SweetSerenity Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Just need a bit of input here. I'm the OW, yes I know I will probably get scorched but thats ok because I thoroughly realize what I'm doing is wrong and I know it's not right. Anyhow I have been with my MM for about two months now. MM and I have a great relationship, not love, but a lot of lust and excitement. One thing that really puzzled me was that he called me up on a Sunday and asked me to, of all things, go to his house while he went up to his wife's work on her lunch break and take off all my clothes and wait for him in his bed. I did do this because to me it was exciting and I wanted to please him. We ended up having sex for the first time. Thething that gets me here is that he did this and I think we could have been caught at any moment. He says he is just doing this for the excitement because his marriage is boring, however I think he truly cares a lot more than he lets on. He sends me text messages asking me how I'm feeling and if everything is ok and if I will please come by and see him. Today we had really really horrible tornadic weather and he called me several times to make sure that I was ok and that everything was alright. He says all the time that despite everything going in the direction it is going that he cares about me a lot. I'm not a single OW I too am married and I too am having the affair for the same reasons. I know that eventually our affair will end, but what has floored me is his need to have all the sexual liasions at his home. In his marital bed. That floors me, when I've clearly told him we could go to a hotel room. Anyone have any insight into this?
PattyCakes Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 How would you feel if you came home and found your husband and his mistress in YOUR bed having sex? I don't judge what people do because I am nowhere perfect and I , recently, decided against having a physical relationship with my ex who is now married. So I'm not judging you. But I think having sex in the MMs bed that he shares with his wife is downright disrespectful. He sounds like he has some kind of sick vendetta against his wife.
MistressD Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 well....it could be that he is cheap! Some guys just dont want to spend the money on a hotel. I dont know the situation and everything....I am just throwing an idea out there.
PattyCakes Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 That floors me, when I've clearly told him we could go to a hotel room. Anyone have any insight into this? Mistress, I dont think the hotel expense is an issue, according to the post. But you never know I guess. On that note.......who is expected to pay in this situation? Dutch?
Impressive1 Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Good Lord, I sure hope you don't live in Memphis, this sounds familiar lol
HoldOn Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 who is expected to pay in this situation? Dutch? Ask Miss Manners!
curly Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Sounds like he's got quite a little production going on. If you felt that creeped out, why did you do it? I'm not judging... I've been in the OW role for a while (about 1 year) and it has wrecked me. I fell hard for this man and now he's probably back with W. I don't know for sure but he left me once again to "think" about things. Anyway, I think the path you are going down will lead to a LOT of hurt for all parties. He sounds like he has a vindictive streak towards the wife. Yes, from your view, it may seem exciting and that he hates her. However, think about it from the other side. He's that obsessed with hurting his wife? He's obviously very emotionally connected to her. That will come into play once you've realized you're falling in love with this man. You'll consider leaving your H, and he will never leave. You'll be left devastated that he has left you to be with a wife that he seems to hate. And having been an OW myself, why do you want to invite someone else into your marriage? If it's that bad, why not get out? If there is some reason for being with your H, then why not talk to him about the problems? You might be very pleasantly surprised. Just know that the other person usually gets very hurt. And it tends to be the woman who becomes emotionally attached. I wish you luck with your situation. However, I wish you wisdom to end this before it really gets out of hand. Remember, the neighbors can see you going into their house. Very quickly, someone is going to catch on. You could be arrested for being in the house.
Author SweetSerenity Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 Before you guys say anymore that he has a vindictive streak against his wife this is further from the truth. Let me give you a little more insight here. He is constantly always telling me that he has a great wife, bad part is I know her, no we aren't friends or anything but she is a nice woman. He says he doesn't know why he is doing it other than its exciting and I've been with the "I need to think about things" stage with him three times now. He always comes crawling back. I didn't talk to him for over a month one time and he damn near drove me crazy sending text messages and calling me, emailing me, writing to me online. I decided to give him another chance but I haven't gotten emotionally attached to this guy and I won't. I'm not gonna leave my husband and I have already told him that if he left his wife then he'd be on his own cause I'm not leaving my marriage. I'm selfish but at least I admit it. To me its a fun sort of thing to do for awhile and it takes me out of my boredom, inevitably it'll end one day and all parties involved, myself and he, will have to accept it and push on. Anyhow, I don't think he has anything revenge feelings towards his wife. So once again I don't know why he is reluctant to do anything at a hotel instead of his house. I feel very uncomfortable being there surrounded by their marriage pictures and pictures of family outings and what not. It's just weird.
