markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 (edited) Seriously, men, I want to know where you all are with this. (A question comes at the end, but please read the beginning for context) In the past, my relationships and even flings were with men who weren't part of some general social circle or network I had. In other words, I would know a guy and we might date and have sex or whatever, but then when it was over, it was a clean break, we didn't know many of the same people and I didn't know many of his friends enough for his friends to then become options, etc. But in the past 3-4 years (since 2011), I have had either an involvement / relationship with / or fling with guys who know each other and are even friends. It's not been on purpose. It's like...it's just working out that way because of school (I was in grad school)...because of just the way social circles and friends work. The point is...one guy didn't care that I had dated his friend already (wanted to date me more than he cared about that friendship, although the friendship was light in the first place). Another guy I slept with in January and Feb, he also was friends with a guy I had been with, and he TOO put having sex with me over the friendship with that guy. (And that guy is no longer friends with him because of it.) Now, although I have not had sex with anyone new, a couple of THAT guy's friends have tried to get together with me, and they are still even friends with him. (What I said above may be confusing, but the point is....guys just don't really care, do they? They want the woman more than they care about the friendship??) I'm assuming some of you men will qualify this with...'well, if it's just someone I slept with and I had never wanted her for a girlfriend, I don't mind if my friends also get together with her'.) But in some cases, I've noticed, guys will want to get together with you even if you WERE their friend's serious girlfriend. They just don't care! Do you always put getting laid or even having a potential gf before your guy friends? Edited May 28, 2015 by markleymassraff
fitnessfan365 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 I take the guy code seriously and have NEVER gone after a friend's ex. But the frustrating thing is that more than a few of their exes have expressed interest. The most obvious happened at a work Christmas party where we both worked as a personal trainers. He brought his GF and whenever my buddy would mingle she'd openly flirt and come onto me. It was torture because she was so HOT and wearing this amazing looking dress. However, I told her flat out that I'd never do that to a friend. This of course, only made her try harder. They broke up a few months later, and I let him in on what happened. He said he appreciated that I didn't make a move and that a lot of guys would have.
Author markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Interesting. Thanks for sharing that! Would you have accepted her advances if they had happened after they broke up though? 'Cause here's the thing, the guys I was talking about in my post, none of them did (nor I think would they) put a move on me WHILE I was with their friend. In fact, I've noticed that guy friends of a guy I am with stay really aloof while I am with their friend. They barely look at me. It's been AFTER I'm no longer with their friend that I find that they are attracted to me and are kind of interested. I am surprised, though, that they would do this even after I am not with their friend anymore, because I thought there was some "leave friend's exes alone" thing with guys. In the case of the most recent thing: I was involved with M for 6 weeks earlier this year. No relationship but an involvement. Now two of his friends have sort of shown interest in me. They are still friends with him. I wasn't in a relationship with M but still...is there not still some...'okay, i was with her and we were intimate for a short while. maybe you shouldn't f*ck her any time soon.' lol.. It seems not!
joseb Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 These guys don't seem to have very good relationships with each other if they do that. Sounds like they are not very good at finding partners themselves and resort to hitting on "friends" exes. I would never consider dating an ex of any friend of mine. And if someone who is my "friend" starting dating an ex of mine, I don't think I could stay friends (I'm not jealous, but it's a principle).
Author markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Joseb, Do you feel the same applies if it wasn't a friend's girlfriend but someone he was involved with? Like, not a one-night-stand, but let's just say it was someone he was hanging out with (including sex) for about a month or two? Like they were starting something but it fizzled out. Is she still off limits to you? Does it matter if it's just a couple months later vs. a year later?
Author markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 In other words, what's the definition of an "ex" you're referring to? Any involvement at all or an actual girlfriend that lasted a while?
tylerj Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 The only way I would consider that / allow that to happen, is if I spoke to my friend and told them the situation, and asked for their approval. If they said no, I'd respect that. This really only applies to close friends (ie ones I see regularly). We all have wide social circles of people we are friends with (e.g. facebook friends) but may only bump into one another once a year or less. In that case, I don't think the rules apply.
