Reached a new hurdle

June 22, 2015

Hey Guys, I just got back from my trip and I'm feeling much better. Not perfect but I cannot complain anymore. FYI it is 3 months NC now. Thank you guys so much for responding, it has made an enormous difference.

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Looks to me that you're going through the motions of a breakup quite well. Continue doing your thing..

Also...Bang her mom.

Hehe...you're onto something there . Seriously though, some how you looked over what I saw as an endless raving misery and perceived it as progress. It was. My current thought process is: I appreciate the break up. In spite of that I think my ex and I are compatible and I hope we get another shot. The key difference is that I'm relaxed about the idea. When it feels right I'll reach out and regardless of the result, my life will still be wonderful.

DJO,

You might consider dating a bit... get through the "I'm comparing my date to the ex". You don't have to get serious, but you might find someone that's fun that will take your mind off your ex.

Earlier, I tried dating but I did not enjoy it. I went on a date yesterday and I had fun. I didn't feel much of a connection but it was enjoyable. I did not think of my ex and even now as I write this, I am calm. I think I will continue going on dates with different people and just see where the world takes me.

Also, I've found mingling with lots of friends helps a lot, too. Spend time with them... find activities with them.

Yeah, around the time of the break up I lost a lot of friends through a confluence of circumstances. I believe that was large compounding factor in how hard I took this break up. I have a desire to make and remake connections that I haven't had in a long time. Outside of my mind nothing has changed but the glass is definitely half full right now.

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The real gain from this struggle was a lesson that I sorely needed to learn:

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."

- Albert Camus

June 24, 2015

My current biggest hang up is that I romanticize my previous relationship. I have it on a pedestal. I don't have my ex on a pedestal. She was/is a flawed human being...we all are. But the relationship...the way we complemented each other was something else.

When her and I met we hit it off instantly. We caught each other's eyes and we started talking, we kissed, we swapped numbers, we talked the night away...then we had a date the next day and the rest was history. We went on a number of trips together, we spent our first anniversary in paris. It was like a fairytale.

I go on dates and I meet new girls...girls with different qualities. Girls who are more accomplished, girls who are more beautiful, etc. But it just doesn't compare. Is it unreasonable for me to hold my new interactions to these standards?

For example I thought I was hitting it off well with a girl two days ago (different girl than the previous post) but she hasnt responded to me...and well I was excited by her but I don't really mind. It was just another interaction.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I meet a new girl and she's interested she's "just another girl who is interested in me" and if she isn't she's "just another girl who isn't interested". There is no weight on these interactions, there's nothing special about it.

And so...I end up thinking of my previous relationship a lot. I miss it. I long for it. My feelings are different than before...it isn't really about my ex in particular, there's no anger or insecurity or hurt, I just long for something that has passed by.

I started this thread about a month ago and it's a great catalogue of my progress for me. I can take comfort in having come a long way. Who knows where my thoughts will be a month from now?

Also, as I've said a few times my ex is travelling, she will be gone until August. It just hit me that I will never talk to her again. Or rather, we will never have a deep conversation or connection again. I don't know why that just hit me now. I guess I always figured we could enter eachother's lives casually eventually. It sucks because in spite of how little I think about her compared to earlier my ideal situation, the deep dream I hold is to be with her again. Sad to realize that. Oh well.

Venting here really helps. The days following a post like this almost always go better for me. Thank you, everyone for the support.

Edited June 24, 2015 by DJOkawari

June 24, 2015

Whenever my ex came painfully to mind, I would silently say, "I free you to live your life in peace and harmony. I'm not holding you."

It helped me to let go.

June 24, 2015

My current biggest hang up is that I romanticize my previous relationship. I have it on a pedestal. I don't have my ex on a pedestal. She was/is a flawed human being...we all are. But the relationship...the way we complemented each other was something else.

When her and I met we hit it off instantly. We caught each other's eyes and we started talking, we kissed, we swapped numbers, we talked the night away...then we had a date the next day and the rest was history. We went on a number of trips together, we spent our first anniversary in paris. It was like a fairytale.

I go on dates and I meet new girls...girls with different qualities. Girls who are more accomplished, girls who are more beautiful, etc. But it just doesn't compare. Is it unreasonable for me to hold my new interactions to these standards?