Debster Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 I'm curious if he likes his wife so much - why would you want to be his 2nd fiddle and why would he put his marriage in jeoparday. And why, if you don't want to divorce your husband, would you put your marriage in jeapordy. It just doesn't make sense, IMO.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Have you put together a plan for when you get caught? Eventually you will if you keep f*cking in his and his wife's bed. You are going to catch it with both barrels too - a betrayed wife is one thing, but to know that you shed your mixed DNA in the bed that she shares with her husband is going to be enough for her to make every attempt to destroy you. I expect she will out it to your husband as well, as a good deal of advice given to betrayed spouses encourages them to out the affair to the betrayed spouses, co-workers, people in the community, etc. Depending on which state you are in, she could sue you for damages to her marriage if she files for divorce. If you are going to continue with your MM, you'll need to be perfectly clear what you are going to do when the worst happens, and be a lot more discreet about it. As in STOP HAVING SEX IN HIS WIFE'S BED. If he won't have sex with you any place but in his wife's bed, then that should be a pretty clear indication that your worth to him is not the sex you are having, but the role you are playing in this fantasy he has. You have to ask yourself, in light of self-protection - what it is you want from this and how much you are willing to risk to continue playing out his fantasies in this way. If you want to keep seeing this man, then insist on 'away from the homes' discreet interactions. No more sex in his marital bed if he wants to keep seeing you. Since you 'aren't emotionally attached', then you should have no problem leveling a demand like this. The safest route is to stop this now, while you still have a chance.
phillygirl63 Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Alright, I'm going to be completely judgmental. That is a horrible thing to do to someone. Sleeping with a mm is one thing but doing it in his wife's bed is evil, pure and simple. And I completely agree with all the others who think he has a vendetta against his wife. You know better so don't act like a poor hapless victim. The victim in all of this is his wife and I pray she finds out and kicks him out to the curb (and then invests in a really nice new mattress!).
Author SweetSerenity Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 No one even came close to saying I'm a poor hapless victim. Get your facts straight first. And one other sidenote your judgements and venom mean nothing to me. You do not know me, you do not know him and thats the best part of this forum. You can cast stones all you want. I don't care. I just wanted to know what was up with his thoughts and why he always wants to have 'fun' at his house in his bed. Must be some kind of fantasy trip he is on and I will make demands that we play away from his home from now on. To the other person that has asked if we have devised a plan on what happens if we get caught, well yes. I have already told him that if we get caught by his wife, which is most likely to happen if he continues to be careless, that I have already said that I will not deny anything to her but more so tell her straight up what has happened and how it happened. I do not intend on my MM making me out to be someone evil that seduced him, which is why I have saved all his texts into one big file and all our conversations. He will not pull me down and make himself look like a rose. He is aware of this. So the stakes are high and he knows. I'm not about to say I'm an angel. I'm not. I am downright selfish and I am downright immoral and those are issues I have to deal with. NO one else. However I'm not leaving my marriage. I've been married for fourteen years and my MM has been married for three. I could never be serious about MM cause honestly his first marriage ended cause he cheated. However this is my first time ever cheating and its got its ups and downs and its appealing spots and not so appealing spots. I do not think that after this affair that I care to have another one. Too much work!
Mz. Pixie Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Look, I've been in your shoes so to speak. Mine was not a long term affair, just a fling. I knew the OM and his wife. We were both married. After I left my marriage (not to be with him) my exh found out. Everyone turned their back on me and they made my life a living hell. Let me tell you, the excitement is nothing when compared to how much pain I've had to endure after the fact. I'm not judging you. You're right that we don't know you- but the fact is the people who post on this forum who have been the OW DO really know you. We've been you. Every OW thinks that her affair with her OM is "something special and exciting". It's like a drug. No matter how horrible my exh was to me during our marriage, no one remembers that now. All that they remember is that I cheated. Those are the real stakes, you may want to think about them. You didn't say if you have children, but you may want to think about what it will do to your children or his children if either of you have any.
phillygirl63 Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 It's not the fact that she's cheating that bothers me (although I certainly don't condone behavior like that especially since I was the bs in my marriage) but the fact that she is actually going to the woman's house and waiting naked for her lover in his wife's bed is what really makes me mad. I would say both of them have a real vendetta against the "w" and I don't understand why someone would not only need to cheat on their spouse but do it with such vengence. I don't understand what the "w" did to this woman to make her want to take part in something like that. It's so mean.
Author SweetSerenity Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 Yeah I've got two young children. Which is another reason why I'm not leaving my marriage. He has no children at all. His wife is a lot younger than both of us. I'm 30, he is 35 and his wife is 24. The affair to me is just fun. I don't want him. Like I said if he were to leave his wife then he'd do that on his own and have to start over. I don't think he is heading that way though. He seems to really love his wife a lot.
