SankeCoffee Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) Ex broke up with me a little over a month ago, been in NC for 30 days or so, stopped counting. I Wrote an email the day after the BU saying why I loved her and how we started to grow apart but hopefully we hadn't grown to far apart to still be happy together. She basically told me she knew we aren't right for each other, which really hurt considering how she would always say how much she loved me and was so thankful to have me etc... At this point I am looking back trying to analyze what happened, signs say she prob got interested in someone else, but I don't know for sure. I am starting to blame myself some thinking if I did certian things more like going to see her more during the weekdays ( live 20 miles apart in the city and traffic is terrible, takes an hr to drive 20 miles after work) that we would still be together. We had good communication and never fought really, I would think if she was so unhappy she would of tired to talk to me about and how we could fix things, instead of just saying she was unhappy, needed space and ending the relationship. Basically I don't really know where things went wrong, and this makes me blame myself. I wish I could talk to her and see what she has to say about why she broke up with me ( she has never tried to contact me since BU) but I won't contact her because she broke up with me, and after spilling my heart in that email I need to save what dignity I have left. She knows how I feel, no need to open myself up to further hurt. Just makes me wonder and if she blames me for the BU even though I was so good to her. Is this normal ? Edited May 27, 2015 by SankeCoffee 1
PegNosePete Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 It's pretty normal, yes. You're in the negotiation/bartering phase of the grieving process. You say the signs point towards her being interested in someone else - surely this is in conflict with your feelings that it's somehow your fault. If she got interested in someone else then it's totally her fault. Who cares how she feels or who she blames? All that's important now is how you feel. 1
Author SankeCoffee Posted May 27, 2015 Author Posted May 27, 2015 It's pretty normal, yes. You're in the negotiation/bartering phase of the grieving process. You say the signs point towards her being interested in someone else - surely this is in conflict with your feelings that it's somehow your fault. If she got interested in someone else then it's totally her fault. Who cares how she feels or who she blames? All that's important now is how you feel. Well, I say that signs point to her being interested in someone else because that what everyone has told as to why she would just end things suddenly, I probably missed some of the red flags along the way. From what I have seen about her post BU I don't think that is the case, she has just been with friends and family, but I would think if there wasn't someone else then she would at least made an effort to reach out to me in the past month
Author SankeCoffee Posted May 27, 2015 Author Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) You need to stop stalking her. I know, I have several mutual friends on social media with her, I had to hide all of them because she kept popping up in pictures, I wasnt actively searching for her. I did this the other day, def should of removed those people when I removed her too but I didn't cause I felt bad , but it isn't about them it's about me healing. I have done it now and I must say it def helps Edited May 27, 2015 by SankeCoffee
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 You say the signs point towards her being interested in someone else - surely this is in conflict with your feelings that it's somehow your fault. If she got interested in someone else then it's totally her fault.. Actually, I believe its very easy to think that it is our fault that they became interested in someone else. Surely if we had just done, or not done, x,y and z, they would still be in love with us with no interest in anyone else... Very common OP... 1
Author SankeCoffee Posted May 27, 2015 Author Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) Actually, I believe its very easy to think that it is our fault that they became interested in someone else. Surely if we had just done, or not done, x,y and z, they would still be in love with us with no interest in anyone else... Very common OP... Yeah I agree with this, I know its not all my fault, but I find it very hard to not feel bad and blame myself. its sucks how someone is your best friend and you talk all the time everyday and then they are gone and you never know what there reasons were for ending it. I guess it doesn't really matter what the reasons are. She choose to end it, its broken. My wish for understanding is really just wishing we were still together. Need to get that **** out of my head Edited May 27, 2015 by SankeCoffee 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 You are going through the normal steps of grieving the loss of a loved one. Eventually, you will give yourself closure, and move on a stronger, wiser man. 1
DexterLS Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 It is quite normal. My girlfriend of 6 years cheated on me and blamed me for doing it. My lack of decision-making with respect to our future, apparently. Turns out she was sleeping with someone else and tried to pressure me into making a decision when she already knew my plans. To this day, around 2.5 months after the breakup and her being with the other guy now, she doesn't think she betrayed me and yes it got me thinking if I did anything wrong all the time.
Satu Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Yeah I agree with this, I know its not all my fault, but I find it very hard to not feel bad and blame myself. its sucks how someone is your best friend and you talk all the time everyday and then they are gone and you never know what there reasons were for ending it. I guess it doesn't really matter what the reasons are. She choose to end it, its broken. My wish for understanding is really just wishing we were still together. Need to get that **** out of my head As I said to a good friend the other day, "We blame ourselves because we know how to."
