Best friend for 8 years turns out to be a big problem in my life.

[Jorisky]

I am 18 years old and have known my best friend for 8 maybe 9 years now. I call him my best friend since we always were, and this has basicly become a fact for both of us. But now that i am growing up and starting to see what life really is, I don't know what to think of him anymore. He is not shy but just unsure of himself. Seeing as I know him for such a long time I am 100% sure I know how he feels in situations all the time. Same goes the other way around. I am shy/unsure as well.

 

The problem is that everytime we do stuff together we have a great time. But when there are other people around too, he acts SO different then when we are alone. I feel like when it's just us two, he is himself. When there are other people he feels the need to prove himself i think. I am not saying he suddenly starts acting tough or completely different, he just reacts different to me. Like he is ashamed of being the person he is when we are alone. So what happens is, he reacts different to me most of all, because he thinks he is better. I know this because whenever i get any recognition or something from other friends he just can't have it. Especially when someone agrees with me and not him.

I have trouble talking in a group or even another person and he just makes it worse. When I say something he always tries to find something wrong with what i said and he just loses his sh*t and acts like I am retarded. Most of the time he is irrational and is always trying to get into an argument. He LOVES arguing. Mostly about stuff that is not relavent, important or even worth arguing about.

The point is i just want to have fun and talk about stuff, but instead he tries to find ways to prove me wrong and start a argument. I don't even want to. When i ignore the argument and try to talk about something else, he jokingly says i'm mad or goes on about how he was right. Then he thinks there is something wrong with me because I act 'different'. I am just sick of arguing ALL the time.

 

Whenever I tell him something about my life, things that i enjoy or self improvements or whatever, he doesn't make me feel good about it. Even when it is great what I did or am going to do. Other people would say: "That's great man, ....." and just ask around and have a conversation. I do enjoy hanging out with him alone though. He is a great person really and I don't want to lose him. I can't imagine life without him. Sometimes i imagine what it would feel like losing him and it just feels like my life broke in two pieces and one piece just went missing.

 

I am always scared when we are going to do something in a large group when he is joining as well. I mean what the hell? A person i have known for so long and he just feels like a bully around other people. Other friends like him though, since he treats them with respect and actually believes them when they say something. He thinks I am stupid when i say something like I don't know what a fact is. He seriously gets mad at me and starts making me look like a fool in front of everyone. And then when someone says to him: "No your wrong he is actually right", he instantly believes the other person and acts all suprised. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

When I start talking to him about this he acts like I am making huge problems of everything and shouldn't whine so much. At least knowing him, I'm sure this is what he would do. I haven't tried it yet.

 

Anyone got advice for this matter? I really don't want to lose him but I can't ignore this problem any longer. It prevents me from improving myself, especially socially.

 

Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

You are both growing & changing, struggling to figure out who you are as people & your own places in this world. It's part of growing up.

 

Just accept this as a phase in your relationship. Spend the time you enjoy with him alone but distance yourself from him in groups since you don't like who he becomes then.

 

Your friendship is evolving.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Sounds like an Avril Lavigne song.

 

 

Tell him that his fakery is highly douchy to you & you don't want to be around that.

[GoldieLox]

I have a sister like that. She is fine when we are alone, but when we are at family gatherings, she calls me out on everything I say, feels the need to humiliate me in front of the group, and tries to make herself look wonderful. In the end, what she doesn't realize, is that she is only making herself look like the fool. It stems from her deep insecurities and her loathing of always being compared to me growing up (she's younger). I used to sit there and respond to her, until I realized it wasn't worth it. I just pretend she's not talking and carry on.

 

I know it's tough to deal with a person like this. Unfortunately, I don't know if talking to him will do any good either. He'll either not see what you mean, or get really defensive. If you can try and ignore it, it may be the best option. How large of a group do you hang out with? Is there any way to break away with a few people and have a conversation with them, or do you all engage in the same conversation? The good news is, you're only 18. Still plenty of time for personalities to develop and change.

[spiderowl]

That's a tough one. He could be jealous of the attention you are receiving from others and want the focus on him instead. Another possibility (and you would have a better idea than me) is that he might be gay or bi? If so, being with you when others are around might feel threatening to him as if they might steal you away. Have a think about what might be behind this change in behaviour.

 

Regardless, just because you are his friend, you don't have to put up with him belittling you and arguing and making your social life tense. If you find you can't talk to him about it, but don't want to lose him as a friend, then I suggest you go out on your own with your friends and just don't take him. If he questions this - as he probably will once he realises - just state that he treats you badly when you are with friends and so it's best you both don't go out in social groups together. This will make him think. By doing it and not consulting with him first or trying to tackle him about the subject, you are showing him by your actions you will not put up with it. If he can't discuss the issue with you without blaming you, what else can you do?

 

Just take to walking out on him whenever he's giving you grief. He'll soon learn that if he wants your company, he's going to have to deal with his issues or learn to control himself better.