Men how do you view divorced women who didnt get custody of the kids?

[minimariah]

They were both old enough to decide for themselves though, could have been different had they been younger. TBH it made me respect him a lot more as a man and as a father.

 

also, forgot to comment on this.

 

when a woman (a mother) gets a primary custody, you won't ever hear folks say that they "respect her as a mother even more" -- but you WILL hear folks saying how they "respect" a father with a primary custody solely on the fact that he has a primary custody. it suddenly becomes a competition.

 

interesting thing - to many women, when a father with a primary custody is in question -- that primary custody serves as some kind of proof that he is, in fact, a good guy. to many men, when a mother with a primary custody is in question -- her being a single parent is actually a red flag and kids are seen as more of a baggage than anything.

 

this is a perfect example of how fathers are viewed as "less than" parents and it's actually shocking when they do take care of their kids, so shocking that people respect them even more (merely for being a parent).

 

so it's not weird at all that people pass judgement on those mothers who don't have primary custody - mothers are viewed as parents and fathers are viewed as someone who is around but gets extra points if he actually starts taking care of his kids.

[compulsivedancer]

I do think of this as a red flag, but I think for me a red flag doesn't mean instant dealbreaker. It means stop and assess, research, find out more. Proceed with caution.

 

I think the reason it is a red flag is not necessarily that mothers are more capable, but that the courts usually award kids to mothers barring extraordinary circumstances. So I would want to know what those circumstances are.

 

I know my cousins chose to live with their dad after living with their mom for a few years. They were boys and they chose their dad. I'm not sure if the youngest was old enough to completely make the choice, but it sounds like there was a story involved with their step-dad hitting them (as far as I know, this didn't actually happen, but was manufactured to guarantee going to their dad). But I'm not sure if that would have mattered. Since the older one was old enough to choose, and the younger one wanted to be with dad, I'm not sure if they would have awarded primary custody of kids to different parents.

 

I would be willing to entertain the story, but I think I'd want to meet the kids and assess their relationship to their mom before making any decisions.

[alphamale]

they must either be druggies or alcoholics. they could also we wacko-nutcases

[PrettyEmily77]

errrmmmm... no, actually. i didn't pass any judgement on her OR her parenting - i simply said that the fact that she didn't "fight" for her kids and went against their wishes doesn't mean that she "chose to put her happiness 1st" -- it means that she respects her children's wishes. how do you even "fight" for a child who doesn't want to be with you? i was focusing ONLY on that example, if it wasn't clear enough.

 

 

 

errrm, again - you cannot "fight" for a child who has a say in where to live & DOESN'T choose you. which was the point of my post - you seem to see "fighting" as some kind of proof of a good parenting when in reality, it's anything BUT that. it's actually extremely selfish & doesn't help the kids - so my post was more about how "fighting" for children is seen than it was about you, your case & that mother.

Okay, maybe I misinterpreted your post. In this particular case though, fighting or no fighting, she isn't a great parent. And it may seem strange but one thing my guy told me was that despite the boys choosing to stay with their father, they were surprised abd very disturbed that she didn't even try to convince them, and the younger one doesn't want much to do with her. Apparently, it is also possible for mothers not to be great parents.

[PrettyEmily77]

also, forgot to comment on this.

 

when a woman (a mother) gets a primary custody, you won't ever hear folks say that they "respect her as a mother even more" -- but you WILL hear folks saying how they "respect" a father with a primary custody solely on the fact that he has a primary custody. it suddenly becomes a competition.

 

interesting thing - to many women, when a father with a primary custody is in question -- that primary custody serves as some kind of proof that he is, in fact, a good guy. to many men, when a mother with a primary custody is in question -- her being a single parent is actually a red flag and kids are seen as more of a baggage than anything.

 

this is a perfect example of how fathers are viewed as "less than" parents and it's actually shocking when they do take care of their kids, so shocking that people respect them even more (merely for being a parent).

 

so it's not weird at all that people pass judgement on those mothers who don't have primary custody - mothers are viewed as parents and fathers are viewed as someone who is around but gets extra points if he actually starts taking care of his kids.

 

I personally have the exact same respect for my guy as I have for any other single parent, father or mother - or any parent for that matter, single or not. I don't know what point you're trying to make, and maybe where you live affects things but from what I can see around me, things are changing significantly in terms of child custody, and fathers take a much more active role in their kids' lives in every possible way. Where I live, there are tons of stay-at-home fathers, fathers who have shared custody, etc.

[lollipopspot]

the courts usually award kids to mothers barring extraordinary circumstances

 

The courts are actually gender neutral now. Custody is based on role in the child's life, not gender.

[sandylee1]

The courts are actually gender neutral now. Custody is based on role in the child's life, not gender.

