Ty Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Oh man, i've been in that situation. If your having fun with it then do it, just don't allow yourself to fall in love with him or anything. Just realize its lust and thats all. I've had the mistress before, and you said that he cares more than he lets on, no he doesn't, because he only cares about himself right now.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Originally posted by MistressD OK...OK...Someone on here said that the wife can sue for damages to the marriage on the OW if the W files for divorce depending on which state the OW is in. Can you elaborate more on this? Like which states? and How? who has done this? Does this concern any other of the OWs here? I'm sure I can link to it, but if you do a Google search for "alienation of affection", "criminal conversation" and "divorce law" you'll find which states they are. In my state here are some settlements won: 1.2 million awarded to a betrayed wife in 1997 1 million to a betrayed wife in 1997 40 thousand to a betrayed husband in 1999 In these cases, the OW and OM were nailed to the wall for interfering with and ultimately being the cause of the end of the marriage (as the juries saw it, anyway). Were they the cause? Doesn't matter. If the jury thinks that the OW/OM played a significant part in breaking up the marriage - even in the cases of purely emotional affairs - then they stand to pay out through the nose for it. Big time. OW and OM can be sued even during the one year separation period for an additional charge called 'criminal conversation' if their behavior corraborates the affair that broke up the marriage. There is a three-year statute of limitations. It is not a defense that: the defendant did not know the other person was married, that the person consented to the sex, that the plaintiff was separated from his or her spouse, that the other person actually seduced the defendant, that the marriage was an unhappy one, that the defendant’s sex with the spouse did not otherwise impact on the plaintiff’s marriage, that plaintiff had mistreated the spouse, or that the plaintiff had also been unfaithful. My state is in a minority. Imagine if all 50 states had these laws.
curly Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 OK, there's been lots of bashing... My only concern is for you. Honestly. You really need to know your motives here. Going to their house is extremely indiscreet. An affair that neither of you wants to be exposed needs to have parties that practice discretion. Cash only, no calling each other's homes, etc. I know that in some cases, having an affair may spice up the marriage. If you're OK with that, then you're a consenting adult. There may be consequences, there may never be. The most important thing is that you can not become emotionally attached. That's when it gets really bad. But here's my question.. When you stopped contact with him, why did you let him back in? You may be more connected than you realize. Just be careful, for yourself. And if it makes you happy, then have fun....
Mz. Pixie Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 A BS can sue the person that their spouse cheated with in some states. It's called "alienation of affection" As far as thinking your husband will not find out, I'd say you're wrong. I say that because I never thought in a million years mine would but he did. It is a very high price to pay. I thought the same way you did- my kids will never need to know. Have you considered the possiblity that someone may tell them?? They may overhear your H talking about it to someone else??? Or someone else talking about it?? People are cruel and they gossip. Can you just picture it?? One of your kids has a class party and a mom is there to help out and she whispers to the teacher "Is that Ms. Sweet's daughter?? Did you know she's doing the nasty with so and so's husband? What a slut". Not being harsh, just being honest, it happens! I never thought details of my fling would be in the local paper for everyone to read, but it was............ I know you think you know it all, but you don't- not even close. Until it happens to you you can't know. I'm not bashing you honey because I have been where you are- I'm just trying to give you the benefit of my experience.
MistressD Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 LucreziaBorgia which state r u in? thanks for you help so far...
TUDOR Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Just a thought, but the reason he might want to have you in in his marital bed is because he is bored with what happens in it on a normal basis. Having you you there gives him something to think about if his wife is less than exciting for him when it comes to sex. My guess is he spends his time reflecting on his moments with you in that bed when he is with her. Just a thought thought! If you insist on continuing seeing him at his house....might I suggest a guest room. "My what tangled webs we weave"
Owl Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Wow...you have an impressively low opinion of your husband. He'll NEVER find out? You feel that you ARE grounded in reality...but you're consistently living a lie to your husband and your children. You feel that they'll NEVER know...sadly, that's not the case. Doing what you're doing is just too big to hide forever. And realize this...what you're doing creates an emotional 'gap' between your husband that he WILL recognize at some point...he'll know that 'something' is wrong, something is lacking in your relationship...and then he'll start searching to find out what it is. The ONLY way he'll 'never find out' is if he knows, but buries his head in the sand and ignores it. And guess what...your kids may be too young to understand....now. But they will eventually. Kids aren't stupid, they just don't have the perspective that adults do. But they'll figure it out later on, and by that time they'll have made their own decisions on right and wrong. Remember, our kids use our ACTIONS to form their own beliefs and morals far more than they do what we say... Mrs. Pixie's comments were dead on the money. You can believe you'll never get caught. You can believe that your kids will never learn about it. My wife was convinced that she could conceal her emotional affair for YEARS...she had a game plan. Guess what....I found out in less than six weeks. Looking back, I think that time frame may have been closer to three weeks...she was so 'caught up' in everything that even she's not sure about times in her own mind now. Did you come here seeking people who would support your choice to cheat on your husband, and to 'justify' sleeping with another woman's husband? From your posts, it appears that this is what you were seeking. What's interesting about this is that you'll find that almost no one will say that what you're doing is ok...even those that have been in your shoes. Because they've seen the damage of their actions. The only reason you're seeing all of these reponses is because there are a lot of people here who would prefer to NOT to see someone else do the same things that they've done. Or lived through. Think about it.
