GoldieLox Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 My life has impeccable timing? Just the other day on a thread about xAPs coming back around, I posted how I've been in 3.5 mo of NC (I should say very, very LC- it's been about 5 minutes a week on work related matters, through extremely gritted teeth on my part). I had no expectations of ever really talking to him again, nor did I think I wanted to, because I knew deep down if I did, I could just walk right up to him at anytime. My birthday was yesterday. I walk out to my car on my break as I always do, and find a note on my windshield. I won't post the exact contents here, but it basically said how sorry he was for hurting me, he knows I hate him, he doesn't expect me to forgive him, he can't even face me to talk to me in person which is why he hasn't approached me, and that he misses me, yadda yadda. To be fair, it wasn't all about him. He talked about what a (supposedly) wonderful person I was too and went on about that for a bit. Here are the major issues I have with the situation. First of all, he now put me on the hook to come and talk to him. He laid it back on me. He couldn't even come to my face, apologize to my face (to be fair, I am pretty rude to him), so now it's my turn to go to him. I'm not going to. I have no desire to actually speak to him, at least not in person. Issue number two, what the hell is his point here? There was no "I hope we can be friends" or anything like that. I do think in his own, F-ed up way he is sincere, but I also think that letter is a way to absolve himself of his own guilt in his part in this whole thing and to make HIMSELF feel better. He can't stand anyone hating him. He can't stand being the bad person. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, as far as I'm concerned, there's only really two options. Ignore it or respond to it. The general consensus is to respond to it. My husband, whose opinion is really the only one I care about at the end of the day (not that I don't love my friends...) thinks I should sit on it for a few weeks, let my emotions settle, and then decide what to do. He says it's up to me and would support either option, but he sees the daily rage I have at this man. He personally thinks I should write him back and just let him have it and unload on him, and then formally request NC at the end of the letter (it was never actually requested). Has anyone else ever had any experiences like this, where the xMM does something just to make themselves feel better while passing it off as some concern for you? As I said, I do believe a small part of it was sincere, but I believe most of it was this. And also probably trying to smooth things out so it's tolerable to work with me. I'm just at a loss for words and really interested to hear others experiences with this sort of thing. Any thoughts would also be appreciated.
RoseVille Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 I haven't had this with MM, but with other men. One was around January, I couldn't believe he had the nerve. My gut instinct was to react, but months later, I'm more pleased that he was met with silence. I had grown tired of having to be the bigger person by responding politely, or giving him the pleasure of knowing I was still feeling hurt (as would have been evidenced by the rage I wanted to spew). The ball is only in your court if you're actually on the court, playing the game. If you're not at the service line waiting, he's just hitting balls. If you want to hurt him and yourself, unleash on him. If you want to heal yourself, don't respond. Also: I'd question your H's reasons for supporting you unleashing on him. I think that's his ego talking. 2
Author GoldieLox Posted May 30, 2015 Author Posted May 30, 2015 If you want to hurt him and yourself, unleash on him. If you want to heal yourself, don't respond. Also: I'd question your H's reasons for supporting you unleashing on him. I think that's his ego talking. I don't care about hurting him, to be honest. That's none of my concern. My issue is, I feel like I've plateaued in my healing. I'm one of those people who always needs to have her say to heal. I never had my say with him. I know closure comes from within, but it's not coming. I'm just wondering if maybe this will speed along the process. I really need to get over this and get on with my life. It's not fair to me, but mostly it's not fair to my husband. As for him, I did question his response on that (gently). His response was because he knows what kind of person I am, he knows I'll never fully move on. Because he doesn't read these boards I can say this, but I still think a little of it is his ego as well. Not all, but a sliver.
RoseVille Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 Then unleash. There's no roadmap to healing. If that's what you need, do it. I actually received an apology very recently from someone I unleashed on a couple years ago. It was simple and didn't expect a response, he just acknowledged his behavior was inexcusable and he was sorry. Until I received that, I didn't feel I had closure. But it might have never come. So just make sure you're still not expecting or hoping for something back from your unleashing.
