Author Bluemug Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Part of me want to send a really annoyed, angry text. I hate being nice. Such a push over.
Versacehottie Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 yeah, 100%. Guys test the limits especially at beginning of dating. It's their way of seeing if you are the right girl for them, which isn't inherently bad. Even in this situation, not horrible. They want to see if you will drop everything for them and if you are overinvested or too clingy. It's how they figure out their own interest level and see if you are valuable (that's not a true measure of your value but rather a superficial test). Sometimes subconsciously. Anyway keep in mind that a lot of guys are selfish and self serving UNTIL someone draws their REAL attention. Sometimes precisely by acting like "no big deal, keep in touch", they wake up and are interested. People tend to want what they can't have!! Especially when they were interested enough that it was an option. I test this theory pretty much every day in life (even on myself) and pretty much every time it proves true. Going hand in hand with the theory is that if you are too available, you become less valuable--in marketplace of life. Good luck and you handled perfectly by booking another date!!! I know of more than a few stories where when stood up, girl goes out immediately even though in theory she's pretty bummed and meets a great guy who becomes bf. good stories!!
jen1447 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Nope - it just makes you look bad. Stay above it and he'll be sad bc you just didn't give a damn enough to even bitch about it. 3
candie13 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 don't hate the players, hate the game. if you think that sucks, wait to have two three great dates, romantic walks on daylights and kisses, and then have the dude asking u to come over, on a Friday night after 10 PM !! Really, there are soooo many ways these things can turn sour, it's not even funny. Keep it together, put some lipstick on and move on. He's nothing but a random guy. Really. In order for it to be special, both partners need to feel it and act like it. its the first basic rule. 2
candie13 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 oh and a nasty text will show u care. he'll think u'r a weirdo who lacks empathy for him and his "family issues". Basically, it'll make u look the crazy one. Wanna know what stings? Indifference. well thought, no text is best. 4
Author Bluemug Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Thanks ladies really, really appreciate it! Totally not my style to be nasty, just wish I could skip the nasty bits hahaha. Best go find something to wear for tonight 1
Versacehottie Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Part of me want to send a really annoyed, angry text. I hate being nice. Such a push over. No angry text. That will just confirm his assumptions--that you care about him too much or were gonna be a crazy, clingy girl anyway. That's why the vague but polite enough blow off response is perfect. It says he's just "Thursday Steve". No big deal. I hear you on the too nice part though. It's how you are in this dilemma. One of the best remedies ever (so you can still be yourself but not be a pushover) is just PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Plan your schedule like that, start communicating like that, down to the smallest things. It really works. If your too nice, you rarely have to worry that you will take it too far, it will just even things out. Honestly do it and your life will change. Promise. That's not to say some angry words are not in order sometimes. Just not in this case. Who is he? Nobody. Now if he wants to make a way back into your life, he'd have to show real effort. 1
candie13 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 absolutely, u have plenty of things to think about - from shoes to clothes, hair, make up... u'r late already PS stop thinking about this dude. success - aka being happy - is the best revenge. 2
Author Bluemug Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 oh and a nasty text will show u care. he'll think u'r a weirdo who lacks empathy for him and his "family issues". Basically, it'll make u look the crazy one. Wanna know what stings? Indifference. well thought, no text is best. I might just screenshot your advice and refer to it at my low points haha 1
jen1447 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 That's not to say some angry words are not in order sometimes. Just not in this case. Who is he? Nobody. Now if he wants to make a way back into your life, he'd have to show real effort. ^ Exactly. Think of it like him earning the privilege of a second chance. Like you'd make him carry your bag while you shopped on a second 'date,' and that if he did a good enough job at that, maybe you could have a third date where you paid a little attention to him. Seriously it is about prioritizing yourself. Not like a selfish bitch, but just a woman with integrity and self respect. 1
Author Bluemug Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Hard to hold ones head high when my friend has sent me proof of no apparent family situation. ...............