LookAtThisPOst Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 These guys don't seem to have very good relationships with each other if they do that. Sounds like they are not very good at finding partners themselves and resort to hitting on "friends" exes. In a small town, there's no choice but to date someone's ex...that's all there is to do around here as far as options. Happens all the time and there's no shame in it.
joseb Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Joseb, Do you feel the same applies if it wasn't a friend's girlfriend but someone he was involved with? Like, not a one-night-stand, but let's just say it was someone he was hanging out with (including sex) for about a month or two? Like they were starting something but it fizzled out. Is she still off limits to you? Does it matter if it's just a couple months later vs. a year later? Personally, I wouldn't - there are plenty more women in the world so why do it. But in this case I think it would be ok if he was never into her, and you asked him first and he said no probs. If he had had feelings for her though, I don't think it's a good idea.
lgspot Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Seriously, men, I want to know where you all are with this. (A question comes at the end, but please read the beginning for context) (What I said above may be confusing, but the point is....guys just don't really care, do they? They want the woman more than they care about the friendship??) I'm assuming some of you men will qualify this with...'well, if it's just someone I slept with and I had never wanted her for a girlfriend, I don't mind if my friends also get together with her'.) But in some cases, I've noticed, guys will want to get together with you even if you WERE their friend's serious girlfriend. They just don't care! Do you always put getting laid or even having a potential gf before your guy friends? No and No. I value my friendships too much. The drama is not worth it to me personally. Too much potential for hurt feelings. Getting laid is at the top of my list of life's pleasures, but not at the cost of friendships. There will always be other ladies, but if a guy gets a rep of screwing over his friends---he won't have many. Same token, girls of substance don't place much value on men who betray friends. I grew up in a small town. Friends might intermingle in youth, but adult relationships are a whole other matter. Loyalty is to be cherished in friendships and relationships. IMHO
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 I guess like Joseb said that these are guys who are probably not too successful with women and are like bears going to the tree where honey has been found before, instead of finding a fresh source of honey in the forest for themselves. It could be seen as highly romantic. Besotted man waits patiently till woman is available, before he can reveal his true feelings for her. OR It could also be seen as Desperate man turns to friend's ex, as she is a sure thing.
LookAtThisPOst Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 I guess like Joseb said that these are guys who are probably not too successful with women.[/i] This doesn't mean they don't have any success with women. Actually, this is quite the most common and organic way people have gotten together. Ever hear of how when a couple is asked (married couple even) they say, "We met through friends." It's not uncommon. I grew up in a small town. Right, and chances are, it's likely in this community Dave will ask Susie out as soon as the divorced papers are signed.
Author markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Yeah, at this point, I have better luck just being social in my network of friends than I do with online dating. As I said, my past few years have been guys who know each other Late 2011: Dated S for two months August 2012: Began a relationship with F, who had gone to grad school with F and was light friends with him March 2014: Broke up with F November 2014: became attracted to M (and M to me). M was casual / semi-good, not best friends with F and had been for a long time. Jan/Feb 2015 -- had an ongoing sexual and light dating thing w/ M. He faded out on me. March 2015 -- went on two dates with R, who is friends with M. R wanted to sleep with me. I did not want to and didn't. Currently -- I haven't had sex with anyone lately, but J1 and J2 are both talking to me/ chatting me up. J1 has made clear that if I were down for it, he would like to have sex with me. J1 is just talking to me via chat a lot, but I can tell he likes me. J1 and J2 are also friends with M. So....this is messed up. But it's just all friends of each other.
guest569 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 This doesn't mean they don't have any success with women. Actually, this is quite the most common and organic way people have gotten together. Ever hear of how when a couple is asked (married couple even) they say, "We met through friends." It's not uncommon. I quite often hear that type of thing.. "We screwed each other's friends" or "we met at an orgy" very common. ....no. 1
Author markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 It's actually not that fruitful though. That mix of friends that I just talked about. Half of them I am not interested in. S, F, and M I was/am attracted to. R and J1 no J2 yes, but only a little so far.
guest569 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 This is something i would be uncomfortable with as the person who has been screwed by everyone in the friendship group. Do they have discussions about their experiences etc?