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 The ONLY way he'll 'never find out' is if he knows, but buries his head in the sand and ignores it. Or if he is out there having an affair for himself...How would you feel about that? If you found now you're H was cheating on YOU??? Give that some thought?? Just curious actually. Yeah I know I'm being harsh on this, but personally I couldn't care less. What goes around comes around 100x worse eh. Remember that.
Author SweetSerenity Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Look guys, I know the consequences. I do, and its not that I have chose to ignore them and I didn't seek out support on this forum. I'm not that naive. I know what I'm doing is wrong, I do know that. I will ultimately end it when the time comes, but for right now I am having fun with it and enjoying it. The sex is great, the companionship I get from this MM is great, and we have a lot of laughs and fun. Oh by the way no one on his side of town knows who I am. We live in two different towns, even if his neighbors saw me going in and out of his home they still do not know me. Someone asked how I would feel if I found out my H was having an affair as well, well I can tell you this but you're probably not going to believe it, I would probably be real understanding. We all do things because of something else. Ever heard the expression "Everything is a version of something else"? I'm probably a real understanding person. I am not unhappy with my H, quite the contrary. I'm just bored with the marriage and am, *gasps* of all things, having a lot of fun with what I'm doing. My kids will not find out. You guys are trying to make me ultimately feel bad and I do not. I've thought about all the things you guys keep razzing me about and honestly it's the extreme. It will not end that way. If we get caught then I'm sure I'll have to answer and own up to it. I'm a big girl, I don't seek support, I don't seek sympathy, and I'm definitely not a poor hapless victim. I am having fun and eventually I'll let it go.
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Someone asked how I would feel if I found out my H was having an affair as well, well I can tell you this but you're probably not going to believe it, I would probably be real understanding. We all do things because of something else. Ever heard the expression "Everything is a version of something else"? I'm probably a real understanding person. I am not unhappy with my H, quite the contrary. I'm just bored with the marriage and am, *gasps* of all things, having a lot of fun with what I'm doing. My kids will not find out. You guys are trying to make me ultimately feel bad and I do not. I've thought about all the things you guys keep razzing me about and honestly it's the extreme. It will not end that way. If we get caught then I'm sure I'll have to answer and own up to it. I'm a big girl, I don't seek support, I don't seek sympathy, and I'm definitely not a poor hapless victim. I am having fun and eventually I'll let it go. Yeah okay, whatever. Do what you're going to do. But I can tell ya, YOU may say now you'd be OK with your H cheating on you...BUT you never know HOW you would actually feel finding out he was F**KING somebody else!! I'm done with your thread. Good luck.
StillHurtin Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Gosh, TG my H had the decentcy to wait until I moved out and took our bed w/ me b4 he slept w/ the OW in our home. I honestly don't know what I would have done if I would of came home and caught them! I probably would of grabbed his baseball bat and beat the s*** out of both of them! I know, I know, I said b4 violence is never that answer, blah, blah, blah, but if I would have actually caught them 2gether ALL he!! would of broken loose. I don't agree w/ what you are doing, sleeping w/ a MM but I hope you know what you are getting into. My H never thought I would find out about his A but I had enough friends who worked w/ them that told me. Even the OW's own H came over to my house and told me they were screwing around. I didn't want him to find out and when I even called her to confront her I told her she needed to step out of the room b/c I didn't want her H to overhear our conversation. I was hurting enough as it was, there was no reason to tell him and hurt him too, I knew he would eventually find out on his own and sure enough, he did. It WILL get back to his W, and your H. Maybe not anytime soon, but it will. The OW didn't live in the same town as we did either, but I was close to my neighbors and I am sure one of them would of asked me who the woman was that kept showing up when I wasn't home. Ppl aren't stupid. I suggest you stop going over to his house. You two are not be very secretive about your A going to his house.
