foolinlove79 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 So i have a loooot of experience with the returning ex. Just from what i have experienced but mine always makes contact when he is bored or lonely or he's been rejected by someone else. Be very careful because they get in touch all casual and say things like i hope we can be friends and before you know it they suck you back in. Great you might be thinking. And it usually is great for a while until the old problems resurface And The trust issues from them leaving in the first place. And then you find yourself right back where you are now.
Author Holmes85 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 Thank you everyone for your responses and opinions on the matter, I really appreciate it. Today in the morning around 6am since I was awake, I send her the E-mail saying " Hello (her name), I hope you are fine and in the best of your health. Everything is fine on my end, thank you for asking. I have to ask, what do you hope to accomplish by getting in touch with me? Best regards, (my name) " Dyna85, Hey Holmes, If I were in your shoes, I would think back to the very last convo you had with her 10 months ago and how you felt at that time. Go from that feeling. That's just my thought. I feel like some of these exes think time washes away the pain of their cruelty at the end and they can just check in like nothing happened (um... no). This is your opportunity for vindication for all of the heartache you've suffered since day 1 NC. Best of luck. You are right about that, I still remember how things went down between us and the events that followed, which also helps me snap back to reality pretty quick. She has her work cut out of her, "if" she's really into reconciliation. Kevin_D, I am glad I was able to help you in the way you needed the most. Our situations are very similar, only difference is I spend 2 years with my Ex Girlfriend and you have spend spend 6 years, however the outcome of both of the relationships has been the same, in hindsight, it does not matter how much time you have spend together with your Ex (unless it was a month or two, which is self explanatory). I also disagree with posts that say, that the partner mourned the loss of the relationship while being with you, this simply in my experience does not happen, there is a difference between thinking about pulling the trigger and actually pulling it. Once the trigger is pulled, that's when the events actually start to unfold. All in all keep your head up Kevin, it's going to be hard, but you will pull through this. (While typing the reply I just recieved the response of the E-Mail). "Nothing. I'm not hoping to accomplish anything just kinda wanted to see how you are that's all." ^ Sounds like saving face and new a low from her. 1
Ruby65 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 (While typing the reply I just recieved the response of the E-Mail). "Nothing. I'm not hoping to accomplish anything just kinda wanted to see how you are that's all." Uggh. I wouldn't reply to this. Delete, ignore, move on with your life.
Jimmyjackson Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 Uggh. I wouldn't reply to this. Delete, ignore, move on with your life. I agree, you replied without appearing needy or anything like that and it's clear she was just curious. Just go back to NC, at least you know now though?
Ruby65 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 I agree, you replied without appearing needy or anything like that and it's clear she was just curious. Just go back to NC, at least you know now though? Agreed. And you set a clear boundary by refusing to take part in casual friendly small talk. She now gets it that you two will never be meeting for coffee like girlfriends to "catch up".
Author Holmes85 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 Seems like the story continues, I ignored her last E-mail and didn't respond back to it, given there was nothing worth to reply back to. Couple of hours later, when I was out with friends, her brother texted me saying the usual Hello and how I am? (2 coincidenes in one day?). Then I told him that I am out with my friends and he asked me "who I am with? (:" I ignored this reply and answered his 2 previous ones regarding the job things he was mentioning. To me it seems like she's pursuing me hardcore and it's getting pretty annoying since she's not coming out directly, "if" its about reconciliation, if she wants to do that, she has to put her pride aside and come out of her cave and stop playing this useless hide & seek games with me. It is pretty clear to me she's keeping tabs on me through her brother, since she didn't get the response from me, now she's pursuing through her brother (unless I am just thinking it all wrong). I have a strong feeling that I would hear from her again.
