nba321 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Just have a question I have been thinking about for a little while. I am wondering if NC is NC if all you do is think about the other person? Is it counterintuitive to do this, and doesn't it essentially just delay getting over them? I'm sure some will reply that you will gradually start to think less and less about them, but I feel like that is not the case for everyone. People post threads here about ex's 6 months to a couple years after they broke up suggesting they never did stop thinking about them. Sometimes I feel like NC causes you to hide from your true feelings rather than accept and feel them. Thoughts?
DexterLS Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Fair point. The longest No Contact period I have undertaken was 16 days and she was the first thing on my mind when I woke up. it did get a lot easier day by day though. I broke NC for several reasons and re-initiated it yesterday. Point is, you don't really forget about them, I guess. You just learn to live with it and it will hurt less, day by day. That's my point of view but then this is my first breakup, I wouldn't know anything. 1
Satu Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 NC is for one purpose only. That is to create an opportunity to heal, free from distraction and further upset. You still have to work through your thoughts and feelings. NC just makes it easier. 2
RedButton Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I found that going no contact, I had all sorts of questions to ask and feelings, but by being on my own and refusing to make contact, I forced myself to really think and answer them for myself. I feel I got better closure and understanding that way than reaching out to my ex, as I feel that would have just raised more questions and created a 'dependency' for their point of view or for getting validation. IT also just means it's easier to not think of them, even if it doesn't seem that way. I was thinking about my ex very rarely, until she came back into my life through coincidence a few weeks ago. Now I find myself thinking about her all the time. Trust me, NC will make it easier to not think about them. 2
Jimmyjackson Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 The whole idea of NC is out of sight, out of mind. Yeah you may think of them still for a year or two but the thoughts are nowhere near as bad if you had kept in touch with them instead. The feelings you get during it need to be done during NC, so you can learn to come to terms with them on your own and come to your own conclusions.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Just have a question I have been thinking about for a little while. I am wondering if NC is NC if all you do is think about the other person? Is it counterintuitive to do this, and doesn't it essentially just delay getting over them? I'm sure some will reply that you will gradually start to think less and less about them, but I feel like that is not the case for everyone. People post threads here about ex's 6 months to a couple years after they broke up suggesting they never did stop thinking about them. Sometimes I feel like NC causes you to hide from your true feelings rather than accept and feel them. Thoughts? Well, you need to be active in No Contact in working through those thoughts. If you just sit there and let them stagnate, then it's going to be tougher than it needs to be (which is already pretty tough. Whatever problems you are having thinking about them in No Contact would be much more severe and worse in contact. But NC isn't about sitting around and not contacting to "wait" them out. It's to move forward. If you refuse to move forward, then yeah, you'll be stuck.
mightycpa Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) I've done it both ways when I was in that frame of mind where I did not want the breakup and I was in deep despair. In the case of NC, it was strict, never broken from Day 1. It took me a long time to get from point A to where I didn't think about her too much... probably like a few years, if I remember right. Everything I did, every girl I dated, everything, it seemed, was somehow measured against that girl. Even after all that time, whenever I saw her, my heart would jump and I would hide because I didn't want to talk to her. I'd probably go out of my way to avoid her today if I saw her. The other way I did it was that I was able to see my ex pretty much whenever I wanted. We talked often, we cried, we held each other, all that stuff, and we did it a lot. But there was no talk of rekindling, it was always about where our problems were, how we were feeling, that kind of thing. I was miserable for six months, and then one day, **POOF**, I fell out of love and never gave her a second thought. I did take her to lunch that day, just to make sure. Sure enough, nothing was left in the tank. It was the last time I saw her, and the next to last time I spoke to her. I could see her today and it would be no big deal. Also, it has occurred to me more than once that when the dumper is secretly debating the pros and cons, they are essentially going through the breakup with the loving support of the person they are going to dump. Dumpers don't do NC while they're getting used to the idea of breaking up. They do it when it is easy, after they're already over you. Last, when a couple does get back together, in many cases, the dumpee gets disillusioned, and begins to see the ex-dumper in a new light and they lose the devotion they thought they had. When this happens, they have a loving, supportive partner too. Given all that, I think that the essential part that you need is the loving support and presence of the other person and unfettered access. I'm pretty sure #1 would not have been the willing participant in the exercise like #2 was. #1 probably would have just decided to crush me mercilessly so that I wouldn't bother her anymore. I know that wouldn't have helped me, and I would have ended up doing what I did anyway. #2 never did that to me, we just basically took a long time to say a sweet goodbye, and we answered each others' questions until we had no more questions. How many people will put up with that for months on end? When I was the dumper, I know I didn't want to do that - I had a new girlfriend to attend to. So I think I got lucky with #2. She was a good girlfriend, and a good person to have a breakup with too. As a result, I'm not sure that staying in touch while you wean yourself off the other person works out most of the time. You need the dumpers' cooperation and you also need the dumper to not allow you to regress into the sex/dating part of the relationship. You can't always count on a cooperative dumper, and I'm guessing that most times, it will go badly. EDIT: One more thing. I didn't learn a damn thing the second time around. But I went through hell the first time, and I learned a ton. I think the adversity is good for you, in a perverse sort of way. Edited May 27, 2015 by mightycpa 1
Chi townD Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Took me a year and a half to have an epiphany and realize I wasn't thinking about my Ex anymore and all the good things I was doing, I was doing for myself. Different strokes for different folks. 1
na49 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 You'd think about your ex just as much (if not more) if you stayed in contact with them, and allowed yourself to see their social media profiles. NC is just a part of moving on, and like others have said, you need to be active in getting over your ex. Simply not talking to your ex won't help you feel better. 1
SankeCoffee Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 You definitely have to active at removing them from your life. It's been a little over a month and my ex and I have blocked each other on all social media but I kept seeing her pop up in pictures on mutual friends I have with her social media accounts. I see those and start thinking about her and so on...you have to remove anything and everything about them.
Tone Loc Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I am seriously beginning to question this whole concept of NC. I'm inclined to agree with you when you say it may be counterintuitive. Maybe it does delay the healing, I don't know. I could easily see myself spending many years trying to get over my ex...it took me two years to sort of get over my first girl...two years! And it wasn't even a proper relationship, it was a joke. It seems that different people progress and heal at different rates. Some people are better equipped to handle rejection. Some people have a solid escape plan or exit strategy to make sure they recover quickly after a break up. Having a strong social support network is key. Cutting all contact doesn't seem to be helping me at all, so I can't say it's working for me...maybe it takes time. I'll have to be patient and try to maintain silence.
Meli22 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I think about my ex all the time. But there's been no contact for 2.5 months. As far as he's concerned, I'm fine without him (which I am, but I still think about him a lot - not necessarily in a fond way). But to me that's still no contact.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I am seriously beginning to question this whole concept of NC. I'm inclined to agree with you when you say it may be counterintuitive. Maybe it does delay the healing, I don't know. I could easily see myself spending many years trying to get over my ex...it took me two years to sort of get over my first girl...two years! And it wasn't even a proper relationship, it was a joke. It seems that different people progress and heal at different rates. Some people are better equipped to handle rejection. Some people have a solid escape plan or exit strategy to make sure they recover quickly after a break up. Having a strong social support network is key. Cutting all contact doesn't seem to be helping me at all, so I can't say it's working for me...maybe it takes time. I'll have to be patient and try to maintain silence. I mean, you've been NC less than two weeks. It's not an instant fix, but it's a complete fix if you do it correctly and are active in it. I've never had No Contact not work, but it's not going to be overnight.
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