Broken up with my ex for about 3 weeks now, still dealing with some lasting thoughts.

[FistOfTheNorthStar]

I am [24/M] she was [21/F].

 

tl;dr: Broke up a month ago with ex whom I fell madly in love with, broke up because of differentiating lifestyles, having trouble with memories of how it ended as well as whether I should help her or not.

 

Well here goes nothing...

 

I was in a relationship about a month ago whereas I was at the climax of loves happiness. We were together for about 9 months. I woke up energized to see the one whom I had fallen for and her child, delighted knowing someone who was so perfect in my eyes. I felt like nothing can push me off of my throne of happiness. That was until we broke up...

Once I moved out I realized all of the flaws, damage and impacts the relationship hit me with, while I ignored my own reactions. First she had wanted an open relationship whereas, being cheated on before I told myself maybe knowing it would be easier. It was not. She was also extremely sexually active, she was into the BDSM lifestyle, whereas I said it was something interesting to me and I would learn for the fun in it. Little did I know how deeply implemented she was into it, she had wanted someone to take complete control of her life, and I myself realized that this is not in me to do. I cannot take someone's decisions from them, not the person whom I had fallen so deeply in love with. The cracks came to light within a few months of us living together where her need for this started crashing through.

I felt completely devastated when I came to find out she had sought the advice of someone whom she had this connection with before but they never explored it with. Now looking from the outside, although she told me she was in love with me, she was also in love with that other persons control. There was a point where my ex had put to debate whether she wanted a loving vanilla relationship or the desire to be taken under complete control by the other person and have her needs satisfied. My ex chose me the first time, because she wanted what was best for her child. I was a perfect loving father figure for her child as well as a family figure for my ex. However there were some compromises that arose, where I wanted her needs to be fulfilled but struggling with not wanting her to go to anyone else it was very difficult for me.

I tried every way to distract her and keep them both happy. The child got very much attached to me, and my ex did completely come to love me. I with my basic knowledge in the lifestyle decided to collar her. I believe this was me trying to assure that she would be mine.

There were signs that I was extremely uncomfortable with the situation; I was afraid to look at my phone because I did not want her to remind me of her desires, of someone to take control of her life, or of her desiring another person sexually. I put a mask and tried to be strong but inside it was hurting me and it scarred me. The way we lived as well was impacting me. I was living paycheck by paycheck because she did not work much, she lost her drive because her need was unbearable. It rocked me because it made me happy knowing I can maintain our family but I was not happy when normally I'd be able to do much more with my finances. It got to a point where I could not travel much because I could not afford to repair my vehicle to be able to go out. She was used to surviving on her own as she was homeless for a few years and got used to living with the minimal. I did admire this but I was not happy.

It was one of the things that had gotten me to fall in love with her. I believed that she was a very strong person and had the will to keep pushing forward. Also coming from a past controlling and abusive relationship I decided to give her the perfect clean and happy relationship. I used the knowledge of what she had told me was wrong in her past relationship to avoid all of the mistakes and make them happy.

Then came the final standpoint where the desire had reached a maximum, and I decided to let her have that last person whom she had the control with. This erupted, where my emotions knew that it was over. The hopeless romantic in me tried every way to stay with them, as although the need was painful, there were very many more happy moments. During the last moments she was also torn because she saw me as a perfect example of someone who they would have a normal relationship with, she was pained by how her desire pushed it so far, this also hurt me. Within the relationship I helped her get through some struggles and heal some wounds she had from her previous abusive relationship. I had also fallen in love with her child.

It was a lot for me to take at once but we knew I would not be happy. She had wanted to break the connection she had with their previous bdsm partner so I, although not wanting to share her, let her try and she couldn't. The other showed the dominance and it was like the love and relationship we had built had its base shattered and the love my ex had for me just spilled out and she was losing what she had felt for me. As mentioned she was torn with the knowledge that she had wanted that control but also hesitated because she did not want to lose me as she felt me as a very good friend. She told me that it would be best for me to leave as it would be damaging if I stayed, in which I did painfully but for the best. Now that I was out I did feel like an addict to the love, but also saw the damage I withstood. It's been about a month since it happened and I made the mistake of seeing my ex again, but I saw that she had changed into a completely different person. She was already collared by the other person, less than 2 weeks after. Although painful it did not surprise me.

The way she spoke to me was also different as if all of my words were nonsense and of no matter to her. I am asking for advice now because when we had gotten the place together we had told each other that no matter what happened we would still help each other because she could not afford the place without my help. However with thoughts I do recall that, but also a time when she had told me that she would never leave me under any circumstance.

I am a firm believer of karma and am not sure if helping her would be her trying to take advantage, but at the same time I'm not someone that will leave someone out in the cold. Lastly, I know that I was not happy and it is over, but my mind keeps the end in repeat reminding me of how what was once great broke down so painfully. I've learned to remove as many reminders of her as possible, which I did. However, my mind still reminds me and I get moments where I miss those good times, but to me that person died that night. Right now I found a picture on a device I had let her borrow and it kind of haunted me to see the picture. Thanks for listening. I've been shaken with my thoughts, where I can very easily suppress them, but they still drown me at times.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well first of all let me put you straight on something:

 

'Karma' as you view it, doesn't exist.

 

Karma, in your mind, is payback, come-uppance, just desserts, whatever.

 

Sorry, but that's not 'Karma'.

 

Karma, literally means 'Action'.

 

It's deliberate, wilful, determined and thought-out Action.

That's all it is.

 

Now that you're straight on that, if you're broken up, you're broken up.

You have no responsibility, no obligation, no commitment to her, and you owe her nothing.

 

Whatever you choose to do, do it without an agenda.

Do it because it's morally right.

 

However she chooses to process it, is her problem.

But don't get suckered in.

 

If you loan her some money, make an agreement, written and official, and signed by her in front of and signed by a witness, that she is obligated to return the loan, even if it's paid back in monthly amounts..

 

Harsh?

No more harsh than any bank would be. And you wouldn't be charging her interest, like they would.