Suffering depression - fiance thinks I'm selfish, and broke up with me.

May 27, 2015

Hi there,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, and we got engaged only 2 months ago. Prior meeting to him, I had been depressed due to various things (wasn’t formally diagnosed), suffered (still struggling) from an eating disorder, and experienced anxiety attacks in the past. After meeting my boyfriend, I felt my depression had subsided but there were still some underlying issues – low self-esteem, insecurities, paranoia and anxiety. Nevertheless, I ignored my issues for a very long time and tried to maintain the relationship. However, there were numerous problems in our relationship which have caused me to become very anxious, nervous, and emotionally sensitive now – and I feel that I am going back to being depressed.

I experienced a terrible mental break-down 4 days ago, which my boyfriend witnessed, and since then I’ve been feeling extremely out of it, not communicating much – feeling the need to isolate myself. My boyfriend thinks I’m selfish for being so consumed by my own issues and do not even have a reason to feel depressed. He thinks my depression is merely a façade because outwardly my life seems ‘perfect.’ I tried to tell him that I need professional help, and really cannot explain what I’m going through. He tried to be supportive and things seemed to be all right.

This morning, however – JUST a day after I told him I wasn’t feeling okay mentally, and needed to seek help – this is what happens… He calls me in the morning, we talk normally, he starts saying how he felt so neglected for the past few days because I wasn’t really talking to him much post-mental breakdown, and how he couldn’t even concentrate on studying for his exams because of me. I told him that he had all weekend to study, but he often has this tendency to STOP focusing on school whenever we have a fight – and then holds me accountable for causing him stress and disallowing him to study. But anyway, I ignored that, and he asked me if I was talking to any of my other friends over the past few days of me feeling out of it. I told him no, not really, except I messaged one of my female friends saying congrats because her brother got into a very competitive medical school. Prior to this, I had only mentioned my friend’s brother ONCE in past to my fiancé – telling him how my friend’s brother got a very well-paying job right after he graduated, and I was happy for my friend and her family as they went through a lot of financially difficult times. This completely outraged my fiancé, and he got extremely anger over how I had to the time to congratulate my friend despite me feeling unwell. On top of that, my fiancé starts going on about how I was trying to rub it in his face about how accomplished my friend’s brother was (I had no intent of doing this) and how I was comparing ‘other men’ to my fiancé. I got extremely upset because I really had NO intention of doing this. In fact, my friend’s brother is married and I’ve only met him ONCE in person. Anyway, in response to this my fiancé says “oh well you know, Lisa (his female friend) is really smart too. She’s an engineer, and she’s going to pursue her masters and she’s doing really well in life.” I got extremely upset over this because I couldn’t believe he was taking me congratulating my friend to THIS extent. Then causing my fiancé to say “see how it feels? When you try to rub the accomplishments of others in my face. Just wanted you to get a taste of your own medicine.”

I got mad at this, and he goes on to tell me how selfish I am, and I only care about things I’m sensitive about, but not things that affect him (me congratulating my FRIEND about her brother being one example) – he then said we should not stay in touch anymore, because I don’t care about this relationship or him and I’m the most selfish person he’s met in life, and how he sees no future with me whatsoever, and told me not to contact him ever again. I just stayed completely silent because I am so mentally drained at this point and don’t even know what’s happening with myself.

I’m just really, really upset because I’m already dealing with so many mental issues. Waking up and living life is such a burden for me, and now I have to live with the guilt for destroying my finace’s life and our relationship?

May 27, 2015

you two should never have met, tbh, sooner or later most ppl look back and think of ppl like that, some not all, just try not to kiss a frog next time

Edited May 27, 2015 by darkmoon

May 27, 2015

Take the break up as a blessing in disguise. Anybody who thinks that their SO has an illness to inconvenience or upset them is not somebody you need to marry.

Give the ring back. Take all the energy you were wasting on him & concentrate on your school & getting better. When you are feeling stronger you will better be able to find a new BF to have a healthy relationship with.

May 27, 2015

The relationship has no foundations.

Let it go and get some medical help for your depression.

May 27, 2015

Depression is horrible, I've been severely depressed myself so I know how it feels. He is the one being selfish, not you *hugs*

You're better off without him.

