Ankle Breaker Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 So I am a little stuck and confused and could use some blunt advice. I am currently in a relationship with a 20 year old girl and I am a 23 year old guy. We will call her "Amy" (because it is short to write). We have been together for 2.5 years, and have lived together for the last year. The first 1.5 years, we were in a long distance relationship. We saw each other twice a month or so, plus summers between college semesters. My confusions stems from my exhaustion. I am in medical school. I have to study massive amounts of information. I make 95% of the dinners, all the dishes, vacuum, laundry etc. Basically everything. All I have "Amy" do is take care of clean clothes. But she doesn't! She doesn't do anything. I pay for it all. Rent, car, food etc. She doesn't work, as she is in college. Will not work during the summers to help either. I feel like I am living with a child. If I do no remind her to do anything, it will not get done. I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to help out, but nothing works. I feel like we are falling apart. She keeps asking about marriage for the future and children someday. I tell her that it is a possibility, but in realty I do not know if I want anything with her at this point. I know I want to get married and have kids someday, but I do not think it is with her. We have two dogs, and she has no money. She moved across the country with me when I started medical school, and started college here. Her family lives back east. I feel terrible even contemplating leaving, because she has nothing and I provide everything. I guess my question is am I being selfish for getting upset at doing everything plus medical school? Or is my frustration valid? Should I just keep doing what I am doing, and hope for the best? Any thoughts of suggestions would be of great use. Thank you!!
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 You feel like you are living with a child because you are. Either deal with it & continue to pay / do everything or kick her out. I suppose you could give her some notice on the "eviction." I'd have my evidence amassed: how much is rent, bills, food etc. Have some info available about how much room & board would cost at her school. You certainly can't marry this freeloader. She doesn't contribute now when she's supposed to be on her best behavior. What makes you think things will improve when she's Mrs. Dr. Ankle Breaker? At that point she will demand that you get her a housekeeper, a cook & nanny as well as golf & tennis lessons, membership at the local club, a new sports car and pay off her student loans for the degree she never used. 5
minime13 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 So I am a little stuck and confused and could use some blunt advice. I am currently in a relationship with a 20 year old girl and I am a 23 year old guy. We will call her "Amy" (because it is short to write). We have been together for 2.5 years, and have lived together for the last year. The first 1.5 years, we were in a long distance relationship. We saw each other twice a month or so, plus summers between college semesters. My confusions stems from my exhaustion. I am in medical school. I have to study massive amounts of information. I make 95% of the dinners, all the dishes, vacuum, laundry etc. Basically everything. All I have "Amy" do is take care of clean clothes. But she doesn't! She doesn't do anything. I pay for it all. Rent, car, food etc. She doesn't work, as she is in college. Will not work during the summers to help either. I feel like I am living with a child. If I do no remind her to do anything, it will not get done. I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to help out, but nothing works. I feel like we are falling apart. She keeps asking about marriage for the future and children someday. I tell her that it is a possibility, but in realty I do not know if I want anything with her at this point. I know I want to get married and have kids someday, but I do not think it is with her. We have two dogs, and she has no money. She moved across the country with me when I started medical school, and started college here. Her family lives back east. I feel terrible even contemplating leaving, because she has nothing and I provide everything. I guess my question is am I being selfish for getting upset at doing everything plus medical school? Or is my frustration valid? Should I just keep doing what I am doing, and hope for the best? Any thoughts of suggestions would be of great use. Thank you!! She's going to school and doesn't work - not even in the summer when she's not in school. Don't worry about her situation when you ask her to leave (and it should be when, not if); mommy and daddy will pick up where you left off. Clearly, she has not had to lift a finger for herself. This isn't working and you have now had a glimpse of what your future will be with her. Exhausting. Just think of what it will be like when you are the breadwinner and she starts having kids. Chances are you'll be pulling the weight there, too.
Donnie Darko Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 Just keep on doing what your doing and hope for the best; however, an unplanned pregnancy would probably improve things.
MissBee Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 So I am a little stuck and confused and could use some blunt advice. I am currently in a relationship with a 20 year old girl and I am a 23 year old guy. We will call her "Amy" (because it is short to write). We have been together for 2.5 years, and have lived together for the last year. The first 1.5 years, we were in a long distance relationship. We saw each other twice a month or so, plus summers between college semesters. My confusions stems from my exhaustion. I am in medical school. I have to study massive amounts of information. I make 95% of the dinners, all the dishes, vacuum, laundry etc. Basically everything. All I have "Amy" do is take care of clean clothes. But she doesn't! She doesn't do anything. I pay for it all. Rent, car, food etc. She doesn't work, as she is in college. Will not work during the summers to help either. I feel like I am living with a child. If I do no remind her to do anything, it will not get done. I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to help out, but nothing works. I feel like we are falling apart. She keeps asking about marriage for the future and children someday. I tell her that it is a possibility, but in realty I do not know if I want anything with her at this point. I know I want to get married and have kids someday, but I do not think it is with her. We have two dogs, and she has no money. She moved across the country with me when I started medical school, and started college here. Her family lives back east. I feel terrible even contemplating leaving, because she has nothing and I provide everything. I guess my question is am I being selfish for getting upset at doing everything plus medical school? Or is my frustration valid? Should I just keep doing what I am doing, and hope for the best? Any thoughts of suggestions would be of great use. Thank you!! You're absolutely not being selfish. I personally think you all should have dated normally and lived separately before moving in. It seems you only saw each other for short periods then moved on in and realized it's not working. She's being selfish. If she doesn't work and you're paying for everything and also are in med school studying the LEAST she can do is that one chore, but really she should be pulling her weight a lot more. I don't see this working well in the future, it's already not working. You need someone way more mature, responsible and supportive. She has her family. She can go back to live with them or do something else, but I wouldn't stay with her and support her like she is your child to take care of when there seems to be little benefit to doing this. She is very young and so are you and this should be a time of discovery. You've discovered this aint working, there is no reason to be stuck with her. At this stage people date around, they break up and they mature and eventually find someone they feel is most compatible. It seems she isn't it and I think that's perfectly fine rather than stay with her silently suffering and wasting your time and being stressed. You can do bad all by yourself, it doesn't make sense to have an added burden of a gf who is dead weight.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 Is the sex good? Sounds like all you are getting is that & some companionship. Ask yourself this basic question: are you better off with her or without, feelings aside.