Author GoldieLox Posted May 30, 2015 Author Posted May 30, 2015 So just make sure you're still not expecting or hoping for something back from your unleashing. No. And the more I think about it, I wonder if HE's expecting something from this, which is why I'm going back and forth so hard on whether just to leave it alone. I just want to unleash and be done. Continue not looking at me, continue not speaking to me. But again, I truly wonder what the real point of this all was on his part. Thank God for LS to talk this all out 2
Josmatjes Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 I would ignore this completely. He only want absolution! Don't give it to him! 1
sunburned Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 My two cents: saying nothing will "get" to him more. Silence speaks volumes. Write your letter, get it all out but don't send it. At least sit on it a few weeks or a month. Closure does come from within but also comes over time. Probably enough of it hasn't passed yet. I find men, in general, don't do email and texting to the degree women do. I'm afraid you'll pour your heart and anger out in an email and he'll just read "Blah blah blah, MM. Blah, blah blah, MM." What he'll think: she's still into me. And you've just tossed him an ego kibble by expending so much time and emotion on your response. Better to give him nothing at all. 5
LovelyBrown Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 Goldie, I really understand the need to say something, to speak up and say your peace. As long as you can do it without expecting a response (positive or negative) from him than go ahead and do it. But, like others have said, that may just give him the absolution he thinks he needs.
Author GoldieLox Posted May 30, 2015 Author Posted May 30, 2015 Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I feel like I'm literally being torn in half. I agree that silence speaks volumes. I also know I could write a letter with 100% no expectations. Not only do I not expect anything from him, I don't WANT anything from him. The only thing I want is to get everything off my chest and be done with him. Whether he cares how I feel is his issue. I think I'm going to write a letter and sit on it for at least a couple of weeks. We'll see how I feel then. Maybe by then I'll have processed it enough and won't even want to send it.
Popsicle Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 I'm just sort of dumbfounded that your husband is responding the way he is. Other than that, having been through this as a single OW, I can tell you that the reason why he wants you to not be mad at him is because he's missing the A and wants to resume it, whether he admits that to you or himself, or not. He wants to know that that door is still open should he want to walk through it now or in the future. It's up to you how you handle it, but if you really want to move on and dedicate yourself to your M and H, then you should ignore the note, NOT respond. 3
Author GoldieLox Posted May 30, 2015 Author Posted May 30, 2015 I'm just sort of dumbfounded that your husband is responding the way he is. Other than that, having been through this as a single OW, I can tell you that the reason why he wants you to not be mad at him is because he's missing the A and wants to resume it, whether he admits that to you or himself, or not. He wants to know that that door is still open should he want to walk through it now or in the future. It's up to you how you handle it, but if you really want to move on and dedicate yourself to your M and H, then you should ignore the note, NOT respond. I'm not sure what planet my husband is from. I actually got mad at him one day because he wasn't throwing my things on the treebelt and demanding divorce. Not that I wanted it... the whole point of telling him of the A was to try and reconcile what was left... the point was, I just didn't understand his reaction. We have since talked about it many times, and I understand it a little better. I want in my heart to NOT believe what you're saying about him reconciling the affair. Again, not because I want any part in it. I don't. I want it to not be true because I want him to be genuinely sorry about hurting me. I was hoping someone wasn't going to respond with this, because I didn't want to hear it. I've tried telling myself that's not what the note was about. I've tried justifying it in so many different ways, such as there not being any request for friendship, he was the one who finally ended it partly because it was too much for him so why would he want to start again, etc. In the end, glad you responded, Popsicle. I was actually hoping you would... always value your input 1
Popsicle Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 He IS sorry though. Just because he still has feelings for you doesn't mean he is not sorry. The big thing you need to remember though is that he will do it again. Even though he is sorry and still likes you. That is just the nature of A's, when one wants to stay married. MP's are going to act confusing and sometimes hurtful. They are confused until they are not anymore, and their actions are going to show that.
jbrent890 Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 I'm just sort of dumbfounded that your husband is responding the way he is. Other than that, having been through this as a single OW, I can tell you that the reason why he wants you to not be mad at him is because he's missing the A and wants to resume it, whether he admits that to you or himself, or not. He wants to know that that door is still open should he want to walk through it now or in the future. It's up to you how you handle it, but if you really want to move on and dedicate yourself to your M and H, then you should ignore the note, NOT respond. I agree with this too. My worry is that your husband has tested you before and I'm wondering if this is another one. It really does sound like you have a very understanding husband. However, I'm sure one of these days (if it hasn't happend already), the thought of when are you going to get over this guy is going to cross his mind. Are you sure that this isn't another test from him. If I were you, I would take that note, rip it in front of your husband and say that you are done with this guy.
