BluEyeL Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 I personally could string myself along because I hate dating so much So I get why you'd hesitate, especially after so many disappointments.
Leigh 87 Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 You would at least think that they were head over heels and smitten to warrant WANTING to work through the obstacles. I sure wouldn't bother trying to " fix" things and to " work " on problems this early on in a relationship that didn't have some killer chemistry or SOMETHING very, very compelling to make me want to stick around.
lana-banana Posted June 17, 2015 Posted June 17, 2015 Well when you put it that way ... To be fair to him, I could apply the labels of insecure, inexperienced, and unsure to myself as well. But I understand what you're saying. When looking at it through the lens of your comment, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I guess some reasons for staying include the fact that he happened to come along after a string of 28 disappointments—that he simply stuck around was enough for me at first. I was excited to be in a relationship that lasted more than two months. I honestly thought it would get better. I don't want to start over; I dread having to jump back in the dating pool. I'm very driven, and once I'm in something, I want to try and make it better. Even though I've had anxiety about it before, this is honestly the first time I've thought about breaking up with him for real. I have never dumped someone before, and that too gives me a lot of anxiety—because a) I don't want to hurt him, and b) what if I won't be able to do any better? I have so many single female friend my age who are unhappy, and I'm deathly terrified of being that way as well. But yes, I do see what you're saying. All your sentiments are 100% understandable and every woman over the age of 25 can empathize. Fear, anxiety, dread, doubt, uncertainty, frustration, low-self-esteem; these are all valid emotions. They are, however, terrible reasons to stay in a relationship. It sounds like you really want a lasting, loving relationship as most people do. I can tell you right now this guy isn't going to fulfill that desire. You even admit as much. Could you imagine telling your relationship story to your friends? "Well, I wasn't in love with him or anything, but he stuck around and I hate being alone." Being alone and satisfied with yourself is so, so much better than being in a relationship where you never feel truly close to your partner. The latter is as lonely as it gets because it makes you doubt yourself and the world around you. You can and will do better than this. Trust me. 3
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 (edited) Losangelena, it's been kind of sad to see you stressing out about your guy and this relationship...and I can understand why you're not so quick to abandon ship over the things that have been happening between you two lately. Have you ever thought (and really imagined) what your life would be like if you broke up with him and you were on your own? Sure, you'd miss him and you'd be lonely at first, but...would your life (and your emotions) be stress-free without him around? Would you be able to accomplish more of your short term and/or long term goals? Would you feel relieved that you don't have to worry about or feel anxiety over the things that you're currently experiencing with him? Are you willing to become single and continue dating until you find a guy that you're more compatible with and who's more experienced relationship-wise and sexually? If you answer 'yes' or even 'maybe' to any of the above questions, then maybe you should sit down quietly with yourself and carefully evaluate this relationship - consider how you feel each and every day that you're in this relationship and consider whether this relationship is making you feel more uncertainty, anxiety and doubt rather than the contentment, security and overall happiness it should be making you feel. Sometimes, the person who we may feel comfortable with and who doesn't treat us bad in the general sense isn't always the person we should remain in a relationship with. And sometimes, a person's lack of (and/or negative) life experience(s) can affect our relationship (and our daily interactions) with them in ways that aren't conducive to our happiness or our emotional and spiritual well-being. . Edited June 18, 2015 by BlackOpsZombieGirl 2
jen1447 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Um, is this sth a blowjob wouldn't fix? Srsly. My take is I believe what he said is true and that he had some anxiety over the assistance incident.* I suspect that's based on and exacerbated by your difficulties with communicating well, which we saw in the original topic. There's a bit of a screen between you two, so if sth relatively minor happens that seems to make the connection blurrier, he overreacts to it. It may also contribute that you tend to overanalyze things LA (please don't take that as an insult), so as a typical guy he'll rebel against that bc it just makes him feel more uncomfortable. The end result is exactly what you got - lengthy, moody silence over a minor misunderstanding. The problem is you can look forward to a lot more of that if communication doesn't improve. * I have to ask - you described the act as a "hand job." I assume he was fingering you and you took over? The term hand job is usually used to describe a guy having his penis stroked. Was a bit confused at first bc I thought maybe you were wearing a strapon or sth, which could change all the dynamics quite a lot.
Author losangelena Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Could you imagine telling your relationship story to your friends? "Well, I wasn't in love with him or anything, but he stuck around and I hate being alone." Ha! I had to laugh at this one. How romantic! I guess my hope was that the narrative would be something like, "two inexperienced people get together and make it work."
