very hurtful email from fiance, he says "constructive" i say destructive opinions?

[candy candy candy]

hi everybody, i have a question and i need some unbiased opinions here on this email from my fiance. i was diagnosed with a mild brain injury and not ADD as originally thought. from the injury i have had problems all my life with holding a job, being rebellious, forgetful, pouting on things, not being able to communicate as an adult should, impulsive actions, cognitive skills, running away when things are hurtful or stressful, and well the list can go on and on but hopefully you will get the point. i am 48 but in some ways i am still child like, like when it comes to responsibility i need to be prompted or reminded more so because i do forget things alot, i keep the house fairly clean but not to his standards, i filed bankruptcy in 1998 and have not been late on one single bill since then, contracts freak me out like with my loan payment each month on my car and being in a contract with t-mobile, etc...so i was trying to save some money since i am not working much right now and i had this idea to help me to back on track since we were out of town for a week i had no income and need to play catch up with some bills now, so i emailed him this email and following that is his response:, someone please tell me if i am being over sensitive with email cause i feel deeply hurt by all of what he said and i do not see anything "constructive" in it

 

[color=red]this is what i emailed to ricky:

ok i've been thinking about this the last few days and since i cannot get on my own stupid email thanks to this dumb puter and what ever is wrong with it so i am sending this to you from your own email but you can reply to my email: not sure when i can get to it though since it rarely opens anymore, grrrrr.

 

ok so i thought i need to down grade some things to be able to pay expenses till i get a job or some more house cleaning jobs..

rob did not run my flyer last week he said "i forgot" uh huh, yeah right.

 

anyways cable t.v is costing me $66.00 a month, do we really need it? how about down grading it for now? phone(s) am thinking of either gettting rid of home phone since we rarely use it anyways and just using cell phones or getting rid of my cell phone and using home phone for krispy clean calls?

 

honestly selling this twuck and buying a cheap car, yeah yeah, dont even go into your speel about it, used cars, everything in life is a risk and so is your truck as well as anything in life. ya gotta take chances right, or you'll never know and if i buy something and it turns out to be a bomb then at least i did try and that is more important then stressing all the time about where my next loan payment is coming from, try to see it my way, pwease!

 

with a used car i can get buy with liability insurance only, i can pay it off with my money in savings and be done with it once and for all cause honestly i cannot afford this insurance coming up again may 15th as well as loan payment coming up again reeeeeal soon too! seems that payment comes around faster then any of the other bills!

 

i am serious about all this! what do you think? also wanted to REITERATE on flyer thingy this a.m. i HONESTLY did not have any clue as to what "program" you were talking about!!!

cross my heart too! i feel that you are calling me a liar on this when in fact i HONESTLY had NOOOOO clue as to what you were talking about, i promise i did not!

 

thats all folks for now...i feel less burdened already just knowing that maybe i can get rid of some of these expenses if only temporarily to get caught up and look for a real job or hope for more cleaing after tuesday! so what'dya say?

 

[/color]this is what ricky emailed me back:

[color=green]tough love, here it goes:....... go get a stable job and put up with it for awhile.

 

you manage EVERY week to come up with stuff so you don't have to work. if you were REALLY a go-getter you would be asking rob for hours, doing both your route days and scheduling cleaning around it. you would probably bring in about $300/wk.

 

you really could have done your route a few times now, but didn't feel like it, so you had sarah do it.

 

i don't think you are lazy but you have some hang-up about commitment and responsibility and supporting yourself. you act like these few bills are something out of the ordinary and they aren't. if you can't make $500 a month to pay these bills then you can't make it at all.

 

why should i sacrifice cable TV and a regular phone while you get a free ride with housing, restaurants and grocery? i'm soooooo sick and tired of you blowing money on daily fast food, the pets, cell phones and all your ailments, then cry that you can't pay your bills.

 

you have been working only 1-2 days a week and i continue to come home to a messy house while you are off dallying in your fantasy du joir. remember the stuck at 13 years old theory? well that is how it feels with me: you don't want to work, your room is messy, you bellyache if i ask for help and you want to play all day.

 

get off your dead ass and apply yourself at Echters or whatever. quit making excuses why you can't. quit playing the loser because i know you aren't one.

 

i'm serious jamie, this is one issue that may break us up because i'm not going thru the next 50 years like this. i hope you can take this as constructive because it is not an attack on you. so NO, i don't want you downsizing services to the home.

 

i just don't know how to help you help yourself. i've enabled you to live this lifestyle now for years and it has to stop. its not fair to me, nor yourself.

 

if you need some help with bills i will find you some work to do for Rock in trade, but only if it is done enthusiastically and with a smile. (no comments. no complaints. no questioning me, please). if not, then you are on your own. it is in both of our interests if i don't just hand out money anymore. that's right.. the boyfirend bank is closed (new t-shirt)

 

let me know how much you need and when. we will then come up with some work that you can perform that isn't of a critical nature, so you CAN do it and i won't criticize your work. (like mailers or lists or whatever.)

