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Needed - great relationship but no intimacy yet? how to talk to him about it?


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Posted

Hello there,

 

I used to be very active on these forums under a different user ID when I was in a very long 7+ year relationship that was rather tumultuous. Luckily, I eventually took the advice from my mother (and the people on these boards) and broke up with him a few years ago. He had severe anger and mental issues that were causing me suffering but for some reason I couldn't see it for myself.

 

Anyway, I am with a much more stable person now who I have had a very pleasant past few months getting to know. A bit of background, we met in December and have been officially dating as boyfriend/girlfriend since late January. We work at the same company, but not together. We met at an outing at a bar and had a very passionate night together the first time we met and I ended up going home with him which is out of character for both of us. We both felt very embarrassed and shy the next day but we definitely had a real connection that needed to be explored further. After that first encounter, we spent a few weeks seeing each other off and on and then started dating as a couple in late January as I said. I am in my late twenties and he is in his mid-late thirties. Compared to my last relationship, it is much more calm and steady with a growing love and affection between us. It is a quieter kind of relationship and much more slow-moving than I am used to. However, I guess that is good for me anyway since my last relationship was very long and hard to recover from anyway. It not devoid of that intense magical romantic feeling that everyone feels when they have a new romance. We definitely have that for sure.

 

I am extremely happy with him. We laugh A LOT and have many, many similar interests. We are compatible in terms of our values, religious beliefs, political beliefs, and just in general about how we view the world. We have some differences too though---I am much more of an idealist and romantic and he is more pessimistic and sarcastic about some things. But we are both very intelligent and compliment each other well I think. We are both very geeky and enjoy doing similar things. He is very affectionate with me and we cuddle often and show each other appreciation through touch and by being close with one another. We also do some simple domestic things together like making breakfasts, baking, shopping, and things like that that make us feel closer. He is in the process of preparing for weight loss surgery too which I have been helping with as much as I can and trying to support him which makes us also feel connected. :love:

 

But of course there is a but! Otherwise I wouldn't be posting here! Issue is---he never tries to initiate sex with me at all ever and although I have theories as to why based on what he has told me, I am still unsure of what the real answer is and I have no idea how to bring this up. I mean I did bring it up once which is how I got my sort of jumbled partial answers, but nothing concrete. I have no idea how to bring this up without it being completely weird and embarrassing. I also don't want it to come across of me accusing him or criticizing him of anything either, but at the same time I do want him to know that I am not okay with this. There are a few reasons why I know he is sensitive about it though which makes it harder. A few reasons he has given me have been 1) He was planning to have sex with me this past valentines day, but I ended up drinking too much because I was nervous and thus it didn't happen. This was my fault and I really did make an idiot out of myself. This sort of makes me feel better to know he did plan on doing it once at least and not like he totally never wanted to. He was really sweet about me messing it up, but hasn't tried since then. 2) He is overweight and told me that he feels self-conscious about it during sex. I have already told him this is a non-issue since I am attracted to him just the way he is. 3) The last relationship he was in where he had sex was back in 2009/2010 which is 4-5 years ago. Obviously he isn't the type who takes this kind of thing lightly. 4) This is the one I struggle with....he has a bit of a BDSM thing going on. He doesn't have sex often or with tons of women, but every time he has he told me that he enjoys S&M. I have never done this and it scares me a little. It is weird because he shows care and concern for me all the time and is very tender and sweet...I can't really picture him doing this. 5) He thinks it is easier to masturbate since he doesn't need to be concerned with performing or anything. 6) He has some health issues such as high blood pressure, etc that he thinks the medication may be interfering with his libido.