smackie9 Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 A relationship is a partnership. And when you live together, there needs to be ground rules.boundaries, and expectations laid out.Now most women would say that's not very romantic, but when it involves, money, chores and responsibilities, it has nothing to do with love. You want things to change, man up and lay it out for her that this arrangement is not working for you and is unfair. Prepare before you confront her. Have everything written down what you are willing to do, and what you expect from her. If she starts whining then you have no choice but to boot her to the curb. I'm surprised you have waited this long to find it an issue......you have created a monster.....a freeloading monster. best of luck.
SLee Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 You are NOT being selfish. You need to tell her straight up that this is unacceptable. Don't just encourage her, but tell her that you cannot keep on like this. When I lived with a romantic partner, we divided it up based on time. If one was too busy with work or university and had NO time, the other would take up more of the responsibility around the house. Living together is a huge step and issues like this happen a lot. She needs to understand where you're at and be considerate of it and grow up. If nothing changes after telling her that you need her to step up, then be done. Don't wait until you're at the end of your rope. Keeping on like this is going to burn you out and make you resent her. She needs to understand that.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 Your frustrations and doubts are indeed valid. The current situation isn't fair to you and it's putting a tremendous strain on you and the relationship. You say you've tried everything to hint that she needs to pitch in more - for example? What have you said or done? If you want to salvage this, you need to have a very direct and honest talk. Not more hinting. Explain to her that your workload between school and home is simply too much and it's causing you to re-evaluate the relationship and doubt your compatibility as a couple. Will that upset her? Probably. But that's not your problem. She needs to hear the truth. Then it's up to her to change if she really wants this. The dynamic sounds like a parent-child relationship. It's not a partnership. I suspect some of that is due to her age, and I'm guessing she's never lived on her own, independent from her parents or a partner. You have been enabling this behaviour, however unintentionally. This relationship may have run its course, anyway. But things can't continue this way.
GemmaUK Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 You're not being selfish. She is. Living together is team work and as another poster said the best way is to divide roles up by time that you have. Me and my ex were together 14 years and we split everything out. Now and again we would need to re-address the split of housework and so one of us would do a spreadsheet on Excel. We made it a 'professional' thing between us and neither one of us took anything personally. When one was struggling and needed the other to step up that is exactly what happened. 1
Emilia Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 Jesus OP, how could you let her take advantage of you like this???
Redhead14 Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 So I am a little stuck and confused and could use some blunt advice. I am currently in a relationship with a 20 year old girl and I am a 23 year old guy. We will call her "Amy" (because it is short to write). We have been together for 2.5 years, and have lived together for the last year. The first 1.5 years, we were in a long distance relationship. We saw each other twice a month or so, plus summers between college semesters. My confusions stems from my exhaustion. I am in medical school. I have to study massive amounts of information. I make 95% of the dinners, all the dishes, vacuum, laundry etc. Basically everything. All I have "Amy" do is take care of clean clothes. But she doesn't! She doesn't do anything. I pay for it all. Rent, car, food etc. She doesn't work, as she is in college. Will not work during the summers to help either. I feel like I am living with a child. If I do no remind her to do anything, it will not get done. I have tried everything I can think of to encourage her to help out, but nothing works. I feel like we are falling apart. She keeps asking about marriage for the future and children someday. I tell her that it is a possibility, but in realty I do not know if I want anything with her at this point. I know I want to get married and have kids someday, but I do not think it is with her. We have two dogs, and she has no money. She moved across the country with me when I started medical school, and started college here. Her family lives back east. I feel terrible even contemplating leaving, because she has nothing and I provide everything. I guess my question is am I being selfish for getting upset at doing everything plus medical school? Or is my frustration valid? Should I just keep doing what I am doing, and hope for the best? Any thoughts of suggestions would be of great use. Thank you!! Living together/marriage is a partnership. If one partner isn't doing their share, there isn't balance in the relationship. You were long-distance and didn't interact closely for the first year and so you didn't have a clear picture of how she handles living on a daily basis. Did she live at home while you were LDR? If so, and she is now "out in the world" it appears that she doesn't have the skills right now to be in a partnership. You both are very young. Your concerns are very valid. You are basically the parent in this situation. You are going to have to teach her how to help run a home. You have too much on your plate and a bright future to think of. You don't leave her, you send her back home. You tell her straight up, that you cannot move forward in a relationship with a partner who does not support you and your endeavors actively. Yes, she could develop the skills needed, but really, you don't need to be a parent. Send her home and let her parents finish the job they started.
still_an_Angel Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 She's an adult, so she should learn how to look after herself, this includes earning her own money to support herself. She is not your obligation. If she is not your gf, would you tolerate this from a roommate or housemate? You'd be doing her a favour by kicking her out, she will learn how it is to survive in the real world where she only has herself to depend on.
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