Author not-a-drive-by Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 OP - sorry you're feeling so low. I can understand how you feel. I stand by what I say regardless of being in the minority and I'm as entiltled to my opinion as is everyone on this. This is a guy she's bought a house with. You can state your opinion, without disregarding mine. I speak from experience of being in a similar situation many years ago. It wasn't 'an official break', but we'd had a massive argument before a wedding. My BF assumed I wouldn't want him there, as he was my plus one. He was wrong, I absolutely wanted him with me and wouldn't have been happy to go without him. All situations differ of course. Alternatively, let him know you won't be attending, as you're 'on a break'. You'll know where you stand from his response or lack of response. With the tension between you, I can't see you'd enjoy yourself there anyway, but just not turning up or cancelling without his knowledge, when the invite came via him wouldn't be my way of handling it. You don't buy a house with someone to get messed around like this. If he wants out of the relationship, sell the house and be done with him. You got way too entangled without a commitment from him. OP, you say your parents are conservative, so what did they think of you buying a house, with no proposal or any real planto get married? Because I know my parents would have told me I'm being used. Maybe that's where we're alike. If it was the other way around, I would still appreciate if he would attend the wedding as a plus one with me. Despite having an argument, bottomline is that we still love our bf. No, you don't commit to something like a house, unless you're pretty sure on the relationship. Which I am, and I wouldn't think he would've made such a big life commitment if he didn't feel the same. This is our first big purchase (first home owners on both sides). My parents were supportive, just as long as we were clear that if anything happens (such as a break up), it'll be 50/50 split. So far, we have put equal amounts towards the house.
Author not-a-drive-by Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 The sooner I find out, the sooner I can have a clean break and start grieving proper. By not talking for 4-6 weeks, I feel I've been daggled by my feet, waiting for him to reel me in or drop me. Don't let him keep you dangling like this. I know you're not too fussed about the money, but your paying 50 % of a mortgage, for a house you don't live in. Not wanting to make you feel worse but it sounds like he's got it made. You guys could break up, then he moves in with a new GF and your paying half the mortgage. Do you see how messed up that is? You said you are of Asian origin, is your BF of the same origin? I only ask because if so, he would have a better insight on how your family will view this. Yes, we're both asian. If we do break up and we don't end up selling right away, I will request that he moves out and we rent out the place. 1
BC1980 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 4 to 6 weeks is just too long. It feels like we're avoiding the situation rather than dealing with it. What I've learnt in my last relationship is, if a person has made up their mind to break up with you, there's no changing their mind. In this case, we're avoiding the inevitable. What difference does no contact make, if he's already made up his mind? The sooner I find out, the sooner I can have a clean break and start grieving properly. By not talking for 4-6 weeks, I feel I've been daggled by my feet, waiting for him to reel me in or drop me. This is exactly what's going on. A 4-6 week break is avoiding the issue(s). It's not the same as saying I need a day to cool off after an argument before we talk. It sounds like he has been trying to ease out anyway. He's been avoiding you and spending more time with his friends. Calling you later than he promised. All that little stuff adds up when it's consistent. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been trying to force you to breakup with him, so he won't be the bad guy. Who initiated buying the house? I'm wondering if he regretted it after the fact and never told you. Either way, I'm really sorry. I know it hurts, and the limbo is torture. You shouldn't have to go through that. 3
Author not-a-drive-by Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) This is exactly what's going on. A 4-6 week break is avoiding the issue(s). It's not the same as saying I need a day to cool off after an argument before we talk. It sounds like he has been trying to ease out anyway. He's been avoiding you and spending more time with his friends. Calling you later than he promised. All that little stuff adds up when it's consistent. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been trying to force you to breakup with him, so he won't be the bad guy. Who initiated buying the house? I'm wondering if he regretted it after the fact and never told you. Either way, I'm really sorry. I know it hurts, and the limbo is torture. You shouldn't have to go through that. Hmm, I won't rule that out as a possibility - that he regrets buying the house. It has taken a huge financial impact on him, well both of us. He probably feels stressed with the mortgage and he can't leave his job because of that. And to make things worse, we had to cancel an upcoming holiday which we also planned last year, but I've been unable to save up enough for. I should contact him today and try to sort it out? Edited May 31, 2015 by not-a-drive-by 1
BC1980 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I should contact him today and try to sort it out? You might as well. A few more weeks isn't going to fix anything. I think this is going to end with a breakup, regardless of the path taken to get there. That's just my opinion. See what some others have to say as well. 2
sandylee1 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Yes, we're both asian. If we do break up and we don't end up selling right away, I will request that he moves out and we rent out the place. I see. Well if you do split, renting is a good idea. View it as an investment when/if you split. You have to take any positives to stay sane. So he understands the culture? That's good and he should realise how your parents see it. Although my now H and I are from the same ethnic background, I'm not sure he fully understood how my family would view some things he wanted. We're both westernised, but my cultural understanding is better than his. In fact his own parents said he should know better than to think I would agree that we could buy a house and live together before any commitment. Good luck
sandylee1 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I should contact him today and try to sort it out? Might as well get it over with. Why prolong the agony? Just remember you'll be fine no matter what happens.