dumbass2 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 (edited) You came out direct, not playing games and asked her what she wants. She had her opportunity. She is playing games going through her brothers. You should cut all contact with them. I think you said they are just more of an acquaintance than anything, so easy to just cut off and not talk to them because every time you do she will be on your mind. That will force her hand to do something if she wants to and you go about your life right now. You should not initiate anything else with her and only answer her, IF YOU want and if she gives you something concrete and not just chit chat back and forth wasting time. My opinion is that you gave her a shot and she sent a you a very weak response. There is nothing in that response that says she mad a mistake and wants to work things out with you and again, you cracked that door for her and she didn't want to go in. If she was honest with her response it would have said this " Nothing. I'm just laying here on my bed lonely and bored since the guy I left you for isn't working out and just wanted to see if you still wanted me in case I want to get together and have you give me attention while I am in between men" Also, another thing is this. She is trying to find out if you are seeing someone using her brothers to do that for her. This doesn't say she wants to get back, only that if you were seeing someone, she may have to act quickly if she DID want you back and if you are not, then she doesn't have to worry about you moving on right now and she can still look around to see if she can find better. This is why you cannot stay in contact with her or her brothers. Edited May 31, 2015 by dumbass2
Author Holmes85 Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 dumbass2, You are spot on, on this matter. Here's my assumption about it, she's trying to find out where my head is at and if I still am angry at her or not, her first goal was to get the response out of me, she didn't get the one she was looking, but never the less she got a response. Her second goal is to get me to talk with her fluently and on regular terms, so she can maintain the flow of the conversation in the friendly ways, once that is achieved, her safe mode would turn off and that's where she would start sharing more and more because she doesn't have to provide me with the safe answers now. Either way, that's the wrong game to play if she wants a reconciliation, she's testing the waters and not coming out directly, but she wants to save her pride and save some face. I did not respond to her E-Mail back, her response was pretty weak and it also show's that she's trying her best to put her best face right now. This is going to continue for a while, till I get totally annoyed and block her or it can go in the other route, where she comes out and displays her honesty, which is safe to say isn't happening anytime soon. Doesn't matter how you look at it, I can't work with the absolute garbage she's putting forth me. 2
dumbass2 Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 "This is going to continue for a while, till I get totally annoyed" You control how long it will continue. You should be totally annoyed right now. She pops in after so much time and gives you the weakest of breadcrumbs, you give her that opening and then has her brothers press you for information. If that hasn't annoyed you to the point of just moving forward, then your tolerance for her is still way too high and something that i think you need to change in your thought process. I know, I've been there. And yes, she has given you garbage and you are holding onto hope that that garbage is somehow going to turn into gold and I think you already know better from what you have said. 1
CarrieT Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 And yes, she has given you garbage and you are holding onto hope that that garbage is somehow going to turn into gold and I think you already know better from what you have said. ^ ^ THIS ^ ^ Holmes, why don't you just cut the ties and respond to her that you really aren't interested in continuing contact?