Author losangelena Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Um, is this sth a blowjob wouldn't fix? Srsly. I totally go for a bj, if he'd let me get close to him! When I was at his place on Tuesday, he would barely kiss me. * I have to ask - you described the act as a "hand job." I assume he was fingering you and you took over? The term hand job is usually used to describe a guy having his penis stroked. Was a bit confused at first bc I thought maybe you were wearing a strapon or sth, which could change all the dynamics quite a lot. Yeah, sorry, I meant fingering. "Hand job" in the sense that he was using his hand.
jen1447 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I totally go for a bj, if he'd let me get close to him! When I was at his place on Tuesday, he would barely kiss me. Is it in your psych makeup/power to 'take command?' As in walk up to him aggressively and push him down on the couch and have you way?
smackie9 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Is it in your psych makeup/power to 'take command?' As in walk up to him aggressively and push him down on the couch and have you way? He might call rape lol 1
Author losangelena Posted June 18, 2015 Author Posted June 18, 2015 Is it in your psych makeup/power to 'take command?' As in walk up to him aggressively and push him down on the couch and have you way? Maaaaybe ... But, the other day I kinda gently goosed him with my toe and he stepped away without saying anything—that was actually my tip off that something truly was "wrong," because he has never reacted like that to playful touching. So, I dunno, I think pulling a move like that at this point do more harm than good. Maybe not ... I don't know anymore.
jen1447 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Do you think he's acting this way out of genuine inhibition due to the circumstances, or is he 'punishing' you?
katiegrl Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 I totally go for a bj, if he'd let me get close to him! When I was at his place on Tuesday, he would barely kiss me. LA, this doesn't sound good.. and gosh I hate to say this....but it sounds like something happened that night that caused him to lose his attraction to you. Or maybe things have been building up to that. In any event, when your boyfriend barely wants to kiss you, something is definitely wrong...something deeper than your helping him finger you. I am so sorry!
lana-banana Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Do you think he's acting this way out of genuine inhibition due to the circumstances, or is he 'punishing' you? I think it's absolutely the latter. Experience or no, there's no excuse for treating someone (especially a girlfriend!) this way. We were all so focused on the sex that we mostly missed the part where he said he was still thinking about their future and what he wanted. A statement like that, followed by blaming her for something absurd during sex and then pulling away---that all but seals the deal. If a guy tells you he's still trying to figure out if you have a future together and then proceeds to treat you poorly, it's pretty clear he's less than dedicated to a future with you. I'm beginning to agree with previous posters who suggested he may be trying to force her to break up. 1
No_Go Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Lana, I think this is over-assuming. This guy is a big introvert, he may just don't know how communicate his frustration. And this relationship is under an year old, they are still working on getting in sync with their communication styles. Regarding the future-together comment - maybe he has financial difficulties and doesn't see himself as a provider for a family, maybe his visa is expiring and he's not sure can he stay in the country, maybe there are cultural differences... Of course these are just random thoughts, but I just can relate to this guy, as being similar in him in a way (big time introvert, foreigner, concerned with money, bad communicator). I think it's absolutely the latter. Experience or no, there's no excuse for treating someone (especially a girlfriend!) this way. We were all so focused on the sex that we mostly missed the part where he said he was still thinking about their future and what he wanted. A statement like that, followed by blaming her for something absurd during sex and then pulling away---that all but seals the deal. If a guy tells you he's still trying to figure out if you have a future together and then proceeds to treat you poorly, it's pretty clear he's less than dedicated to a future with you. I'm beginning to agree with previous posters who suggested he may be trying to force her to break up.
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Lana, I think this is over-assuming. This guy is a big introvert, he may just don't know how communicate his frustration. And this relationship is under an year old, they are still working on getting in sync with their communication styles. Regarding the future-together comment - maybe he has financial difficulties and doesn't see himself as a provider for a family, maybe his visa is expiring and he's not sure can he stay in the country, maybe there are cultural differences... Of course these are just random thoughts, but I just can relate to this guy, as being similar in him in a way (big time introvert, foreigner, concerned with money, bad communicator). Fair enough....but did you ever experience a time or times where you did not wish to kiss your girlfriend? I understand not being a great communicator, I understand being a introvert...but nevertheless...despite all this, I would think if you still felt attracted, you would still have the desire to kiss her...be affectionate with her, right? LA did not do anything that horrid to warrant how he is treating her IMO. Am I way off to think this?
