Author berniev Posted June 3, 2015 Author Posted June 3, 2015 No, I didn't cheat all 20 years. Only a few, certainly not in the past 10 years. I'm confused. If you have not cheated in the past 10 years then why do you need to stop your infidelity immediately? Because I started cheating again in the past few months. No, she didn't know any of my affairs.
oldshirt Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Just don't tell her about the 3 month timeline. Anyone can grit their teeth and get through 3 months. Leave it vague and open-ended. That way if she totally backslides at two months you have your answer and don't have to wait until the backslide comes a few months after the 3 month deadline. 2
adna89 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Maybe she is cheating on you? and people here like to scream divorce,,in my opinion you should not divorce for this,not before you have tried everything
Author berniev Posted June 4, 2015 Author Posted June 4, 2015 Just don't tell her about the 3 month timeline. Anyone can grit their teeth and get through 3 months. Leave it vague and open-ended. That way if she totally backslides at two months you have your answer and don't have to wait until the backslide comes a few months after the 3 month deadline. Thank you. That's a really good advice. Exactly what I think. This is truly my last attempt.
elaine567 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 You say YOU do not want children, what about her? Women like to have an emotional connection with the person they have sex with regularly. Could it be she lost her emotional connection with you, due to the fact you do not want children with her. The clock is ticking, soon she will not be able to have children - this topic is definitely worth exploring. Brooding resentment is not conducive to a great sex life. Your infidelity - she may actually know/highly suspect about your affairs and that has been a sore point all these years for her. Few have any enthusiasm for sex with a cheating husband.
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 You say YOU do not want children, what about her? Women like to have an emotional connection with the person they have sex with regularly. Could it be she lost her emotional connection with you, due to the fact you do not want children with her. The clock is ticking, soon she will not be able to have children - this topic is definitely worth exploring. Brooding resentment is not conducive to a great sex life. Your infidelity - she may actually know/highly suspect about your affairs and that has been a sore point all these years for her. Few have any enthusiasm for sex with a cheating husband. The sex problem surfaced long before we even had the baby talk and certainly before any affair occurred.
autumnnight Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I sympathize with your sexless plight, but i have to say, I am absolutely amazed not only that your affairs have hardly been addressed by anyone except in passing. Maybe because you are a man? IDK. Do you feel that her sexlessness justifies your cheating? This thread has fascinated me, given the typical response to WW's.... 1
Author berniev Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 I sympathize with your sexless plight, but i have to say, I am absolutely amazed not only that your affairs have hardly been addressed by anyone except in passing. Maybe because you are a man? IDK. Do you feel that her sexlessness justifies your cheating? This thread has fascinated me, given the typical response to WW's.... You wrote this which pretty much speaks my thoughts. Join Date: Nov 2014 Posts: 2,892 I am not sure if this is where GS is, but there came a point in my marriage that even if my husband had had a magical epiphany and suddenly become a sex god...it wouldn't have mattered. They years and years and years of neglect despite all my trying had built a wall of hurt and distrust that he was never going to be able to climb. I went from desiring and needing him to trying to be good enough for him to trying to deny and shut out the part of me that was sexual to...just not wanting him at all. Ever. Because it was a matter of survival. Honestly, he could have become the most amazing sexual partner on the face of the earth with a desire for more so intense it would have melted any other woman. And it wouldn't have been enough. The connection bridge had simply been burned beyond recognition - BY HIM.
autumnnight Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 You wrote this which pretty much speaks my thoughts. Yes, but that OP did not muddy the waters by choosing to cheat. Again, do you believe your affairs were/are justified?
oldshirt Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I sympathize with your sexless plight, but i have to say, I am absolutely amazed not only that your affairs have hardly been addressed by anyone except in passing. Maybe because you are a man? IDK. Do you feel that her sexlessness justifies your cheating? This thread has fascinated me, given the typical response to WW's.... People have been addressing his affairs and not one has supportive of continuing the infidelity. And in regards to the difference in treatment between this and a typical WW that writes in is in this situation he wants a sexual relationship with his wife but she doesn't want one with him. He would be willing to cease the affairs if a healthy sexual relationship could be established with his wife. In a typical undiscovered WW scenario, the WW has disconnected sexually from the H and while she may wish to remain married, she no longer has a sexual desire for the H and has a strong sexual connection and often even some form of sexual commitment or exclusivity with the OM to where the BH is the one out in the cold and yearning for a sexual relationship with the WW. In this instance, the BW isn't really suffering from the effects of his infidelity because she doesn't want him sexually in the first place. She's basically none-the-wiser and has no ill effects from his infidelity. Even if she might has some intuition he's getting getting it elsewhere, she's at minimum looking the other way.....perhaps out of relief he's at least not bugging her for it. While That may not be "right" and infidelity cannot be condoned, it is still a far cry different than a BH suffering in involuntary celibacy and bemoaning the sexual disconnect from his WW while she lives it up with the OM. In this instance the infidelity isn't really costing the BS anything.
