Should I start preparing for the worse?

[hunk]

This is over, please remove yourself from this situation.

 

Block his number and please start focusing on your healing. He's not interested in getting back with you. Men do not behave this way, and yes, I am blanketing every man on the planet here because I'm almost certain of this. If he still wanted you, NONE of this would be happening. There would be no explicit time frames, no unnecessary drawn out drama. He would be saying "this is stupid i love you and need to see you". It's so painful when I see/hear about people who are in a situation with their partner where there's been an imposed "time frame" where the other is "making up their mind" or "sorting out their feelings". It is a complete cop out, he's drawing it out because he's not completely sure how to end it, even though ultimately it is what he wants. What the hell is he actually doing during this time apart? What takes you this long to deliberate over? It's not rocket science. The guy either still loves you and wants a relationship, or he doesn't. It doesn't take 6 ****ing weeks to decide on this, it's just ridiculous. He knows in his heart the answer. If he wants time away from you it means he doesn't want to be with you. That's it, it's black and white. If he came back, how would you feel? How would he even explain needing to take over a month to "sort out" his feelings? Your relationship is broken and you need to move on. Him coming back would communicate "well, i took some time off to do god knows what, but it took me 6 weeks to decide i still want to be with you, yeah, i can't really explain it at all".

 

This is translated to either

1. It's not going to work out with this other girl i'm interested in so i've come back to you

2. I'm too scared to end it right now, i'm not happy but I can't face the huge change facing me (being alone and not being the recipient of unconditional devotion which boosts my ego) and can't handle destroying your life JUST YET

 

In both situations the clear issue is that, for whatever reason, his feelings towards the relationship have changed.

 

You won't do this, and i understand, but the strongest thing you can do right now is tell him it's over and you're not going to sit around while he decides if he still wants you or not. You should be telling him you are worth more than this and this is just wasting both your and his time. The only way this relationship is salvageable is if there is a huge shift in dynamic whereby you proactively demonstrate worth and independence by dropping this on it's ass and leaving. At the moment you are at the complete mercy of this guy and he holds all power in the relationship, which sadly means your worth in his eyes has plummeted, so even though he imposed this "break", by you hanging around and accepting it you are actually enforcing the feelings of doubt and feelings of "unnattraction" he has towards the relationship at a very primal level.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yes, we're both asian. If we do break up and we don't end up selling right away, I will request that he moves out and we rent out the place.

Wait - let me get this straight. You paid half for a house and CONTINUE paying half the mortgage every month - and HE'S the only one living there?????

 

I get that your parents are conservative and wouldn't approve of you living together so you have to wait til you marry. I get it. But according to you, you have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of this guy actually marrying you anytime in the next 25 years.

 

Why in HELL would you invest in a house knowing you were basically going to be paying half his monthly housing expense?????

 

He's got it MADE. He wont be breaking up with you anytime soon because he's got someone paying half the mortgage every month. So he basically gets a free ride on your dime while telling you to stay away for 6 weeks and never marrying you so he can live there alone.

 

What a sweet deal.

 

Oh man.. I cant believe you did that.

 

Who cares if you don't make a DIME by selling it now????? Make him either buy you out or sell that financial albatross around your neck. I can't believe your parents let you go through with that.

Edited June 1, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[Arieswoman]

OP,

First of all, I am sorry you are in this tough spot. I wish I could be more positive, but I fear that this is over and he hasn't the guts to tell you straight out. Don't let him dangle you like this and wait on his decision. You need to take charge of this now.

 

We were invited together - my name and his name on the invite.

So you were invited as a couple, but are now no longer a couple - so you don't go. That's that one sorted.

 

Buying a house with someone and then allowing them to live in it alone is bonkers. He certainly saw you coming didn't he?

I would hire U-haul, Pickfords or any other removel company you have wherever you are and remove exactly half of the contents of the property. Then take legal advice about what your situation is.

Make sure you show the legal advisor an inventory of what you have taken and exactly what you have paid into the property. You need to recoup what you have paid into it.

 

Do all of the above without telling him and do it now.

 

You have a couple of options:-

Either - he buys you out then you take your name of the deeds in return for a cash settlement, and he continues to live there. (That seems the easier solution)

Or - you buy him out and reverse the process.

Or - you put the property up for sale and split the proceeds, with an allowance for your contribution. (This will have to be negotiated via the legal advisor)

 

Don't even think about renting it out, you need a complete break from this.

