johndoe2 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I guess I'm not really asking a particular question, just logging my experience and, well, not really venting; more like vocally sighing. I had a coffee date today. I thought that it was going ok, in the sense that we talked for awhile and had a nice conversation. I didn't feel like I was doing anything particularly wrong. But there were occasional near awkward silences that I kept having to intercede in by bringing up something else to talk about. Afterward I asked via text if she wanted to do it again, she gave a standard excuse. In retrospect I almost feel like maybe she gave up on me almost immediately after we met. This has been a recurrent pattern, one of several dates with women quite similar to me; similar in education, in where they are in life, some common interests, that I have managed to underwhelm. It takes a decent amount of effort and time for me to get even one date, so I'm starting to feel the malaise of this routine. I guess I can't produce the 'sparks' that these women want. What can I say, I'm a slow burner I guess. I'm really sick of online dating though. And I don't think meetup.com would be fruitful, as very few as young as me seem to use it; plus I don't have a car so I couldn't get to most of the meetups anyway. And going to bars and clubs alone is horribly awkward. So now I'm back to thinking of where I can meet women in to the real world. Sitting in a cafe pretending I drink coffee, trying to flirt with the woman at the next table? Or in the grocery store, frozen food aisle? See if a couple of witticisms about tater tots are enough to get a woman's number? What to do, what to do. I just know I really dread the idea of going to bars again.
Inprofessional Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 At least you're getting dates! I'm not, but that's because I don't really try. It gets harder with age, from what I've seen. No advice here, OP, just relaying my own frustrations. 1
cessna Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Try not to think of it as an unsuccessful date but think of it more as she wasn't right for you. If she was right for you the date would have gone well and you'd be making plans to see each other again. You got a date at least, take that as a positive. That's more than some of us can manage... Trust me. 1
CarrieT Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Johndoe, how many of these dates have you been on? During my hey-day of OLD, I went on over FIFTY coffee dates and had the exact same experience. It is a total crap shoot and persistence is required...
fitnessfan365 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) I feel you man. This month has sucked for me too with four different women. The first was an awesome date (at least I thought so). But no response to my follow up text. The next two were even better first dates that just flowed. Both said how much they enjoyed kissing me and that they wanted to see me again. Then both responded to my follow up texts positively and that they were looking forward to my call. Yet neither called me back when I left voice mails to plan the second dates. Now why both of them would respond so positively in text and then not call me back is beyond me. But it happens. The weirdest though was the most recent. Four great dates with intense chemistry. She was enthusiastic on all four and always mentioning future plans. Would say things like "You're the only man to make me go weak in the knees" etc.. Communication was regular and she'd always text/call back quickly same day. However, I left a voice mail to plan the next date four days ago and haven't heard word one since. Two things : 1) Silence isn't the enemy. A large part of communication is non verbal. So it's perfectly OK to lean back, smile, hold eye contact, and let her add to the conversation. Don't feel like you always have to do all the talking. 2) Are you doing a lot of sit down first dates? Try planning some outdoors where you can actually walk around/chat. Feels less like an interview and you can break the touch barrier/flirt much easier. Edited May 27, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1
smackie9 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 First off, going to the bar alone says ''LONER'' If you don't have friends or a real social life then that means you suffer from social anxiety. This is evident to these women you meet....you have no substance only awkwardness. Women are social creatures, and if you can't properly banter, and chit chat, there is no way you are going to get anyone interested.
Lansing Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 However, I left a voice mail to plan the next date four days ago and haven't heard word one since. . Wow, I think this almost deserves its own thread. Why are people so flaky? Do you have a "one try" and its done kind of rule? You won't contact this girl where it has been 4 days again? Any chance she didn't get the message?