Hope Shimmers Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 People have been addressing his affairs and not one has supportive of continuing the infidelity. And in regards to the difference in treatment between this and a typical WW that writes in is in this situation he wants a sexual relationship with his wife but she doesn't want one with him. He would be willing to cease the affairs if a healthy sexual relationship could be established with his wife. In a typical undiscovered WW scenario, the WW has disconnected sexually from the H and while she may wish to remain married, she no longer has a sexual desire for the H and has a strong sexual connection and often even some form of sexual commitment or exclusivity with the OM to where the BH is the one out in the cold and yearning for a sexual relationship with the WW. In this instance, the BW isn't really suffering from the effects of his infidelity because she doesn't want him sexually in the first place. She's basically none-the-wiser and has no ill effects from his infidelity. Even if she might has some intuition he's getting getting it elsewhere, she's at minimum looking the other way.....perhaps out of relief he's at least not bugging her for it. While That may not be "right" and infidelity cannot be condoned, it is still a far cry different than a BH suffering in involuntary celibacy and bemoaning the sexual disconnect from his WW while she lives it up with the OM. In this instance the infidelity isn't really costing the BS anything. There is so much wrong with this post that I don't even know where to start. First of all, we have only ONE SIDE of this BS's story. Maybe she has a reason to not have a strong sexual desire for the OP. Maybe she suspected his affairs. Maybe there are other reasons. You make it sound as if this OP is somehow justified in having multiple serial affairs because his wife "doesn't want sex". WWs around here routinely get viciously attacked with hostile posts and people like this OP just basically have their serial affairs ignored by other posters or just mentioned in passing. Screwing around is screwing around. THIS particular OP stated in his other thread that he doesn't even really like his (current) OW but that the 'threesomes are fun". It's unbelievable to me. And he wonders why he's not able to connect sexually or emotionally with his wife? SMH. 3
veryhappy Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Seems to me that if you can't get it up with the wife, but have no problem with the threesome, the problem is psychological. It can be guilt, or it can be that you are done with her sexually just like you are saying. Maybe you'd be better off seeing somebody who can figure that out from a psychological point of view.
oldshirt Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Responses in bold below. First of all, we have only ONE SIDE of this BS's story. That is a standard disclaimer with all posts and threads. With the very rare event that both parties are posting to a thread, we are always dealing with just one side of the story. Maybe she has a reason to not have a strong sexual desire for the OP. Very true. And they have had 20 years to address it. Maybe she suspected his affairs. Maybe there are other reasons. Sure. There could be dozens of various reasons. You make it sound as if this OP is somehow justified in having multiple serial affairs because his wife "doesn't want sex". Not justified. And if you look at my posts on page one of this thread you will see that I have a number of posts stating that he should end the infidelity. I'm not saying he is justified in having the affair(s). I stated that her degree of victimization is not as great as that of another BS that wants intimacy but is being denied because their WS is getting it from someone else. His BW is not experiencing the same degree of loss because she doesn't want sex with him anyway. Sounds harsh I know, but that's how I see it. WWs around here routinely get viciously attacked with hostile posts and people like this OP just basically have their serial affairs ignored by other posters or just mentioned in passing. You may not like my rationale, but that's how I am seeing it. I have said similar things in other threads when it is the H that is a couch potato that sits on the couch watching tv and drinking beer and doesn't care that his wife is dying from lack of intimacy. If she goes out and finds it elsewhere, it's still adultery, it's still wrong, it may not be justified, but in that case the BH can't be hurt too bad because he doesn't want to talk to her or touch her anyway. too bad so sad for him. It's just that usually when a wife is cheating, her husband typically still wants to have an intimate relationship with her and he is suffering due to her lack of responsiveness to him due to the affair. Most people will have that assumption and there for react more strongly to the W's affairs than is the case in this particular instance. People aren't reacting as strongly to this situation because she isn't suffering because of his affairs and for all we know she may not really care less. THIS particular OP stated in his other thread that he doesn't even really like his (current) OW but that the 'threesomes are fun". It's unbelievable to me. And he wonders why he's not able to connect sexually or emotionally with his wife? I agree the breakdown here is severe and perhaps even complete. I don't want to speak for others, but I do think that many of the other posters as well as myself think that the dead horse is just being beaten for no useful purpose here and should just have a dignified funeral and burial. For whatever reason he is letting Lucy hold the football for him yet once again in thinking that this time she will finally let him kick it despite the 20 year history that tells him she will dangle it in front of him with promises but yet yank it out from under him once again.
