living together before marriage - a good or a bad thing?

May 30, 2015

sooooo... had an interesting discussion today about couples living together before marriage & children. i think people call it "test drive" these days!

so the question is simple -

• do you think couples should try living together before marriage or not? please explain your opinion.

in the discussion i had earlier, we argued that living together before marriage is a good thing in that sense that people REALLY get to know each other... when you live with someone, you basically cannot "hide" - you REALLY get to know each other, each other's habits... and it can either break or make you. HOWEVER... we also noticed that sometimes, living together before marriage can be a bad thing. it's like people know it's a "test drive" so they really won't make it work or try as hard as they would if they had a serious commitment such as marriage and children on their shoulders; it's easier to break up & walk away. and maybe people get "enough" of each other earlier too.

so asking for your personal experience and opinion - do you want to live with you SO before marriage, explain. also, for those who already experienced it - do you think living together was good or bad for you as a couple?

thanks!

May 30, 2015

It's a mixed bag.

As a trial run to see if they want to get married, I'm not a big fan. I have lived with people but it still doesn't prepare you for marriage. When you are living together you can still just get up & leave. It's not that easy to get out of a marriage. Trying not to co-mingle things, leaves everybody a bit on edge. Co-mingling causes more problems when you do split.

To save money, neck no. If you don't have better reason then cash, don't do it.

DH moved in with me about 4 months before our wedding because his lease was up. I owned the house we live in now. That was good because we didn't have to add moving stress to wedding stress or deal with that transition / adjustment period as we settled into our marriage.

May 30, 2015

Been married; actively chose to live in separate domiciles prior to marriage.

In retrospect, there were no red flags which resulted from this choice. I can't speak for my exW but she handed me no surprises when moving in after we were married (she was renting and I had owned the place where I live and work for many years). If she had any quirks relevant to living together as a married couple I was already aware of them.

For myself, the choice is a lifelong philosophical one. I've always lived alone and won't live with someone I'm not legally partnered with. Keeps the tire kickers and hoovers away, mostly.

May 30, 2015

there are men who will live in but not marry ever, the hopelessly romantic girlfriend pretends to be a wife, kidding herself, too embarrassed to admit to herself that she is short-changed by an immature man who has no intentions of 100% settling down, not with her anyway

i have been asked to move in by two exs, when i said i want marriage, they backed off

one let me know he wanted to marry royalty (he had a connection there) but i was merely the live-in

i have my own home with my own lease, would not risk it for a moment

Edited May 30, 2015 by darkmoon

May 30, 2015

The short answer is Yes, if there is a definite intention to get married.

Explanation.....

I have two views on this one. It can be very useful, but IMO men can get too comfortable with living together and be in no rush to get married.

He wanted us to live together and I refused. My parents would have been mortified and I wasn't comfortable with the idea of living together prior to getting engaged at least. I would have felt used , but my H saw it as a way to save money. My principles at the time, were worth more than money.

Having said that, although my marriage is pretty good now, had I seen certain traits through living together, I may not have married him. I've worked on the things I would have liked to be there naturally about him. Got him to my way of thinking. ☺

I dont regret not living together. I wasn't officially living with him, but was spending most nights there anyway.

I'd advise my daughter only to live with a guy, with a view to marriage. That means he proposes first, as I don't want her being a 'wife ' without commitment. It will be her call though.

I don't like ' let's live together and see how we go '. It's too non committal for me.

May 30, 2015

My situation, with my ex, is what happens all too often. The woman wants to get married but settles for living together and playing the wife. The man doesn't necessarily feel strongly about getting married but feels it's convenient and a test run to live together. I've seen living together end in marriage, but it always seems like the woman is ready while the man is dragging his feet.

May 30, 2015

It can be very useful, but IMO men can get too comfortable with living together and be in no rush to get married.

And lord knows we don't want men getting comfortable! Hurry and get that commitment before they figure it all out.

May 30, 2015

Test drive? Definitely!!! But it may not be enough. My ex hid her true nature for five or six years before she started slipping.

More to the point, there is no reason not to take a test drive unless someone is trying to trap someone else.