For example I thought I was hitting it off well with a girl two days ago (different girl than the previous post) but she hasnt responded to me...and well I was excited by her but I don't really mind. It was just another interaction.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I meet a new girl and she's interested she's "just another girl who is interested in me" and if she isn't she's "just another girl who isn't interested". There is no weight on these interactions, there's nothing special about it.

And so...I end up thinking of my previous relationship a lot. I miss it. I long for it. My feelings are different than before...it isn't really about my ex in particular, there's no anger or insecurity or hurt, I just long for something that has passed by.

I started this thread about a month ago and it's a great catalogue of my progress for me. I can take comfort in having come a long way. Who knows where my thoughts will be a month from now?

Also, as I've said a few times my ex is travelling, she will be gone until August. It just hit me that I will never talk to her again. Or rather, we will never have a deep conversation or connection again. I don't know why that just hit me now. I guess I always figured we could enter eachother's lives casually eventually. It sucks because in spite of how little I think about her compared to earlier my ideal situation, the deep dream I hold is to be with her again. Sad to realize that. Oh well.

Venting here really helps. The days following a post like this almost always go better for me. Thank you, everyone for the support.

DJOkawari,

Wow, we have a LOT of similarities..... I'm a bit over 3 months, and had the same "pedestal relationship". We didn't start off together, knew her a long time first, but when we got close and started dating and traveling together, it was just exactly like you describe. It was just like a fairytale. Some, so good, that I wouldn't even post here, as it would be unbelievable. Yes, my lady was had flaws, too, and I overlooked them, but eventually broke us apart.

I feel like the "loving feelings" toward her are pretty much over, the times are still pretty strong in my mind, and hard to erase... in fact they will never erase, but need to put them behind, permanently. Hard to do, but will accomplish that... slowly but surely.

And you WILL succeed, too. Keep me posted, maybe we can learn something from each other.....

June 28, 2015

Thanks for the responses guys!

I gave that a shot Satu, but it just makes me feel down. I'm not holding her at all, she's free to do whatever she likes...and she's doing that. That's why we haven't spoken in 3 months. In my head, that's another story, but she doesn't care about that at all. She's free and I'm being selfish, but that hurts.

I'll definitely keep you updated OldRover, you've helped me so much already. We have a lot similarities but you've found some flaw that helps you realize that you're apart for a good reason. I have nothing like that in my mind. The more time goes on, the more experiences I have, the more I appreciate what happened with my ex. It was really, really good. I get you 100% with the "unbelievable" part.

Today I am debilitated.

Yesterday, for the first time, I was able to cry about it. It was strange because I've come so far from the sadness I had post break up. The difference is that before I was depressed, now I am grieving. Instead of the dull ache of depression combined with anxiety, I felt grief. I knew I could cry, I felt the tears well up within my heart, and I pulled it out of me. It was really an instructive moment, I tried to keep my grief alive by coming up with reasons to feel hurt, "She's left, she doesn't care at all" and my mind would immediately rationalize "Okay, find someone new". Or "It was perfect, I won't be able to find anything similar" and I countered with "You enjoyed the relationship but you didn't appreciate it at this level until you reached 3 months NC, let's see where this takes you".

It was pretty amazing to just shoot down any reason I could come up with to continue to cry, so it ended pretty quickly. I'd been feeling pretty good for the last little bit of time but I'm extremely low now. It hurts extra because I've begun to appreciate the relationship more and more and also, I am no longer devoid of self-confidence, I find myself attractive and interesting again. Compared to before I think we could be good together again. The last few times I saw her were back in February and we were trying to reconcile and I was so depressed and my self esteem was so low that even though she initiated the reconciliation she ended it as well. It was kind of a relief to me, I was very sad but I also realized I couldn't have anything good with her then.

If she remembers me like that...there's no chance ever that she'll contact me again. I oscillate between that and believing she'll realize how great everything was and contact me.

I can say it freely now, I'm still in love with the idea of her. I'm grieving because I just want to be close to her again. Just to talk and to hold her and squeeze her again would be so amazing. I was awfully cold last night and I've never missed her warm body more. It's bad I don't dream about her at night any more, I day dream about her though. She's in Paris right now and one of my strongest memories of her is when we spent some time there for our first anniversary. I wonder if she's thinking of me too? I say it's the idea of her because I saw a picture of her recently and I barely recognized her...forget acting or being like her.