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Ever hear of how when a couple is asked (married couple even) they say, "We met through friends." Yes, but that doesn't usually mean I met G, after sleeping with his good pals F and E. and having a ONS with his best friend D. 1
Author markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Smiley, They are not all "good" friends. Not at all. And I haven't had sex with them all. I'm just saying some show(ed) interest in me. I mentioned S, F, M, R, J1, and J2. I've had sex with S, F, and M, but not R, J1, or J2. Anyway, S and F went to grad school together but didn't talk to each other after they graduated. I didn't get together with F until 8 months after I was with S. And F and I had a year and a half relationship in which he never talked to S at all. S actually lived in another state by the time F and I were together. F and I broke up, and TEN MONTHS LATER, M and I had a fling. F and M were friends but the type of friends who casually see each other for coffee twice a year, maybe a few phone calls and texts throughout. They are not each other's best friends. The other guys I have not had sex with. I'm just saying I went on two make-out dates with R. And that J1 and J2 have expressed interest either directly or indirectly but i'm not interested. So, S, F, and M are the ones I"ve had sex with. And I am pretty sure none of them talk to each other at all. None of them are best friends or even "good" friends with each other. Just...friends..the kind you let yourself lose touch with and do lose touch with.
Author markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 (edited) Oh and it's not like they are ALL friends with each other. They don't all know each other. S knows F F knows M M knows R, J1, and J2 (but I have not had sex with R, J1, or J2) So it's not like all of these guys are friends with each other and that I have slept with them all. ] Edited May 28, 2015 by markleymassraff
Author markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 (edited) Yeah, meeting through friends usually means someone introduced you or you were at a friend's house when you met so and so. I have just had some involvements with people who were friends. Not best friends but casual ones -- ones who haven't been in the same room with each other since 2012 (in one case) or who had /have a pattern of being in each other's presence maybe twice a year, if that (in the other). It is not like some group of seven guys who live in a house together and I just go around having sex with them all. lol. Edited May 28, 2015 by markleymassraff
gaius Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 I was always big into bros over hos. Until my friends gf actually came onto me and I went for it. While they were still dating Pretty much all the guys I know who preach that are either being dishonest or never had the opportunity. =/
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Bros before hoes is bs like most everything else. Most people are not loyal like that & a real friendship will survive gf swapping.
deadelvis Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 There is something uncomfortable about knowing your GF has slept with a large number of your friends but it's something you can get over if you really care for her. As for bros before hos, as mentioned earlier that only applies to close friends and LTRs. ONSs and casual aquaintances are a different story. I tried to "steal" my current GF from the guy she was dating before me. He was a friend of mine too. It was a pretty bad move on my part, but they broke up soon anyway, I made my move and and now we're really happy together. Although he wants to kill me. But I don't blame him. Fortunately I'm willing to lose a couple friends and fight a couple strangers if thats what it comes down to. Love trumps all else
Author markleymassraff Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 lol, yeah, the last three responses are not surprising. That is exactly what I am saying. Guys don't care in more casual circumstances. These things factor in: 1) How close the guy friends are 2) whether the woman was a serious girlfriend or a short-lived fling 3) how long it's been since the woman and the guy friend were together 4) If the guy friend is with someone else now anyway I haven't had any incidents that I think were even remotely controversial in that way. They've all been ones that even objective parties have said pffftt, that's totally acceptable. I have not experienced this at all in reverse though. I have never been involved with ANY guy who was previously with a girl friend of mine. None of my girl friends' boyfriends or involvements have ever even appealed to me! But definitely have had boyfriends whose friends appealed to me at some point.
Recommended Posts