Popsicle Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 I would just forgive him, that's what I did with mine, and decide what is best for YOU, despite what he says or does, and stay the course with that.
Author GoldieLox Posted May 30, 2015 Author Posted May 30, 2015 I agree with this too. My worry is that your husband has tested you before and I'm wondering if this is another one. It really does sound like you have a very understanding husband. However, I'm sure one of these days (if it hasn't happend already), the thought of when are you going to get over this guy is going to cross his mind. Are you sure that this isn't another test from him. If I were you, I would take that note, rip it in front of your husband and say that you are done with this guy. An excellent point, one which I hadn't thought of. And I'm sure that thought has crossed his mind, he just hasn't vocalized it yet. The note is stowed away in a drawer for now, along with a few other things I need to revisit in time. The more I talk it out, the more I want to just let it be, I'm just not quite there yet. I need to give it a bit more time.
Author GoldieLox Posted May 30, 2015 Author Posted May 30, 2015 I would just forgive him, that's what I did with mine, and decide what is best for YOU, despite what he says or does, and stay the course with that. What is best for me would be to have him evaporate from the earth. Because I don't have that happy power, I know I need to forgive him at some point. Even my alien-species husband said it weeks ago. He said I need to forgive him because it would eventually bring me peace. Popsicle, how did you learn to forgive? Was it only when your anger dissipated? I still have so much. 1
Popsicle Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 Popsicle, how did you learn to forgive? Was it only when your anger dissipated? I still have so much. I guess. I don't really feel much anger. Sad or frustrated regarding the situation sometimes, but not angry.
viciouscircle Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 He is sniffing to see if you have interest in starting the relationship again. It wasn't really written for more than that. Your best bet would be to not respond. Even your anger at him tells him on some level you still think about it. Your trying to reconcile with your spouse. Concentrate on that and continue to treat the om as a nobody an no meaning in your life.
whichwayisup Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I haven't had this with MM, but with other men. One was around January, I couldn't believe he had the nerve. My gut instinct was to react, but months later, I'm more pleased that he was met with silence. I had grown tired of having to be the bigger person by responding politely, or giving him the pleasure of knowing I was still feeling hurt (as would have been evidenced by the rage I wanted to spew). The ball is only in your court if you're actually on the court, playing the game. If you're not at the service line waiting, he's just hitting balls. If you want to hurt him and yourself, unleash on him. If you want to heal yourself, don't respond. Also: I'd question your H's reasons for supporting you unleashing on him. I think that's his ego talking. ^^This post reply is perfect! I hope you just take it for what it is, his attempt to relieve himself of any guilt and hopes to end the silence (NC), maybe he is thinking you two can be courteous and have coffee, become buddies? Either way he was fishing and sending you that note was intentional. In your mind, wish him well and cut the cord once and for all. Any future contact, a response to what he wrote you will fuel the flames for more contact and possibly open the door a crack. Slam it shut and don't look back. Unload here, what you'd like to say to him. DO NOT give him the satisfaction of blasting him, he's not worth it.
whichwayisup Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 What is best for me would be to have him evaporate from the earth. Because I don't have that happy power, I know I need to forgive him at some point. Even my alien-species husband said it weeks ago. He said I need to forgive him because it would eventually bring me peace. Popsicle, how did you learn to forgive? Was it only when your anger dissipated? I still have so much. You can forgive him without involving him. You just make peace with it all and let it go. Take your power back by not reacting. Push to get to the in difference, a place where you don't care to know anything about him anymore.