Author johndoe2 Posted May 27, 2015 Author Posted May 27, 2015 Johndoe, how many of these dates have you been on? During my hey-day of OLD, I went on over FIFTY coffee dates and had the exact same experience. It is a total crap shoot and persistence is required... Well not 50, certainly. It would probably take me over a decade to get 50 dates through online dating. I'm wondering if persistence is any more useful here than persistence in, say, playing the lottery. At least you're getting dates! I'm not, but that's because I don't really try. It gets harder with age, from what I've seen. No advice here, OP, just relaying my own frustrations. I can imagine. The clock is always ticking, every day another day older. Don't remind me. And I'm pretty sure I only get dates because I cast a very broad net when in comes to online. I send dozens and dozens of messages out pretty quickly from accounts on multiple sites; one thing all my schooling has proven useful for is speed reading through profiles and finding some pretense for sending a 'meaningful' message. But it's to the point where it seems like most of the women in my area I've already sent messages to and been ignored, so not many opportunities left there.
fitnessfan365 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Wow, I think this almost deserves its own thread. Why are people so flaky? Do you have a "one try" and its done kind of rule? You won't contact this girl where it has been 4 days again? Any chance she didn't get the message? I sent a follow up text first that morning. She responded instantly and positively. Then I said that I'd call "soon" to make plans. She said OK. So to be clever/romantic, I wanted to surprise her with a call right after. I waited ten minutes and called her to say "soon is here" and to make plans. But she didn't answer which surprised me because we had just traded the texts, it was early Saturday and she was hanging at home. But that's when I left the voice mail. As long as I've known her, she's texted/called back within a few hours same day. Also even if she didn't hear the voice mail, she had four days to see the missed call notification and touch base. Realist8ically, no woman is going to go four straight days without looking at her phone, or make a guy she likes wait that long. Makes no sense. Last date ended with her saying she couldn't wait until the next one, and she responded to my text that morning right before I called. Just one of life's mysteries.
Gloria25 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Try not to think of it as an unsuccessful date but think of it more as she wasn't right for you. If she was right for you the date would have gone well and you'd be making plans to see each other again. You got a date at least, take that as a positive. That's more than some of us can manage... Trust me. OLD is hard cuz you are looking at a "piece of paper" - not a person...so, unfortunately, the first meet is where you put a face to a name and see "if" there is chemistry. That is why I push to meet in person ASAP. But yes, it boils down to whether or not she was attracted to you. I'm a woman and trust me, in 10 min we know whether or not we are capable of dropping our panties for you - even "if" we do not plan to do it on the first date...and, that rolls over into how we act throughout the rest of the date. OLD and dating in general "is" a numbers game. You gotta keep on till you hit a match. I still believe hobbies, volunteering, meet-ups are good cuz I find that often times, it makes it easier for us to connect with others. Ever notice how people "fall in love and/or attraction" to people they are around with on the regular (i.e. work, school, etc)? It's cuz sometimes it "is" a chicken before the egg type thing where you might have seen their profile online and dissed them, but since you "know" them in person via work/school/etc - it is easier to see the "bigger picture" of them and attraction is formed. OLD is harder cuz in that first meet you gotta make an impression and don't have the benefit of them giving you more time to actually get to know you. So, if they aren't feeling sparks, it's "next".... Stay strong and keep on plugging away.
ZA Dater Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 You need to date uglier women. You aren't producing sparks with those women you meet online because they have other dates lined up with better looking guys. Guys that might even have cars and friends to hit the club with. What an utter load of whatever you want to call it. Why should one pursue people one isn't interested in simply because the better looking ones may have dates lined up. If anything smacks of desperation it is doing something like this.
ZA Dater Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 But yes, it boils down to whether or not she was attracted to you. I'm a woman and trust me, in 10 min we know whether or not we are capable of dropping our panties for you - even "if" we do not plan to do it on the first date...and, that rolls over into how we act throughout the rest of the date. This is valuable insight and I myself have been on the receiving end of this a few times with the comment afterwards "there is no chemistry".
fitnessfan365 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Don't shoot the messenger. You keep meeting women who keep deciding not to date you. If these women found you attractive, you would be getting 2nd dates. If you find that all of the women you hit on consistently do not want to date you, then you are probably trying to date out of your league. Or, you can not make any changes, and keep getting turned down. Well he's said multiple times that he's in his early 30's and has absolutely no experience at all. So chances are that he's making unnecessary beginner mistakes. It's too bad we can't see a transcript of what he's saying on dates or when he approaches women because we could offer some advice.