May 27, 2015

This post really hit home for me. My boyfriend suffers through bouts of depression, and I can really relate to the things that your fiance said to you. People that have never gone through depression don't have a great understanding about it, and it can cause some real conflicts in a relationship when one person suffers from it. There are some times that I think the same in my own relationship, but then I stop and think about how it affects him and then do what I can to give him what he needs from me. It's not easy, but it is doable.

If your fiance isn't willing to try to understand what you're going through, then maybe this is the best thing to happen to the both of you. If he doesn't understand it, then he'll continue to feel like you're not giving him the love and attention he needs, and you'll keep feeling further misunderstood and isolated. neither are healthy. And one person can't destroy a relationship; it takes two to do that. Don't allow him to put all the burden on you, since he's the one that gave up.

Just focus on getting help for your issues and healing yourself through counseling.

May 27, 2015

You know what? You're probably better off, because now you have one less problem to think about.

He's not the kind of guy who will support you in these problems you're having. In fact, he seems to need more support than he can provide.

I don't think that's the right recipe for either of you.

May 27, 2015

You really need to seek individual counseling for yourself from a professional that can help you with these issues you're having. An advice forum can only do so much.

You need to focus on YOU! You need to start loving yourself again. Because, if you can't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? You need to make positive changes in your life and surround yourself with positive people.

You might be down, but you're definitely not out! This is completely fixable.

May 27, 2015

find a counselor or therapist that you feel comfortable with.

Read the book Conversations with God.

Depression is a spiritual issue in my opinion.

Are you doing things you enjoy? Do you know what you enjoy? Do you nurture you and take care of you? Or do you constantly sacrifice to appease others?

Check out OSHO on Youtube. There's a lot of free advice on youtube if you can't get to a therapist right away.

May 27, 2015

I really understand the issues you are dealing with with depression as I've been a long-term sufferer. I also understand what it's like to live with someone who is depressed and who never seems any better and who expects understanding when you might be having your own issues. To that extent, I can sympathise with your fiance too. Have you sought help for depression and anxiety before? Maybe this break up is a indicator that it has reached a point where you need outside help and not just your boyfriend.

I can see that this is a devastating thing to happen to you when you are already feeling down. Being told that this is the best thing that can happen because you are well rid of him, etc., is not really what you want to hear at the moment, however true that might prove to be in the long run. At the moment, you are dealing with shock.

Try to understand that it has been difficult for your fiance too but also realise that maybe he's not up to it and that you would be better off with someone who has more empathy and isn't so sarcastic. It sounds like he was feeling attacked and as if he wasn't successful enough for you. That might be his hang up. I'm sure he is thinking this over and wondering if he did the right thing, but right now you need to be seeking help to cope with the depression and for support under the circumstances. Find a counsellor if possible. Talk to friends and family, those who you know love you. Keep posting here. Seek out support and leave your fiance to work through his issues. Maybe you will both get through this crisis separately and be drawn back together again, but if not you will have gained strength from professional help.

xx

May 27, 2015

You DID NOT ruin your fiances life nor did you ruin your relationship.

You dispel that thought from your head RIGHT NOW. That path is one not one worth walking down especially right now.

Your ex called you selfish because he's PROJECTING. His every word to you in your exchange was about HIM. Reread your words very carefully and reflect on the conversation. You congratulating someone else was about HIM. You mentioning some elses triumphs was about HIM. You having to RIGHTFULLY withdraw for a few days and him feeling slighted was about HIM.

Now, knowing that everything you just brought up was a reaction rising from his OWN self concerns, you SHOULD NOT EVER think you truly harmed this mans life or ruined your relationship and you should sluff off any of his attempts to blame you because they will, once again, be about HIM trying to protect himself by PROJECTING ALL blame on you.

And if his attempts DO get you onto these thoughts, step back, take a deep breath, and ponder if you only feel that way because he programmed you to feel this way over the course the relationship. I'll bet you he did and its important to remember that so you can put up a strong mental defense in this delicate time in your life and mind.

You may not feel so now, but you will be better off not being with this man.

You are definitely going through a very rough time. I hope you seek the aide you need.

We are all here if you need to talk.

Edited May 27, 2015 by fireflywy

May 27, 2015

with less clutter, him, you will have less to be depressed about, concentrate on what matters, not him

May 28, 2015

Take the break up as a blessing in disguise. Anybody who thinks that their SO has an illness to inconvenience or upset them is not somebody you need to marry.