autumnnight Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 In a typical undiscovered WW scenario, the WW has disconnected sexually from the H and while she may wish to remain married, she no longer has a sexual desire for the H and has a strong sexual connection and often even some form of sexual commitment or exclusivity with the OM to where the BH is the one out in the cold and yearning for a sexual relationship with the WW. Ummm...nope. I am referring to WW's who are just as starved as this OP of sex and affection, NOT WW's who freeze out their husbands only to bang someone else. If a starving WH gets sympathy, so should a starving WW.
Author berniev Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Is there list for all the acronyms being used? I have no idea what you guys are talking about. WW, WH, BH, BW, MM....
oldshirt Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Is there list for all the acronyms being used? I have no idea what you guys are talking about. WW, WH, BH, BW, MM.... Wayward Wife. Wayward Husband. Betrayed Husband. Betrayed Wife. Married Man.
oldshirt Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Ummm...nope. I am referring to WW's who are just as starved as this OP of sex and affection, NOT WW's who freeze out their husbands only to bang someone else. If a starving WH gets sympathy, so should a starving WW. I guess I don't see him as getting sympathy per se in regards to infidelity. Most posters have suggested he end the affairs and divorce. As I stated earlier in the thread, I really have no sympathy for people who neglect their spouses and knowingly deny them basic affection and marital romance and sexuality. And that applies to both men and women. While I do not condone infidelity, that is the risk that one takes when one chronically denies their spouse. If you've avoided and rejected your spouse for months on end and have no desire or intention to do anything about it, don't come crying to me when someone at the bar or the office or the coed softball league decides they'll take care of them. That goes for men just as much as women as far as I'm concerned. Now of course there has to be the disclaimer that this is all under the assumption that the denying spouse is not acting in good faith and truly is neglecting and denying their partner without just cause and that the denied partner is acting in good faith and isn't just whining that they are only doing 4 times a week instead of 6, or that their partner isn't interested because they are abusing or an alcoholic or have put on 100lbs in the last 2 years from sitting on the couch eating Cheetos all day etc etc.
Author berniev Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) I guess I don't see him as getting sympathy per se in regards to infidelity. Most posters have suggested he end the affairs and divorce. As I stated earlier in the thread, I really have no sympathy for people who neglect their spouses and knowingly deny them basic affection and marital romance and sexuality. And that applies to both men and women. While I do not condone infidelity, that is the risk that one takes when one chronically denies their spouse. If you've avoided and rejected your spouse for months on end and have no desire or intention to do anything about it, don't come crying to me when someone at the bar or the office or the coed softball league decides they'll take care of them. That goes for men just as much as women as far as I'm concerned. Now of course there has to be the disclaimer that this is all under the assumption that the denying spouse is not acting in good faith and truly is neglecting and denying their partner without just cause and that the denied partner is acting in good faith and isn't just whining that they are only doing 4 times a week instead of 6, or that their partner isn't interested because they are abusing or an alcoholic or have put on 100lbs in the last 2 years from sitting on the couch eating Cheetos all day etc etc. Your disclaimer fits my case. We are both well educated and hardworking people, and we are both in great shape and good looking. Neither one of us is a couch potato nor are we abusive to each other. We actually have very little argument, probably once or twice a year. Like I said before, we are otherwise a happy couple, and we do a lot of things together because we enjoy each other's company. I keep asking myself how important sex is really to me? Is there other way around this? The midlife crisis is obviously here. I may only have a few years to enjoy sex. Edited June 9, 2015 by berniev
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