ZA Dater Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Don't shoot the messenger. You keep meeting women who keep deciding not to date you. If these women found you attractive, you would be getting 2nd dates. If you find that all of the women you hit on consistently do not want to date you, then you are probably trying to date out of your league. Or, you can not make any changes, and keep getting turned down. Its still whatever you want to call it simply because if one is confined "leagues" this is truly a game I am not interested in participating in. Clearly I am not attractive on any level, dating, friendship of whatever. Based on your post I should be trying to date the most ugly people on earth and unfortunately I'd rather have nothing that waste the time of someone I have no attraction to or interest in. Again I am reminded of this phrase: "Judge a man when you have walked a mile in his shoes"
ZA Dater Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 Well he's said multiple times that he's in his early 30's and has absolutely no experience at all. So chances are that he's making unnecessary beginner mistakes. It's too bad we can't see a transcript of what he's saying on dates or when he approaches women because we could offer some advice. I don't do approaches, have done OLD and met some via friends but I realise what I can and cant get so I don't even bother with some people where I can see the social interaction isn't going to work at all. "Beginner mistakes", honestly perhaps I am feeling especially sour today but really if one cannot be oneself and needs to adapt to be something one is not then dating must truly be one of the most superficial activities around. All I am is nice, I take an interest in them, find out what they like, on very rare occasions the conversation flows and they actually ask about me but that has only happened once, likewise I have only been captivated once. The OP and I have something in common in respect of we need to try so hard to get any sort date, at times I resorted to meeting people I am not interested in simply to see if they were more interesting in person, they were not. Then you find someone you do get on well with and everything does work and you get rejected anyway, probably because of "beginner mistakes" whatever they may be. And, its these same females that bemoan "I can find a nice guy".
ZA Dater Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I never said anything about dating the ugliest women alive. Just suggesting that, if you want to actually have any success with OLD then you need to lower the bar a bit. Or stop using OLD altogether, which is what I recommend to most people. And yet, you are sitting here judging me as if I have zero experience going through the exact same crap you are going through. I have most likely spent far, far more time with OLD than you have. Start reading over these forums a little more. Read what the women are saying about their dating experiences. There is a lot to learn there if you can read between the lines. Not sure why as guys we need to read between the lines and think and try and understand when simply being a nice guy should be enough. With the greatest of respect to females barring 1 I have never met any who have gone out of their way at all to wow me. I have been on OLD for nearly 7 years so its been a fairly long stretch. Success is how you define it and we all have different interpretations of success.
MonorailCat Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I feel you man. This month has sucked for me too with four different women. The first was an awesome date (at least I thought so). But no response to my follow up text. The next two were even better first dates that just flowed. Both said how much they enjoyed kissing me and that they wanted to see me again. Then both responded to my follow up texts positively and that they were looking forward to my call. Yet neither called me back when I left voice mails to plan the second dates. Now why both of them would respond so positively in text and then not call me back is beyond me. But it happens. The weirdest though was the most recent. Four great dates with intense chemistry. She was enthusiastic on all four and always mentioning future plans. Would say things like "You're the only man to make me go weak in the knees" etc.. Communication was regular and she'd always text/call back quickly same day. However, I left a voice mail to plan the next date four days ago and haven't heard word one since. I can feel you. Met three women the last weeks. Had a good conversation with the first two, lot of similarities .. both said they had a great time and definetely want to meet again. Of course they never answered again. The third was great. Soo much in common, great first date .. kissed goodbye. Second Date cooking and some intense touchy-feely cuddling. She had a big grin on her face after every kiss. We made plans for out next date. Of course I never heard from her again.
ZA Dater Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I can feel you. Met three women the last weeks. Had a good conversation with the first two, lot of similarities .. both said they had a great time and definetely want to meet again. Of course they never answered again. The third was great. Soo much in common, great first date .. kissed goodbye. Second Date cooking and some intense touchy-feely cuddling. She had a big grin on her face after every kiss. We made plans for out next date. Of course I never heard from her again. That's a horrible experience, I think its actually worse being rejected after meeting up with the person twice or more than it is being rejected after one meet up.
