toy to a child. You're amazed by the toy, the toy feeds your excitement, and you get wrapped up in the toy, but then the toy becomes less appealing and you see all the work the toy is creating for you and you lose the appeal and realize that your old toy is what you really want and crave.

[whichwayisup]

So when all this first started happening .... WHY didn't you talk to him about it??? Why sweep it under the rug and shrug the shoulders going OH well??

 

Look, you seems to have changed your tune, maybe some of what others and myself have said to you has sunk in. You went from just being only into your MM to now talking about your husband and the problems.

 

You obviously still love him. You say you're not too emotionally attached to the MM, so get rid of him. He means nothing to you really then it should be easy to walk away and say " Thanks for the fun but it's time to work on my life, my marriage and my husband...I don't NEED anybody else to make me happy!"

 

Get to marriage counsilling! Sounds like you could use it to make the marriage better. Learn how to talk again and give HIM a chance to realize he's slipped and not putting in the same efforts and how it is pushing you away. TALK TO HIM...Cuz SS, I tell ya, he finds out about the A someday, he will really RESENT you for not allowing him the chance to make it better...

 

Good luck.

[HoldOn]

So when all this first started happening .... WHY didn't you talk to him about it??? Why sweep it under the rug and shrug the shoulders going OH well??

 

Yeah, that's the part I don't understand either...

[jade_nc]

AGAIN, i didn't bash you - and didn't declare myself "free from sin". i stated that i have been in your position. i told you i DISAGREE with your decision and explained why.

 

Secondly I am very trustworthy

if that statement were true, you wouldn't be in your current position. lying to the (supposedly) most important person in your life does not deem you trustworthy.

[SweetSerenity]

Again, I don't agree with you either. All cheaters are not complete liars in every aspect of their lives and are not all untrustworthy. You need to see the broader picture here.

 

Also I did talk to him, got no change, so I took matters into my own hand. I even gave him a year a complete year to work on some of the stuff, he made very small changes here and there but never fully made big changes. I'm going to tell him tonight that either some changes have to be made or we are going to have to do something else because life just isn't all about one or the other.

 

I want to make totally clear that my H is an important person in my life but my children come first before he does. H can be replaced, and no I'm not talking that I would like to replace him, I don't want to lose him. But if push came to shove he can be replaced. My children can not.

 

Anyhow I will not defend my decisions anymore. I've said what I had to say and thats all there is to it. I am going to meet up with MM now and let him know my decisions. Then tonight I will send our children to my MIL's house and take up serious conversation with my H. Goodluck to you all.

 

Thankyou,

Sweet Serenity

[whichwayisup]

All cheaters are not complete liars in every aspect of their lives and are not all untrustworthy. You need to see the broader picture here.

 

Sorry ss, but that makes NO sense. Your H is trusting you with the vows you took NOT to screw other people!

 

Hope that talk goes well with that MM and hope he leaves you alone when you dump him.

 

Go be with your husband, and your children. The kids need BOTH their parents together and a happy life. Remember, kids learn from an early age what relationships are all about from their parents, so I do hope that you can find that love again and work on your marriage.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't agree that all people who cheat are just untrustworthy for life! I know 100 percent sure that I made a mistake and I will NEVER EVER EVER do it again.

 

Anyone who condemns someone for cheating has obviously never been so lonesome that they ache and cry themselves to sleep!

 

SS- in the beginning you said there was nothing wrong with your marriage- as you have posted- just like I thought there are some issues. There are usually reasons someone cheats.

 

For Hold on-

 

Over four years ago when I was pg with my last child they thought she was going to be born mentally retarded. I called my exh who was on a leisure trip and told him. I was devastated. He never offered to cut his trip short to come home. I spent all weekend at home with my other child, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep all I could do was cry. That was the beginning of the end.

 

He never took care of himself physically. While I lost weight and kept myself looking attractive for him, he gained alot alot of weight. Wouldn't diet or exercise.

 

He was selfish- he never ever put my needs first in any issue. EVER. He never worried about how the bills got paid or if the kids needed shoes and clothing- only about his fun time.

 

He talked to his customers and friends nicer than he talked to me.

 

He never had time to give me any attention unless it was sexual. He never kissed me unless it was to get me into bed. He never called me to have conversation- only to talk about must do issues. I would go weeks without him giving me any type of affection other than sexual.

 

He stopped sending me flowers and cards. He took me for granted.

 

When he got home from work he watched tv instead of helping me with the kids or talking with me. Unless I forced him to give the kids a bath or feed them.

 

He never made date plans for us unless I told him to. More often he was gone so much that there wasn't ever any time or money for us to do anything.

 

I talked to him about this repeatedly. I brought home books and articles for him to read. He never read the books, he threw the articles in the trash. When I would complain about his lack of attention he would say, but I never have time for that. Bet he has alot of time on his hands now..............

 

I asked for counseling over 15 times and he wouldn't go. I also point blank told him I would have an affair or leave him if he didn't treat me right. He didn't listen.

 

All the while he was a good person- moral- he didn't beat me or intentionally mistreat me. He was a good father when he was home. We just had different ideas of marriage.

 

All of this that he did and everyone knew it but yet when we ended it he's up on a pedestal and I'm a filthy xhore.

 

Gosh, just talking about this makes me want to collapse.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I don't agree that all people who cheat are just untrustworthy for life! I know 100 percent sure that I made a mistake and I will NEVER EVER EVER do it again.