As long as I hold this feeling in my heart, there is no chance for me to fall in love with someone new. It's regrettable because my dating life has suddenly picked up and I see a lot of great girls who just make me realize how special my ex was to me in the end.

Edited June 28, 2015 by DJOkawari

July 9, 2015

My last post was on 6/28. I wasn't around here a week later but on 7/5 if you had talked to me about it, it would've felt like it was an eternity ago.

I've stopped pondering over the issues. I've stopped thinking about what the ex is up to now. I've stopped reliving the past. Some times it just pops up and I have no choice but largely it isn't of interest to me any more.

I partied hard this past weekend. It's been a long time since I've done that. I truly let go. It was the closest to a spiritual experience, I think I'll ever get. I've written this many times but, "objectively my life is great". I finally reached the next step in this thought process. If reality is great, then the problems are entirely in my head. If so, I can let it all go and live without pretense or nervousness. I can reflect life back on itself through the mirror that is me. I achieved that this weekend and it has been pleasurable to live this way. It's a point of progress far beyond coping with heartbreak. This is something I needed to learn regardless. I'm so pleased to be progressing like this, I'm far closer to my ideal person than I've ever been. As always, I'll reiterate: the break up, was a good thing.

In spite of that, I still romanticize "us". I meet a lot of girls, but no one comes close. I see each person for whom they are, and so I remain grounded. No chance I'll be swept off my feet. Maybe I'll meet another hurricane one day.

Edited July 9, 2015 by DJOkawari

July 9, 2015

My last post was on 6/28. I wasn't around here a week later but on 7/5 if you had talked to me about it, it would've felt like it was an eternity ago.

I've stopped pondering over the issues. I've stopped thinking about what the ex is up to now. I've stopped reliving the past. Some times it just pops up and I have no choice but largely it isn't of interest to me any more.

I partied hard this past weekend. It's been a long time since I've done that. I truly let go. It was the closest to a spiritual experience, I think I'll ever get. I've written this many times but, "objectively my life is great". I finally reached the next step in this thought process. If reality is great, then the problems are entirely in my head. If so, I can let it all go and live without pretense or nervousness. I can reflect life back on itself through the mirror that is me. I achieved that this weekend and it has been pleasurable to live this way. It's a point of progress far beyond coping with heartbreak. This is something I needed to learn regardless. I'm so pleased to be progressing like this, I'm far closer to my ideal person than I've ever been. As always, I'll reiterate: the break up, was a good thing.

In spite of that, I still romanticize "us". I meet a lot of girls, but no one comes close. I see each person for whom they are, and so I remain grounded. No chance I'll be swept off my feet. Maybe I'll meet another hurricane one day.

DJO,

Sounds like you're progressing fine..... good for you and YES, it will end. You'll quit comparing every girl to her, and the little things that make you think of her will be gone. You WILL make it, but keep up the effort. Concentrate on yourself... be happy, have a good party time, and still meet other women. Time will heal.

Been there myself and I pretty much got my ex behind me.... no going back.

July 9, 2015

I'm sorry that you are going through so much pain. I can relate in the fact that I would wake up in the middle of the night at 3 am crying. Get a few more hours of sleep. Wake up crying and thinking ugh another day?? Cry at work. Cry on the subway. Rushing home so I could cry. All of the things that used to make me happy no longer did. My friend even told me that she hadn't seen me smile in a while and that made me sad. But I look at how far I've come. Now I cry a lot less.

I think getting through a breakup is mental. Sure it tugs at our heart but it's how we steer our thoughts which control our emotions. I'm a big analyzer. Ruminate everything and at the end of the day I'm only hurting myself.

I'm glad to hear you at starting to see a shimmer of light. Hold onto those moments. Maybe keep a gratitude jar. Each day write down something good that happened that day. Anything. Found a heads up penny. The laundry machines weren't occupied. Someone held open a door for you and smiled.

Personally one of the hardest things about moving on is that you actually move on. Wanting to let someone go is hard. That's where I get stuck bc I don't want to but I know I have to. Once I decide to let them go it's like grieving a death and it feels too real.

You will be ok. One day at a time. You don't need to make any grandeous goals.