Toodaloo Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 John Honey... Its really not so simple to find a good one these days. Yesterday I logged on to my OK Cupid account and was asked if I like anal sex within 4 messages... Hence why I don't log on often! I do keep at it though in the hope that it may help me meet someone a bit special who thinks with his brain instead of his doohdah! All I can suggest is to take a break for a few days/ weeks etc when you start to feel glum like this and go and do something you enjoy or do something you have wanted to try for a while. Go and have some fun. Finding a "partner" is not the be all and end all. Many people for no apparent reason just do not click with each other. Think of it as shame but incompatible. And when you need a fun story just take a look back on some of Gaeta's and my threads... seriously your date sounds NOTHING as bad as that. Chin up chook. It takes time to find the one you think about before you sleep.
hudson701 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 I feel you man. This month has sucked for me too with four different women. The first was an awesome date (at least I thought so). But no response to my follow up text. The next two were even better first dates that just flowed. Both said how much they enjoyed kissing me and that they wanted to see me again. Then both responded to my follow up texts positively and that they were looking forward to my call. Yet neither called me back when I left voice mails to plan the second dates. Now why both of them would respond so positively in text and then not call me back is beyond me. But it happens. The weirdest though was the most recent. Four great dates with intense chemistry. She was enthusiastic on all four and always mentioning future plans. Would say things like "You're the only man to make me go weak in the knees" etc.. Communication was regular and she'd always text/call back quickly same day. However, I left a voice mail to plan the next date four days ago and haven't heard word one since. Two things : 1) Silence isn't the enemy. A large part of communication is non verbal. So it's perfectly OK to lean back, smile, hold eye contact, and let her add to the conversation. Don't feel like you always have to do all the talking. 2) Are you doing a lot of sit down first dates? Try planning some outdoors where you can actually walk around/chat. Feels less like an interview and you can break the touch barrier/flirt much easier. That really is baffling behaviour. This is why I can't be bothered with dating at the moment. How can women behave like this? It is really really off-putting reading this. Think about it logically, why would you want to engage with creatures who behave like this when all that will happen is you get hurt? Since I've stopped pursuing I'm much more happier. Life is simpler. I'm enjoying growing my social circle.
ZA Dater Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 John Honey... Its really not so simple to find a good one these days. Yesterday I logged on to my OK Cupid account and was asked if I like anal sex within 4 messages... Hence why I don't log on often! I do keep at it though in the hope that it may help me meet someone a bit special who thinks with his brain instead of his doohdah! All I can suggest is to take a break for a few days/ weeks etc when you start to feel glum like this and go and do something you enjoy or do something you have wanted to try for a while. Go and have some fun. Finding a "partner" is not the be all and end all. Many people for no apparent reason just do not click with each other. Think of it as shame but incompatible. And when you need a fun story just take a look back on some of Gaeta's and my threads... seriously your date sounds NOTHING as bad as that. Chin up chook. It takes time to find the one you think about before you sleep. There is some good merit in this but circumstances differ which changes the outlook. Perhaps the OP is in the category of people who simply want to experience a few nice dates as apposed to these sort of pointless, get rejected sort of dates. When you feel the need to experience what most people seem to have experienced before that feeling never seems to go away. Doing other things is a good idea, try take ones mind off things.
fitnessfan365 Posted May 27, 2015 Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) That really is baffling behaviour. This is why I can't be bothered with dating at the moment. How can women behave like this? It is really really off-putting reading this. Think about it logically, why would you want to engage with creatures who behave like this when all that will happen is you get hurt? Since I've stopped pursuing I'm much more happier. Life is simpler. I'm enjoying growing my social circle. Yeah it definitely sucks. I guess why this month is hitting me a bit harder is because it was four seemingly great women in a row. Usually it will be some mediocre to lukewarm first dates with a good one mixed in, etc.. So if it doesn't go anywhere with a woman I genuinely like it's easier because it's more spread out. But man, four in a row with signs of high interest and good chemistry that fade is tough. Even for me..LOL Edited May 27, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Recommended Posts