Author not-a-drive-by Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 I see. Well if you do split, renting is a good idea. View it as an investment when/if you split. You have to take any positives to stay sane. So he understands the culture? That's good and he should realise how your parents see it. Although my now H and I are from the same ethnic background, I'm not sure he fully understood how my family would view some things he wanted. We're both westernised, but my cultural understanding is better than his. In fact his own parents said he should know better than to think I would agree that we could buy a house and live together before any commitment. Good luck Hmm, he has a more relaxed approach I guess. He always asks me to stay over, it's my house as well in the end. But I've always said no, because i know my parents and his dad doesn't like it. It's all about 'face' in our culture. You shouldn't really be sleeping over etc if you're not married. And thanks sandylee1. I know I'll be fine in the end, as this will be my second break up. It's just the process of getting there that's so darn hard. I can see myself torn into pieces and crying over it for a while
FistOfTheNorthStar Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I feel a little hypocritical saying this because I overlooked it in my previous relationship, but always expect the unexpected. If possible try to prepare for the positive outcomes, as well as the negative ones. Be civil if words come amongst both of you. Yes how are you? Good. That's good, I am well too. I would avoid bringing up the relationship until he is ready, as painful as that may sound it is for the best. If he comes back, thats great and maybe you guys can work through these things. If not, well just stay with NC and move forward. Everything happens for a reason. -F 1
Author not-a-drive-by Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) I feel a little hypocritical saying this because I overlooked it in my previous relationship, but always expect the unexpected. If possible try to prepare for the positive outcomes, as well as the negative ones. Be civil if words come amongst both of you. Yes how are you? Good. That's good, I am well too. I would avoid bringing up the relationship until he is ready, as painful as that may sound it is for the best. If he comes back, thats great and maybe you guys can work through these things. If not, well just stay with NC and move forward. Everything happens for a reason. -F I sent the text and as he wouldnt have expected it, i asked him to let me know by the end of the day - whether he wants to talk about things earlier than 4 to 6 weeks. I do believe things happen for a reason. How the end of my last relationship brought me to this one. I learnt a lot from the last and tried to apply it to this one. But I've still got a lot to work on myself, especially in regards to expectations and not putting all i have into a relationship. I need to learn to continue to enjoy the things i do while being in a relationship. Edited May 31, 2015 by not-a-drive-by
BC1980 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I sent the text and as he wouldnt have expected it, i asked him to let me know by the end of the day - whether he wants to talk about things earlier than 4 to 6 weeks. I do believe things happen for a reason. How the end of my last relationship brought me to this one. I learnt a lot from the last and tried to apply it to this one. But I've still got a lot to work on myself, especially in regards to expectations and not putting all i have into a relationship. I need to learn to continue to enjoy the things i do while being in a relationship. In the grand scheme of things, years from now, you'll be glad you made a move. The alternative is sitting around in misery for a month with no clue as to what's going on. The thing about a break is that it almost always benefits one person, and that person is not you in this scenario. Can you imagine asking him for a break? Risking losing him? 1