 

Anyone who condemns someone for cheating has obviously never been so lonesome that they ache and cry themselves to sleep!

 

SS- in the beginning you said there was nothing wrong with your marriage- as you have posted- just like I thought there are some issues. There are usually reasons someone cheats.

 

For Hold on-

 

Over four years ago when I was pg with my last child they thought she was going to be born mentally retarded. I called my exh who was on a leisure trip and told him. I was devastated. He never offered to cut his trip short to come home. I spent all weekend at home with my other child, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep all I could do was cry. That was the beginning of the end.

 

He never took care of himself physically. While I lost weight and kept myself looking attractive for him, he gained alot alot of weight. Wouldn't diet or exercise.

 

He was selfish- he never ever put my needs first in any issue. EVER. He never worried about how the bills got paid or if the kids needed shoes and clothing- only about his fun time.

 

He talked to his customers and friends nicer than he talked to me.

 

He never had time to give me any attention unless it was sexual. He never kissed me unless it was to get me into bed. He never called me to have conversation- only to talk about must do issues. I would go weeks without him giving me any type of affection other than sexual.

 

He stopped sending me flowers and cards. He took me for granted.

 

When he got home from work he watched tv instead of helping me with the kids or talking with me. Unless I forced him to give the kids a bath or feed them.

 

He never made date plans for us unless I told him to. More often he was gone so much that there wasn't ever any time or money for us to do anything.

 

I talked to him about this repeatedly. I brought home books and articles for him to read. He never read the books, he threw the articles in the trash. When I would complain about his lack of attention he would say, but I never have time for that. Bet he has alot of time on his hands now..............

 

I asked for counseling over 15 times and he wouldn't go. I also point blank told him I would have an affair or leave him if he didn't treat me right. He didn't listen.

 

All the while he was a good person- moral- he didn't beat me or intentionally mistreat me. He was a good father when he was home. We just had different ideas of marriage.

 

All of this that he did and everyone knew it but yet when we ended it he's up on a pedestal and I'm a filthy xhore.

 

Gosh, just talking about this makes me want to collapse.

 

Eeep. That totally sucks. I haven't been following your ordeal, but are you divorced now? Please tell me you are with someone who appreciates you.

 

I can empathize with being taking for granted. It totally sucks.

[HoldOn]

So, if you couldn't talk to your husbands about your problems, that is something that you might have realized before you got married?

 

How long were your enagagements? Were there any signs of problems to come? Or was he a totally different person before you were married?

[SweetSerenity]

My husband was a completely different person before we married. He was more talkative, more appreciative, more attentive, and took care of himself more. So its just not that simple. I was with my H since I was very young. It doesn't matter. People change all the time, its not just as simple as being engaged to someone for many years. We all grow and change.

 

I just returned from my meeting with MM. He actually cried. That was awkward for me sitting across from him watching him cry and beg me not to cut it off. Said he was having a tough time and really needed me. Said he was falling in love with me. Thats really interesting being as since we don't talk near as much as I'm assuming some other MM's OW's do. I put it bluntly that I wish to have nothing more to do with the A. He then asked me to remain real close friends with him, someone to share his problems with, someone to talk to, someone to hold him after a rough day. I told him to let his wife have the privelege of doing that because I was going to work on my marriage full time and get my life back in order. He cried and begged. I talked to him for a bit more and then I left.

 

I called a friend that lives in another state, has been my most beloved friend all my life. The thing she said to me really stood out. She said "He has no children, he has only been married for three years, do you think he'll tell his wife everything since he is so distraught". I got to thinking, he may well do it. Let him. He doesn't know my home number. Doesn't know my last name, doesn't know where I live, doesn't know anything about my H, or my family or anything. So if he'd like to tell his wife then thats on him. He'll have to deal with that without me. At least I'm not stupid or naive enough to give all my details to someone I'm having a fling with, I was at least smart about that. But it also opened my eyes to see the real danger in having someone outside your marriage fall for you. It puts everything in real close jeopardy. I'm just glad I gave no real information to this man. Now I have sent an email to my H talking about all the things I miss and how much I wish we could get back on level with one another, he sent one back saying he knows that its been really rough on us both and he is partially to blame and we'll get through it. He asked me to take the kids to his mothers and we'll go out tonight for a nice meal and talk about it and work through it. No more affairs for me.

[Mom4]

Dear SS: So happy that you were able to come to this forum and work through your thoughts. Stay strong!

The MM may come back and it could be tempting The hard work will begin now for you and your spouse. It sounds as though, without knowing your entire story, that there is something to build on!

 

I wish you all the best and a good night's sleep!

[Mz. Pixie]

My exh and I dated five years on and off before we got married.

He was affectionate to me up until the first child was born after five years of marriage- it gradually began to go downhill after that. I never had any indication that he would ever have a communication problem.

 

He comes from a wonderful family and like I said, he's a good person- we just had different ideas of what marriage is about. I wanted a true partner- he wanted a cook, housekeeper, bookkeeper, nanny, who would be waiting at home for sex when he decided he wanted to stop on by home.

 

COC- I'm going to send you a pm so as not to hijack the thread further with my personal ramblings.

 

In the end my exh would have done anything to keep me. The problem is is that he had promised so many times he would change and then didn't I didn't believe a word he said.