 

then..... i want you to call sarah alexander and set an immediate appt to deal with this low self-esteem and lack of motivation. and also all the concerns you have on that yellow notebook in the office drawer. i will allot 2 appt a week for you and i'll pay for it.

 

as for your truck.. you can do what you want with it. i just don't think you will get the money out, nor do you want to blow off your loan. i think you need to pay it down a little more. [/color]

[Pocky]

Honestly, sounds like he said what he needed to say. If what he wrote is true about your behavior then he needed to point that out. Sometimes the truth about ourselves hurts us the most.

 

I think he's giving you tough love as he stated - a swift kick in the ass to get your **** together and move forward with your life. We all need that every now and again. He's offered to help you in so many ways, why don't you take him up on his offer?

[Donut]

Actually, I think he was being constructive.

 

Tough love is always hard to hear, especially from the person closest to you.

 

It sounds like he does want the best for you but he can't be the one responsible to make you do it continuously. You have to do these things for yourself, he'll be there to support you but not baby you into it.

 

Try not to be so defensive and actually take in what he is saying, communicate with each other before it's too late.

[Pendawn]

I have to agree. If you're "not working much" simply because you chose not to - and it seems form your bf's email that you have a lot of opportunities to do some casual work - then it's not fair for him to have to make sacrifices because you won't work as much as you need to to bring in cash.

 

He has offered LOTS of constructive solutions in his email - work, therapy, other wyas to save money. Obviously due to your illness it's very hard for you to see things from a different perspective, it's partly not your fault and it seems to me your bf understand that. He's not being cruel in the email, it's clear he's just a stage where he doesn't know what to do anymore. He's offering you ways to help your situation, he can see ways you can help yourself and it just feels to him you're not trying.

 

Eg. if what he says is true about daily fast food, that is a super quick and easy way to save money, is to stop buying it, go to the store and buy lots of fresh ingredients, much cheaper.

 

Good luck, you obviously have a bf who wants the best for you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can understand why you see it as hurtful. His language choice was pretty harsh. Tough love indeed. But... the message itself is constructive. He is encouraging you to:

 

Get a job and establish a routine, and bring in some income. He is willing to help you find a job, and is willing to get you some help to break out of your rut.

 

I think the hurtful part comes from his refusal to acknowledge what you see as obstacles. He sees them as excuses. You don't see a way out, he sees you as choosing not to see a way out. You see yourself as a victim to things you can't help, and he sees you as someone who uses that victimhood as an excuse to avoid responsibility.

 

You guys have some missed communication here. You are not wrong, and while he could have been more tactful, he isn't wrong either.

 

Take him up on his offer. Get yourself into a routine and bring in some income. That alone will probably help you out a great deal - just knowing that you are doing something positive to get yourself out from under this black cloud you are living under. Take up his offer for the therapist appointments. It surely can't hurt.

[candy candy candy]

thanks for the painful opinions, lol. not everything in here of what he said is true though. i do work, i clean homes but business is slow since we were out of town for a week. the route he is referring to that i did not want to do, my daughter was doing for me when we were gone and when we came back i had some cleaning jobs on those same days so i let her do the route anyways.

 

for the room being messy that he referred to, well i do not even know what he is talking about, what room? the house is not dirty by any standards of mine nor anyone that comes by so i dont know why he said that again there either.

 

i hardly make enough money to pay bills let alone by groceries yet he wont buy them either cause i buy from .99cent menus when out and about and he thinks that since i do that that i can afford food when in fact that is not true! the few dollars a week i might spend on fast food is not near enough to buy groceries, so he dont buy groceries either which forces me back to the fast food dollar menus or i live on peanut butter sandwiches at home.

 

i dont feel like i am getting a "free ride" with anything! i honestly do not think that way cause i pay for the house bills here and he pays his mortgage so how is that a "free ride". telling me to get off my "lazy ass", i am anything but lazy and i never sit here at home and watch t.v. soaps and dilly dally around the house, i am always busy doing something but not to his standards. i could work for a full week and come saturday when i have an earned day off he will leave for work and tell me to be "constructive today", ugggh.

 

i've already called the counselor that i was seeing before and she has not returned my call yet but will probably call me today. i will go and see her but i still feel attacked and very hurt by his comments to me...i do not think i am getting a free ride, i do not see anything "constructive" in his reply email and i do not sit on my lazy ass, then he even says he does think i am lazy either so he contradicted himself there too.

 

well thanks again and i am seriously trying to see this in a different light but for some reason i cant get past feeling so hurt by his words, maybe the truth does hurt? still i feel all of what he said is unwarranted from my first email to him... thanks much!

