NYCgirl88 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 It happened two months ago. We both knew it was the right thing to do. If you read my previous posts, it was something I had been thinking about because we were clearly nowhere near on the same page. Neither of us were happy and there was a lot wrong with our relationship. But now that we're broken up we keep seeing eachother. We've broken up in the past and this happens where we start hooking up and end up back together . We've been better this time because we only see eachother ~every 2 weeks and don't talk in between. But this is clearly not the right way to move on. I'm writing this as we have dinner plans tonight and I'm not sure why I agreed to them because deep down I know it's wrong but I miss him. I don't miss our relationship but I miss him . And I can't tell my friends that I still see him because they've heard it for years and it's honestly embarrassing at this point. It's so hard for me to let go of him , we were together for 5 years and I've known him since I was 12 (I'm 26 now). Our moms still talk and there's part of me that thinks since we have so much history we have to be together. I've never been able to move on so I keep thinking why is this time any different . I know I have a lot going for me and it's not like I'm incapable of finding other guys but they aren't him. Has anyone been in a situation like this and been able to get out for good and be happy? I'm starting to think it's impossible and I feel hopeless.
foolinlove79 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I havent read your other posts but i have been in a similar situation. My ex is clearly wrong for me as a partner in life. And yet we keep ending up together. Sometimes you have to accept the truth of the situation which is just you are not a good match. My advice would be to try and break away and stop the cycle. If your comparing other people to them then its probably your just not over him yet. Amd that takes time. Your body actually goes through a kind of withdrawal process when you break up. Thats why it feels so bad.
Methodical Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 It happened two months ago. We both knew it was the right thing to do. If you read my previous posts, it was something I had been thinking about because we were clearly nowhere near on the same page. Neither of us were happy and there was a lot wrong with our relationship. But now that we're broken up we keep seeing eachother. We've broken up in the past and this happens where we start hooking up and end up back together . We've been better this time because we only see eachother ~every 2 weeks and don't talk in between. But this is clearly not the right way to move on. I'm writing this as we have dinner plans tonight and I'm not sure why I agreed to them because deep down I know it's wrong but I miss him. I don't miss our relationship but I miss him . And I can't tell my friends that I still see him because they've heard it for years and it's honestly embarrassing at this point. It's so hard for me to let go of him , we were together for 5 years and I've known him since I was 12 (I'm 26 now). Our moms still talk and there's part of me that thinks since we have so much history we have to be together. I've never been able to move on so I keep thinking why is this time any different . I know I have a lot going for me and it's not like I'm incapable of finding other guys but they aren't him. Has anyone been in a situation like this and been able to get out for good and be happy? I'm starting to think it's impossible and I feel hopeless. The consensus on LS is to go NC all the way, but I don't necessarily hold that view. You've known each other for more than half your lives. It's probably fair to say that you have been friends for a long time and bc the friendship was good, you tried your hand at a relationship together, which wasn't so good. I don't miss our relationship but I miss him.[/Quote] You miss the friendship portion of the years you have known each other and that is understandable. Is it feasible for the two of you to enjoy each others' company occasionally in a platonic manner? Like you did before you entered into a relationship. Having a long history of knowing each other does NOT mean you are destined to be together as a couple. You can be friends if you both choose to do so. I know several people who didn't work out as a couple, some were even married, and after ending the relationship/divorce, they are pretty good friends. They were able to accept that they cared about one another, but were not good as a couple. Thus, they maintain a good friendship because they handled the situation maturely. The key is to "not hookup" when you meet every ~2 weeks. Keep it platonic.
dyna85 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I actually disagree with methodical and think if you want to stop relapsing with this guy, you need to initiate NC and persevere through the pain. I've known of couples who stay connected, even when it's unhealthy and they are broken up, and this unnecessary added weight of bitterness persists because they keep picking at the already infected wound. It's like a never-ending cycle of drama and I wish I could tell them to go NC, because it truly does help ease the pain and help you move on, no matter the struggle in the beginning stages. If you truly hope to move on and want to find someone else, you need to have a final conversation and break free from the madness for once and for all. Maybe down the road, when your feelings for each other aren't as raw, you can reconnect on some level, but I would suggest you go cold turkey if you want to put an end to this on/off cycle. It may feel hopeless since it's been going on for so long, but for change to happen, you can't keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You have to make a clean break, as hard as it may be.
Author NYCgirl88 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 Thanks all - I do want to be friends eventually since we have been friends for a long time, but agree with Dyna that we need to not talk or see eachother for a while. At this point neither of us are capable of seeing eachother and not hooking up. I don't know how to go about that. And I don't know how to not check up on him or anything . Any suggestions ?
Ruby65 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 There's a great NC Guide posted on this site. Basically, I'd just send him a message letting him know you're taking some time without contact, wish him the best and thank him for understanding. Boom -- you're done! Then you just block him online on every site and app you use. If you're tempted to call or reply to calls and texts then go ahead and block him on your phone, too. You make him disappear from your world, online and off. Then you breathe a sigh of relief.... and let Time work its magic. Focus on yourself and your life and spending time with people who love and support you. It takes time to sever a bond, but you can do it if you block off all forms of contact and keep your focus looking forward and not back.