lauri Posted May 31, 2015 Posted May 31, 2015 My take from your ex is that she doesn't want you back - she wants you as an option and someone to use to relieve her guilt. The messages from her brother sound like a girl messaging you IMHO. In all honesty, this girl isn't worth your time. I don't think even entertaining the idea of her coming back to you makes sense...this girl disrespected you and pretty much said "you aren't good enough for me" by leaving you for someone else. What has changed? She's scared to ve alone and needs someone there just in case. If youre willing to put up with that and not respect yourself, don't expect her to respect you. She may feel you have someone else (how DARE you move on?) or her current boyfriend isn't working as planned (grass isn't greener). Whatever the reasons are, her months of building up her disinterest in you is ingrained in her mind. It'll take so much effort to pass her tests and convince her you are someone different...and chances are you aren't. Your every move, decision and word will be analyzed. After she realizes that it isn't the same, she will keep you around until her next guy comes along. You are much better off spending this time and energy on a new girl, who you can start fresh with and have no bad history. Don't waste another second on this. 2
Author Holmes85 Posted June 1, 2015 Author Posted June 1, 2015 Thank you for your reponse Lauri and everyone else. Since I know my Ex-Girlfriend better, here's my take on what's happening at the moment. I am 100% sure that she is no longer together with the guy she left me for (doesn't matter who finished the relationship with who). I also believe that she has been single for at least a month or two or more (too soon, too fresh). Her mind is now racing towards me and realizing what she has done. Who do you think of in the time of dire need? someone you can trust, someone you can depend on, someone you can be yourself with, that person to her is me (doesn't matter if I'm her Plan-B on a backburner or whatever in that direction). The reality is this, she knows that she has messed up. There is no girl on this planet who after a year of silence reaches out to there Ex-Boyfriend, just to ask how he's doing and nothing more. That's there way to crawl back into your life and get in touch with you and after sensing that you have your guards down and the feelings are somewhat mutual, thats where they begin to open up more and start exploring the possibility of reconciliaton. She succeeded in her Goal Nr 1. which was getting a response from me. But my response wasn't what she was expecting, so now since she didn't get any reply after that, she's going to get more creative (And she did). Her brother kept pestering me all night asking me, who I was out with, if I was out on a date, I point blank said to him that he's acting like a girl and wants to know everything and he should stop asking me. Think about it, which brother is interested in knowing whether the Ex of her sister is dating who, let alone multiple times. I am pretty confident that I would hear from her again, whether it be a day or two, a week or months, but I think it would be sooner than that. The point here is this, she definitely wants to open the communications and when I present the opportunity, she would reconcile....but she's not going to get it that easy, she has work for it, "if" she is really that serious about it. I am positive about the fact that I would hear from her again, but she has her work cut out for her, if she does make the effort to reconcile in an honest way, I would probably give it a thought, if not, I'm fine with it either way because by knowing myself, I know I have a lot more to give in the relationship to the right person. The loss is her's not mine. Since I have joined this website, I have been saying the same thing and I would say it again, you treat them like gentlemen and let them leave, even if they leave you for someone else, the honeymoon phase lasts between 3 to 8 months, after that the reality sets in. Once the reality sets in, that's when some reach out and som juste stay quiet and live with the guilt...and some that never learn. 1
Ruby65 Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 It's more likely she's just looking for some company... or an ego boost.... than in actually reconciling. Dumpers come back all the time after being rejected.... looking to be comforted by those they've dumped in the past, wanting to feel less alone and reassured they're still desirable. Please don't make the mistake of *assuming* you know her motives. In fact, assume the worst -- try to put all thoughts of her out of your head, unless and until she actually asks to get back together. 3
mightycpa Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Holmes! I have a pretty good idea on what's happening behind the scenes, it's clear to me that her relationship with the other dude didn't work out and now she's testing the waters with me, it doesn't matter who broke up with who, I think she's either wanting to get back with me till she finds someone else she attracted to and would bail ...or she's using me to show her freshly Ex Boyfriend that she can get back with me to get his attention.The third and the most rarest option would be her finally realizing what she has done and wants to give it another shot, but her e-mail is too vaque to tell since she's testing the waters. 1) no 2) maybe 3) no I think that somewhere in the back of her pretty little mind, she thinks that you want to be friends with her... I mean, how could you not? Surely you must have healed by now, and so friendship with her must now be your heart's desire. She wrote you to tell you that it would be ok with her. You did the worst thing you could have done, which was to nibble at the bait. Let's just hope you didn't catch the hook in your mouth again. 3