ConfusedInOC Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by SweetSerenity Someone asked how I would feel if I found out my H was having an affair as well, well I can tell you this but you're probably not going to believe it, I would probably be real understanding.
Grinning Maniac Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Question. Why does your husband deserve to be lied to like that? What's so bad about him that you're wanting to waste years of his life? I mean....doesn't he have the right to enjoy life too? Don't just say "I'm selfish". It's a cop-out. I'm simply curious as to why your husband doesn't deserve to be happy, instead of being kicked in the guts or "blissfully" living a life that simply isn't real? Doubt you'll answer but oh well. I still feel sorry for the guy.
guest Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I know you feel "OK" with all of this right now. Trust me, one day you will be back talking about this differently. IT will get out...even if there is no proof. People will talk... someone may recognize you walking into his house that you go to church with, or use the same grocery store etc.. that person may say to his wife.." I recognized that women from church going to your home, what is her name again?" The W will say " What, Who, When?" If she confronts her husband he may panic and tell all, and your H too. I am just telling you this to protect yourself. You can't see it objectively right now. One day you will, and we will all be here. Just a thought... try to spice things up at home. Get away with your H and take a break away from all the roles you have to play. It's a lot less stress and you might find that you love him enough to not want to cause him all this pain. Don't throw your life away unless you are willing to lose it all. Is this other MM worth it? Is the sex worth it? Is there something about your marriage that you are not sharing with us? You say your H is a good H but is he not satisfying you in bed, are you not attracted to him, does he not desire you? Take Care of yourself and those little kiddos. Love yourself enough to be bigger than all this mess. Once you completely stop the secret calls, messages, visits, you will be so happy to have all that extra time back. It is draining and you'll be thankful it is over with time.
Devildog Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I answer to the original question, I would say that the MM you are having this affair with is probably just like you, an amoral, soulless, empty person with no consideration of anything beyond himself. But personally, I think this post is troll bait.
Author SweetSerenity Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 I came here and asked the original question and I've received plenty of insight. Thanks to those that gave some real insight, and the others, well you're entitled. As for my 'poor pitiful husband that is getting kicked in the guts', yeah cause he totally knows right? He is fine. He is happy, I'm happy, and as long as no one finds out we will continue to be happy. Anyhow thanks everyone. BTW my toes aren't hairy, neither is my body, so I don't think this was troll bait.
erika2610 Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by SweetSerenity I came here and asked the original question and I've received plenty of insight. Thanks to those that gave some real insight, and the others, well you're entitled. As for my 'poor pitiful husband that is getting kicked in the guts', yeah cause he totally knows right? He is fine. He is happy, I'm happy, and as long as no one finds out we will continue to be happy. Anyhow thanks everyone. BTW my toes aren't hairy, neither is my body, so I don't think this was troll bait. So everything's just happy and perfect right? As long as noone finds out.. it's all good right? So why did you even make your original post? You don't think your husband deserves better than this? Cuz if it were the other way around, I'm sure you'd wanna know.. and I'm sure you'd be awfully upset..
Author SweetSerenity Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 I'm still not going to tell him despite a lot of you thinking I should. You can do just as much damage telling someone of an affair that you can do without telling them. It's a no win win situation. I will definitely not tell my H. I love him and have no plans on leaving him. The MM is for lack of moral words just a bit of fun. HE definitely has no part of my heart, or soul, or anything else, except apart from the physical side. I've slept with him all the sum of about once. But I will admit that an A is a lot of work, and none of the work I really ever wanted to put into it. I do think about his wife all the time. Everytime I step foot into their house and see their marital pictures or other pictures of them at functions and such I think about her. I wonder how she would feel if she found out and how hurt and destroyed she would be. Which is probably why overnight last night and this morning after reading the 'infidelity' boards that I have decided that I will find a way to break it off with the MM. I think that its the right thing to do. Of course I'm not going to tell my H so anything written about telling him will be a waste of your time. However I do have to find a suitable way of telling the MM that I will no longer be seeing him and I will enforce a NC policy. I think its the best thing to do for all those concerned not to mention that I just don't have the time to devote to an A. Do I feel guilty, honestly? Right now, no. Will I? Maybe, but I doubt it. Doesn't mean I don't have feelings or that I'm souless, just means that I am who I am and well I'm not going to let it ruin my marriage at all. It was a one time thing and thats just the way it is.