ZiggyZoo Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Well, since you've already texted him, I'd suggest making sure you get a straightforward "yes or no" on attending the wedding. Assuming you know what he's thinking or what he wants is a bad move, especially if he's acting out of character. Ambiguity on this issue is only going to make it much harder for you. And if he hesitates or hedges, DON'T GO. It is often times hard to come right out and say "no" to someone you really don't dislike per se. Likely why he said the whole "break for 4-6 weeks" instead of just pulling the trigger and ending things outright. 2
lana-banana Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) Likely why he said the whole "break for 4-6 weeks" instead of just pulling the trigger and ending things outright. 99% of the time "let's take a break" is an attempt to gently ease the other person into the idea of breaking up. When the break ends the breaking partner can talk about how they've had time to think and decided a split is for the best. They'd already decided that a long time ago, of course, but didn't have the nerve to do it outright. Edited June 1, 2015 by lana-banana 3
mightycpa Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Bottomline, I do know that I'm wrong. And I'm expecting some verbal abuse to come from you guys. I feel terrible and it's probably too late. I know I've just dug my own grave .That's one way of looking at it. Another way is that nobody's perfect, and you're going to want a relationship that allows you to survive the many mistakes you're going to make. The thing that strikes me is the stated length of time. I need 4-6 weeks sounds more like you'd say to a project manager or a customer than it does to a girlfriend. Even if he did need a little time away, it would be reasonable to ask for a LITTLE time to himself, and not to get away from you, but to attend to the things that are interfering with being with you. As a result, I come down on the side that says you're done, and if you're not, that you should be. 2
Itspointless Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 The alternative is sitting around in misery for a month with no clue as to what's going on. The thing about a break is that it almost always benefits one person, and that person is not you in this scenario. Can you imagine asking him for a break? Risking losing him? More than ten years ago I also was sentenced to a break, but without a clear ending-date. It drove me crazy within a week, so I demanded some answers. I did not get answers, she just broke up saying that apparently her breaking up with me was what I wanted. That wasn't what I wanted, but at least I knew. Give yourself some clarity, you deserve that. 1
sandylee1 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I sent the text and as he wouldnt have expected it, i asked him to let me know by the end of the day - whether he wants to talk about things earlier than 4 to 6 weeks. I do believe things happen for a reason. How the end of my last relationship brought me to this one. I learnt a lot from the last and tried to apply it to this one. But I've still got a lot to work on myself, especially in regards to expectations and not putting all i have into a relationship. I need to learn to continue to enjoy the things i do while being in a relationship. The only thing I'd say is your message isn't clear enough in getting the response you want. If I was him I could simply reply with "ok I'll let you know "'. That's not what you want to hear. Us women often don't ask the question we want and as such, we don't get the answer we want. Also, with the culture thing, the guys usually are more relaxed about it, because it's not them who will be viewed it the negative light. I didn't live with my parents so staying at his place was fine. They never knew about it. You seem to be saying you fundamentally did something wrong here. Did you say something bad to him or behave so badly to bring him to wanting a break? Is it a continued pattern of behaviour from you that may have caused this in your opinion?