 

This guy has told you he doesn't want to be with you for 4/6 weeks, does that sound to you like someone who's in love and committed to this relationship? He's made an arbitary decision about the relationship to suit himself, so don't be his back-up plan.

 

I'm sorry. x

[sandylee1]

I suggest you don't sit around mopping for him and go out with friends. It's never a good thing to let someone think your pining for them. Prepare yourself for a life without him.

 

I don't say this next bit to be mean, but I know a case where break ups where initiated to sleep with another person. The view being it wasn't cheating because 'we were on a break'.

 

I think you should look up the 180. Not all of these will apply and you're not married, but focus on YOUM

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in the relationship .

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your SO/spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse/SO, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[Ruby65]

I'm not sure a program intended for people who are married is appropriate for people who are only dating.

 

They haven't made that lifetime commitment to each other. According to him, he won't be making it anytime soon.

 

Frankly if anyone should be changing their behavior to save the relationship, it should be him. OP has done nothing wrong.

[sandylee1]

I got a reply. He said he is thinking how to work things out and feels it shouldn't be rushed. He wants to come back with things thought out/topics.

 

I replied saying that I trust and understand where he is coming from, but it's a relationship and it takes two to tango. So bottomline, we need to figure things out together. I ended the message by saying that I'll wait to speak with him next Friday, but prefer to deal with it sooner than later.

 

.

 

You got a wooly response because your question was wooly.

 

If you want a direct answer, you must ask a direct question, but you didn't, so from NOW ON implement the 180.

 

Make sure you get out of the house and DO NOT sit around thinking about him. It doesn't take this long to know you want someone and TBH, his vagueness about marriage before the arguments were enough of a red flag to have never gone this far with him.

 

When you get out of your joint property, even if prices hit the sky, never buya property without marriage because your cultural background (and mine) , wouldnt want anything else.

 

I bet he'd warn his sister or female cousin not to agree to what you did.

 

A needy person doesn't come across as attractive , so take control because you can only control yourself.

[sandylee1]

I'm not sure a program intended for people who are married is appropriate for people who are only dating.

 

They haven't made that lifetime commitment to each other. According to him, he won't be making it anytime soon.

 

Frankly if anyone should be changing their behavior to save the relationship, it should be him. OP has done nothing wrong.

 

A lot of it is irrelevant, but living her life and getting out should be done. I guarantee he's not quite as troubled by this as she is.

 

It's not to be followed to the letter.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I think if u do a bit of digging around u are going to find out the cold, hard truth & that is that he is interested in someone else. He is playing u for a fool & at this stage u are nothing but a back up plan... take your self respect back & nip his silly little game in the bud by outright finishing it x

[pidgeon1010]

We all have free will and as such, we are all gifted with the ability to make our own decisions and choices in life.

 

However, with that gift comes a great amount of responsibility and accountability – for the decisions YOU make. (Heavy is the head that wears the crown…) It goes without saying that we all need to be mature enough to realize that there will be some personal responsibility and accountability that goes along with the power to make those hefty decisions.

 

When you choose to date passively, you have to accept that you’re choosing to be acted upon by others, thus willfully placing yourself into a rather powerless, hopeless position and one in which you may end up victimized.

 

However, when you choose to date proactively, you are now choosing to rule your kingdom, in total control of your future and the man who may or may not be in it, thus placing yourself in a very powerful position, one of great hope, and one in which you will not end up victimized.

 

It’s a mindset and it’s a choice. In life we have to be responsible and accountable for our own actions and decisions and when you decide to passively participate in life, often you end up victimized. In the end, there’s no one to blame because you made that co-dependent decision (your decision “depended” upon someone else’s decision, instead of your own), you made the choice for it to be that way.

 

If, however, you responsibly make a different choice and you chose to proactively participate in life, often you end up feeling in control, feeling as if the world is your oyster. In the end, YOU are the one that is responsible for all the blessings that the universe bestows upon you for your wisdom and strength in making that independent decision for yourself.

 

Start to look at the world as your oyster, and the men in your life as your kingdom. Instead of passively sitting and waiting, waiting, waiting for men to “pick” you, for THEM to make a decision about YOU – choose to take full advantage of all that life has to offer and of all that being a single, independent modern woman has to offer and instead, YOU make a decision about the MAN. You “pick” your man.

 

You have the power to do that. You have say-so in the matter. You are free to make your own decisions for yourself and you are empowered by your independence to do so.