Karin2rinkashi Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 Thank you for your reponse Lauri and everyone else. Since I know my Ex-Girlfriend better, here's my take on what's happening at the moment. I am 100% sure that she is no longer together with the guy she left me for (doesn't matter who finished the relationship with who). I also believe that she has been single for at least a month or two or more (too soon, too fresh). Her mind is now racing towards me and realizing what she has done. Who do you think of in the time of dire need? someone you can trust, someone you can depend on, someone you can be yourself with, that person to her is me (doesn't matter if I'm her Plan-B on a backburner or whatever in that direction). The reality is this, she knows that she has messed up. There is no girl on this planet who after a year of silence reaches out to there Ex-Boyfriend, just to ask how he's doing and nothing more. That's there way to crawl back into your life and get in touch with you and after sensing that you have your guards down and the feelings are somewhat mutual, thats where they begin to open up more and start exploring the possibility of reconciliaton. She succeeded in her Goal Nr 1. which was getting a response from me. But my response wasn't what she was expecting, so now since she didn't get any reply after that, she's going to get more creative (And she did). Her brother kept pestering me all night asking me, who I was out with, if I was out on a date, I point blank said to him that he's acting like a girl and wants to know everything and he should stop asking me. Think about it, which brother is interested in knowing whether the Ex of her sister is dating who, let alone multiple times. I am pretty confident that I would hear from her again, whether it be a day or two, a week or months, but I think it would be sooner than that. The point here is this, she definitely wants to open the communications and when I present the opportunity, she would reconcile....but she's not going to get it that easy, she has work for it, "if" she is really that serious about it. I am positive about the fact that I would hear from her again, but she has her work cut out for her, if she does make the effort to reconcile in an honest way, I would probably give it a thought, if not, I'm fine with it either way because by knowing myself, I know I have a lot more to give in the relationship to the right person. The loss is her's not mine. Since I have joined this website, I have been saying the same thing and I would say it again, you treat them like gentlemen and let them leave, even if they leave you for someone else, the honeymoon phase lasts between 3 to 8 months, after that the reality sets in. Once the reality sets in, that's when some reach out and som juste stay quiet and live with the guilt...and some that never learn. Holmes! Don't give it to her!!! Not just for your sake, but for all of ours. Who got dumped for another guy..... She left you for someone else, she can do it again. Unless, there is a STRONG reason for your to believe that she has changed. Think about what you had to go through when she left you. How she forgot about all you did for her, all your care, all your love. Think about every miserable moment you had to spend..... The point is not a grudge match. The point is to keep in MIND all that you had to go through, weigh it against the benefits (You will feel like you won once she is yours again, until she leaves you for someone else). And then it will be worse. Go and read the threads on here that talk about "Gave a second chance, regret it and feeling worse" You have obviously moved on.... Find someone sensational, and let her know that she LOST! SHE LOST, BRO! You have the control after years, DON'T LOSE IT AGAIN! GOOD LUCK ON WHATEVER YOU DECIDE! \m/ 1
lauri Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) I'll expect to see you back here after if you go back ..she will drop you in a few months or sooner. I'm telling you now, find a new girl. I don't care about what happened to her..she had her chance now move on from it. I can see through her motives and actions a mile away...it isn't unique at all. She is going to be so turned off that you are willing to go back easily.....she's only coming at you for validation. Luckily, you dont seem like youre going to give it to her it seems. If you do, she will feel special, soooo special now! She can leave you, sleep with other guys, and then come back if it doesn't work! She must think she's quite the catch to get away with that type of BS. Edited June 1, 2015 by lauri
NC-Thomas Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I have read this thread, and I have to agree with the last 2 posts before mine. Somehow people that quickly move on to another person show lack of character and strength. Also, the whole way of concealing her true intentions and using her brother is quite shallow. I think OP is wise enough to assess the situation properly, but I would strongly advice against getting back with this woman. You will just be a temporarily plaster on her ego, after which she will fly back to the next better option. And that's probably what you will be to her, just another option, a temporal gap filling her current emotional shortcomings. Ask yourself, do I want to get back in a state of opening up to her and losing her again, falling back into the hole you just came out. You are in a better state now, don't lose that.
