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living together before marriage - a good or a bad thing?

minimariah

By minimariah
in General Relationship Discussion

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Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
and maybe people get "enough" of each other earlier too.

 

IMO if they would have had 'enough' of each other after a few years, the R is doomed regardless of whether they were married or no. A marriage being more difficult to leave does not change that fact.

 

That being said, I really think this is one of those 'different strokes for different folks' things. I would never, ever marry someone before living together, whereas some people don't believe in living together before marrying. To each their own. The pros/cons depend on a wide range of factors, from the personalities of the people involved, to social/cultural/religious beliefs, to cohabitation laws in various countries. There isn't any one-size-fits-all-solution.

 

And yes, there are couples who have lived together for 10, even 20 years, before marrying, and some never do. I'm not sure why this is held up as some sort of cautionary tale. It's possible that one person was being deceived in which case he/she should have left, but it's also possible that the couple really was HAPPY cohabitating for 20 years because that's what they wanted to do. Not everyone wants to get married ASAP, or thinks that marriage is the #1 goal of a relationship. There is unfortunately a lot of condescension towards such couples, especially towards the woman, and that's awfully sad. Nobody should be socially pressured into making a decision that isn't right for them as an individual.

  • Like 4
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

I agree 100% with what Oldshirt said about the commitment having to come first....

 

I had a LDR for 6 months with my 1st husband and then, at his request, gave up my whole lifestyle to move across the country to live with him. (I did get another job) There was no mention of marriage, but I (foolishly) thought it was on the cards. After 6 months and no mention of progressing the relationship any further, I issued an ultimatum and said that if he wasn't interested in marriage then I was going back home. We were married within a month.

 

Fast forward 7 years. He has an affair and I throw him out and buy out his share of the matrimonial home. He uses the money to buy a new car and moves in with his AP and her mother.

 

6 months later he and his AP buy a house together, with her putting down the deposit. 4 years later and there is no marriage is in sight, so she gets herself pregnant and they get married. :rolleyes:

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I didn't repeat this mistake with my second husband. It wasn't an LDR and we "courted" for 2 years. He suggested marriage after a year and we got engaged and set a wedding date a year later. We did not move in together until after we got married.

 

So far so good ....:)

  • Like 2
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted
I agree 100% with what Oldshirt said about the commitment having to come first....

 

I had a LDR for 6 months with my 1st husband and then, at his request, gave up my whole lifestyle to move across the country to live with him. (I did get another job) There was no mention of marriage, but I (foolishly) thought it was on the cards. After 6 months and no mention of progressing the relationship any further, I issued an ultimatum and said that if he wasn't interested in marriage then I was going back home. We were married within a month.

 

Fast forward 7 years. He has an affair and I throw him out and buy out his share of the matrimonial home. He uses the money to buy a new car and moves in with his AP and her mother.

 

6 months later he and his AP buy a house together, with her putting down the deposit. 4 years later and there is no marriage is in sight, so she gets herself pregnant and they get married. :rolleyes:

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I didn't repeat this mistake with my second husband. It wasn't an LDR and we "courted" for 2 years. He suggested marriage after a year and we got engaged and set a wedding date a year later. We did not move in together until after we got married.

 

So far so good ....:)

 

This proves nothing about living together before marriage.....this just proves that if you have to give a guy an ultimatum to marry you, says a lot about his commitment issues.

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Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

smackie,

.....this just proves that if you have to give a guy an ultimatum to marry you, says a lot about his commitment issues.

 

I totally agree.

 

I was just relating my experience/mistake.

  • Like 1
ASG Established Member

ASG

Posted
Posted
Of course the subject has been discussed. We just decided to live together because we both needed to move anyway and deem our relationship good enough to continue with it indefinitely, committed and all. I don't regard it as a waste of time regardless of whether we get married or not. I don't even know if it's possible to have a relationship when the other person regards it as meaningless. If we do get married it will be for social, legal and formal reasons but it won't change the relationship we are in. And that's not because we're just roommates who share rent. I really do see my partner as my companion in life. Neither is this relationship something I'd throw away over some trivial stuff just because there is no marriage. Not in the past, not now and not in the future. I take my relationship seriously.

 

See... this is my view on relationships. I honestly don't think getting married changes anything.

 

So yes, i would always live with someone before getting married. A wedding is an expensive party and I'd prefer to make sure we are compatible on a 24/7 basis.

 

I know MANY couples that lived together without being married. Some have lasted and maybe eventually got married. Others, no so much, the relationship didn't work for whatever reason.

 

My cousin, for instance, has lived with his "wife" for 9? years now? Something like that. They have bought a house together and have a 5 year old daughter. By portuguese law, they are in a common law marriage. They just haven't signed any papers.

 

They want to. But don't really have the money for the party they'd want to have, as they find that signing the actual marriage paper is perfectly meaningless, as they're "married" anyway. Neither of them thinks it would be "easy" to walk away from the relationship just because they haven't signed a paper.

  • Like 2
Eggplant Established Member

Eggplant

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't live together.

 

 

I need the freedom to break up with a boyfriend at any instance and retreat to my home without him.

 

Breaking up with a live-in partner is such a hassle that incompatible couples stay together too long.

 

The abrupt change in living arrangements would make a break-up that much more upsetting.

 

If he lived with me, I would put pressure on myself with regards to cooking and cleaning and washing his clothes. I will do this for a husband, but for a boyfriend, it's too much.

 

 

I love, LOVE living alone. To the extent that I'm dragging my feet about settling down. When I decide to share my space, it had better be for real.

  • Like 3
candie13 Established Member

candie13

Posted
Posted

if you can have the milk for free, why buy the cow? I would only think about moving in with a dude if I have a ring on my finger and a clear idea about the marriage date.

 

If I am single - aka not married - I should live like a single woman, in my own house.

 

but these are thoughts that i have now, when I am not inlove or seeing anyone. I am sure love changes the equation, it must. I would absolutely looooove to meet this awesome man who rocks my world and makes me change my mind. In the end, I believe it's important to have your own values and reference point, but also be open to the world, to the universe.

 

I've learnt that the hard way.

  • Like 1
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
if you can have the milk for free, why buy the cow? I would only think about moving in with a dude if I have a ring on my finger and a clear idea about the marriage date.

 

If I am single - aka not married - I should live like a single woman, in my own house.

 

but these are thoughts that i have now, when I am not inlove or seeing anyone. I am sure love changes the equation, it must. I would absolutely looooove to meet this awesome man who rocks my world and makes me change my mind. In the end, I believe it's important to have your own values and reference point, but also be open to the world, to the universe.

 

I've learnt that the hard way.

 

I agree with you. If a guy one isn't ready for marriage, I don't want to live like I'm married. I'd rather have the freedom to do as I wish, party and go clubbing without having anyone to answer to. If I want to stay out all night, I should be free to do that if I'm not married.

 

When a guy is serious, you'll know about IMO. I don't do the stuff I do for a husband, for a boyfriend who has not made a firm commitment to me.

 

Obviously, if he turns out to be a nasty violent, abusive man and I was living with him, I'd leave. I wouldn't stay just because we were engaged.

  • Like 1
Dirt Member

Dirt

Posted
Posted

I think it's funny how many woman claim living together to be playing "wife". The guy is playing "husband", too, you know. Oh, but I guess if you can't steal the guy's assets in a divorce maybe he really isn't playing "husband".

 

YOU didn't read it properly - "50% of OUR assets", which surely is fair, no?

 

Only if you had equal incomes (ignoring SAHP).

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