One day at a time

July 10, 2015

Personally one of the hardest things about moving on is that you actually move on. Wanting to let someone go is hard. That's where I get stuck bc I don't want to but I know I have to. Once I decide to let them go it's like grieving a death and it feels too real.

That's it! That's so true! Maybe if I accept this part and recognize this feeling when it comes I'll be able to push past. Great insight!

July 12, 2015

DJO,

Sounds like you're progressing fine..... good for you and YES, it will end. You'll quit comparing every girl to her, and the little things that make you think of her will be gone. You WILL make it, but keep up the effort. Concentrate on yourself... be happy, have a good party time, and still meet other women. Time will heal.

Been there myself and I pretty much got my ex behind me.... no going back.

I really appreciate your support. I'm so happy everything is going well for you. You seem so composed, it's enviable. I'm just not there. I don't care to compare other girls to her, I don't get reminded of her by little things, I'm not lonely. I just miss her. There's no justification for it. I guess the real problem is that I wish we could start again, rather than thinking about the future.

I think getting through a breakup is mental. Sure it tugs at our heart but it's how we steer our thoughts which control our emotions. I'm a big analyzer. Ruminate everything and at the end of the day I'm only hurting myself.

Yeah I'm a big analyzer too, but I'm past that stage. I've been NC for 3.5 months so I don't know anything about her life. There's nothing left to analyze about the relationship/aftermath either. I just miss her.

I'm glad to hear you at starting to see a shimmer of light. Hold onto those moments. Maybe keep a gratitude jar. Each day write down something good that happened that day. Anything. Found a heads up penny. The laundry machines weren't occupied. Someone held open a door for you and smiled.

I really should keep a gratitude jar. I'm really ungrateful. I couldn't care less about all of the things you've listed but I suppose I should. Life is good for me generally.

July 12, 2015

Personally one of the hardest things about moving on is that you actually move on. Wanting to let someone go is hard. That's where I get stuck bc I don't want to but I know I have to. Once I decide to let them go it's like grieving a death and it feels too real.
You will be ok. One day at a time. You don't need to make any grandeous goals.

One day at a time

I agree with 15Love, this is so crucial. I have no desire to move on. I don't know where to generate that. When my ex and I broke up for the first time, it was mutual. Aside from our relationship, life became hard on both of us at the same time. Because of that the relationship was suffering. This was 8 months ago. During the relationship she was more attached and I definitely didn't appreciate her enough. I regret that so much now, but there are a lot of other changes I needed to go through. In the end, I think the way it happened was the best it could've (I kicked a drug habit, improved my lifestyle, progressed mentally, started working out each day, improved financially, no longer depressed, etc)...but it took these 8 months to do that. I couldn't have done these things without the break up, so I appreciate that it happened. The stage I'm in now is that I just want to show her that the issues we had are fixed.

After we initially broke up we were apart for a few weeks and I asked for her back. She had started seeing a friend of hers - the kind of guy who has had a crush on her for years and is a doormat but would support her 100% of the way during a hard time. That guy wanted to be in a relationship with her but she told him she still loved me. She texted me all the time, we would go on dates, we would do everything together...but she was also seeing the other guy. I wasn't happy with that so I went NC.

Shortly after, she left that guy and asked for me back. We tried to make it work but I was too angry. We both agreed that we needed some space. A month of NC later, she's back crying tell me I'm the only guy for her. I felt the same way about her, but I had been depressed pre-break up and this roller coaster has only made things worse. I was the weakest I've ever been in my life. My self-esteem was murdered. My general personality is the opposite. That's the last I saw of her. She lost her attraction to me in that time and told me plainly "I don't have feelings for you any more" and I received some messages from her since, but I haven't seen or spoken to her in a significant manner since.

It's been 3.5 months of NC and really a lot of my progress has come in that time. I'm just so secure in myself and I'm succeeding on all fronts. If I was like this either of the two times she came back, we'd be together again. But I also, understand I needed that time. I needed that rejection to lace up my boots and deal with my issues.