Author not-a-drive-by Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) He just replied now with: "Hey baby, I'm sorry too but I'd prefer for it to be next Friday rather than this Friday. Mainly cause I'm still thinking about a few things. Love you too" I don't what this means . Should I reply with something like, "Ok, I respect your decision. Could you clarify what you mean by thinking about a few things? I'm starting to get confused whether you are working on things between us, or thinking about saying goodbye. The longer the break is, the more I feel you are pushing towards the latter" I asked him to clarify along the above lines...waiting for the dreaded reply now Edited June 1, 2015 by not-a-drive-by
Author not-a-drive-by Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 The only thing I'd say is your message isn't clear enough in getting the response you want. If I was him I could simply reply with "ok I'll let you know "'. That's not what you want to hear. Us women often don't ask the question we want and as such, we don't get the answer we want. Also, with the culture thing, the guys usually are more relaxed about it, because it's not them who will be viewed it the negative light. I didn't live with my parents so staying at his place was fine. They never knew about it. You seem to be saying you fundamentally did something wrong here. Did you say something bad to him or behave so badly to bring him to wanting a break? Is it a continued pattern of behaviour from you that may have caused this in your opinion? I guess it's a pattern of behaviour. I become too invested in relationships when I fall in love. I tried not to at the beginning of the relationship, but slowly I became needy. I was not good at communicating in my last relationship, and more than often, I held things inside until a fight and I just explode . I tried to be more vocal to avoid this, but he isn't great at communicating, which kind of makes it worse. I guess I exploded again this time round, and we both said hurtful things to each other .
lana-banana Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 He just replied now with: "Hey baby, I'm sorry too but I'd prefer for it to be next Friday rather than this Friday. Mainly cause I'm still thinking about a few things. Love you too" I can't be the only one who read this as "Sorry, I have a date Friday and I want to see how it goes before I decide". 5
Ruby65 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I can't be the only one who read this as "Sorry, I have a date Friday and I want to see how it goes before I decide". Exactly. Sweetie, time to walk away. You deserve better than this. 4
Author not-a-drive-by Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 Exactly. Sweetie, time to walk away. You deserve better than this. I got a reply. He said he is thinking how to work things out and feels it shouldn't be rushed. He wants to come back with things thought out/topics. I replied saying that I trust and understand where he is coming from, but it's a relationship and it takes two to tango. So bottomline, we need to figure things out together. I ended the message by saying that I'll wait to speak with him next Friday, but prefer to deal with it sooner than later. I left it at that...maybe he might take that into consideration during this time. I feel slightly more comforted after reading that, especially in my previous message, I asked him to be honest if he wants to break up with me. I told him if that's the choice he wants to make, he should let me know rather than delaying it - either way, it's going to hurt for me. So if he was thinking of breaking up with me, he would've said it then, right? I don't believe there is another woman involved, and for my sake, I hope you guys didn't predict correctly .
Ruby65 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 He's not thinking of what's best for "us".... he's thinking of what's best for "him." I understand you want to believe him and are naturally hoping for the best. I hope things work out! 5
lana-banana Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I feel slightly more comforted after reading that, especially in my previous message, I asked him to be honest if he wants to break up with me. I told him if that's the choice he wants to make, he should let me know rather than delaying it - either way, it's going to hurt for me. So if he was thinking of breaking up with me, he would've said it then, right? This is a common fallacy of breakups. You're assuming he would be fully honest with you just because you asked. I was once in a similar situation where I demanded the guy tell me if I was wasting my time. You think he told me? Of course not. He just let me humiliate myself until I finally realized how hopeless it was and walked away. This guy isn't going to say "sure, I actually want to break up with you", especially via text message. If he genuinely wanted to salvage the relationship he would be more open to talking to you. As it is he insisted on two weeks of silence. Who needs two weeks to decide whether they want a conversation? He is insistent on not seeing or communicating with you. That's not a good sign. 5
Author not-a-drive-by Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 He's not thinking of what's best for "us".... he's thinking of what's best for "him." I understand you want to believe him and are naturally hoping for the best. I hope things work out! Thanks, I do hope it works out. Feeling anxious though.
Ruby65 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Thanks, I do hope it works out. Feeling anxious though. Well, you're still in shock -- and it's natural to want to preserve the image you have of him as the *good guy* who'd never hurt you. For those of us who've been through similar situations, it's hard to watch you go through this. Just remember, whatever happens, you're going to be okay. Also, just because he wants to stall this conversation another week or two, doesn't mean you need to wait until he's "fully ready" to talk. I only ever made it through 18 days on a break.... and those were 18 agonizing days. You have every right to put yourself first sometimes, and this is one of those times. 3
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