Author SankeCoffee Posted May 27, 2015 Author Posted May 27, 2015 Is it normal to never know what your ex reasons were for ending things, or is it something that will come out in time? She told me she knows we aren't right for each other, I wanna know why she thinks that, because everything she has ever told me has been on the contrary. Like I said I want to text her about it, but I will remain strong and refrain, I will never break NC unless she reaches out to me, and even then depending on the context and reason why she is contacting me
Meli22 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I really feel for you because I know how difficult it can be when we blame ourselves. My ex's feelings changed for some reason, I honestly believe it was boredom. He told me this 4 months before we actually broke up (it was ME that did the dumping too) and for all that time, and for a while after, I beat myself up so much. I constantly wondered why I wasn't good enough. I even thought I was ugly because of the lack of affection he gave me (because his lack of efforts, he accused me of likely seeking attention elsewhere, go figure?). I do believe this is totally normal - your girlfriend broke up pretty much out of nowhere im assuming? Please understand that this isn't your fault and that its her. If she hadn't told you her reasoning, then this is enough to indicate it's nothing that you did, but likely about something she's dealing with. The fact you poured your heart out to her after the split shows great investment on your behalf - be proud of that. You may not ever know the real reason behind this, she may not even know herself. But just know that you did all you could, and this is her problem not yours. Best wishes, if I could hug you now I would! 1
Author SankeCoffee Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 I really feel for you because I know how difficult it can be when we blame ourselves. My ex's feelings changed for some reason, I honestly believe it was boredom. He told me this 4 months before we actually broke up (it was ME that did the dumping too) and for all that time, and for a while after, I beat myself up so much. I constantly wondered why I wasn't good enough. I even thought I was ugly because of the lack of affection he gave me (because his lack of efforts, he accused me of likely seeking attention elsewhere, go figure?). I do believe this is totally normal - your girlfriend broke up pretty much out of nowhere im assuming? Please understand that this isn't your fault and that its her. If she hadn't told you her reasoning, then this is enough to indicate it's nothing that you did, but likely about something she's dealing with. The fact you poured your heart out to her after the split shows great investment on your behalf - be proud of that. You may not ever know the real reason behind this, she may not even know herself. But just know that you did all you could, and this is her problem not yours. Best wishes, if I could hug you now I would! Thank you for your kind words. I think I'm just going to have to come to my on conclusion on why things didn't work out and accept it
erklat Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 Ex broke up with me a little over a month ago, been in NC for 30 days or so, stopped counting. I Wrote an email the day after the BU saying why I loved her and how we started to grow apart but hopefully we hadn't grown to far apart to still be happy together. She basically told me she knew we aren't right for each other, which really hurt considering how she would always say how much she loved me and was so thankful to have me etc... At this point I am looking back trying to analyze what happened, signs say she prob got interested in someone else, but I don't know for sure. I am starting to blame myself some thinking if I did certian things more like going to see her more during the weekdays ( live 20 miles apart in the city and traffic is terrible, takes an hr to drive 20 miles after work) that we would still be together. We had good communication and never fought really, I would think if she was so unhappy she would of tired to talk to me about and how we could fix things, instead of just saying she was unhappy, needed space and ending the relationship. Basically I don't really know where things went wrong, and this makes me blame myself. I wish I could talk to her and see what she has to say about why she broke up with me ( she has never tried to contact me since BU) but I won't contact her because she broke up with me, and after spilling my heart in that email I need to save what dignity I have left. She knows how I feel, no need to open myself up to further hurt. Just makes me wonder and if she blames me for the BU even though I was so good to her. Is this normal ? Don't overanalyze much. She played a part in demise of your rs too. She blames you to relieve her guilt. My ex also blamed me for lashing out on her. Truth was her actions put me in pain for days before I couldn't bear it any moar. She was the one who broke us up. 1
SLee Posted May 28, 2015 Posted May 28, 2015 I blamed myself for weeks when my ex broke up with me, and he didn't help ease that any either. I stopped blaming myself the second I realized that what he had done just before the break up was his fault. And I realized that the misery of blaming myself just wasn't worth my sanity or the misery it brought me. I instantly felt better. Not completely healed, but much better.
Author SankeCoffee Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 I hate breakups, I am a very emotional stable person and this past month has been a roller coaster. The hardest part is admitting its over, and letting go of all hope that your ex has a change of heart.
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