I just want to try again with her. It's good that the relationship ended, it's good that we went our separate ways, I just can't help but think it'd be fantastic now. Of course, she had no idea that I think this. She has no idea that I'm any different that the depressed, weak person she saw 4 months ago. Actually, it's egotistical to even think she thinks of me any more. I almost broke NC yesterday because of those thoughts. I really felt like if I just showed her the "new" me she'd like me again. Of course, that's delusional so I didn't follow through with it. It's significant because this is the first time I've even wanted to break NC. I have never had a desire for it up until that moment yesterday.

Finally, I have fun on dates, but I have no real desire to go on them any more. The more I date, the more special I feel my ex was. I know I'm projecting but I feel like she'll realize that too and ask for me back when she's done travelling.

EDIT: I felt really low before writing this. I had tears well up (that's about as close to crying as I can get) while writing it, but now that it is off my chest I'm back to being optimistic old me again. I'm thinking, "Ah, time to go take care of the day...of course she'll want you back when she's back. Just keep doing your thing. Worry about if she wants you and if you actually want her back later...there are more important things for right now."

Edited July 12, 2015 by DJOkawari

July 12, 2015

I really appreciate your support. I'm so happy everything is going well for you. You seem so composed, it's enviable. I'm just not there. I don't care to compare other girls to her, I don't get reminded of her by little things, I'm not lonely. I just miss her. There's no justification for it. I guess the real problem is that I wish we could start again, rather than thinking about the future.

Well, things don't always go well, and there's times that it's easy to fall back and think about how great the ex was and really want her back. Yes, I've been there, and I'll probably think of her in the future.

However, I work HARD to put that behind. She had enough issues where it just would not work without a miracle, which I couldn't perform.

The problem with ex is often you remember the great times... not just good ones, but great ones. Unfortunately (good or bad) I had some times with my ex that were just like out of a story... absolutely perfect, that most just wouldn't believe how good, and will probably never have such good times ever again... just doesn't happen. But have to put that behind and go forward. The bad stuff and stress is over too, and I can't live with that.

Best of luck to you....

July 28, 2015

I agree with what you're saying OldRover some of it is time but another portion of feeling better is effort. How are you now?

I still think of my ex at least a few times each day but it isn't painful anymore. The day will come when I don't think of her for days then weeks then months but since the pain is gone and since the thoughts don't detract from my life, I'm not really pressed on reaching that moment.

I'm happy to work on myself. Realistically, im still reeling from the break up. It's not the pain but more the implications of it. I am alone in this world. That isn't a bad thing, just a different thing. I'm finally able to appreciate the key positives of the break up: freedom and time.

They're quite intoxicating at the moment.

July 28, 2015

I agree with what you're saying OldRover some of it is time but another portion of feeling better is effort. How are you now?

I'm doing much better now and in a much better situation. Fortunately I with a lady that I'm hoping will last and she has been supportive of me. After I left the ex, I told the new lady about it and that if we were to get together I would still face the issue of the break up. She was supportive, and it's been rarely mentioned since. I don't bring it up when I'm down and think about the ex. She probable knows it, but I don't say anything. That's getting pretty much behind me at this point. Occasionally I'll still think of the great times, but I'll rapidly remember the bad times that were not worth solving and then she's out of my mind.

I've also had GREAT support, with my counselor and a few really great friends.

I still think of my ex at least a few times each day but it isn't painful anymore. The day will come when I don't think of her for days then weeks then months but since the pain is gone and since the thoughts don't detract from my life, I'm not really pressed on reaching that moment.

I'm happy to work on myself. Realistically, im still reeling from the break up. It's not the pain but more the implications of it. I am alone in this world. That isn't a bad thing, just a different thing. I'm finally able to appreciate the key positives of the break up: freedom and time.

Have you thought of getting back in the dating world? I don't see where that would hurt and may help somewhat, and you don't have to get serious... or spend time in social situations, where there are both men and women and fun times. I've done both and has helped a LOT. Also, staying active helps too. Do you have hobbies or any new activities? I've got a bunch of "projects" to do and that help. Probably too many.

They're quite intoxicating at the moment.

Keep up the good work and keep us posted.

August 1, 2015

Well I can relate to you on the too many "projects" thing. I have a ton of hobbies and a ton of projects. I have a few hobbies I would like to get very good at so I'm very disciplined about training each day.

It's the socializing that really gets me. I just dont care for "good times" like that. I have friends who are out partying or hanging out all the time and I go because I feel like it would be good for me and that the experiences will be fun. And that's true some times but it always make me sad as well. In big groups I just miss how she'd be there. How we'd debrief each other on our nights...how mundane things became a special adventure.