 

Despite all of those extremely credible reasons...I can't help but think it is because of me. I am a little bit overweight and I don't pretty up as much as some other girls do. I don't think I am bad looking and he told me many times that he thinks I am cute, adorable, and am pretty. But he usually doesn't call me sexy or beautiful. If I was thinner I think he would. If he legitimately just cannot get a hard on because of this, I would really like to know. However, I avoid asking him because...if I ask him and he answers me honestly and if the answer is honestly that he just isn't sexually attracted to me, then I will feel humiliated and mortified and I don't know if I could handle it at all. I would just feel too awful. And he never wants to make me sad...I can tell that. I can tell that he goes through great pains just to NOT make me sad. He is really sweet and this is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in besides the sex issue. There's no drama, no fighting, no crazy anxiety or anger episodes, no hurting. This is the best relationship I have ever been in and he told me the same thing too. He thinks I am the best girlfriend he has ever had and vice versa. So I am not willing to throw this away because of this issue. I am just afraid to bring it up because I am scared of the answer. But if I don't bring it up then I guess we will just never have sex. I have never had to initiate sex in my life, the guy always did, so I don't even know how I would go about it. I am very sensitive and insecure about my appearance and he knows this which is why he is gentle with my feelings. He rarely, if ever, criticizes me and mostly speaks of only positives about our relationship. But this issue is making me feel worthless and useless as a woman and sexual partner. If we would have just told me that it is unequivocally and absolutely not a problem with the way I look then I could definitely accept it even though I long for the emotional and physical closeness that comes with sex. But I could tolerate it if he had a real reason that wasn't because of my appearance. The not knowing is killing me and I want to know the truth, but if he tells me the truth and if that truth is that I am not physically good enough for him to get sexually aroused then I will be devastated and our relationship which is going so well will undoubtedly take a huge hit.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how I can bring this up in a way that won't be completely awkward and horrible?

 

My only other issue is that we haven't said "I love you" yet. I am not making this into a problem because 1) he has never said that to anyone before, at least not in the past 10 years, so I think it's hard for him and 2) I feel very loved by him so it's okay for now. I accidentally said it the other day because I have known for a while and it is hard to keep it inside, but I don't want to scare him either.

Posted

My short answer is that it sounds like you are both playing it safe and are sexually incompatible.

 

However, if you want to make this work then you have to talk to him about this, otherwise it will drag on indefinitely. You have to be willing to meet each other half way and communicate what it is you really want, and figure out whether you are able to meet each others needs.

 

If all you get is excuses then you have to decide if you want to be in a sexless relationship or prepare to experiment with some S&M.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
My short answer is that it sounds like you are both playing it safe and are sexually incompatible.

 

However, if you want to make this work then you have to talk to him about this, otherwise it will drag on indefinitely. You have to be willing to meet each other half way and communicate what it is you really want, and figure out whether you are able to meet each others needs.

 

If all you get is excuses then you have to decide if you want to be in a sexless relationship or prepare to experiment with some S&M.

 

We talked. He said that he is on medication that is causing him to not be able to maintain an erection (he is on a lot of meds). He mentioned my weight, but not really in relation to sex exactly. But the fact that he mentioned it right after talking about the sex thing makes me believe that that is also a reason. He was not mean about it. He is going to be losing weight soon (weight loss surgery) and suggested I lose weight with him. I am overweight so I agree. He was not mean about it at all and told me I am pretty, etc. He told me I shouldn't feel insecure and I should be confident, etc. He was encouraging.

 

Anyway, at the end of the day, we just agreed to wait until he can do it and he flat out told me that he would initiate it. He told me not to be worried about the S&M stuff, the only thing he would do is maybe tie me up (which is fine, I think that is hot). I guess there is nothing left to say about it at this point. I was close to asking him why he can't still please me...but I didn't go there. Sigh.

Edited by CountessKerouac
Posted

Well it goes to show ya he's not that kind of guy to just want to give you pleasure, without him getting a happy ending. I would think more carefully about this.....

Posted

I think his self-consciousness and insecurity is the main thing. You can bring that up to him as often as you want and however you want, but just bringing it up isn't going to solve it bc he's probably been building that wall brick by brick his entire adolescent and adult life. You don't just topple that over.

 

Has he considered therapy? He may need some real/viable tools to deal with his issues if I'm right about him.