Adoraxx Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I think he wants you back. And he knows that you're very determined in your NC so that's why he came up with a big apology, hoping that you'll fall for it, that you'll contact him and that (eventually) the A can be resumed. My MM gave me a big apology too one time. Before that, he had sent me a few short emails because I'm sure he was a little 'scared' too to contact me in person. But then he called and wow, I was so impressed. He said so many times "I'm so sorry!" and "I understand you now" and "I thought I'd lost you". I even heard him sniffle on the other end of the phone as if he was crying. He said: "I don't want to lose you.. I just want to be your friend." Boohoo. At the time, I was very impressed with the apologies but as soon as the second time we talked (the next day) , his intentions became clear because he started to talk about sex again :/. And it was all the same old, same old aaaaaaargh. Btw, that was the only 'impressive' apology that I ever got because I think usually he didn't think he'd really lost me. You can pretend that someone stole the note from your car and that you never saw it ;-). That way you won't feel like it's 'your turn' now to contact him. (It's not your turn anyway but you know what I mean)
twosadthings Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Please understand but I say bullspit on closure for something that never should have been opened in the first place. Closure, if there is such a thing, just gives the affair a validation it doesn't deserve. Like closing the barn door after the horse is gone. Secondly, this fellow is dangerous to you at work. Anyone could have read his note, taken it and circulated it to your embarrassment and detriment. Just sayin', Twosadthings 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 GL, have you really dug into why you have so much anger towards the XMM? Is your anger fair or misplaced? If your goal is NC and to move on...why do you have a stash of things that you are saving to deal with later? Also, and I find this the most telling in waywards that are also the OW/OM to their AP BS.....where they chose to post. It points to which side they identify with more. However, I really haven't read much on how you feel about your role in the AP BS life. I will be honest here...most waywards who were working on R, would already know what the healthy, appropriate response would be. Most would not be dwelling on "I needs", "what works for me". Their focus would be the big picture."what is best for Me, My Spouse and the Other Betrayed Spouse". What do you think would be an appropriate response from you? Do you want the two people that you have disrespected/hurt...to feel that from any other actions by you? How do you stop hurting others? Is putting your need for the last word greater than your need to not hurt others? Couldn't putting your husbands emotional safety first also be your last word? Wouldn't that last word be more powerful to more people....yourself included? As far as the XMM, you have already accurately pinpointed his motivation. To not be the bad guy. His need to be liked. It is common in men. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you...it has to do with how he views himself...through the lens of others. He also seems to be CA, hence the letter. He did not want to risk you exploding.
Author GoldieLox Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 GL, have you really dug into why you have so much anger towards the XMM? Is your anger fair or misplaced? If your goal is NC and to move on...why do you have a stash of things that you are saving to deal with later? Also, and I find this the most telling in waywards that are also the OW/OM to their AP BS.....where they chose to post. It points to which side they identify with more. However, I really haven't read much on how you feel about your role in the AP BS life. I will be honest here...most waywards who were working on R, would already know what the healthy, appropriate response would be. Most would not be dwelling on "I needs", "what works for me". Their focus would be the big picture."what is best for Me, My Spouse and the Other Betrayed Spouse". I do know where the anger comes from, and some of it is misdirected. I'm angry at him and angry at myself. I should've clarified this statement a little better. The other things I have waiting to be dealt with have absolutely nothing to do with him. They have to do with other areas of my life. One is work related, one is education related, you get the point, all decisions I have to make in the sometime near future, but not yet. Nothing else to do with the A. Forgive me, but I really don't think you can look deeper into where I posted. I posted here because the infidelity section, in my readings, is where BS's post to deal with their issues, and this is where people who find themselves an AP start threads. I'm not a BS, so I decided not to start my thread there. Nothing more, nothing less. Finally, while I do see your point, you have to understand that I am only 1.5 months into reconciliation.. We will not be able to go to MC, and I will not be able to go to IC again until July. We are trying to do the best ourselves, but without outside intervention, it's difficult for us. Both of us still struggle daily and this was a really unexpected bump in the road. I'm just not at that point where I can see 100% of things clearly yet. It still takes me a while sometimes, and I'm okay admitting it. To everyone else who posted, after a lot of thought and lack of sleep last night... I've decided to just let it be. I think it was Whichwayisup who alluded to the door analogy... I don't want to open that door again, ever, even if it means not having my say to him. In the end, it doesn't matter. It's not him I'm married to, it's not him I come home to, so who cares if he really knows how I feel or not. I'll just let the sleeping dog lie. 2
Popsicle Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 To everyone else who posted, after a lot of thought and lack of sleep last night... I've decided to just let it be. I think it was Whichwayisup who alluded to the door analogy... I don't want to open that door again, ever, even if it means not having my say to him. In the end, it doesn't matter. It's not him I'm married to, it's not him I come home to, so who cares if he really knows how I feel or not. I'll just let the sleeping dog lie. That's true, GoldieLox. And it's often one of things I say to myself about xMM when I'm struggling with something, including the fact that I am not the one that he comes home to so it doesn't matter what I do or don't do. 2
Recommended Posts