frigginlost Posted June 1, 2015 Posted June 1, 2015 I'm gonna go against the grain... The OP seems to be extremely in tune with what is happening. He's thinking logically, and I don't think he would be game to her trying to pull the wool over his eyes, nor do I think he would go the RC route blindly. Not all dumpers who come back end up leaving again. If that were fact, I would have never been born. My parents split after dating for a year and a half. They got back together a year later and were married for 35 years until my father's death... 2
dumbass2 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 I'm gonna go against the grain... The OP seems to be extremely in tune with what is happening. He's thinking logically, and I don't think he would be game to her trying to pull the wool over his eyes, nor do I think he would go the RC route blindly. Not all dumpers who come back end up leaving again. If that were fact, I would have never been born. My parents split after dating for a year and a half. They got back together a year later and were married for 35 years until my father's death... Did your parents split because one of them was cheating and left for another? I think that's a big difference. Trust is probably lost forever, that is why he shouldn't open that door for her. The OP seems to maybe understand what's going on because he does know her better then us, but the point of the matter is that she evidently was cheating before the end and left finally for the other guy. That would be enough for me. I might, and that's a big might, allow to her beg a plead back if she realized her mistake within a few months, but this girl has taken over a year. I just don't see anything here worth OP wasting his time and healing on.
hunk Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Why you are even entertaining getting back with her boggles my mind. She cheated on you and left you for the guy. Where the hell is your self respect? She's never going to respect you again if you allow her back into your life in any way. This is irreparably done. 4
aloneinaz Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Holmes, you've clearly done your homework on the mind of a dumper. She's clearly illustrating all the classic traits. I'll share my dumper story- She ended us after 1.4 years. I VANISHED from her life. She heard NOTHING from me. I met my now almost 2 year GF a few months after my ex dumped me. 5 1/2 months later of NC for either side. She reappeared. Here's what happened. 1st- She actually stopped by my house one afternoon. I was napping. I heard the door bell but figured it was a solicitor. I didn't go to the door. 2nd- She texted a long apology to me the next night. Told me she stopped by the day before to apologize in person. Said all the dumper BS, blah, blah.. I ignored and deleted her text. 3rd- She send a LLLOONNGG email 2 weeks later. Apologizing all over herself for what a POS she was to me. Didn't realize what she had, missed me terribly, wanted to beg me for another chance. I ignored her email. A couple of days later, I ran into her ex husband who I was friendly with. We caught up and I asked about their kids. He asked if I'd heard from the ex. I told him she had just started contacting me again trying to get me back. He chuckled. He said she had just broken up with a guy after a couple of months. She literally contacted me less than a week after her rebound relationship ended. In the mean time, my GF was pissed that she kept contacting me and asked me to let her know I'd moved on, had a GF and to wish her good luck. I did a few days later. 4th- She contacted me again a month later asking if her daughter could sell me girl scout cookies. I replied no thanks and she sent more emails about how much she missed me, blah, blah, blah... Holmes, you know the deal. Clearly, she's reaching out to get a sense of where you are with her. As you stated, dumpers don't "check in" that many months later. There's a reason behind her contact. My suggestion.. Ignore her. As my ex demonstrated, they will keep trying to reach or contact you and eventually make their motives clear. If I was you, I'd say no thanks to being her temporary second choice. There's no way I'd EVER go back to a woman who left me for another guy. You DON'T love someone if you willing to dump them and run off w/someone else. 6
dyna85 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 (edited) I agree with many of the others. Broken trust is very hard to restore. What someone does once, they can and will (most likely) do again. This girl also clearly has issues with having her brother contact you for status updates. She sounds very immature and sneaky. I would cut that out stat and not allow her or her family any insight into your personal dealings any longer. She made her bed (wanting you out of her life), so she deserves to now sleep in it, and be left to wonder how you're doing. You're 10 months into your healing and so you feel like you can do whatever and it won't hurt you but if you get involved with her again, the probability is very high that she will drop you sooner or later and you will have to restart the process and you will be KICKING yourself then. Do not allow her access. Move on. You must shut this door to open a better one. She's not worth it. You have a million people telling you this. Okay, maybe not a million, but a ton of forum members are coming to your aid and defense and trying to get you to snap out of it and do what's best for you. I'm going to go with Satu's mantra on this ex of yours: block, delete, ignore. For real. For your sanity and well being, and so you can find a woman worthy of your kind heart. This ex has serious issues and didn't treat you well at all. Edited June 2, 2015 by dyna85 1