jen1447 Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 lol ....f*ck him. (Not literally. ) Focus on next date. 2
Author Bluemug Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Time to hit delete on him. Done. Next 2
Versacehottie Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 One thing that I think will really help also is that i truly believe: treat every interaction as a chance to show who you are. Even seemingly negative ones are not necessarily bad. When he flaked, which seems bad, it gave you an opportunity to show (even if it's a bit of fake it til you make it) that you place more value on yourself and he is not important enough yet to make a huge impact. THIS EVENT HAS VALUE. If he had shown up for first date, but believes you are a pushover, too nice or too available, you would have had the date but not the opportunity to prove his assumptions incorrect. EVERYTHING IS AN OPPORTUNITY. Put yourself first. I think the not-too-nice girls (who generally have better luck with guys) do this without thinking consciously about it. They are not really worried how he reacts to your reaction of his blowoff. It's not yours to fix. And if and when he circles back around, you will decide if he is worth your time because you are not fixated on him yet. You have other options and may not even be interested in someone who would treat you this way. Basically a girl who is not too nice thinks HE has possibly blown it not that IT is blown. Subtle shift of how invested you are or if you are thinking in absolutes. I also think too nice girls think every romance unfolds perfectly when it's right, like a fairy tale. Not true. Especially not if you are learning to switch from too nice to putting yourself first along the way. Guys mess up but will fix or handle better the next time when you assert your worth. Best to do that with your actions. This will be fun. Trust me and we will be here to help you 3
Author Bluemug Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 One thing that I think will really help also is that i truly believe: treat every interaction as a chance to show who you are. Even seemingly negative ones are not necessarily bad. When he flaked, which seems bad, it gave you an opportunity to show (even if it's a bit of fake it til you make it) that you place more value on yourself and he is not important enough yet to make a huge impact. THIS EVENT HAS VALUE. If he had shown up for first date, but believes you are a pushover, too nice or too available, you would have had the date but not the opportunity to prove his assumptions incorrect. EVERYTHING IS AN OPPORTUNITY. Put yourself first. I think the not-too-nice girls (who generally have better luck with guys) do this without thinking consciously about it. They are not really worried how he reacts to your reaction of his blowoff. It's not yours to fix. And if and when he circles back around, you will decide if he is worth your time because you are not fixated on him yet. You have other options and may not even be interested in someone who would treat you this way. Basically a girl who is not too nice thinks HE has possibly blown it not that IT is blown. Subtle shift of how invested you are or if you are thinking in absolutes. I also think too nice girls think every romance unfolds perfectly when it's right, like a fairy tale. Not true. Especially not if you are learning to switch from too nice to putting yourself first along the way. Guys mess up but will fix or handle better the next time when you assert your worth. Best to do that with your actions. This will be fun. Trust me and we will be here to help you Thank you. I do really appreciate it. My friends have taken the romantic "he'll come back" view and actually I needed to hear/read what you and others have said. I dunno what will happen but I know if I hear from him again I will be considering it very carefully. Honestly, I don't think he'd fit my life. Hmm 1
Versacehottie Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Thank you. I do really appreciate it. My friends have taken the romantic "he'll come back" view and actually I needed to hear/read what you and others have said. I dunno what will happen but I know if I hear from him again I will be considering it very carefully. Honestly, I don't think he'd fit my life. Hmm Yeah your friends might actually be right. BUT don't view it too romantically! That's idolizing something that ISN'T yet. That's holding out hope for someone that hasn't proven himself yet. If anything, now he's starting at -1 because you're not quite sure that he was being honest with the cancellation and he bungled by not immediately asking for a reschedule and overapologizing. That's what someone would do if he was as invested as you are and sincerely wanting to make sure this first date happened. You are exactly doing the RIGHT thing by: *Setting up the other date and being excited about it (outfit, hair, makeup, etc) *Considering this ship sailed (for now). A girl with options considers them as they come along and does what's best for her. She is comfortable assessing them when and if they come back up. Instead of treating anything with guys as monumental, treat it as little breezy moments...fun. *Fake it until it is really how your belief system is. That you are too cool to place a ton of weight on this one guy. You have other dating options and a full life so this is not a big deal. An unfortunate annoyance of your time that you won't let happen to you again with him unless he proves himself more committed to being worthy of your time and dating you. I would turn it into a funny story like he's an amusement to you. You are doing well. keep moving forward. 2
Author Bluemug Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Thought I'd report back - second first date of the day was fun we might have kissed, just seeing where it takes me. Fun Versacehottie - thank you!!! I'm committing that post to memory. IF that guy comes back, I will defo not be making a quick decision. It's hard to gain back respect 2
Versacehottie Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Thought I'd report back - second first date of the day was fun we might have kissed, just seeing where it takes me. Fun Versacehottie - thank you!!! I'm committing that post to memory. IF that guy comes back, I will defo not be making a quick decision. It's hard to gain back respect Thank you too! Yay, so glad the date went well! See how fun things could be. Don't let yourself get pinned down (either in your mind or for real) until someone has made a real and unique effort. And because you had just had the somewhat bad experience with the date that flaked, you didn't have much pressure on this date the one you went on and it was a good experience. That's typically how things go;) Keep us posted!