Author NYCgirl88 Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 There's a great NC Guide posted on this site. Basically, I'd just send him a message letting him know you're taking some time without contact, wish him the best and thank him for understanding. Boom -- you're done! Then you just block him online on every site and app you use. If you're tempted to call or reply to calls and texts then go ahead and block him on your phone, too. You make him disappear from your world, online and off. Then you breathe a sigh of relief.... and let Time work its magic. Focus on yourself and your life and spending time with people who love and support you. It takes time to sever a bond, but you can do it if you block off all forms of contact and keep your focus looking forward and not back. Thank you! I do really want to do this and know that cutting him out of my life will definitely help. I've tried multiple times and have never been able to which is what scares me. I get to like 2 weeks and I'll be really happy but then all of a sudden I'll panick because it feels abnormal to be happy without him and I get scared that he's moving on too (I know that isn't right). I know I have 0 willpower and as soon as I start getting sad or missing him, my immediate instinct is to see him, instead of fighting through it on my own. He has cheated on me before and sometimes I felt like I wanted to stay with him just so he wouldn't be with anyone else. It's hard to shake that feeling off. I've also always sort of defined myself as someone who was in a relationship and it's really difficult for me to just be single. I know I'm 100% happier when he isn't around - I'm usually a very energetic, outgoing, funny person, but when I'm around him I'm just quiet and jealous and mad and not myself. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just let him go.
DexterLS Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I understand how you feel. I was in a 6/7 year relationship before she cheated on me and dumped me for someone else. I begged her to stay with me because I didn't want this girl to move on with the other guy. But I had to accept it after she DID move on with the other guy. It was hell, still is and I am going through this every single day. Point is, you chose to break it off, for good reasons. He won't be alone all his life obviously. He will find someone and so will you. If he cheated on you in the past, remember how it felt and try to forget him. No Contact is the only solution. 1
candie13 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 it's called INERTIA. It's the killer of our lives, because we are creatures of habit. You are used to seeing him. You got used to having him in your life. And when you stop seeing him, it's difficult to make out between missing the routine versus missing the person. I know that there are people who suggest to do first low contact, take time and then move to no contact and then cut them off. It takes up a lot of time and a lot of energy. I am more into the band aid trick: do it all of a sudden. It hurts like hell at the beginning, but from that moment onwards, it can only go better. Cut him of. Cut his family off. Talk to all your friends and family and tell them that you don't want to hear from him again. You'll find your way back, trust me. You're 26, it'll take you at least 2 years to get back on you feet, if you start tomorrow. I don't want to scare you, but time is running out on all women and none of us is getting any younger. You'll thank me on the long run. Go with your guts, cancel and change your life today. 1
Author NYCgirl88 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 it's called INERTIA. It's the killer of our lives, because we are creatures of habit. You are used to seeing him. You got used to having him in your life. And when you stop seeing him, it's difficult to make out between missing the routine versus missing the person. I know that there are people who suggest to do first low contact, take time and then move to no contact and then cut them off. It takes up a lot of time and a lot of energy. I am more into the band aid trick: do it all of a sudden. It hurts like hell at the beginning, but from that moment onwards, it can only go better. Cut him of. Cut his family off. Talk to all your friends and family and tell them that you don't want to hear from him again. You'll find your way back, trust me. You're 26, it'll take you at least 2 years to get back on you feet, if you start tomorrow. I don't want to scare you, but time is running out on all women and none of us is getting any younger. You'll thank me on the long run. Go with your guts, cancel and change your life today. Thank you .. Although I have to disagree with some of this as I do not think it will take 2 years to be on my feet or that my time is running out because I'm a woman... Not really the positive encouragement I am looking for
Author NYCgirl88 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 I understand how you feel. I was in a 6/7 year relationship before she cheated on me and dumped me for someone else. I begged her to stay with me because I didn't want this girl to move on with the other guy. But I had to accept it after she DID move on with the other guy. It was hell, still is and I am going through this every single day. Point is, you chose to break it off, for good reasons. He won't be alone all his life obviously. He will find someone and so will you. If he cheated on you in the past, remember how it felt and try to forget him. No Contact is the only solution. I'm sorry ... I hope it's gotten easier ?
aloneinaz Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Here's my suggestion. Since you both have such a long history, meet up and explain to him you're going to move on and the only way is you both need to stick to NC. He needs to move on as you do. I agree he's a habit or routine and it's going to take a couple of months to break it. She seem to understand the relationship isn't good which will help you get over it faster. I agree with you. It WON'T take 2 years to get over this. It appears that it will be a mutual decision which make moving on much faster. If you both let some years go by until all the emotions and feelings are gone, there's no reason you couldn't be friends again. I'm FB friends with a couple of past GF's and enjoy seeing how their lives are.
Author NYCgirl88 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 Here's my suggestion. Since you both have such a long history, meet up and explain to him you're going to move on and the only way is you both need to stick to NC. He needs to move on as you do. I agree he's a habit or routine and it's going to take a couple of months to break it. She seem to understand the relationship isn't good which will help you get over it faster. I agree with you. It WON'T take 2 years to get over this. It appears that it will be a mutual decision which make moving on much faster. If you both let some years go by until all the emotions and feelings are gone, there's no reason you couldn't be friends again. I'm FB friends with a couple of past GF's and enjoy seeing how their lives are. I agree and feel that it is more of the routine and habit I have of going back to him that I need to break because I know I don't want to be with him. I just wish I had more willpower in doing so! It's like I know the right thing in my head but have such difficulty following through which makes me feel stuck! And the fact that I've never been able to do makes me think it's probably harder than it actually is. But I know the hardest part will be the initial few months and once I get through that I'll be so much happier. I'm happier now than I was in our relationship, so I know I'll only be happier once we actually stop seeing eachother, but I can never get passed 2 weeks! I think it has more to do with me than him at this point and I need to think of this as something I need to do by myself instead of we need to get over this together. And I need to accept that our relationship wasn't right for him either and eventually he'll find someone else and move on too and I need to be ok with that instead of fighting to prevent it. In some ways it helps that it's mutual, but in some ways that makes it harder because we still love each other so it's sad... And I think I need to tell him the no contact thing not in person because we've had way too many talks like that in person and just end up sleeping together... Which makes me start doubting my decision to end it.
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