jade_nc Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 what marriage? what does the sacriment of marriage mean to you? you admit not feeling remorse for your actions. you said you don't feel guilty. this is fun. and while you don't feel bad for what you've done to your own husband, marriage and family (regardless of whether or not he finds out), you feel bad for his wife???
RecordProducer Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Do you know that the word "No" exist in the dictionary? You are allowed to refuse to do what might jeopardize your marriage. If he gets caught, be sure that you will too, because his wife will probably tell your husband. That won't be so exciting for you.
Mom4 Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 [font=arial][/font][color=red][/color] SweetSerenity, what is done is done. I am curious as to how you got yourself involved with this MM to begin with. You say that you have a great H. That there are no problems. Have you lost an interest in your H even though he is a "nice" guy? Has your H lost desire for you? This A will burden you and in time it may come out by the most surprising way. If faced with that kind of outcome would you risk it all again? That is your decision to tell your H or not. Try putting the time and attention that you have been giving this A and put it toward your H and family. Try to get a weekend away with your husband ( no Kids) and reconnect with him. If you have no desire to build up this part of your marriage with your H maybe you have marital issues that are keeping you from being close as you should be. Have you thought about marriage Counseling? I asked my husband for a divorce a year ago and we are still together, struggling through therapy and raising four children. We have a great life and I thought for 10 years I could keep it all together and everything would be fine. I am still not sure what the end of my story will be but I am going to work at it and turn over every rock. We are here to listen if you need to talk about the real issues and not this symptom of the issue. Stop all contact with MM and start doing something nice for yourself and your spouse every day. Surround yourself with those that truly love and care about you and YOUR life.
Illusion24 Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Obviously it doesn't bother you that you have sex on his "marital" bed. You went to his and "his wifes" bed and had sex...yeah I'm sure it floored you !!! I'm not judging you or coming down on you, I'm no one to tell you what to do, but I do maybe want to open your eyes and realize the vouls you both took when you got married...I don't know how you guys do it?? Call me naive or small minded but when I marry, it's for real and those words that I say in front of God will be true, I would NEVER be unfaithful to my husband...and the day I feel I can't be, I'll get a divorce. Just my 2 sense!
Author SweetSerenity Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Yeah I've lost a lot of desire for my H over the years. We had two kids and well we all know whats that like on the love life. My H is not overly romantic, though he is a hard worker and a great provider for myself and the kids. I do a lot of work on the side as a programmer to supplement the income. We just haven't had a real intimate relationship in quite some time. I have decided already not to tell my husband anything that has happened. I don't see what good can come from it. I have decided to tell the MM today that I do not want anything more to do with the A and that I will be enforcing a NC policy with him. I'm not sure how he will take it. LIke I said awhile back when I did this before he constantly bombarded me with emails, texts, calling, and well he works in a major retail store in which I have to frequent so he would also approach me there. He is the store's general manager. Thats how we met to begin with. We were just crossing each others paths in the store and he smiled and I smiled and thats how it all began. I don't have any real emotional attachment to the MM, just what we've been doing. It has been exhilarating. You know those hormones surging through your body of someone outside of your relationship noticing you and appreciating your beauty and well its like having your real first romance. It's been nice. However I'm ending it today. I don't ever plan to do this again. It's just too much work and it does somewhat interfere with the home life. Having to make up lies and exscuses to get away. Covering up tracks. Its just a lot of work. I'd rather put all that energy into my marriage and my lovely kids. Thanks for the advice on a non bashing level I really appreciate it.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Sweet- My intent was never to bash you, it's just that I have been where you are. I didn't regret my actions in the beginning, I felt like my H asked for it because he never stayed at home or paid attention to my needs. I was wrong. Now the guilt is incredible. All of the attention is flattering. The OM pursued me for a long time before I gave in. He fully admits now that it was all his fault. It makes you feel hot, desireable, and good about yourself. That's why its so addicting. I'm glad that you have decided to end it. Don't be surprised if it's hard for you to do though. You did the right thing.
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