Paternity Test is being done this week and boy oh am I confused. Need some advice!!!

[trentcross]

Hi everyone

After 7 years of marriage and a 10 year relationship, my wife finally told me that she slept with someone else our first year of dating.(same week we slept together also) We were about to break up anyway at this point and I may have done the same thing. Which I pretty much already knew, and she had admited previously that it was possible that she had slept with the guy, but was passed out drunk and didnt remember. On Friday night she finally admitted that she did not pass out and knowningly slept with him. I knew that my daughter was possibly not mine from the day she found out she was pregnant, but pretty much buried it,stayed with her cause I love her. and after my daughter was three years old and we were stil lliving together in a good relationship I asked my wife to marry me. Today we have two more boys which are definately mine and going on our 7th year of marriage. This was our toughest year though and finally on Friday she told me that it was possible that my daugther was not mine, and some guy she doesnt even know his name. She was suprised for me to say, I pretty much knew that inside all this time and it was ok. I forgive her , and now she has to forgive herself.(which she is having a really hard time doing) Well this week we are doing a paternity test. And really I love my daugther so much that I dont know what to do with this information. But I do know that all this guilt has been hurting my wife and eating distrust and resentment in me for all these years. But to hear it out loud and finally admitted, made us both feel much better. We are in marriage counseling and I feel that we are truly going to be better because of this. BUTTT when we find out what on earth do we do? Do we tell the biological father, even if we can find him? I dont want to do that, but that is selfish I think maybe he has a right to know and my daugther also. But Im not sure what good that is going to do to my 9 yr old daugther. Im a great dad, we have had a great marriage up until this year, and I think this issue for some reason manifested itself this year to hurt my marriage and also start my wife on a psycological destructive path of depression and overdrinking(which has stopped). I am not angry at her . But I am hurt as this little girl that is my pride and joy , may be someone elses, and to hear her call someone else dad, or see her with another daddy will just crush me, please give me some advice as I feel very confused

[westernxer]

You're a good man.

 

Your wife's in bad shape, so work on that first. Then worry about the daughter/biological father issue. I'm sure you'll figure it out as you begin to heal, but you've got to focus on one thing at a time.

 

I'm impressed by your self-control... you knew all these years and kept it to yourself. She must really feel bad. Let's hope she can forgive herself.

 

The counseling will definitely help. Keep it up.

 

The answers will come...

[trentcross]

results come Friday Ut Oh....

[westernxer]

tick-tock-tick-tock...

 

I'll knock on wood for you.

[curiousnycgirl]

Regardless of biology - you ARE this little girl's Daddy, nothing will ever change that. My mother was married to my biological father - and yet I cannot pick him out of a crowd of one!

 

The only value I find in knowing who's sperm produced me was for medical history - otherwise I could really care less.

 

I think 9 is probably too young to tell your daughter, especially if your wife can't even remember the guy's name. Later you guys can decide - but I would say just keep doing what you're doing.

 

Reality is your name is on that birth certificate, so even if G-d forbid the marriage got worse, she is your child by law.

 

I am keeping my fingers, and everything else, crossed for you guys!

[trentcross]

Thanks much for the response, Im still wondering though if we should be telling our daugther the outcome if it is now favorable or what. God, its been quite a year :>

[billybadass36]

Why exactly are you doing this paternity testing? Will learning that this daughter of yours is biologically some other guy's offspring do anything to better the situation? I think you're better off not knowing the results and just going by the legal presumption of a marital child being the offspring of the married couple.

[trentcross]

I gave that some serious thought, Actually I am not so sure I need to know. The question of my wife being with someone else was always in my head and when she admitted it that kinda settled my brain and made me fully trust her again, but I think for some reason its more important for my wife to find out, Make sense? i think she always questioned if her own father was her father, so maybe it has something to do with that

[Lil Honey]

I agree with Billy. Is knowing really going to help anyone? Is there a reason why you can't wait for a couple more years, when your daughter is old enough to understand?

 

I don't see what purpose it would serve to tell your daughter at the age of nine, nor I see the purpose in saying, "You have a different father, but we don't know who he is." Kinda puts a bad light in your daugter's mind about her mom.

 

As far as seeing her with another guy that she calls, "Dad." YOU are her dad. YOU always will be. The relationship that you have with her will not disappear if someone else enters the picture. And it's likely that she would call him by his first name, much like a step-parent relationship.

 

I really think that your wife can get the counseling help without the paternity test. Since it is going to be revealed Friday anyway, I'd still wait to tell your daughter. I think nine is too young to understand all the dynamics.

[Becki]

It will probably nag you if you don't know, especially as the issue has just been brought back up, but what if you don't find out the result? What if your wife gets them, and doesn't tell you? Do you think you could bare not knowing?

 

Like other people have said, you love her, and she IS your daughter no matter what, so does it really matter? Your wife has confessed that she slept with this man, and you basically knew it all along, so why not carry on how you have been doing?!

 

Oh, and if you DO decide to get the results, I don't think you should tell her. Say it turned out the other bloke was her dad, I doubt he knows he has a daughter! Plus your daughter will love you like a dad. So if you do get the results and she turns out not to be yours, at least wait until she's 18, or an older age to understand what you're telling her

[Lil Honey]

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIt's FRIDAY ! ! !

 

What are the results? ? ? ? ? ?