May 30, 2015

I'm against it for purely practical reasons. It seems like a tremendous hassle to go to all that effort of tying yourself to someone else, emotionally and financially, only to be unceremoniously dumped and have to find a new apartment. If I'm going to go through all that I at least want 50% of our assets. Seriously, though, it seems like too much work and too much risk. I won't move in with anyone until I'm engaged. There are plenty of other arguments against cohabitation, although the "why buy the cow if he has the milk for free" one doesn't seem to be valid. It's 2015 and in most western cultures the vast majority of couples are having sex regardless of whether they're living together.

My boyfriend and I had a state-of-the-relationship chat recently. I told him I was very happy, but I wouldn't be a forever-girlfriend and I planned on marriage eventually. He told me he respected that, that he'd considered marrying me, and to please not rush or pressure him. I'm in no rush at all; I just needed to be sure we were on the same page. He doesn't seem to be averse to the subject either. Just last night he wouldn't stop talking about marriage, kids, and fake-proposing to me with breath mints, floss, or other random household items. (I think it'd be hilarious, especially in front of our friends.) This morning he told me he thought it'd be funny to have an auctioneer as a wedding officiant.

I know couples who have lived together and decided to marry---happily, too. One of the best couples I know has decided to marry after almost four years together, just a year after moving in. I honestly think cohabitation is a non-factor in a relationship. It's only a bad thing when the couple isn't on the same page: when one partner wants to get married and the other doesn't, when one partner is much more invested than the other, etc.

May 30, 2015

I'm against it for purely practical reasons. It seems like a tremendous hassle to go to all that effort of tying yourself to someone else, emotionally and financially, only to be unceremoniously dumped and have to find a new apartment. If I'm going to go through all that I at least want 50% of our assets.

So he owes you because it wasn't right; and out of spite. Even though he obviously went through all of the same things, you are the victim and he owes you.

Got it. Write that down gentlemen.

May 30, 2015

So he owes you because it wasn't right; and out of spite. Even though he obviously went through all of the same things, you are the victim and he owes you.

Got it. Write that down gentlemen.

YOU didn't read it properly - "50% of OUR assets", which surely is fair, no?

May 30, 2015

And lord knows we don't want men getting comfortable! Hurry and get that commitment before they figure it all out.

You've just had a bad experience.

Everyone should be comfortable and happy, but men can really drag their feet about it. Plus my H had 3 brothers all living with girlfriends, I saw a family trend and I wasn't gonna be a forever live in lover like the rest of them.

It was his choice. We carry on dating and if you want marriage, we get engaged, if not, we go our seperate ways. I'm not going to live with a man and do wifely duties, when I'm not a wife. I assess people fairly quickly. I knew my now H, had qualities I wanted in a H, ,so I wasn't ready to waste time.

If someone changes after 5 or 6 years? I wouldn't say they hid themselves, maybe they just changed.

I hear people who after 20 plus years of marriage find their spouse was cheating and living a double life. If they want to hide it, , they will and no matter how long you take the test drive, you'll never see their true colours.

May 30, 2015

More to the point, there is no reason not to take a test drive unless someone is trying to trap someone else.

I don't disagree with you, but I have realized that men and women often view living together differently. I think that most women see living together as a precursor to marriage, and many women are ready to marry before they agree to live with their BF. Men see it as a test drive or just as a way to compromise if they aren't ready to get married. I know one couple who doesn't plan to get married until gay marriage is legal in all states, and they are both on the same page. They are the exception to the rule.

There is still that stigma attached to a woman who lives with a man for years, and the man won't marry her. I think women also tend to be the keepers of the home, for lack of a better word. We are more nurturing and more into making the house a home. We are usually the ones who are decorating the home, and we often take pride in that. So we just see a joint living space as something different than a man might.

May 30, 2015

I don't disagree with you, but I have realized that men and women often view living together differently. I think that most women see living together as a precursor to marriage, and many women are ready to marry before they agree to live with their BF. Men see it as a test drive or just as a way to compromise if they aren't ready to get married. I know one couple who doesn't plan to get married until gay marriage is legal in all states, and they are both on the same page. They are the exception to the rule.

