palmert1 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Just looking for some advice on my current situation. I’ll start at the beginning. About 8 years ago I met a guy at my workplace. It turned out he only lived about a mile away from where I lived at the time. We both were in relationships. For about a year we all hung out a lot. Then he cheated on his girlfriend so they broke up and moved apart. His girlfriend still kept in touch with me but I basically didn’t hear from him for about a year or so. Her and I and a few of my other friends would all still go out to the bar and do other things that people in their early 20s do. She did tell me that she wanted to be with me but I was in a good relationship at the time so nothing ever happen. Eventually her and the boyfriend got back together and had a child. Shortly after that they got married. For the most part I didn’t talk to either of them. Over the next 5-6 years we maybe saw each other 10 times. Then one day about a year ago I get a call from her asking if I wanted to go to race. It had been over a year since I had spoken with her or her husband. She had won 3 tickets and her husband didn’t want to go. So it would be her kid, her and myself. I told her I would go if it was ok with her husband. He said it was fine. We went watched the race and talked which was fun. After that we both started texting a lot. Nothing serious just “How was your weekend?” “Did you see that movie yet?” Simple stuff. Her husband and I hung out a few times. Everything seemed good. I would consider both of them friends. She and I kept texting and talking on Facebook then after a while she started to tell me more personal things. Basically that her husband physically and mentally abuses her. That he won’t let her leave the house to hang out with girlfriends. After that she started telling me a lot of personal things and so did I. It was kind of weird for me to know so much about someone that is just a friend and in certain aspects I think we both told each other things that you probably wouldn’t even tell a spouse it was really just complete honesty. After months of talking with her I started having feelings for her. I just kept it to myself because I knew she was married. I didn’t really know how she felt. But I started dating someone and when I told her she told me that she started crying because of it. At that point she said we shouldn’t talk anymore because she had feelings for me. I said ok and we didn’t talk at all for a few months. After some time passed she started messaging me again. Really over the few months we didn’t talk I did miss talking to her and I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to be more than just friends with her. She continued to tell me how her husband throws her into walls (I saw this happen one time back when I first met both of them when we were drinking) and puts her down all the time. Even in front of their kid. At one point I would have considered her husband a friend but I didn’t know he did this type of stuff. She asks me different questions or my opinion on different topics related to divorce. “How it would affect her kid?” and those types of things. I answer in my honest opinion and I don’t think anyone should be treated like that. She basically tells me that she wants to be with me and while I want the same thing I don’t want to be the reason they get a divorce. I told her they could try marriage counseling. Her husband said he wouldn’t do it. A few weeks earlier her husband also told me that he slept with another women while married to her. I have never told her this. I told her that I think she should do what is best for her child and her. However after all this I really feel like I’m betraying her husband. I know she doesn’t have any friends outside of her family because she isn’t allowed to leave the house. So if she gets divorced I will definitely be a person she calls even if just to be friends. I also feel like he will be calling me if something happens between them. But I don’t feel much remorse for him because she has told me what he does. Not sure what do to.
jen1447 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Are you a guy? If it were me the hubs would get a beating of his own and I'd take her out of the house w/me, but I know not all people roll that way. Still, if he's an abuser, none of the regular rules apply and you're certainly not 'betraying' him by dealing w/the issue. If you're really her friend you need to get her out of that environment at any cost. Nevermind the romance for now, but that could actually be good way out for her. 1
davidromero43 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Ok, lets get out the Bro Code Manual. Dust this thing off. Open to page 435. Nope. Thumb to page 441. Read really fast slightly out loud while moving lips, but can't make out what I'm saying. Ah yes, here it is. Article 1: Bros before Hoes Chapter G: All Bro Rules are null and void if any abuse is acknowledged. Man card must be fortified. So it looks like you are ok to proceed. 4
sandylee1 Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 There's far to much drama here. You really need to keep them both out of your life or this could turn very ugly. The husband sounds like the kind of guy to get physical with you if he finds out you are anything more than a friend with his wife or ex wife. There are hundreds and thousands of single women you could date, so don't go there with this woman. It's just asking for trouble and all three (4 with the child) of your lives could get ruined. It won't end well.
MissBee Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 To be honest, I think whether or not you should date each other is really besides the point and should take a backseat to the fact that she needs to get out of her abusive relationship for her own sake as well as for her child's sake. As a friend you can encourage her in that regard to find ways to seek support, to reach out to her family, other friends etc. If she can find a way to text you all the time and talk to you all the time, then she should also be able to reach out to her own family and just begin building a network in order to leave. I don't think she should just run from him to you. Although it seems many women in abusive relationships go from their abusive spouse right into the arms of another man either as the other woman or in some affair context. I find the dynamic of relationships which start by someone rescuing someone else from their abusive relationship to be fraught with drama. I think you should focus on being a friend without the dating part and encourage her to get away from this guy and also broaden her circle as much as she can. I think that will be useful way more than whether or not you can date. AFTER she has successfully extricated herself from him then you can cross that other bridge.
No Limit Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 Now just to make this one clear - once you date his wife, he won't be your friend anymore and he will have a fairly easy time to drag your name through the mud. You're already in an emotional affair with her. But that doesn't mean you can't help. Tell her she should get into individual counseling and get divorced and far, far away from her husband. This will be a much healthier approach than an exit affair - and truth be told, if she decides to look for someone else than you as exit affair, the chances are very likely she'll run into another abusive guy (as people who tend to run from one catastrophe to the next likely have a pattern in their decisions and choices). Being married to an abusive prick isn't healthy, but affairs aren't healthy either.
Recommended Posts