kfm Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Met a girl online and had a fantastic first date. Went for dinner till closing (about 3-4 hours) and as we were going back to car to go home, I felt we'd been getting on great so suggested we grab a drink and she agreed. Stayed in bar till closing so in all about 7 hours. Were texting the next day, said she had a fun easy going night (not exactly hugely positive) though didn't respond to my previous message about be great to meet up again. She mentioned loving Thai food & I stupidly half jokingly said could cook her a Thai meal if ever got to a 2nd date. If she was undecided then, may have been a nail in the coffin! Suggested a few days later could go to a weekend festival and said she was busy for the time being but thanks a mill for the suggestion. I told her I'd had a great night & felt we got on great but wished her all the best for the future. Left it at that. Obviously, common advice is never to question reasons why we get rejected for our dignity and self-respect but this is eating away at me a little. Can't figure out why she'd agree to go for drinks after our meal and stay out for 7 hours. Maybe she'd just been undecided and on reflection felt I wasn't right for her. I felt we really clicked though & been toying with the idea of asking her if I made any deal breakers later on in the night or if it just wasn't the right match for her. I know likely won't get a response or any true reason but for some reason feel compelled to ask. I'm never going to see her again but just wonder if it's ever ok to ask if there was any reason why didn't get that 2nd date?
fitnessfan365 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 It's natural to feel frustrated. I've definitely had my fair share lately..LOL But look at it this way. Whatever she says won't change the end result. Plus, every woman is different. So things she may not have liked about you, are things another woman may love about you. In the end, it's best just to take things at face value and continue being yourself.
jen1447 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Looking at it from a practical standpoint, you may be entitled to a debriefing when you've had some form of an actual relationship imo, but one date is probably asking too much. Even at 7 hours it was still just a one-off and she really doesn't owe you anything. Just a thought but she may have wanted to get laid. If a girl does, and it doesn't happen even after she puts in all the time, what you got since is often the result. 1
cessna Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I see nothing wrong in asking. I doubt you'll get a response though, and if you do it will more than likely be some generic answer about how you're a really great guy but she just isn't ready for a relationship blah blah blah... Most women don't have to decency to even reply to a message for a date so you're very unlikely to get a response asking for feedback. 3
Philosopher Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 In my view there is no harm in asking. However from my experience they will likely just say there was no spark or they were not ready for a relationship. You are unlikely to be told the truth. That said, if you don't ask you will definitely never know why you didn't get a second date. If you do ask there is at least a small chance that you find out where you went wrong.
rocketman122 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I think the same as cessna. I dont think there is anything wrong with asking. but women dont tell the truth because they dont want to hurt your ego so they will downplay it. I highly doubt shell tell you its because of how attractive you arent to her. shell say something like no chemistry.
Dallers Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 The problem is she is going to give you one of two things neither of which matter. 1. She will lie to save hurting you. 2. She will give you "her" personal opinion of why she does not like you. She is one person. With a unique life, past and set of qualities that she looks for. So nothing she says will provide you with any informative feedback for the next date. So no. There is no point asking her why it didn't reach a second date. You do not care anyway because she probably saved you getting hurt further down the line. Move straight onto the next. Expect hundreds of dates in your life before you find the right person for you. One failed date means bugger all. 2
rocketman122 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 if you have the guts, ask. it will help you hone down your skills and improve yourself. problem is I dont think they will be really specific. no one wants to hear they arent attractive to the other person. you may want to say "...Im asking only so I know how I can improve myself.." or some shet like that.
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 If you DO end up asking, I guarantee the word 'chemistry' will pop up. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 If you ask 1 of 2 things will happen: 1) She will lie to make you feel better, pointless because it doesn't help you. 2) She will give you the blunt truth and you will feel ****ty. Either way, asking is sacrificing a bit of your dignity. It doesn't matter why you didn't get a second date, you just didn't. Be yourself and get back out there and you'll find someone who appreciates you eventually. I will never ask a Woman what I did wrong... Because i'd rather be in the mindset that THEY did something wrong, and its not me who is the problem. Or at the very least that we're just 2 incompatible people. I had a date the other week where we grabbed drinks and within 5 minutes of meeting each other we both knew we weren't a match. We chatted for an hour out of politeness and then we both took off without the intention of contacting each other again.