Well I think women hardly make it clear what their intentions are necessarily, they don't tell you what X means to men they just want men to already know or read their minds. So for men it always feels like women are trying to sneak in a commitment and this is all some ultimate plan to get a ring on her finger when she finally does spring the "where is this going" conversation. Men are taking it a step at a time, without feeling the need to rush the situation or to put a stamp of commitment on it called marriage, which hardly seals a commitment in the end.

Women tend to be so eager to "settle down"...I don't think you can blame a man for being apprehensive when the criteria often seems so basic...after all, how many women would have married men they were with in the past that they were with, had those men been willing? technically they wouldn't even have been single to have met you. And yet they often talk so poorly about those men in their past and those relationships tend to have unresolved problems, so clearly that would have been a disaster if you were to follow the desire of a woman.

It often is that women want to marry for the sake of being married, before even being concerned about the actual state of the relationship or a number of other things, so many women are willing to go in completely blind into things romantically, which would ultimately lead to more unhappy marriages than their already are...that's not how men like to do things, especially with 50 percent of your assets on the line among other things to sacrifice, which seems unnecessary.

So as a woman, if you really want to be married and marry the "right man"...why does it seem women are so eager to marry "the guy she just met" and have only been in a relationship a short while with? she's already considering that potential and future, without even truly knowing the man..therefore it's often the man that can initiate the pace of things in terms of commitment because women seem to be all too willing...which begs the question, whom does this really serve?

It seems to be in the best interest of women to be married by a large margin, she wants to know what she's investing and getting involved in, or committing to...in all fairness I can understand a desire to rather be working on something permanent than temporary, however in life and especially relationships, things tend to take time to develop into that stage which require awareness of first and there's other ways of women figuring out long-term commitment and there should be some kind of requirements she needs fulfilled....all too often women waste their own time making very stupid decisions with even poor choices in partners, because they're like holding out for the situation to change, when they should just leave and move on.

At the end of the day you have to be responsible and accountable for your own decisions and actions, instead of blaming the other person for your decisions because you feel they influenced them. A lot of women figure it out and can force/pressure man into commitments like marriage, and then they wonder why the man isn't completely on-board or invested, or even necessarily thrilled as she drills into him the next expectations of her life plan. In the end, the man will neither be motivated or very invested, you might have the mighty marriage label you've always wanted...but when you put the award above the substance and quality of the relationship, the communication and mutual desires and motivations of both partners which should be genuine, then you're basically riding a horse backwards and you're just never ultimately going to get what you want out of it...because that wasn't the priority, it only seems after the fact that women realize that rush may have not been worth it after all, that the title of marriage may have not been everything she expected, she might even be the one wanting out of that marriage.

There is still that stigma attached to a woman who lives with a man for years, and the man won't marry her. I think women also tend to be the keepers of the home, for lack of a better word. We are more nurturing and more into making the house a home. We are usually the ones who are decorating the home, and we often take pride in that. So we just see a joint living space as something different than a man might.

There is a stigma of a woman who lives with a man for many years because while men need time to decide whether they want to commit to something long-term, they don't need forever and in the end for men it usually is a emotional/sexual/attraction based decision.

Two wise and experienced individuals should care about more, but two people stupidly in-love will probably thereby make some pretty foolish decisions that will come to bite them later on...it's just the way it is.

Often times however, that man is dating that woman even from the beginning...knowing full well he never wants to marry this woman, and this I would classify as most relationship dynamics. You're not really THE ONE for him, but it's convenient, it's the best he can get, and you're on this push to get this man to ultimately commit...which is why this man moves forward. If every man was a James Bond, it'd be a whole different story and dynamic here.

If you want a man to be onboard with let's face it YOUR future goals, then tell him that moving in together is a big step forward in the relationship and let him understand the decisions he's making...because for women claiming to desire men who are honest and faithful, they sure don't mind being manipulative when they have to be in order to get a commitment out of something, which is why they don't broach certain subjects or topics, as to not scare said man away.

Women also often do all these things in a mans life, not just for him, but to ingrain herself in his life, to become important, to make herself a larger factor...it's not just out of love, we all know this is a nesting technique used by women to try and string things a little closer, unless you take away the expectations..if she had no expectations for anything she did, then she'd neither be disappointed or manipulative.