 

That's not really the case, despite them saying it's in the interest of the child.

 

Depending on the age, the mother is usually the primary carer. All my female friends, family and coworkers were the primary carers. It's the mom who gets the first call if the child is ill at school, the mom's who know the class teacher, mom's who arrange kids play dates etc. I'm not saying NO men do this, but it's not the norm.

 

So for a court to award custody to the father , would seem odd where the mother IS the primary caregiver.

 

I guess in spite of equality, society still seem to praise a man managing with kids more than they do women.

 

A few years back, I was out of town and my dd had a extra curricular performance. My H was taking her, but another mom called me and said she'd willingly do it to save him the trouble as her dd was going as well. If I was there she wouldn't have offered this, but she felt my H needed help.

 

I said thanks but. ....let him do it all on his own, like I usually did. Lol.

 

I find its often women, who want to help men/single dads out with kids.

 

When some school moms would see my H out with the kids, -they come back and tell me how he's so good and I'm so lucky he spends time with them. Nobody says I'm great when I'm out with them most of the time, because it's expected.

[understand50]

I was with a group of friends having relationship discussions and this came up. A couple of the guys said they wouldn't seriously date a woman whose kids lived with the Ex. They said it meant something had gone wrong, because women always get custody. They would only be with this kind of woman in the short term because she was unlikely to be 'wife /mother material'.

 

I did think in this world we live in, it's one area where women don't have to fight as much, because the natural tendency would be for the kids to be primarily with the mother.

 

 

Most of the cases I personally hear of where the dad gets custody are where drugs, alcohol , substance misuse, poor parenting skills or mental health issues are prevalent. I know there are other reasons.

 

So .................. for single guys, would you be concerned if a potential GF didn't have custody of her kids?

 

Would you see it as a red flag and draw conclusions of any kind ?

 

I am not trying to date, but when I hear of a woman losing contact with their children, I feel sad for them. I can not imagine not being with my kids, and a mother must really feel it. I know of one childhood friend that had her children taken by a Ex who just disappeared, she never gave up hope she would see them again. Point is, until you know the all the facts, keep a open mind.

 

14631465

[Popsicle]

I know a few women who gave up custody. They all went on to marry men with no kids and who never wanted kids. So maybe childless men who don't want children would be fine with it for sure.

[toscaroscura]

I don't have "primary" custody of my son. I would hope that anyone I date would hear my story before judging me.

 

We technically have joint custody, but due to my job and its hours, it would be disruptive to my son's school schedule to insist he spend every night with me, as I get out of work when he should be in bed. Summer time is more flexible.

 

My ex has our house. This is the house my son was born in and it was in my ex's family for 3 generations. When I left to get my apartment across town, I did not want the house or to make my ex sell it to get money. Nor do I want the house myself; I feel like it's not my right to just take a house his grandfather built with his hands. Also, the house is close to our son's school. Lastly, I can't afford that house by myself, even if I wanted. My ex makes FAR more money than I.

 

It is far more important that our son's life be as non-disrupted as possible. He still has his old bedroom, his school, his friends. He spends most of his time with his dad, but I see him every day in the mornings and on my days off.

 

My ex and I are amicable, and we work together to help our son avoid any type of after or before school care.

 

I'm not a druggie, I don't abuse or hate my son. I wish I could have him every day, full time, but it just is what it is.

[sandylee1]

I don't have "primary" custody of my son. I would hope that anyone I date would hear my story before judging me.

 

We technically have joint custody, but due to my job and its hours, it would be disruptive to my son's school schedule to insist he spend every night with me, as I get out of work when he should be in bed. Summer time is more flexible.

 

My ex has our house. This is the house my son was born in and it was in my ex's family for 3 generations. When I left to get my apartment across town, I did not want the house or to make my ex sell it to get money. Nor do I want the house myself; I feel like it's not my right to just take a house his grandfather built with his hands. Also, the house is close to our son's school. Lastly, I can't afford that house by myself, even if I wanted. My ex makes FAR more money than I.

 

It is far more important that our son's life be as non-disrupted as possible. He still has his old bedroom, his school, his friends. He spends most of his time with his dad, but I see him every day in the mornings and on my days off.

 

My ex and I are amicable, and we work together to help our son avoid any type of after or before school care.

 

I'm not a druggie, I don't abuse or hate my son. I wish I could have him every day, full time, but it just is what it is.

 

This is a very selfless act.

 

I also think the younger the age of children with the father, the more concerned people might be. Especially if the father has the child in daycare and the mother either doesn't work or works less hours than the father.

 

You never know the full story till you're told, but unfortunately some people draw conclusions, even in 2015 and I doubt that will drastically change in the future, but who knows.