smackie9 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I have gotten along with guys famously, but never felt any romantic ''chemistry'' with them. Women can really enjoy your company, doesn't mean it's romantic. That's why guys easily find themselves in the friends zone. Don't take it too personally. Finding that perfect mate takes time and a lot of dates. Sometimes it's better to have them find you.....it's a gamble but it happens. The thing you need to remember is to never invest yourself, or expectations on the first or second date.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I have gotten along with guys famously, but never felt any romantic ''chemistry'' with them. Women can really enjoy your company, doesn't mean it's romantic. That's why guys easily find themselves in the friends zone. Don't take it too personally. Finding that perfect mate takes time and a lot of dates. Sometimes it's better to have them find you.....it's a gamble but it happens. The thing you need to remember is to never invest yourself, or expectations on the first or second date. Yup... Just have fun! Even if you have sex on the first date, don't set TOO many expectations for the second date.
SoleMate Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 The chances of her having specific, actionable, widely applicable advice which you haven't heard before is less than 1%. Presuming you don't have severe body odor, rotted teeth, or some other major physical turnoff, and you didn't perform any disgusting or offensive acts, then her feelings about you are just a matter of taste. Do you hit it off with everyone? No? Well, neither does she. 1
J21 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) I can understand the frustration but no dont ask. 1) No she doesn't owe u an explanation. 2) For all you know, she could have been just being polite the whole night and had nothing better to do. 3) just makes u look bad. Period. Its a super awkward conversation to have and the reason doesn't matter anyway. Edited May 31, 2015 by J21 3
katiegrl Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I learned this a long time ago.... Two people can be out on the *same* date...but have two entirely *different* experiences. What YOU thought was a great date, a connection... SHE thought was just meh. Don't ask her. I am sure it wasn't anything you did...she just wasn't feeling it. Sorry... 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I can understand the frustration but no dont ask. 1) No she doesn't owe u an explanation. 2) For all you know, she could have been just being polite the whole night and had nothing better to do. 3) just makes u look bad. Period. Its a super awkward conversation to have and the reason doesn't matter anyway. I can't even fathom how awkward that conversation would be generally speaking... Lol. 1
smackie9 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I have been asked a once, and the first thing that comes to my mind is ''loser''.
Popsicle Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Okay, maybe I'm stupid here, but just because she was busy that weekend, you think you're rejected?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Okay, maybe I'm stupid here, but just because she was busy that weekend, you think you're rejected? Well, generally speaking if a woman is interested she should say "I'm busy this weekend, but i'm free Monday or Wednesday!" But maybe that's too direct for most women...
oberkeat Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 If I'm not into the other person, I want to get outta there as quickly as possible. So the fact that she would spend 7 hours with you then decide she's not feelin it is odd to me. I would ask her again in a few days, and if she said no again, disappear.
J21 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I can't even fathom how awkward that conversation would be generally speaking... Lol. Cringe worthy lol
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 If I'm not into the other person, I want to get outta there as quickly as possible. So the fact that she would spend 7 hours with you then decide she's not feelin it is odd to me. I would ask her again in a few days, and if she said no again, disappear. I'll stick around for at least an hour, I don't want to make anyone feel bad. As long as they're fun to talk to
Popsicle Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Well, generally speaking if a woman is interested she should say "I'm busy this weekend, but i'm free Monday or Wednesday!" But maybe that's too direct for most women... It may be too direct for really young or inexperienced women. They would say what the OP said his date said.
katiegrl Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) Okay, maybe I'm stupid here, but just because she was busy that weekend, you think you're rejected? She essentially blew off two opportunities to see him again, with no offer for alternative day. Writing is on the wall here....she's done. OP you did nothing wrong by offering to cook Thai food. Had she been into you she would have been all over that! Instead, she just blows the whole thing off...as if you never even asked. Arghh. I guess if you did anything wrong, it was asking her after that if she could go to the festival with you. But she did not lose interest cause of that. Does not sound like she was ever all that interested. YOU were into her..so you interpreted her behavior on date one that she felt the same. When the reality is she felt meh all along. Same date, two different experiences. Not saying she did not have a good time...obviously she did otherwise she would not have spent seven hours with you. But as far as feeling any romantic chemistry? Obviously not. Edited May 31, 2015 by katiegrl
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