About dating...it's sad but I just don't want anyone else. Maybe I'm just being a spoiled child but I just don't care for anyone in particular. Regarding my life there are always some girls around...one in particular I've been meeting up with since march. It's all very casual. I don't care to invest emotions and I make it clear so that I don't hurt anyone else. There's just something missing.

I danced the night away last night, it was fun while it happened. I'm very social on the occasion I actually go do something. I always end up finding new friends or a girl or a good after party or something. On my way out I got a girl's phone number. She's very cute, she was a great dancer and in the moment i was interested in her...but right now I just don't care about messaging her.

I'm just stuck in a rut in that regard.

Each day I just work on my projects. I work out. I am trying to cook and eat healthier. I'm extremely busy until basically october. If I do that right I'll have a lot of wonderful things in my life. I don't want to bore any of you kind readers but just know it is a lot of positive things. Basically I would be living something close to my dream lifestyle.

I couldn't have gotten even this far without the break up. If my ex and I got back together now I would likely fail to reach my goals for October, but even knowing these things in the end I'm just sad.

Often times, in the past, I'd be working on my hobbies like this and my ex would knock on my front door and surprise me. I would be so happy to see her. I recognize that..well that's why I'm making so much progress right now compared to before but yesterday I was working and I just wanted that knock so badly.

It is a weird sort of relapse I'm in right now. When I wrote that previous post I had been feeling quite good for some time. I haven't been coping well for the last few days.

Another aspect is that about 3 weeks ago two of my close friends moved away. One is only 5 or so hours away but it's been both good and bad to lose that support.

When my ex left me, I had a lot of issues. Even before she left me, I was struggling with depression and I coped with drugs and those two things compounded into so many negative qualities and life decisions. Add the break up into the mix and it just got much worse.

I couldn't have left that rut without the break up. But now that I'm the person i am now, I just can't help but think that if I was like this, we'd still be madly in love. What's broken can't be fixed but damn I miss it.

August 1, 2015

Well I can relate to you on the too many "projects" thing. I have a ton of hobbies and a ton of projects. I have a few hobbies I would like to get very good at so I'm very disciplined about training each day.

It's the socializing that really gets me. I just dont care for "good times" like that. I have friends who are out partying or hanging out all the time and I go because I feel like it would be good for me and that the experiences will be fun. And that's true some times but it always make me sad as well. In big groups I just miss how she'd be there. How we'd debrief each other on our nights...how mundane things became a special adventure.

About dating...it's sad but I just don't want anyone else. Maybe I'm just being a spoiled child but I just don't care for anyone in particular. Regarding my life there are always some girls around...one in particular I've been meeting up with since march. It's all very casual. I don't care to invest emotions and I make it clear so that I don't hurt anyone else. There's just something missing.

I danced the night away last night, it was fun while it happened. I'm very social on the occasion I actually go do something. I always end up finding new friends or a girl or a good after party or something. On my way out I got a girl's phone number. She's very cute, she was a great dancer and in the moment i was interested in her...but right now I just don't care about messaging her.

I'm just stuck in a rut in that regard.

Each day I just work on my projects. I work out. I am trying to cook and eat healthier. I'm extremely busy until basically october. If I do that right I'll have a lot of wonderful things in my life. I don't want to bore any of you kind readers but just know it is a lot of positive things. Basically I would be living something close to my dream lifestyle.

I couldn't have gotten even this far without the break up. If my ex and I got back together now I would likely fail to reach my goals for October, but even knowing these things in the end I'm just sad.

Often times, in the past, I'd be working on my hobbies like this and my ex would knock on my front door and surprise me. I would be so happy to see her. I recognize that..well that's why I'm making so much progress right now compared to before but yesterday I was working and I just wanted that knock so badly.

It is a weird sort of relapse I'm in right now. When I wrote that previous post I had been feeling quite good for some time. I haven't been coping well for the last few days.

Another aspect is that about 3 weeks ago two of my close friends moved away. One is only 5 or so hours away but it's been both good and bad to lose that support.

When my ex left me, I had a lot of issues. Even before she left me, I was struggling with depression and I coped with drugs and those two things compounded into so many negative qualities and life decisions. Add the break up into the mix and it just got much worse.