Redhead14 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 LA: There is a book that I recommend that you read. In fact, I'd recommend it to all women really. It's called Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It talks about unresolved anger and issues and the effect it has on the relationship and the individuals. It also goes into how to address a partner who is being uncommunicative/uncooperative in dealing with an issue -- shuts down. It covers a ton of other things and issues for women and the way they deal with their own anger, insecurities, etc.. It's a good read. Everything may not apply to your situation, but there should be some things in there that will help you get a better perspective here. 2
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 The purpose of dating is to find yourself a compatible mate for a long term relationship. When the dating relationship isn't satisfying on several levels you don't fix it, you break it. You and him are not compatible. You know it 9 months in, don't turn this into a unhappy unsatisfying 5-10 year marriage. Yes it sucks to go back to being single but each day you are staying in a dysfunctional relationship you are denying yourself finding a truly compatible partner. And being single isn't that bad at all ;-) I much prefer spending a night at home with my dog, cooking, watching a good show and postin on LS than being stressed over not knowing if my bf is upset, hurt, or what ever. Look at you, you are gorgeous!! smart, kind, patient and loving. Why waste it on a man that is incapable of fully appreciating it? 5
Author losangelena Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 The purpose of dating is to find yourself a compatible mate for a long term relationship. When the dating relationship isn't satisfying on several levels you don't fix it, you break it. You and him are not compatible. You know it 9 months in, don't turn this into a unhappy unsatisfying 5-10 year marriage. Yes it sucks to go back to being single but each day you are staying in a dysfunctional relationship you are denying yourself finding a truly compatible partner. And being single isn't that bad at all ;-) I much prefer spending a night at home with my dog, cooking, watching a good show and postin on LS than being stressed over not knowing if my bf is upset, hurt, or what ever. Look at you, you are gorgeous!! smart, kind, patient and loving. Why waste it on a man that is incapable of fully appreciating it? Oh Gaeta, thank you; I'm blushing. I think I am slowly coming to this realization. I was just talking to my roommate earlier—I really don't mind being single! I barely dated at all until I was 33, and have a rich social life and lots of friends, and I really value my independence. I do absolutely dread getting back into the dating pool, and would wait a while to do so, but I'm not devastated by the thought of not being with my BF at this particular moment. I'm away from him now, at my own home. We don't have any concrete plans for the weekend, and I have Friday night booked doing something else. We shall see ... 2
Author losangelena Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 LA: There is a book that I recommend that you read. In fact, I'd recommend it to all women really. It's called Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It talks about unresolved anger and issues and the effect it has on the relationship and the individuals. It also goes into how to address a partner who is being uncommunicative/uncooperative in dealing with an issue -- shuts down. It covers a ton of other things and issues for women and the way they deal with their own anger, insecurities, etc.. It's a good read. Everything may not apply to your situation, but there should be some things in there that will help you get a better perspective here. I know of the book, and have actually read parts of her other book, Dance of Intimacy. Thanks for the rec, I will definitely look into it.
Author losangelena Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 Do you think he's acting this way out of genuine inhibition due to the circumstances, or is he 'punishing' you? I think what happened is that I offended his manhood by taking things into my own hands (yes, pun intended). Since it seems like he interpreted it as, "she doesn't need me for sex," that perhaps he's a bit turned off at the moment. That could account for the lack of physical contact, and also that he didn't want to tell me—that after a few days he hopes his desire would come back. Of course, it might not, we'll see. LA, this doesn't sound good.. and gosh I hate to say this....but it sounds like something happened that night that caused him to lose his attraction to you. In any event, when your boyfriend barely wants to kiss you, something is definitely wrong...something deeper than your helping him finger you. See above: I think he feels emasculated and hopes that his desire will return in time (can that come back after it's gone??). That's why he kept telling me he didn't want to talk about it (I'm assuming, anyway). I think it's absolutely the latter. Experience or no, there's no excuse for treating someone (especially a girlfriend!) this way. We were all so focused on the sex that we mostly missed the part where he said he was still thinking about their future and what he wanted. A statement like that, followed by blaming her for something absurd during sex and then pulling away---that all but seals the deal. If a guy tells you he's still trying to figure out if you have a future together and then proceeds to treat you poorly, it's pretty clear he's less than dedicated to a future with you. I'm beginning to agree with previous posters who suggested he may be trying to force her to break up. This is definitely a possibility, that he's just trying to get me to break up with him. However, I agree with No_Go that there might just be other things on his mind. The "I don't know about the future" line did catch my attention, but I felt like it was more important to hear him out in the moment than go digging