Author SweetSerenity Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 I have no vendetta against his wife. ARE WE CLEAR ON THAT? JUST TO MAKE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR! Besides if you're gonna raise your blood pressure then you can stop reading my thread now. Or maybe grow up and little and put your bible down. I did this as so to excite him and please him. He has done things for me and I have now done something for him. However it is a little weird. So you can step out of your little moral box and get off your highhorse.
phillygirl63 Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Well as a bleeding heart liberal (and quite proud of it!) that is the first time I've been told to put my bible down and get off my moral high horse. Look honey, whatever makes you feel better since that seems to be how you live life anyway. Who cares about other peoples feelings, right? I will take your advice and stop reading this thread.
Owl Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 I find it interesting that you admit that you selfish and immoral. Also interesting that there is absolutely NO mention of any kind of plan for dealing with your husband if HE finds out. Or if MM's wife tells him when she finds out. Does HE have any clue how immoral you are? Or your children for that matter? I wonder if you're passing those same values (or lack of them) on to them? As far as why he wants to do it in his bedroom...what should it matter to you? If all this is a fling, and you've got no cares about what happens when it's all over, regardless of his marriage, your marriage, your family, whatever, then what can it possibly matter? I'd personally suggest that you not worry about his motives, and start working on your own. Do you have any plans on working things out in your own marriage at any point? Realize that you WILL get caught at some point, and your going to have to deal with the consequences then. Not to mention the consequences to your family as well. Sadly, I know that my words will have little impact on you at this point, as you're not interested in reality, or in dealing with future events. I do hope that things work out as best as they possibly can for all of you tho.
ConfusedInOC Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 I don't understand the cheating mind. It's bad enough you're cheating and know it. And you do it in HIS/HER bed?! The nerve.....
Author SweetSerenity Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 Ok to the ones that actually offered up genuine insight without bashing, thankyou. To the others that are on their highhorse and are actually bashing then you know what to do with your bleeding heart replies. My children do not need to know since they are too young to know and really my H will never know. It isn't like I see MM with my children in tow. Lol. Now that would be really outrageous. I mean if you have tendencies against OW, OM's and A's then why are you even reading these forums and boards in the first place. Thats what this forum is for. Not so that people that come here and want advice can get torn apart. Oh and OWL I live in reality. My H will not find out, and I deal with reality everyday when I roll out of my bed and put my feet on the floor. I slip comfortably into my mom, wife, and million other title roles everyday. There has been no strife on my family life, there won't be. I don't put MM or the A first at all. You guys really need to wise up. Confused in OC thats your problem. The nerve of you replying on here with no real insight. LOL. Anyhow thanks to you all. SweetSerenity
Debster Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 My children do not need to know since they are too young to know and really my H will never know. Well... i've read posts by people who had the same view until it DID happen. You can't control everything. At least be honest and admit that there is a chance that your children and husband will find out. Have you thought about how you will respond/react? It isn't like I see MM with my children in tow. Lol. Now that would be really outrageous. Actually I think having a family and a husband you don't want to divorce and putting all of that at risk is outragous. If you don't believe it, read the posts in the infidelity forum - written by both the betrayed and the wayward spouses. None of them thought it would happen to them. BUT IT DID. I mean if you have tendencies against OW, OM's and A's then why are you even reading these forums and boards in the first place. Thats what this forum is for. Not so that people that come here and want advice can get torn apart. Actually some of the people who responded WERE OTHER WOMEN. Clearly you don't want to listen to anyone - even people who have been in your shoes. My H will not find out, and I deal with reality everyday when I roll out of my bed and put my feet on the floor. I slip comfortably into my mom, wife, and million other title roles everyday. There has been no strife on my family life, there won't be. I don't think the definition of reality is leading a fake life. Basically that is what you are doing. You are lying to your children and husband. That is not reality. Once again, you refuse to believe that what happened to so many other people won't happen to you. Dream on. You guys really need to wise up. Actually sweet serenity, I think you are the one who needs to wise up.
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 really my H will never know. My H will not find out, and I deal with reality everyday when I roll out of my bed and put my feet on the floor. I slip comfortably into my mom, wife, and million other title roles everyday. There has been no strife on my family life, there won't be. Not yet. But he will find out sooner or later. He may know 'something' is not right. Sooner or later somebody will find out and TELL him. Stuff like that has a way of turning around and biting back...100x worse than you ever expected. Just be aware of that.
MistressD Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 OK...OK...Someone on here said that the wife can sue for damages to the marriage on the OW if the W files for divorce depending on which state the OW is in. Can you elaborate more on this? Like which states? and How? who has done this? Does this concern any other of the OWs here?
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