 

STOP WAITING ON THIS MAN TO DECIDE WHETHER HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU. Personally, the last straw for me would have been him proposing next week Friday instead of this Friday. Absolutely ridiculous. How much time does he need to decide if he wants to be with you or not? I think he is stringing you along for some reason and the only thing that comes to mind is he has met someone else AND/OR he is trying to get his ducks in row about what to do with the house (maybe buy you out) and needs more time to get everything figured out financially.

Edited June 1, 2015 by pidgeon1010

[sandylee1]

^^^Great post Pidgeon.

 

OP - have the strength to end it. You'll feel worse if he dumps you.

[Redhead14]

I sent the text and as he wouldnt have expected it, i asked him to let me know by the end of the day - whether he wants to talk about things earlier than 4 to 6 weeks.

 

I do believe things happen for a reason. How the end of my last relationship brought me to this one. I learnt a lot from the last and tried to apply it to this one. But I've still got a lot to work on myself, especially in regards to expectations and not putting all i have into a relationship. I need to learn to continue to enjoy the things i do while being in a relationship.

 

A year and a half and only the second argument? What was the argument about? You've never had any conflict or situation that needed to be resolved? One or both of you is avoidant of conflict and don't have or haven't been able to observe each others conflict resolution skills.

 

Him pulling away now is more likely about an accumulation of unresolved issues exacerbated by other stressors. You need to be prepared to move on and really start doing that now. Let him reach out to you. Don't approach him at the wedding. If he approaches you, you be polite but unengaging. If he wants to talk to you about the relationship, he needs to set up a meeting in a public place and come prepared with a clear head and prepared to talk about everything and have specific suggestions for reconciling.

[not-a-drive-by]

6 days to go, and I'm really struggling tonight. I'm really tempted to text him now and say that I've had enough. This break is really hurting me, and there's really no point in dragging it on.

 

I'm scared and dont know what to do. Do I toughen up and wait, or just send another text to confront it head on? I'm talking myself in and out of it .

[ZiggyZoo]

My vote is to end it. Take control of what's happening in your life. Don't sit around in agony waiting for this guy to maybe, maybe not end things. Look at what he's already told you through his actions. He's ended it already, he just won't take that last step for whatever reason. But he doesn't have to. You have every right to tell HIM that this is unacceptable and you don't want any part of it. Because it is, you don't deserve this limbo. Cut him loose.

[not-a-drive-by]

My vote is to end it. Take control of what's happening in your life. Don't sit around in agony waiting for this guy to maybe, maybe not end things. Look at what he's already told you through his actions. He's ended it already, he just won't take that last step for whatever reason. But he doesn't have to. You have every right to tell HIM that this is unacceptable and you don't want any part of it. Because it is, you don't deserve this limbo. Cut him loose.

 

Easier said then done. If I had no more feelings for him, I'd take that step, but the fact that I do, I can't do it. I know I will regret the decision and beat myself over it. I rather he end it if he does not love me anymore. I don't know why he hasn't ended it yet, if that's on his mind. He has agreed to meet tomorrow, and I guess I'll start it off by asking: what does he see in this relationship? Does he see spending the rest of his life with me and marrying me in a few years, or not? If he hesitates or says no, I'll have my answer. There won't be much point discussing beyond that point.

 

But if we were all wrong, and he was really indeed thinking of how to make things mend and work towards a future together (I really don't know how the minds of men work), that would be the best ending. I will also make it clear that, he can't bail on me like this again. Just to think if we had a family, he can't just pack up and disappear for a few weeks.

 

I must have a love curse or something. Around this time 3 years ago, my previous ex dumped me during this time of the month/year. I remember because it was a few days after his birthday. Feeling so awful .

[BC1980]

He might be vague and string you along. To me, that's the worst scenario bc it's so easy to but that crud and believe the person when you are in love.

[lana-banana]

This would be a lot easier if not for the house. As it is he has a dream living situation that he's probably reluctant to change. If he decides not to break up with you, make sure it's because he truly sees a future together and not because he just wants to keep the status quo a little longer while he looks for a roommate to eventually cover the mortgage. I think there's a good chance he'll keep stringing you along as BC1980 suggested. Whatever you do, don't agree to keep paying the mortgage on a house you aren't living in. Either tell him you're moving in or start talking to a lawyer.

[Simon Phoenix]

He's definitely going to keep stringing you along and you're definitely going to fall for it. This is going to be a long, painful road.

[Eighty_nine]

OP, what happened?