So if you want to be clear and straight-forward, just like you expect your men to be, then stop trying to push men into commitments. Let them give those commitments and make those gestures to you, because if you have to force a guy or push him into something, how genuine can he really be? this should be a mutual feeling and decision, not you tapping your foot waiting for him to come around...which he never will, he'd already have initiated marriage if it was that important to him after a certain time.

So yes, there are tricks and ways of getting men to commit and marry but be careful with what you wish for, because after you get that carrot on a stick you've been dangling in front of yourself your whole life, it might not taste as good as you thought it did in the long term.

...............

And to the OP, of course you should live with a partner before marriage, that's an important stage in the relationship. However, if you're persistent about marrying a man who's willing to jump into marriage before then, then simply hold out for one, I'm sure eventually he'll come around and make an irresponsible decision with you...maybe you'll even get lucky and it'll work out and you can praise yourself like you knew what you were doing and encourage others to do it.

But there is no penalty, or playing house-wife...that's your own decision, and if you don't ever feel like you're getting something back for what you give, if you don't feel like there is reciprocation for what you do and give to this relationship, then you're not doing it right anyway and marriage will no more validate what you give, it's sad that marriage for women alone is that important, but unfortunately that title seems to be worth quite a bit alone..which to me is kind of twisted.

You give what you're willing to give and what you're willing to do, you're not being cheated, but don't give it to be married...be a grown-up and have those conversations, stop being such a chicken about these conversations with men, if it's important to him and he feels the same way it would probably already have been mentioned it by him however, you probably wouldn't even have to say anything.

And to the last quote, I've actually always done the interior decorations, organizing of furniture, managing of the bills, maintenance and organize and manage things overall that she may be unaware of or lack...even if she's someone who is generally independent and responsible which is the kind of women I tend to date. And she tends to step in and do what I may not have done for myself, which is why every good woman I've been in a relationship has made me a better man, and I've made them a better woman.

It's sad to me that women are more obsessed with marriage, than so many more important things and emotions in a relationship..I've always questioned why they're willing to sacrifice so much, for something that might force a guy to stay a little while longer in the end...because it never means forever, it's usually just extends the struggle and bitter end of a relationship and makes it more scarring...don't know why people would believe in a system like that, because otherwise the other person wouldn't "fight" hard enough...what a stupid excuse to get married in my book.

May 30, 2015

i don't think you need to. the stuff that'll break up the relationship are the bigger issues like money, kids, in-laws, etc., and not the things you would discover by living together daily. the daily things are just annoyances that people end up breaking-up over, but they aren't big issues. how he/she makes the bed, or neatness, or toothpaste-squeezing become top issues because people move in and start picking each other apart.

May 30, 2015

And to the OP, of course you should live with a partner before marriage, that's an important stage in the relationship.

the discussion is not about me, it's about living together & "test driving" in general. just making it clear!

However, if you're persistent about marrying a man who's willing to jump into marriage before then, then simply hold out for one, I'm sure eventually he'll come around and make an irresponsible decision with you...maybe you'll even get lucky and it'll work out and you can praise yourself like you knew what you were doing and encourage others to do it.

ehhh... i'm surrounded with 70+ years old folks who have been married for over half of their lives and none of them lived together before the actual marriage. living together before marriage is something that has become "popular" only in recent years and i don't really see marrying before a "test drive" as an irresponsible decision.

as far as getting lucky goes...? in my opinion, every successful marriage is a matter of mostly luck (yes, it takes love, work and so on...) - so there is that.

It's sad to me that women are more obsessed with marriage, than so many more important things and emotions in a relationship..I've always questioned why they're willing to sacrifice so much, for something that might force a guy to stay a little while longer in the end...

i don't think that being obsessed with marriage is something that's specific ONLY for women - i'd say that, after they reach a certain age, men are even WORSE; especially when they get

that being said, this is not a thread about one partner wanting marriage and trying to force the other one into it - it's more about both people wanting the same thing and moving towards the same goal (marriage). so, they BOTH want to marry but the Q is -- should they do a test drive before it OR not?

...because otherwise the other person wouldn't "fight" hard enough...what a stupid excuse to get married in my book.

it is actually logical - you fight and try harder when there is more to lose. as simple as that.

May 30, 2015

In retrospect, there were no red flags which resulted from this choice.

red flags is why i think a "test drive" is a good thing - of there ARE any, you can detect them early if you're living with a person.

