FLfemale Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 My 35 yo bf and I have been together, on and off, for 5 years. We don't live together and we're not going to live together because he won't manage his temper. He stormed out of my house last night, screamed "**** YOU" at the top of his lungs and slammed the door. First, he got mad (yes, mad) because he didn't like the brand of hot dogs that I made for him as a snack or the kind of chips I had in the house. "Apparently, I'm going to have to go to McDonald's when I leave." You could see the anger on his face. I picked the food up off the table and took it back to the kitchen. He yells across the room that now the least I could do was come over and "suck his cock" but I offered sex instead. I can't even explain the frenzy he was in to climb on top of me. When I shifted my leg over so I could quickly smear some lube on me, he freaked out and jumped up like he was on fire. He screamed at me that I was pushing him away. That's when he snatched his clothes up and left. I explained what I was doing but he was hearing nothing. So I woke up this morning to more "**** you" messages and I chose to ignore them. I'm not a teenager who lives and dies by the cellphone, so I'm not wasting my entire day arguing with him over texts while he's at work and I'm cleaning my house. I sent him that message but it just made things worse. Now he texts that I'm ignoring him on purpose just to piss him off and he's calling me a dumbass and says that I'm causing his anger. He feels completely justified to say anything and everything he wants when he's mad. He name calls, cusses me out, and says horrible things. When his temper has finally blown over, he thinks that I should just forget it all. He doesn't take responsibility for how he handles conflict. When he calms down, he tells me that he loves me, I drive him crazy, I'm his soulmate, etc. I'm having a hard time dealing with this because it's not how I resolve conflict. I don't call him every nasty thing that I can think of when I'm upset about something. I'm not perfect, sometimes I raise my voice, but I explain what I'm mad about and why I'm mad. I've hinted in the past that we might be better off going our separate ways but that doesn't end well either. He's convinced himself that we are supposed to be together. I simply cannot handle him. He's texting me over and over, demanding a reply. He says I should make up for last night by cooking for him and then giving him sex like I'm supposed to. If I don't respond, he's going to start calling me a bitch, a cunt, a dumb ass, lazy, the cause of his anger, etc., but he won't let me break up with him. He'll come over after work and bang on my door and send me 1000 text messages and complain that I have wasted the last five years of his life.
Methodical Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Why the hell are you still with him? There isn't a man on earth who's gonna curse at me, tell me to suck his cock, call me names and even think about closing his eyes in my presence. 11
katiegrl Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Why do you need HIS permission to break up with him? I don't get that. Notwithstanding the fact he is an abusive prick, it is clear he does not love you, does not respect you....hell it doesn't sound like he even likes you. So why are YOU *choosing* to stay again? Are you a masochist? Enjoy being his verbal punching bag? You DO NOT need his permission to break up with him! Just leave!!! 5
CarrieT Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 He screams at you for buying the wrong brand of hot dog and then offer him your body for sex!?!?!? Where is your self-respect? Leave this guy! 5
Methodical Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 This sounds far fetched. An independent woman putting up with that crap?? 3
JJCaliGirl Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 This guy is verbally abusing you, and you need to leave before it escalates to anything beyond just offensive names. And if he comes to your house banging on the door for hours, you call the police to have them remove him from your property. No girl or guy deserves to be abused; verbally, emotionally, sexually, physically, etc... 2
Author FLfemale Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 I'm scared. I'm embarrassed. He will come to my house and bang on my door. He's a big guy. He could kick the door in faster than the cops can show up. He doesn't take no for an answer. He says he would never hurt me but I didn't ask that question. I tried to break up with him before but because I was afraid of his reaction, I did it over the phone and he demanded that I do it in person. Then he spent the next week or two telling me how much he loves me and he knows he needs to control himself. He went to a 6-week counseling program and for a while, things were going well. Now he's reverted back to old habits. He says he knows that were supposed to be together, that I'm his soulmate. He knows where I work, he knows where I live, he has a concealed weapons permit and carries a gun at all times. I'm scared to file a restraining order because he could get to me faster then I could file it. It's just a piece of paper. He has it in his head that we are meant to be together and he is not going to go away. It's this weird thing that because we've been on and off for so many years, he thinks that breaking up means all of his time has been wasted. 1
Gary S Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 For a healthy and happy relationship, you need a partner who is sane and has a good attitude. No, Virginia, love is not enough. 2
Author FLfemale Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 I have to take some responsibility. I created a part of this monster because I've hidden it from my friends and my family. I am independent and smart yet I haven't been so enough to get away from this guy. 1
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Could he be cheating on you? I have to wonder if this anger and nonsensical rows are excuses to get him out of the house and go and meet his lover. His demand for a bj or sex was perhaps supposed to disgust you, but when you said OK, he had then to make some other excuse up, to storm out of the house. 2