[candy candy candy]

two new replies came in when i was typing out the last reply. so far everyone says the email is constructive, yet i must have major barrier to see it that way. i am trying so hard to see it as constructive, but why cant i?

 

i feel only hurt from it, i feel attacked from it, i feel degraded and insulted from it. i feel like packing up my stuff and leaving today and going somewhere far far away so as not to have to live with someone who thinks so little of me!

 

my self-esteem is literally crushed and i feel such a fool to look at him now that i avoid looking him in the eye. knowing he feels these ways about me makes me feel so shameful, so hurt and inadequate to live up to his standards.

 

he is a strong business man and i feel like a nobody, lol, not literally but compared to him and to what he wants me to be, i dont feel i can ever live up to his standards then at other times i dont even want to bother trying, i would much rather move on and go live out my life in peace away from his demanding demeanor, but my dumb heart and anxiety and fears keep me here. i wish i can be normal, what ever that is.

[slubberdegullion]

One of the big differences between men and women is how they communicate. Men communicate to establish facts and exchange information. Women communicate as a way of maintaining and/or building relationships. (That's why men speak 30% less than women, for instance. http://www.kathrynpetro.com/mindfullife/archives/000156.html)

 

He's telling you facts, as he perceives them, so you can understand his position. You're sensing his facts as an attack on you and your relationship.

 

So when you re-read this, take the emotion out of it and you'll probably see that he has some good points.

 

And if I were in his shoes, I'd word it differently to make it easier for an emotionally-based person to understand. But that's another thread altogether.

 

 

by the way...

what would your reaction be if he took an email of yours, without your permission, and copied it to an online community for all to see?

[manders_01]

I think if you two had had a conversation instead of sending emails, all comments would be 100% constructive.

 

However, I think doing that over email was a little harsh.

[Firesqueak]

Sometimes, when you have alot to say to someone (that you know they don't want to hear) a letter is the best way to go about it. With a letter, you don't get interrupted, and you can carefully think about what you want the other person to get from it.

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse you can't be objective in this situation. From where I sit, he is hurt and angry FOR you not AT you. He only wants the best for you and doesn't know how to help you anymore.

 

Honestly? You sound depressed. It's hard to be motivated to DO anything and want to do anything when you're feeling bad. You need to work on you and get your thoughts more positive. Have you considered seeing a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? Just a suggestion and something for you to think about.

 

Your boyfriend loves you and that is why he is telling you as it is. Yeah, he is harsh at it but I'm sure for a long time he's been talking to you and it has not sunk in. It was probably easier for him to do it this way than face to face. Easier on HIM, not you.

 

You have two choices here. Get down and out about this, cry and turn it all negative or BE positive! DO something about it! Get angry that you aren't getting done what you're supposed to! Fight it hard! Get friends and family to HELP you through it...Need to push yourself hard and not give in to the harder stuff. I know ALL about this stuff as I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I understand procrastination. Not getting s*** done at times that I am supposed to get done! I push through it now anyway, even if I don't want to. You can too!

 

Accountability is what you bf is talking about. Responsibility and accountability go hand in hand. I think he just wants you to take on abit more to even things out. He has a right to his feelings, just as you do. That is not a bad thing either...Try NOT to look at his email as an attack on you....Honesty and saying the truth can hurt...But lies and not being upfront hurts alot more later.

 

Talk to him. Try to each understand eachother, keep an open mind.

 

Hope this helps! And remember, HE DOES love you!! Don't doubt that...If he didn't he would have walked away a long time ago!

[westernxer]

The two of you are gonna have one interesting marriage.

[Lil Honey]

Okay, this is what I think . . .

 

If he is your finace, I'd put off the wedding.

 

First, I would think that he knows of your head injury. And although you shouldn't use it as an excuse - and I'm not saying that you are - I feel that he shouldn't have slammed it to you like he did - unless this isn't the first time.

 

Second, IF you two are REALLY thinking about getting married, BOTH of you should be working TOGETHER with finances and other issues. That's what marriage is about - or what it's supposed to be about.

 

Third, you said in your original post that you have trouble forgetting things, etc. and that you are 48. I had a husband that forgot stuff ALL the time ever since I've known him. Age had nothing to do with it. LOL I'm 44 and I'll tell you that forgetfulness is something that all of us 40-somethings have to deal with. I will go upstairs for something and by the time I hit the top step, I have forgotten what I was there for.

 

Fourth, though others think that he is expressing tough love, I sort of get the feeling that he is manipulating you and (secretly or not-so-secretly) getting you to feel bad about yourself . . . which can be a step before emotional abuse . . .

[slubberdegullion]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

I'm 44 and I'll tell you that forgetfulness is something that all of us 40-somethings have to deal with

 

oh... shoot... I was gonna write something and I forgot what it was...