May 30, 2015

i don't think you need to. the stuff that'll break up the relationship are the bigger issues like money, kids, in-laws, etc., and not the things you would discover by living together daily. the daily things are just annoyances that people end up breaking-up over, but they aren't big issues. how he/she makes the bed, or neatness, or toothpaste-squeezing become top issues because people move in and start picking each other apart.

makes sense! i agree with you.

May 30, 2015

To "test drive" the RL before you married is achieved with at least six months of pre-marital counseling - not shacking-up.

How is sharing the same toothbrush gonna let me know how someone's finances, cleanliness, views on kids, religion, etc are?

I can visit someone's home, look at inside their car, how they dress, etc and get a feel of what their finances, cleanliness, etc is. That's why when you're dating, you take 1 1/2 to 2 years to actually "observe" that person. At the 1 1/2 to 2 year mark if you wanna marry them, you propose and then the pre-marital counseling starts to see if you two are on the same sheet of music on "practical" things (finances, kids, who stays home, religion).

When you move in, there's also pressure on the couple to "make it work"...so, even if while shacking-up, they see red flags in the RL, they push through cuz they are having sex, commingling finances.

Also, believe it or not, until you put an actual ring on that finger - that person is probably gonna be on their best behavior. There's a different mentality that comes on once it's "official" (the actual marriage). So, while living together/shacking up, you "think" you're getting a preview of what they would be like as a spouse - you probably won't see that till it's official.

Also, when you shack-up, it's like wearing a wedding gown/tuxedo to work - you take something "special" (a wedding gown/tuxedo) and turn it into something casual (a work uniform), so, when the wedding actually takes place - "what" do you have to look forward to? I mean, on the Honeymoon is when you to "consummate" the marriage...well, screw that cuz in shacking-up, sex already happened. Him "carrying you over the threshold"? Eh, forget that too, cuz your foot done passed back and forth the doorstep with him during the shack-up cuz you two already are sharing a house/apt.

And lastly - which sorta ties into the pressure being put on to proceed with marriage, despite red flags during a shack-up - one (or even both) people in the RL usually have one foot outside the door. So, they agree to a shack-up not with the intent to marry, but to "pressure" one side into marriage by "claiming" they are ok w/o the piece of paper; while, the other person is just content with "having the cow w/o buying the milk. So, if they eventually end up marrying, they did it under pressure when the whole time they had one foot outside of the door through out the whole RL.

How shacking up leads to divorce | New York Post

Living Together, Marriage, and Divorce: a Complex relationship

Edited May 30, 2015 by Gloria25

May 30, 2015

Well I think women hardly make it clear what their intentions are necessarily, they don't tell you what X means to men they just want men to already know or read their minds. So for men it always feels like women are trying to sneak in a commitment and this is all some ultimate plan to get a ring on her finger when she finally does spring the "where is this going" conversation. Men are taking it a step at a time, without feeling the need to rush the situation or to put a stamp of commitment on it called marriage, which hardly seals a commitment in the end.

I think you're right. Both men and women assume that their partners have the same expectations. Women just assume that men think the way they do and vice versa. In my situation, engagement had already been discussed, and he said he wanted to get married. He was actually the one who brought it up. I would never have agreed to move in otherwise. After the fact, he started to drag his feet and ultimately dumped me.

But I never told him that I only agreed to move in because I was certain we were getting married. We never discussed that at all because I just figured he knew that. Turns out, I guess he didn't know that. So we weren't open at all in discussing our expectations of our living arrangement. The entire situation ended up being one big mess in the end, and I regret ever moving in with him.

When I look back on it, I feel that he wasn't really serious when he said he wanted to get married. To this day, I have no clue why he feed me so much BS about wanting to get married. I feel that he had second thoughts and never expressed those to me. I think that our living together was just a convenient arrangement for him and his son, or he would have ended it sooner. So I do feel like he viewed the entire thing as a test drive, but I viewed it a something completely different. And a lot of my expectations were due to the lines he would feed me. He planted a lot of ideas in my head that I don't think he ever intended on fulfilling.