Give the ring back. Take all the energy you were wasting on him & concentrate on your school & getting better. When you are feeling stronger you will better be able to find a new BF to have a healthy relationship with.

Thank you for the reply. Problem is... he doesn't believe I have an illness. He thinks that for someone to be in depression there has to have been a major catastrophe in their life i.e death of a loved one or something along those lines.

I, myself, am so confused about what I'm going through that I cannot fully express how I feel to him either - but I did tell him the day before our last fight that I will seek help and until then I just need him to be a little patient with me. I don't yell or scream or verbally abuse him or anything - my problem is that I merely go silent and have a hard time communicating with him when I'm feeling very upset. The last thing I need to hear from him is that I'm selfish, and responsible for the destruction of this relationship...because I already indulge in a lot of self-blame and feel like all my decisions/thoughts/feelings are always invalid. I have no self-worth and in the past whenever he's alluded to breaking up with me, I break down and start to beg and plead and promise him I'll change.

When he was breaking up with me, he again told me that my silence speaks for itself and my inability to fight for this relationship further indicates how selfish I am...But I honestly am not in the right state of mind to say/make any decisions right now. I just go into this shock mode whenever we fight now, and completely lose myself.

May 28, 2015

find a counselor or therapist that you feel comfortable with.

Read the book Conversations with God.

Depression is a spiritual issue in my opinion.

Are you doing things you enjoy? Do you know what you enjoy? Do you nurture you and take care of you? Or do you constantly sacrifice to appease others?

Check out OSHO on Youtube. There's a lot of free advice on youtube if you can't get to a therapist right away.

I don't do much. I work full-time, and when I'm not working I'm either spending time with my parents or him. Don't really have any friends, or a social life. And it makes me further sick to know I won't have anyone but my parents anymore.

May 28, 2015

You DID NOT ruin your fiances life nor did you ruin your relationship.

You dispel that thought from your head RIGHT NOW. That path is one not one worth walking down especially right now.

Your ex called you selfish because he's PROJECTING. His every word to you in your exchange was about HIM. Reread your words very carefully and reflect on the conversation. You congratulating someone else was about HIM. You mentioning some elses triumphs was about HIM. You having to RIGHTFULLY withdraw for a few days and him feeling slighted was about HIM.

Now, knowing that everything you just brought up was a reaction rising from his OWN self concerns, you SHOULD NOT EVER think you truly harmed this mans life or ruined your relationship and you should sluff off any of his attempts to blame you because they will, once again, be about HIM trying to protect himself by PROJECTING ALL blame on you.

And if his attempts DO get you onto these thoughts, step back, take a deep breath, and ponder if you only feel that way because he programmed you to feel this way over the course the relationship. I'll bet you he did and its important to remember that so you can put up a strong mental defense in this delicate time in your life and mind.

You may not feel so now, but you will be better off not being with this man.

You are definitely going through a very rough time. I hope you seek the aide you need.

We are all here if you need to talk.

Thank you for your help, and taking out the time to read my problem.

Throughout this relationship I've constantly been struggling with what I feel is right, and what he thinks is right. He's constantly telling me that I'm the one blaming him, projecting my issues on him, and being so self-consumed that I don't care for him at all. And to some extent, I do agree. He's right in that when I'm upset I get really caught up in the way I'm feeling that I shut him out - and I really did want to seek help for me behaving this way, but I thought I could work through my issues myself. Nevertheless, after my recent mental breakdown, I really came to the conclusion that I need help outside of this relationship, and outside of the workings of my own mind. I understand I have a lot of underlying issues, and for the first time (in 2 years) that I spoke to him about them - he breaks up with me the next day over me congratulating a female friend over her brother's accomplishment?

It just sucks because I know I'll be tempted to beg him to take me back because of the fear that no one else will take me for who I am... or feeling that I'll have to live with feeling like I ruined the relationship, and that at the end of the day if I didn't have all these issues then the relationship wouldn't have ended.

I've lived with constantly regretting all my decisions/choice in life, and now I have to live with feeling like I'm responsible for wrecking a good relationship, being a selfish person, and apparently not giving as much to the relationship as he did. Sigh.

It seems to me that we're both very sensitive, insecure and low-self esteem individuals; and because of that we both constantly feel the same way. It's just worse for me because I lack more mental stability than him, and so he feels he's doing more the chasing - when instead he thinks he needs to be mothered by me as well.