Author Bluemug Posted May 29, 2015 Author Posted May 29, 2015 Woke up to a message asking me on a second date No word from the idiot - friends are defending him still, maybe I'll set her up with him. Ha. 2
jen1447 Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 You should set up another date with the idiot and then cancel in favor of the new guy. Actually chances are idiot will suddenly find you more appealing and want to chase when he sees you dating and acting all content and like you don't give a damn about him.
candie13 Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 if I may, you're not ready to talk or interact with the flaky guy. Keep the living with the living and the dead with the dead. NC with old guy, ideally not even thinking about him. Games always backfire, even when things seem to go as planned. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 Woke up to a message asking me on a second date No word from the idiot - friends are defending him still, maybe I'll set her up with him. Ha. good for you. yeah, idiot won't contact right away (if at all). He is still acting out the emergency which means that he has to pretend as if things have been too chaotic to call and it will take a little while for him to realize you also may be blowing him off/not that interested. That's when he will contact for an ego boost/check in. You have to handle that contact very well: pleasant, brief, not too interested or concerned. Don't respond right away either. sorry it seems like a game but if you put it in perspective like this: show him level of effort equal to his (a little less in this case because he has catching up to do) but don't demean yourself in process by being rude or impolite. You know what it is, he knows what it is but it doesn't warrant a discussion unless he brings it up that makes you look kookoo and too invested in him (actually he should be one bringing it up to explain and apologize so let him do it); this is where you show you are not a pushover but care about yourself and your dignity more. That said, if you are not interested by time he contacts you then you don't need to respond at all. Or you can respond with honesty at that point just saying: I don't think we are a match or I'm dating someone else (it doesn't even matter if he contacts you tomorrow and you say this. point is: he missed his chance). Handling stuff like this will give you what YOU need (forget what happens with him, that will be a by product--though I know lots of examples where they become super interested when you handle like this). If you feel like you've ever been a pushover or too nice, someone will take advantage of it and push the boundaries. Take back you and the confidence you gain from holding your own will spill over into next guy. 2
Author Bluemug Posted May 29, 2015 Author Posted May 29, 2015 Hmm I think I'll just get on with date number 2 with this nice guy and idiot can live out his own life as he wishes. I would like to think he's an adult (and by any accounts mature!) but I don't care at this point for his feelings on the matter. There are nicer, more mature and respectful people out there that don't need to pull stunts.... That being said, I do sympathise of any family situation he has going on. I have my own (ailing grandparent, never nice) and that's taught me, move on, life is too short 1
Versacehottie Posted May 29, 2015 Posted May 29, 2015 Hmm I think I'll just get on with date number 2 with this nice guy and idiot can live out his own life as he wishes. I would like to think he's an adult (and by any accounts mature!) but I don't care at this point for his feelings on the matter. There are nicer, more mature and respectful people out there that don't need to pull stunts.... That being said, I do sympathise of any family situation he has going on. I have my own (ailing grandparent, never nice) and that's taught me, move on, life is too short i just think the majority of family situations are easy enough to say with a brief sentence. Most people are open enough where they let you in and disclose what problem is briefly. And guys typically love to check that a girl has some nuturing ability. Unless it's embarrassing. And if you think about potentially embarrassing ones, you probably wouldn't want to be involved with the guy (like my parent is in jail) OR they are probably actually about him. I'm not even sure why I'm speculating on this because I'm 95% sure he was lying about the emergency. Just like I said, every interaction is a chance to show who you are to a guy. So is every interaction a chance to learn about him. At the very least, no matter whether true emergency, his tendency is going to be to not be a great communicator of information and bury his feelings a bit. Even though you are virtual strangers, this, if true, would have been an opportunity for him to open up with a simple sentence or say something reassuring out of empathy and care for your feelings about being cancelled on, and he didn't. Even selfishly, in order to keep your budding relationship intact, he didn't. That teaches you something about him. So he's either THAT guy or a liar. Both less attractive than he was before he started this family emergency business.
Author Bluemug Posted May 29, 2015 Author Posted May 29, 2015 i just think the majority of family situations are easy enough to say with a brief sentence. Most people are open enough where they let you in and disclose what problem is briefly. And guys typically love to check that a girl has some nuturing ability. Unless it's embarrassing. And if you think about potentially embarrassing ones, you probably wouldn't want to be involved with the guy (like my parent is in jail) OR they are probably actually about him. I'm not even sure why I'm speculating on this because I'm 95% sure he was lying about the emergency. Just like I said, every interaction is a chance to show who you are to a guy. So is every interaction a chance to learn about him. At the very least, no matter whether true emergency, his tendency is going to be to not be a great communicator of information and bury his feelings a bit. Even though you are virtual strangers, this, if true, would have been an opportunity for him to open up with a simple sentence or say something reassuring out of empathy and care for your feelings about being cancelled on, and he didn't. Even selfishly, in order to keep your budding relationship intact, he didn't. That teaches you something about him. So he's either THAT guy or a liar. Both less attractive than he was before he started this family emergency business. This is true! I'm usually fairly honest about my family situation - I mean, without giving away all the details. The excuse was total rubbish, and I don't think any amount of convincing would have me comfortably agreeing to meet again. I'd always be suspicious! Second date with sweet man on Sunday quite excited 2
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