Anyway, I think my situation is a pretty typical and a cautionary tale. Everyone around me was telling me not to move in with him, but I wouldn't listen. Everyone else could see it but me.

May 30, 2015

It's sad to me that women are more obsessed with marriage, than so many more important things and emotions in a relationship..I've always questioned why they're willing to sacrifice so much, for something that might force a guy to stay a little while longer in the end...because it never means forever, it's usually just extends the struggle and bitter end of a relationship and makes it more scarring...don't know why people would believe in a system like that, because otherwise the other person wouldn't "fight" hard enough...what a stupid excuse to get married in my book.

It's weird, but my relationship was the opposite. My ex was always the one to bring up marriage. He was always talking about "when we get married. . . ." He honestly seemed obsessed with getting married just for the sake of being married. He's actually the only guy I've ever considered marrying, and what a mistake that was. We actually dated for 2 years before living together, and, even then, I only moved in because he had bought me an engagement ring, told my family he wanted to marry me.

You also mentioned earlier about a guy knowing early on that you are not for him. I completely agree. I think my ex knew all along that he was never going to marry me, but he kept me around for convenience. I was like an ego booster for him, and I was basically raising his son while he worked long hours. I honestly think the guy never had any intention of staying with me, but, as the years went on, it just got easier to maintain the status quo. I think he realized he made a huge misstep when he said he wanted to marry me, and he spent a year trying to figure a way out of the mess he created. While I was going along, thinking we were getting married, he had one foot out the door the entire time.

May 31, 2015

There is no way you can really tell how someone is like unless you live with them. Living together shows how you both stack up to sharing expenses, space, responsibilities, and how reliable they are. If you can't work as a team, you just saved yourself the expense of a wedding and a divorce.

May 31, 2015

sooooo... had an interesting discussion today about couples living together before marriage & children. i think people call it "test drive" these days!

so the question is simple -

• do you think couples should try living together before marriage or not? please explain your opinion.

in the discussion i had earlier, we argued that living together before marriage is a good thing in that sense that people REALLY get to know each other... when you live with someone, you basically cannot "hide" - you REALLY get to know each other, each other's habits... and it can either break or make you. HOWEVER... we also noticed that sometimes, living together before marriage can be a bad thing. it's like people know it's a "test drive" so they really won't make it work or try as hard as they would if they had a serious commitment such as marriage and children on their shoulders; it's easier to break up & walk away. and maybe people get "enough" of each other earlier too.

so asking for your personal experience and opinion - do you want to live with you SO before marriage, explain. also, for those who already experienced it - do you think living together was good or bad for you as a couple?

thanks!

minimariah,

I can only give you what my wife and I did. We moved in together, when I was 17 and she 19. We "lived together for 2 years, and then married. We have been together for over 40 years. In our case, I do not think that it was a bad thing, as neither one of us could not lived alone away from our parents, but together we could. When she first moved out, with in 3 months, I was paying 1/2 the rent and sending her money. We then decide to have me move in as soon as I completed the GED. When we set up house together, we were committed, and started planing getting married. For us, it was a economic chose, as much as a relationship issue. The fact that both side of our families, did not like us together, and worked to break us up, just made us more determined to make it work. It did work, because together, we were able to do a lot things that we would not have been able to do a single.

2947

May 31, 2015

I didn't live with hubs prior to getting married. Yes, I stayed over quite often, but that's a far cry from living with someone, and it was almost like culture shock for a while.

May 31, 2015

Not sure it applies, but I'm an advocate of never living together. As in, if I somehow got married (not gonna happen), I still wouldn't want to live together.

'Staying' together is ok, as long as you can easily and quickly put the other out when you get tired of them. (So yeah, a drawer with your things, okay. Your car transmission in the garage, no.) I do a lot of sleepovers naturally, and maybe even a few 2 or 3 day things, but they always eventually leave. Works great.

Sign In

living together before marriage - a good or a bad thing?

Recommended Posts

minimariah

d0nnivain

carhill

darkmoon

sandylee1

BC1980

Robert Z

Robert Z

lana-banana

Robert Z

elaine567

sandylee1

BC1980

Ninjainpajamas

newmoon

minimariah

minimariah

minimariah

Gloria25

BC1980

BC1980

smackie9

understand50

Methodical

jen1447

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...