for more explanations. Also, he didn't blame me for what happened—he told me flat out that I didn't do anything inappropriate or embarrassing. I think either he felt a bit sheepish that he was bothered by something so minor, OR his own reaction maybe took him by surprise—that he would find himself so turned off, hence is reticence to go into it. I think if he was truly angry or hurt, he would have wanted to be by himself during that time. Maybe not, I could be wrong. He wasn't being totally unaffectionate, just less so, and yeah the kissing thing was a no go. But I mean, if that's how he was feeling, I can kind of understand. Again, I may be totally off-base. Lana, I think this is over-assuming. This guy is a big introvert, he may just don't know how communicate his frustration. And this relationship is under an year old, they are still working on getting in sync with their communication styles. Regarding the future-together comment - maybe he has financial difficulties and doesn't see himself as a provider for a family, maybe his visa is expiring and he's not sure can he stay in the country, maybe there are cultural differences... Of course these are just random thoughts, but I just can relate to this guy, as being similar in him in a way (big time introvert, foreigner, concerned with money, bad communicator). I agree most with this. I think he is assessing his OWN future and wondering if I have a place in it. I know his financial situation bothers him; I cannot imagine the ruckus it will amongst his family if and when he decides to tell them about me (sh*t will absolutely hit the fan), and I'm sure that he is taking his time in deciding whether or not I am worth potentially losing his family over. The fact that he chose to have me over in his space as he is wrestling with whatever hurt feelings or lack of attraction is still a big thing; many men would just cave, and I wish he had, because it would have saved me a lot of stress. Fair enough....but did you ever experience a time or times where you did not wish to kiss your girlfriend? I understand not being a great communicator, I understand being a introvert...but nevertheless...despite all this, I would think if you still felt attracted, you would still have the desire to kiss her...be affectionate with her, right? LA did not do anything that horrid to warrant how he is treating her IMO. Am I way off to think this? I wouldn't say it's been "horrid." He's been off, and he did tell me why, and prefaced it all with, "you didn't do anything wrong," and "I just want to make you happy." Now, I know people say a lot of sh*t they don't mean, especially in the heat of the moment, but to me it really sounds like he was trying to work this issue through on his own and I just caught on and started asking questions—which, I know I'm fully in the right to do. Maybe he is grooming me to break up with him, and if so that's fine—I've been grooming myself for that as an eventuality. Thanks again ladies; y'all are steadfast.
No_Go Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 Family thing is big. I can again empathize with him on that, even now I'm horrified how they are going to accept my current bf if I introduce him. And in his case he has all the intercultural stigma around, which must be hard. Something that could be worth discussing (his feelings around a potential introduction), it may make him open up. I agree most with this. I think he is assessing his OWN future and wondering if I have a place in it. I know his financial situation bothers him; I cannot imagine the ruckus it will amongst his family if and when he decides to tell them about me (sh*t will absolutely hit the fan), and I'm sure that he is taking his time in deciding whether or not I am worth potentially losing his family over. The fact that he chose to have me over in his space as he is wrestling with whatever hurt feelings or lack of attraction is still a big thing; many men would just cave, and I wish he had, because it would have saved me a lot of stress.
No_Go Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 I'm a female, but when I'm frustrated, I'll accept kissing but not initiate it. No idea how it works for guys, but in this case sounds to me like frustration, not revenge. Fair enough....but did you ever experience a time or times where you did not wish to kiss your girlfriend? I understand not being a great communicator, I understand being a introvert...but nevertheless...despite all this, I would think if you still felt attracted, you would still have the desire to kiss her...be affectionate with her, right? LA did not do anything that horrid to warrant how he is treating her IMO. Am I way off to think this?
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 No sweetie, I know HE is not acting horrid, I meant YOU did not do anything that horrid to warrant him acting so weird, etc. Offend his manhood? Most men get off on watching their woman please herself....but you know since you don't remember it's quite possible you shoved his hand out of the way...as if to say "no you are not doing it right, I will do it myself!" Which *would* be a little offensive. .. Give him time LA...he sounds very sensitive. But he should be able to move past it, eventually.... hopefully. Fingers crossed for ya....I know you are not ready to call it a day just yet.... 1
Author losangelena Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 Whats the deal with his family not approving of you? They're a very traditional Hindu family. It would be a big deal that I'm American and a HUGE deal that I'm white. His older brother, who married an Indian woman, did not tell their mother until they'd been dating for two years and were at the point of engagement, because he knew (for various reasons) that she would disapprove. His parents are constantly trying to arrange a marriage for him and asking him if he wants them to send pictures of potential matches, and he keeps saying no. He won't tell them why though (me), and it's causing them great distress.
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