I couldn't have left that rut without the break up. But now that I'm the person i am now, I just can't help but think that if I was like this, we'd still be madly in love. What's broken can't be fixed but damn I miss it.

Sounds like you're heading in the right direction, and good for you. Don't get down on doing the social things, they WILL help. The dancing sounded great, and meeting the cute girl, great, too. But give her a call... do something simple with her, not too serious. Perhaps lunch. If she seems interested, let he know you're going to take things slow, if she can accept that. You don't need to over complicate your life, but developing friendship is great.

I'm doing reasonably well (forgot to answer on your recent post). However, I think of her daily, and when I go out and socialize, I do like you and think about the good times if she were there. I try to down play that and stay social with others. I have good conversations and fun with both men and women, and occasionally dance. I've also involved with another lady and she helps a lot (she knows all about the ex, but I don't mention it). I concentrate on making my new lady happy and that makes me happy.

August 3, 2015

We are working towards getting back together. It has been 15 months since BU

August 9, 2015

You're always so reasonable OldRover. I've grown a lot over the last few months and you've had a really positive impact on this process. Thank you so much. Hopefully everything is continuing to go well with you. I've read that you're out for dinner dates quite often, good for you

Jatli, I agree with you. It's a group effort and hopefully we're all doing well. 15 months is quite a while, I'm sure you've noticed some positives that have stemmed from your situation. What are they?

~

My progression these past two weeks or so:

About a 10 days ago, I dreamed of my ex for the first time in a long time. I can't quite remember the dream but I remember waking up and thinking the whole dream was silly but still having that pain in my heart. Two days later I had another dream involving her but no pain. After that day I've been perfectly clear of any issues regarding the break up. I didn't post about it immediately because I didn't think the feeling would last but it has been quite a few days and I still feel great.

The general cloud of pessimism and my negative world-view have reverted to my usual playful, optimism. I no longer feel jaded or bitter. It's great!

This past Saturday I was supposed to meet some friends from out of town at a bar. My other plans for the night were to go to a house party hosted by previously mentioned "cute girl". Though "cute girl" initially invited me on her own accord, the last message I got from her was "I'll text you the plan in a bit" and then I got nothing from her. I messaged her again, but no response. Either way, I had to meet my friends from out of town. They were already drunk at this point and they messaged me the name of the bar they're at. Not being from the area and being drunk, they messaged the name of the wrong bar. So, I show up to this wrong bar and I buy a drink while I'm waiting for my friends to tell me the actual venue and eventually my friends message me that they got kicked out of the other place (for being too drunk) and are heading back to my apartment (I live in the heart of the city and have lots of beds so, most nights out end with the group at my place). I left a key and I wasn't satisfied with my night so far, so I told them I'd catch up with them in a bit. Sounds like a horrible night right?

It honestly couldn't have gone better. Met a very interesting, very attractive girl at this bar that I never, ever would've gone to (it's apparently her "go to" spot) and we talked the night away until closing. We swapped numbers and started texting immediately afterwards. Haven't set up a date yet but, life is a mysterious thing.

The only real remnant of emotions I have regarding my break up are some anger and desire for vengeance that I know are childish. I have no desire to be friends with my ex any more and I have way too much going on to care about her coming back. Even counting months prior to our initial break up 9 months ago and through these 4.5 months of NC I've never felt better. Life is pretty great.

Hopefully everyone else is doing well as well.

Edited August 9, 2015 by DJOkawari

August 11, 2015

You're always so reasonable OldRover. I've grown a lot over the last few months and you've had a really positive impact on this process. Thank you so much. Hopefully everything is continuing to go well with you. I've read that you're out for dinner dates quite often, good for you

Jatli, I agree with you. It's a group effort and hopefully we're all doing well. 15 months is quite a while, I'm sure you've noticed some positives that have stemmed from your situation. What are they?

~

My progression these past two weeks or so:

About a 10 days ago, I dreamed of my ex for the first time in a long time. I can't quite remember the dream but I remember waking up and thinking the whole dream was silly but still having that pain in my heart. Two days later I had another dream involving her but no pain. After that day I've been perfectly clear of any issues regarding the break up. I didn't post about it immediately because I didn't think the feeling would last but it has been quite a few days and I still feel great.