Posted

Meds can cause issue with erections, but not to be willing to please you and maybe even try to get aroused is odd to me. My X was on many many meds, for heart, high blood pressure and diabetes. He carried a case of medicine with him, but he would always initiate sex anyway. It worked most the time and we didn't have a lot of issues with it. You had sex the first night together, did everything work?

 

He wasn't overweight though, so that might be the difference. My BF now is way overweight and it cracks me up cause he doesn't seem to have a issue stripping and showing it all off. Men tend not to be as self conscious as women are in my experience. They are not brought up with body issues, unless they have been told that something is wrong with them physically.

 

I agree therapy is in order for him and I would not want to put up with this much longer if it were me.

Posted
Hello there,

 

I used to be very active on these forums under a different user ID when I was in a very long 7+ year relationship that was rather tumultuous. Luckily, I eventually took the advice from my mother (and the people on these boards) and broke up with him a few years ago. He had severe anger and mental issues that were causing me suffering but for some reason I couldn't see it for myself.

 

Anyway, I am with a much more stable person now who I have had a very pleasant past few months getting to know. A bit of background, we met in December and have been officially dating as boyfriend/girlfriend since late January. We work at the same company, but not together. We met at an outing at a bar and had a very passionate night together the first time we met and I ended up going home with him which is out of character for both of us. We both felt very embarrassed and shy the next day but we definitely had a real connection that needed to be explored further. After that first encounter, we spent a few weeks seeing each other off and on and then started dating as a couple in late January as I said. I am in my late twenties and he is in his mid-late thirties. Compared to my last relationship, it is much more calm and steady with a growing love and affection between us. It is a quieter kind of relationship and much more slow-moving than I am used to. However, I guess that is good for me anyway since my last relationship was very long and hard to recover from anyway. It not devoid of that intense magical romantic feeling that everyone feels when they have a new romance. We definitely have that for sure.

 

I am extremely happy with him. We laugh A LOT and have many, many similar interests. We are compatible in terms of our values, religious beliefs, political beliefs, and just in general about how we view the world. We have some differences too though---I am much more of an idealist and romantic and he is more pessimistic and sarcastic about some things. But we are both very intelligent and compliment each other well I think. We are both very geeky and enjoy doing similar things. He is very affectionate with me and we cuddle often and show each other appreciation through touch and by being close with one another. We also do some simple domestic things together like making breakfasts, baking, shopping, and things like that that make us feel closer. He is in the process of preparing for weight loss surgery too which I have been helping with as much as I can and trying to support him which makes us also feel connected. :love:

 

But of course there is a but! Otherwise I wouldn't be posting here! Issue is---he never tries to initiate sex with me at all ever and although I have theories as to why based on what he has told me, I am still unsure of what the real answer is and I have no idea how to bring this up. I mean I did bring it up once which is how I got my sort of jumbled partial answers, but nothing concrete. I have no idea how to bring this up without it being completely weird and embarrassing. I also don't want it to come across of me accusing him or criticizing him of anything either, but at the same time I do want him to know that I am not okay with this. There are a few reasons why I know he is sensitive about it though which makes it harder. A few reasons he has given me have been 1) He was planning to have sex with me this past valentines day, but I ended up drinking too much because I was nervous and thus it didn't happen. This was my fault and I really did make an idiot out of myself. This sort of makes me feel better to know he did plan on doing it once at least and not like he totally never wanted to. He was really sweet about me messing it up, but hasn't tried since then. 2) He is overweight and told me that he feels self-conscious about it during sex. I have already told him this is a non-issue since I am attracted to him just the way he is. 3) The last relationship he was in where he had sex was back in 2009/2010 which is 4-5 years ago. Obviously he isn't the type who takes this kind of thing lightly. 4) This is the one I struggle with....he has a bit of a BDSM thing going on. He doesn't have sex often or with tons of women, but every time he has he told me that he enjoys S&M. I have never done this and it scares me a little. It is weird because he shows care and concern for me all the time and is very tender and sweet...I can't really picture him doing this. 5) He thinks it is easier to masturbate since he doesn't need to be concerned with performing or anything. 6) He has some health issues such as high blood pressure, etc that he thinks the medication may be interfering with his libido.