Edited May 28, 2015 by Broken_x0x

May 28, 2015

I'm not sure what I should be doing right now?

If I don't contact him, he'll have more reason to believe that I'm selfish and didn't fight for this relationship.

But at the same time, I'm so mentally distraught and contacting him means having to probably hear how bad of a person I am again...and I'm not sure if I can handle that anymore.

I just don't want to feel like... I let something good go away, and didn't fight for it when I should have.

May 28, 2015

Hmmm, okay so what you are describing is a normal daily life.

Really and truly, do you want someone who cannot handle normal daily life??

May 28, 2015

Can you take a siesta? Not a break, more like a Time Out.

May 28, 2015

Thank you for your help, and taking out the time to read my problem.

Throughout this relationship I've constantly been struggling with what I feel is right, and what he thinks is right. He's constantly telling me that I'm the one blaming him, projecting my issues on him, and being so self-consumed that I don't care for him at all. And to some extent, I do agree. He's right in that when I'm upset I get really caught up in the way I'm feeling that I shut him out - and I really did want to seek help for me behaving this way, but I thought I could work through my issues myself. Nevertheless, after my recent mental breakdown, I really came to the conclusion that I need help outside of this relationship, and outside of the workings of my own mind. I understand I have a lot of underlying issues, and for the first time (in 2 years) that I spoke to him about them - he breaks up with me the next day over me congratulating a female friend over her brother's accomplishment?

It just sucks because I know I'll be tempted to beg him to take me back because of the fear that no one else will take me for who I am... or feeling that I'll have to live with feeling like I ruined the relationship, and that at the end of the day if I didn't have all these issues then the relationship wouldn't have ended.

I've lived with constantly regretting all my decisions/choice in life, and now I have to live with feeling like I'm responsible for wrecking a good relationship, being a selfish person, and apparently not giving as much to the relationship as he did. Sigh.

It seems to me that we're both very sensitive, insecure and low-self esteem individuals; and because of that we both constantly feel the same way. It's just worse for me because I lack more mental stability than him, and so he feels he's doing more the chasing - when instead he thinks he needs to be mothered by me as well.

Perhaps you do shut down. Perhaps it angered it him at times. However, both you and HE know why but he is shutting you down whicvgh, as other posters here say, isn't the sign of a partner being able to offer the support that you need.

You are definitely going through a lot of pain right now and honestly, he should NOT be telling you how YOU feel or appraising how broken you feel right now.

In regards to the low self esteem dynamic, if he feels low self esteem all of the time then he strikes out at you blaming you for the relationship problems. This causes you to have lesser self esteem which cause you to withdraw to which he, by your withdraw, just makes him feel low and he strikes out again which you accept by chasing him. This is a viscious cycle.

In the end, you two just don't mix well but because the mixing is so volatile between you two you feel like there MUST be something there and there is, but its not a healthy relationship.

Some of the other posters here are right that this just simply won't worj and he isn't right and you need one less concern right now (him) to deal with your current state. Its okay to walk away for a little while and may be beneficial to walk away completely.

As for what I bolded, that is nonsense. There are people out there, secure attachers, who can accept you for who you are and can, through a good relationship, actually ELEVATE you up as long as you're willing to accept yourself and see value in lifting yourself up as well.

I don't know this guy, but right now, at this moment, he doesn't seem worth it. You however, are worth getting beyond this by taking care of yourself first and foremost.

May 28, 2015

I'm not sure what I should be doing right now?

If I don't contact him, he'll have more reason to believe that I'm selfish and didn't fight for this relationship.

But at the same time, I'm so mentally distraught and contacting him means having to probably hear how bad of a person I am again...and I'm not sure if I can handle that anymore.

I just don't want to feel like... I let something good go away, and didn't fight for it when I should have.

You SHOULDN'T fight for him right now. Fight for yourself, and your own right to be happy. If that means to get help for your depression, go get help for it. He doesn't believe depression is a medical condition - just a mood. If that's really what he believes, and you really suffer from the condition, then this will never work.

If he can't fathom to think that maybe there is more to it, because his fiancee suffers from it, then this will be a blessing. Depression is something that people struggle with throughout their life, and he doesn't believe it is anything more than a mood. Think of what your life will be like.

May 28, 2015

why are you with this idiot?

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Suffering depression - fiance thinks I'm selfish, and broke up with me.

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