Author FLfemale Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 I see now that he's coming down off of the temper high. The excuses should start soon. Now his messages are asking (instead of demanding) that I cook and have sex with him to "take the edge off." 1
Author FLfemale Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 Could he be cheating on you? I have to wonder if this anger and nonsensical rows are excuses to get him out of the house and go and meet his lover. His demand for a bj or sex was perhaps supposed to disgust you, but when you said OK, he had then to make some other excuse up, to storm out of the house. I don't think so. Not because I don't want to think that. Actually if he had someone else, it would be better for me because he would go away and not insist that we are supposed to be together. This is more like temper tantrums. 2
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I don't think so. Not because I don't want to think that. Actually if he had someone else, it would be better for me because he would go away and not insist that we are supposed to be together. This is more like temper tantrums. OK as you do not live together, is it not now time to call it a day, change your locks, get a RO, even move out of state... No-one should be forced to live under that pressure from anyone. 2
caringsister Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Break up with him, get a restraining order and change your phone number, your locks and get into some counseling. If you have put up with this crap for five years there is no way you dont have fresh wounds, open wound, swept under the rug wounds and plenty of old scars. This guy is extremely abusive. Every time you put up with his abuse you betray yourself. There is no way on God's green earth that I would go lay down and open my legs for a man that acted like that. Dump his sorry ass, block his phone number, don't read his text and if he comes banging on the door call the police. It's time to take out the garbage. 2
JJCaliGirl Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I'm scared. I'm embarrassed. He will come to my house and bang on my door. He's a big guy. He could kick the door in faster than the cops can show up. He doesn't take no for an answer. He says he would never hurt me but I didn't ask that question. I tried to break up with him before but because I was afraid of his reaction, I did it over the phone and he demanded that I do it in person. Then he spent the next week or two telling me how much he loves me and he knows he needs to control himself. He went to a 6-week counseling program and for a while, things were going well. Now he's reverted back to old habits. He says he knows that were supposed to be together, that I'm his soulmate. He knows where I work, he knows where I live, he has a concealed weapons permit and carries a gun at all times. I'm scared to file a restraining order because he could get to me faster then I could file it. It's just a piece of paper. He has it in his head that we are meant to be together and he is not going to go away. It's this weird thing that because we've been on and off for so many years, he thinks that breaking up means all of his time has been wasted. You need to break up with him and then either go stay with family/friends or have someone at your house when he arrives while also calling the police. If you do nothing include not getting a restraining order, then this thread is all for naught because you are not looking for help. Know this, you are an abused woman who needs to get far away from the man who is abusing you. 3
jen1447 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 This seems to parallel the pattern of the controlling fiance who didn't want his girl to go to job interviews etc. Waiting to see if it checks out. 5
Satu Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 You are in a relationship with a maniac. Do whatever you have to do to keep him away from you. Start with a call to the police. 2
caringsister Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I'd Earl him. Ever hear the song Goodbye Earl by the Dixie Chicks if not look it up on YouTube 3
Author FLfemale Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 Ugh! This is insane. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Finally texted him back, telling him that I won't do this anymore. Told him to stay away from my house. 3
katiegrl Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 OP, if you are really dead set on staying in this totally abusive, dysfunctional and toxic relationship, tell him the ONLY way you will stay is if he seeks psychiatric help. He needs it! So do you for that matter for choosing to stay. But his behavior is beyond anything even remotely acceptable....and IF he loves you like he says, he needs professional help! Those are your conditions...if he does not agree to those conditions and get help..you are OUT! You need to be strong and stand up to him! He will respect you for it. 1
Author FLfemale Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 This seems to parallel the pattern of the controlling fiance who didn't want his girl to go to job interviews etc. Waiting to see if it checks out. That's one thing he hasn't interfered with. I changed jobs about two months ago and haven't talked a lot about it to him, so he may not be clear on the location of my new job.
katiegrl Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Ugh! This is insane. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Finally texted him back, telling him that I won't do this anymore. Told him to stay away from my house. Excellent!!! Now call the police and tell them what is happening so they can have a patrol car nearby if necessary. Do you have a friend or family you can stay with for awhile? 3
Author FLfemale Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 Excellent!!! Now call the police and tell them what is happening so they can have a patrol car nearby if necessary. Do you have a friend or family you can stay with for awhile? I know it sounds pathetic but I really don't. My parents are 2 hours away, my brother is in NC and I've kinda isolated myself because I didn't like taking my bf around a lot of other people. It's my doing, I know this. It's not a cry for sympathy. I finally reached a breaking point and that's when I decided to post on this site. Thank you all. 2
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