 

Despite all of those extremely credible reasons...I can't help but think it is because of me. I am a little bit overweight and I don't pretty up as much as some other girls do. I don't think I am bad looking and he told me many times that he thinks I am cute, adorable, and am pretty. But he usually doesn't call me sexy or beautiful. If I was thinner I think he would. If he legitimately just cannot get a hard on because of this, I would really like to know. However, I avoid asking him because...if I ask him and he answers me honestly and if the answer is honestly that he just isn't sexually attracted to me, then I will feel humiliated and mortified and I don't know if I could handle it at all. I would just feel too awful. And he never wants to make me sad...I can tell that. I can tell that he goes through great pains just to NOT make me sad. He is really sweet and this is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in besides the sex issue. There's no drama, no fighting, no crazy anxiety or anger episodes, no hurting. This is the best relationship I have ever been in and he told me the same thing too. He thinks I am the best girlfriend he has ever had and vice versa. So I am not willing to throw this away because of this issue. I am just afraid to bring it up because I am scared of the answer. But if I don't bring it up then I guess we will just never have sex. I have never had to initiate sex in my life, the guy always did, so I don't even know how I would go about it. I am very sensitive and insecure about my appearance and he knows this which is why he is gentle with my feelings. He rarely, if ever, criticizes me and mostly speaks of only positives about our relationship. But this issue is making me feel worthless and useless as a woman and sexual partner. If we would have just told me that it is unequivocally and absolutely not a problem with the way I look then I could definitely accept it even though I long for the emotional and physical closeness that comes with sex. But I could tolerate it if he had a real reason that wasn't because of my appearance. The not knowing is killing me and I want to know the truth, but if he tells me the truth and if that truth is that I am not physically good enough for him to get sexually aroused then I will be devastated and our relationship which is going so well will undoubtedly take a huge hit.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how I can bring this up in a way that won't be completely awkward and horrible?

 

My only other issue is that we haven't said "I love you" yet. I am not making this into a problem because 1) he has never said that to anyone before, at least not in the past 10 years, so I think it's hard for him and 2) I feel very loved by him so it's okay for now. I accidentally said it the other day because I have known for a while and it is hard to keep it inside, but I don't want to scare him either.

 

I wouldn't worry about the no I love you yet. Men aren't verbal in general and show you their love. If you're otherwise, feeling it from him, let it be for a bit. It's early.

 

As for the intimacy, you just need to go out on a limb. Initiate sex with him. If you are confident and approach it that way and he is truly attracted, he'll respond. Dress in something sexy, sit close to him, stroke his hair, kiss him deeply, etc. (You know what to do). If he's not receptive, you open a casual, non-confrontational conversation and simply make a statement about your needs and feelings. You say something like "I've been enjoying the time we spend together and (list some things you like about him and the relationship). Then say something like "I'm attracted to you and I want to include intimacy in our relationship" and then let him talk. If he's really attracted and wants that with you even if he's got some "issues", you give it a little time to see if he makes an effort at least. If he doesn't want intimacy and/or you find that you are incompatible in this area, you may want to break it off. Don't give an ultimatum. If he doesn't step up to the plate, you simply tell him you two aren't a good match and wish him well. Don't get into specifics.

Posted

This is a dead end. Get out now. Men aren't insecure and needy when it comes to sex. If he wanted it from you he'd try it. He's just dragging things on. Let go and do yourself a favour.

Posted

Well if it were me I would make some suggestions to find other ways to have some intimacy. Some encouragement, loving and understanding can go a long way.

 

If not you are going to have to give him the talk. He should figure it out by now that it's not fair to you if you can't have your expectations fulfilled.....especially if he isn't willing to make the effort.

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