frigginlost Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Did your parents split because one of them was cheating and left for another? I think that's a big difference. Trust is probably lost forever, that is why he shouldn't open that door for her. The OP seems to maybe understand what's going on because he does know her better then us, but the point of the matter is that she evidently was cheating before the end and left finally for the other guy. That would be enough for me. I might, and that's a big might, allow to her beg a plead back if she realized her mistake within a few months, but this girl has taken over a year. I just don't see anything here worth OP wasting his time and healing on. Yes. I won't go into details out of respect for my parents, but things aren't always cut and dry. Everybody in life makes mistakes and for me personally, it is very hard not to forgive. Multiple mistakes of the same kind is a whole different ballgame... My folks were the epitome of the happy couple. Whatever caused what happened to happen, was forgiven and their marriage was successful. Not saying I could have done the same thing in that situation, but I repect the fact that they worked through it and were fantastic parents that loved each other tremendously. My Mom has since re-married but still holds a torch for my father. Her husband lost his wife to Cancer years ago and he still carries a torch for her. It's very sweet how they get on with each other. They both say it's a different kind of love between them than what they shared with their "one and only". I think everyone on these boards might be able to understand what they mean... 2
Author Holmes85 Posted June 2, 2015 Author Posted June 2, 2015 Thank you for sharing your stories aloneinaz and frigginlost. Doesn't matter how you look at my story, the fact is a fact, she wants to re-establish contact and wants to communicate with me again. She is not gonna come out of her shell guns blazing saying "I want you back, you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I made a mistake" no, most of the times, that's not how it works, many test the waters beforehand (like my ex girlfriend is doing right now). My Ex Girlfriend wanted to remain friends with me after the breakup, in fact she tried her best to keep me as a friend, but I shot her down "twice" made it clear that I don't want to be a part of her life anymore and cut communication off completely. She is clearly not after friendship, that much I can tell. Here's what is going to happen in the future: - After some time, she is going to give her best shot at reconciliation - She would keep me as a Plan-B till other attractive prospect shows up and boom she would be in a relationship again, without having any sort of time being single, things would happen very quickly, this relationship of her's would be even shorter than her last one, mainly because she is jumping relationships, her new relationship would feel just like the last relationship, which automatically would start making her thinking about me and how special our relationship truly was and she threw away that for what? or - She would now take her time off from relationships and be single for a while in order to straighten herself out on what she really wants and I am pretty sure she would reach out to me again, the reason I know this is because I know how well I have treated her. Now as for me, the chances are highly likely that by the time she has made up her mind, I would be with someone else, in that case it would be her loss. The bottom line here is this, if she can't remain single for a couple of months, the reconciliation is definitely not happening. 2
quattrob Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 TC, I'd just like to give my thoughts regarding this whole thing. Seems like you've healed quite a bit and you may seem even indifferent about her and the outcome of what's going to happen but I feel you're not just curious on how far she'd go to get perhaps another chance with you, you are in fact hoping that she goes all the way so when that time comes whether you accept or not is not the question or answer rather it's more about her making you feel good about yourself (it would be a lie if your intentions was as simple as curiosity). If your intention is that then I don't condone that kind of game. Yes she did you wrong but why waste your time and play with this girl when you have no interest in getting back with her. That is kind of immature, why not just shut her out completely and move on in your life instead of analyzing and playing this kind of game. Don't get me wrong, as I am not saying what you're doing is wrong but I just find it pointless if you don't want to reconcile and if you did then no idea why you would want to with this girl, she seems really immature and a waste of your time anyways.
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