The general cloud of pessimism and my negative world-view have reverted to my usual playful, optimism. I no longer feel jaded or bitter. It's great!

This past Saturday I was supposed to meet some friends from out of town at a bar. My other plans for the night were to go to a house party hosted by previously mentioned "cute girl". Though "cute girl" initially invited me on her own accord, the last message I got from her was "I'll text you the plan in a bit" and then I got nothing from her. I messaged her again, but no response. Either way, I had to meet my friends from out of town. They were already drunk at this point and they messaged me the name of the bar they're at. Not being from the area and being drunk, they messaged the name of the wrong bar. So, I show up to this wrong bar and I buy a drink while I'm waiting for my friends to tell me the actual venue and eventually my friends message me that they got kicked out of the other place (for being too drunk) and are heading back to my apartment (I live in the heart of the city and have lots of beds so, most nights out end with the group at my place). I left a key and I wasn't satisfied with my night so far, so I told them I'd catch up with them in a bit. Sounds like a horrible night right?

It honestly couldn't have gone better. Met a very interesting, very attractive girl at this bar that I never, ever would've gone to (it's apparently her "go to" spot) and we talked the night away until closing. We swapped numbers and started texting immediately afterwards. Haven't set up a date yet but, life is a mysterious thing.

The only real remnant of emotions I have regarding my break up are some anger and desire for vengeance that I know are childish. I have no desire to be friends with my ex any more and I have way too much going on to care about her coming back. Even counting months prior to our initial break up 9 months ago and through these 4.5 months of NC I've never felt better. Life is pretty great.

Hopefully everyone else is doing well as well.

DJ,

Sounds like you're making progress… good for you. Always nice to meet someone that could be a spark in the future.

I'd make some caution about being drunk. My protocol is to NEVER EVER be drunk when meeting someone, or at a place where I couldn't walk home from. It's easy to just pace…. drink and then a glass of water. I'll actually water down a few beers to pace myself at time… sounds stupid, but a cold drink of a diluted beer is better that a full glass of draft that got warm because I was milking it too long.

Things have their ups and downs. Funny you mentioned a dream. I had a very vivid dream about my ex, and we were getting back together….. it was so real, it bothered me for the next day. Don't need that. And, unfortunately, I still think of her daily, but try to play down the good times and remember why I left. Still hurts, however.

And, then things clear up for a while and life gets better…. and overall, every day moves forward a bit, but I'm surprised it's taking this long.

I had a VERY passionate, serious 2 years with the ex, and I thought we would be together forever, and really thought I could solve the one major issue we had. Wrong, and I ofter look at that as a failure.

My new lady is great, but not without some issue, which I accept. We just had a great dinner at a local place tonight with friends… and that's just what is needed.

Keep up the good work….. take your time, explore your new acquaintances, and hopefully you'll find someone that will fit perfectly.

Best…..

August 25, 2015

Broke NC unfortunately. So right after reaching 5 months NC, my Ex messaged me and I responded.

I got very excited by the idea, you can see the thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/544470-need-some-direction

In the previous threads I've posted and maybe even early in this one I posted about how I thought she would contact me after/towards the end of the summer...and she did. I thought that contact would be about reconciliation...and it wasn't.

I've basically outlined the beginning of the conversation in more detail in that other topic, but basically, she asked me a superfluous question about my well-being and it turned into a longer conversation (longer than in that thread). I figured this was just to talk to me, and maybe she wanted to hear from me after such a long time. A little more conversation about the event and she replied with a "Yeah lol it is" type statement that ends a conversation from my perspective. I could continue the conversation easily but it seems like this isn't about getting back together and it would probably be better for me to stop in that case. She is back home with her family right now and I think she was just bored. Should I try to establish more a connection and keep talking to her? I feel like I shouldn't, but if I'm still interested in her after all of this time...shouldn't I?

I'm sad that I'm still in this emotional state after all of this time.

~

I agree with the stance of not being drunk when meeting people. That previous girl I was telling you about was completely drunk the first time I met her. Fortunately, she was still someone I wanted to see sober (I wasn't drunk at all...1 drink). She moved about an hour away from me, so that'll be difficult to continue as well.

Edited August 25, 2015 by DJOkawari

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